From oracle-request Sun Feb 16 12:15:41 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 16 Feb 92 12:15:41 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #410 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 410 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #410 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sun, 16 Feb 92 12:15:41 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 410 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 405 22 votes 36562 42e20 06475 34861 05764 08473 37570 2a730 49711 36b11 405 2.9 mean 2.9 2.6 3.5 2.9 3.4 3.2 2.7 2.5 2.4 2.6 --- 410-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who is even cooler than Mr Spock, what is the > present stardate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well MY current star date is Greta Scacci. } } You owe the Oracle William Shatner's toupee. --- 410-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > Oh great and mighty Oracle, dispenser of slack, please, I beg of you, > help me, your miserable, worthless supplicant, who is unfit to clean > your mighty toejam with her tongue. > > I, alas, have a rather large hole in my head, which I can neither see > nor feel but is obvious to everyone else. This unfortunate condition > causes me to volunteer to do difficult things, like run medieval events > and be a guildmistress for a thankless guild. I'm even pondering > taking on three research projects, and I won't be graded or paid for > any of them. > > Is there a cure? Can I ever become a normal person? Can I get my life > back? Oh magnificent Oracle, please answer my plea! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you are a fine groveller! I miss good grovellers like you. } I remember when everyone grovelled this well. But, now, I'm lucky if } people even do a half-assed job of grovelling. It's enough to make an } Oracle get mad and a few thousand worthless humans! . . . Ahem, } but back to your question. } } You are afflicted with a serious condition, indeed. It's a shame } that such a fine groveller as yourself has this debilitating handicap. } Your condition is what is known as "sappeous grandeous", or more } commonly refered to as "being too damn nice". This illness, which is } fairly rare in humans, almost inevitably ruins the life of the victim. } See, the normal human is an immoral, conceited, self-serving, uncaring } bastard, who would do just about anything to get ahead, and who is } always willing to take advantage of some poor person afflicted with } "sappeous grandeous". Those with illnesses like yourself, lack certain } key chemicals in your DNA which makes normal humans the way that they } are. Consequently, this disease is hereditary, and you inherited it } from one or both of your parents. Most people affected by this tragic } illness lead horid lives, and die miserable. However, I am happy to } tell you that there IS a cure! It is not known to many humans, and I'm } only sharing it with you, because you're such a fine groveller. You } will need to become a lawyer. That's right, a LAWYER. I realize that } it's a disgusting thought, but it's the only alternative. See, lawyers } are the perfect example of the ultimate normal human. If you can } defend sickos, psychos, murderers, rapists, druggies, and other } assorted human vermin, then you will soon overcome your sickness of } "being too damn nice". It's a harsh treatment, I know, but } unfortunately, it's the only treatment which works. The treatment has } a 99.9584% success rate (believe it or not, there actually ARE a few } lawyers out there who AREN'T uncaring bastards; but, don't worry, they } are VERY rare). So, my advice to you, my humble supplicant, is go to } law school now, and become a lawyer. This is the only way to become a } normal human once again. Good luck! } } You owe the Oracle one good reason for wanting to BE a normal human. --- 410-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Mighty and Exalted Oracle, in whose precious body odor I am not > worthy to bask, and even whose instestinal gaseous discharges I am > not worthy to inhale, O Most Way Cool Oracle whose wisdom exceeds that > of even Dan Quayle, please answer my question: > > When you drink coffee, where does the brown go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Criminy, Lisa, will you look at this twisted grovelling? I swear, } these supplicants get weirder all the ... huh? You say we're on the } air? NOW? The mike's live? Oh . } } *cough* Ah yes, my mildly deranged querent, I see you have observed a } puzzling fact: a brown liquid, when consumed by mortals, emerges soon } thereafter with a somewhat different color. You have correctly deduced } that something must have happened to the brown component between the } input and the output phases, and you wonder what that might be. } } The solution to your mystery is really quite simple; it's in the } protocols. What protocol, you say? Why, TCP (Transfer of Caffeine } Protocol), of course! The RFC (Request for Coffee) specifies that the } brown be stripped off and discarded by the host after processing. When } large enough chunks of brown accumulate in the host's buffers, they are } flushed through an alternate channel. Retransmission of the remainder } is specified in the RFC for the IP (self-explanatory) protocol. } } See how simple it is? Next time, RTFM before asking, or . } Kapish? } } You owe the Oracle a kilo of decent Viennese coffee, and a Melita } brewer. --- 410-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle whose sageful eyes > Doth grace the land, the sea, the skies > Whose omniscience forever glows > Who never needs to use No-Doz > > Please hear this mortal's tiny plea > And if it please thee, answer me > I beg thee not my limbs to sever > Will the universe expand forever? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The astronomer who looks up at night } Once again faced with the cosmologist's plight. } His mind to ponder again, perhaps, } Will it go on, or will it collapse? } } The constant state theory we can ignore. } It doesn't work well, and we need more. } The galaxies rushing away from each other, } Like a child that must leave the arms of its mother. } } The key to it all lies somewhere between } Undiscovered mass that cannot be seen. } Black holes, free planets, and interstellar dust, } To collapse the existance of this mass is a must. } } Right now, things are looking quite grim. } A heat death of all seems to be Nature's whim. } The critial density has yet to be met, } Expanding forever would be this Oracle's bet. } } This is the way the world ends } This is the way the world ends } This is the way the world ends } Not with a bang but a whimper. } } You owe the Oracle a reserved table at Millyways, the Restaurant at the } End of the Universe. } } (with apologies to T.S. Eliot-- rgm) --- 410-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the Sun so happy in the morning ? > / when it wake up in the East / And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it is far away from California. } / when it riseth in the East / } } You owe the Oracle 501 English verbs conjugated. Correctly. --- 410-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Orkie! How dare you! You forgot me on Valentine's Day again! How > could you forget me, Lisa, the net.sex.goddess on Valentine's Day?! > You bastard! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Sir or Madam, } } I regret to inform you that you are operating under delusions of } Lisahood. I spent an exponentially romantic & divinely passionate } Valentine's Day with the winsome & delightful Lisa, performing feats of } sexual geometry that required 7 spacial dimensions and devasted a small } galaxy. You are either a vile & impious imposter, or a psycho-deviant } schizophrenic. In any case-- } } Um, wait a sec, there is a third possibility: You may a second } manifestation of Lisa! In fact, there is no good reason why there } shouldn't be infinitely many manifestations of Lisa, all of them } equally devoted and equally demanding of the Oracle's time & energy. } } } } Let's just assume that you're a sicko, and leave it that, okay? --- 410-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, most munificent, benevolent, tubular, and generally awesome > Oracle, *PLEASE* deign to tell me: > > I have recently been told to "blow it out my ass". As a recent > arrival from the planet Zorpztxh, I find this confusing. Is this > idiom politically correct? Does it properly respect my > beinghood? What does it mean? As I to respond politely or should > I respond with the time-honored and multi-use Terran demand that > they "go and have sex with themselves"? I realize this is many > questions, but please take pity on my recently-immigrated and > still slightly smelly self. > > Obsequiously, > > Rthspelkct Smfthlprsthip And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Rthspelkct: } } May I call you Rth? It is easier to pronounce on our planet. } In response to your questions: } 1. No, yet yes. This is one of the puzzling issues which may } ultimately only be determined by hindsight. } 2. It may only properly respect your beinghood depending on your } being. As the Oracle is unfamiliar with the anatomy of Zorpztxhians, } the Oracle cannot say for certain. } 3. "Blow it out your ass" means that consent or approval of yourself } or for a concept you have promoted has been measured and found } wanting by the party which has spoken the expression. } 4. You may respond with politeness if you wish. A generally } considered appropriate reply is made with the same vigor and emotion } as was used by the speaker to whom you are replying. An Earth } proverb refers to this as "fighting fire with fire". } In general, if you feel content with your being, form, and carbon } content, there is no reason why you shouldn't have a long and successful } life on the planet Earth. The Oracle feels one can speak for all beings } on the planet in welcoming you to our eternally interesting and } near-infinitely variagated world. The Oracle would also like to remind } alien visitors that, for the safety of both visitors and natives to } Earth, all Earth beings are armed with a large variety of high-impact } explosives, for the deterrence of hostile creatures, which, in the } Oracle's all-seeing wisdom, you most certainly are not. } Thank you for visiting, and enjoy the planet Earth. } } You owe the Oracle an up-to-date Michelin guide. --- 410-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh Oracle most wise...what is the significance of the various > colors of M&Ms? Why did they recently re-introduce the red M&M? Will I > ever see a blue M&M? I await the thunderstorm of your wisdom.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is agreed throughout the scholarly community that green M&Ms cause } horniness, and that red M&Ms cause cancer. Sucropsychologists are less } unanimous with respect to other colors, but current data suggest the } following: } } Color Consequence } ------- ----------- } Yellow constipation } Orange hair loss } Brown republicanism } } Dr. Oscar Murtaugh of the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine has } developed a theory which preports to account for these observations by } a complicated biochemical mechanism based on the interactions of } several enzymes, varying levels of vitamin A, and a pinch of oregano. } Although his theory has been dismissed by leading scientists as "about } as valuable as pig's vomit," it offers the only available predictions } as to the psycho-physiological effects of theoretical colors of M&Ms: } } Color Consequence } ------- ----------- } Blue immortality(*) } Purple transvestitism } White emigration } } (*) A purely theoretical result. It is a simple consequence of recent } advances in particle physics that blue M&Ms are impossible. } } You owe the Oracle a big bag of red M&Ms with almonds. --- 410-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We are dead, We are > Not here > If we were here we'd > Be here > That's what someone said, but we're not > We're dead. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course the fact, that you } Are dead } Is really no protection. Nor can } The distance } From you and I, save you from } Bisection. } } It's not the fact, that you } Are dead, } That keeps you from your answer. } Yet it is } The fact that you groveleth not } That gets you a --- 410-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sung to the tune of "row, row, row your boat" > > Beg, beg, beg, the oracle > please won't you tell me > How many water molecules > Are in the seven seas? > > Sung to the tune of "my bonnie lies over the ocean" > > My oracle is ever-powerful > My oracle is so darn huge > My oracle is most omniscient > So why won't the oracle tell me... > > Oh tell me, > tell me, > Tell me, Oracle, > Won't you, please? > > Tell me, > oh tell me, > How much water in the seven seas? > > Sung to the tune of "she'll be comin' round the mountain" > > Oh, it's omniscient and O so huge > Oh it's omniscient and it is oh so huge > The oracle's omniscient, > yes, the oracle's so omniscient > It'll answer my questions very soon > > It'll answer my questions if I beg > Oh, it'll answer my questions if I beg > It'll answer my dumb questions > It'll answer my dumb questions > It'll answer my dumb questions if I beg > > How much water in the sea? > Oh, how much water's in the sea? > Oh, won't you kindly tell me, > yes, won't you kindly tell me, > How much water's in the sea? > > Sung to the tune of "Three Blind Mice" > > Or-a-cle > Or-a-cle > > How great you are > How great you are > > Oh, Oracle, won't you tell me please? > How many waters in the seven seas? > I've begging you oh master of sleaze, > > Or-a-cle And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To Janis Joplin's "Mercedes Benz Song": } } O Lord, Woncha buy me, a cabal that does work } My servants are feckless, every one's a jerk } They won't fight in flamewars, all they do is lurk } O Lord, woncha buy me, slaves that do my work. } } O Lord, woncha buy me, a supplicant who begs } It pleases my ego, it puts me up two pegs, } The ones I've had lately have all been the dregs } O Lord! woncha buy me, a supplicant who begs } } O Lord, woncha buy me, an Omnignosticum } My clients think I'm worthless, sometimes even dumb! } I sit here on my backside and let my cheeks get numb } Just because I don't have an Omnignosticum } } (everybody!) } } O Lord, Woncha buy me, a cabal that does work } My servants are feckless, every one's a jerk } They won't fight in flamewars, all they do is lurk } O Lord, woncha buy me, slaves that do my work. } } To the tune of "A Blacksmith Courted Me" } } O a freshmen courted me } Nine month and better } He fairly won my darts } With his stupid letters } With his keyboard in his lap } He looked quite nerdly } And if I were his TA, } I would answer curtly. } } "O what did you promise free } when you stood astride me? } You said you'd answer well } And not deride me." } "If I'd said I'd answer you } 'Twas only for to tease you } For you are a newbie child } And beneath my purview." } } "I have asked about the Seas } And you hae not answered } I think You are a fake } An Onan-o-mancer!" } "If you listen carefully } I'll put it to you: } You are not worth my time } So I'll have to shoot you..." } } what a senseless waste of (sub-)human life. } } You owe the oracle a Rhyming dictionary containing an entry for } "Oneiromancy".