From oracle-request Wed Feb 12 09:02:03 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 12 Feb 92 09:02:03 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #408 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 408 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #408 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Wed, 12 Feb 92 09:02:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 408 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 403 26 votes 39a40 19970 1ca30 2a941 67940 29852 07a72 2ab30 aa510 17684 403 2.7 mean 2.6 2.8 2.6 2.7 2.4 2.8 3.2 2.6 1.9 3.3 --- 408-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle who knows all there is to know about Zagnut bars, > etc..., > > My question is: > > Why do people park in driveways and drive in parkways? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle. } } I think, my pious neophyte, your question should refer not to people } but rather to suits. These are of course the main users of both } driveways and parkways, certainly of the CO belching beasts they seem to } require for all but the most menial of tasks (eg. ordering steak } dinners and manhattans, frequenting hookers, etc, etc...). } Driveways conjure up images of the suburban wastelands that are the } habitat of the horny toed suit. Parkways, by extension of the metaphor, } are the migration routes from this habitat to the inner city ( read } *civilisation* ). The horny toed suit can be found (at any time!) } travelling along these routes. } An excellent example of the horny toed suit is presented in the novel } "MONEY" by Martin Amis. Although the suit here presented is of the } British variety, he is certainly worthy of inclusion in the North } American flock and his habits closely mirror those of his transatlantic } cousins. } Of course to park in driveways is a mean and evil example of just how } insidious the automobile manufacturers are and illustrates superbly the } conspiratorial nature of their existence. A park is supposed to be a } beautiful, quiet, green place to go and relax, play frisbee, Acky Sac } and baseball, drink beer and other intoxicants, etc., so the murderous } lot at GM, Chrysler and Ford (this was before the evil Japanese } manufacturers invaded, and anyway their word for driveway is difficult } to spell with the limited ASCII character set and you would probably } have a hard time pronouncing it anyway) thought that it would be a good } idea to spread the usage of park as a verb. } Similarly, to drive on parkways shows how city planners are involved } in this conspiracy (through kickbacks and the like). These "planners" } are those responsible for the so-called parkway, which was thus named } since ALL parkways slice right through as many parks as hu-personly } possible (excuse the political correctness). This calls for a short } anecdote. } } "Which WAY should we put this big mother of a road?," asked Joe the } nasty city planner. "We should put it through that PARK over there," } answered his evil cohort Jack. "I just thought of something," Joe } responded, being quick on his feet, for a suit, "we should call it a } PARKWAY!". Of course this was greeted with a chorus of YEH's! (One of } several words that city planner/suits are good at.) After that the } automobile executives (read *$1000 suits*) with their mean, pinched, } bitter, evil faces (Thanks for W.S. Burroughs) handed over big money to } Joe and Jack and the other cohorts earlier mentioned. Dave Berry told } me that this was TRUE! (Usually Dave consults me but once and a while I } let him give me some advice just so that he doesn't get cranky). } } You owe the Oracle a Thanksgiving dinner of Horny Toed Suit (Blech!). } On second thought, NAAAA, it probably tastes like sh*t since it has no } taste. } } Nice day, } } Steeve --- 408-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, master of all minds, source of all Cheez Whiz, tell me: > > Which came first, the chicken or the Wenkel rotary engine? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, the Wenkel engine, of course! Let's see if I can find } the footage of that fateful day in my databanks: } } % search -v -a -x -s -u -c -k -s Wenkel } search: < whirr, churn, seek, read, write, i/o, blend, puree > } search: < beep > } The film you requested is #8948687687646876873.438623 } } Hmm... seems to have found it. Let play it back: } } % play #8948687687646876873.438623 } } DR> Igor, come here, I want you! } } IGOR> Duh, yes doc? } } DR> Igor, my new Wenkel engine is finished! Throw the switch to run it } for the first time! } } Igor> Duh, ok. But, doc? What is a weener engine? } } DR> You knucle skull! Don't ask stupid questions! How am I supposed } to know what a Wenkel engine is? I just made the damn thing! Now } turn it on like a good [brain dead, hunchbacked, slobbering] } assistant and let's see what it is. } } Igor> Duh. OK. } Duh. Doc? That didn't sound too good. } } DR> Of course not, you, you, you... you brain dead, hunchbacked, } slobbering idiot! Now just a second while I adjust the Wenkel... } There, that should do it. Now flip the switch } again, Igor. } } Igor> Duh. OK. } } DR> It works! I works! I can't believe it! It works! But, why is it } speeding up? It's getting out of control! Igor! Shut it off! } Quickly Igor! QUICKLY! } } Igor> Duh. Doc? Which one is off again? } } DR> THE RED ONE! THE RED ONE! PUSH IT! } } Igor> Duh. OK. You don't have to scream... I can hear you over the } weener engine just fine, although it's a bit loud. } } DR> Push the RED one!!!!! } } Igor> Duh. OK. } } } } DR> Oh no! The main casing cracked open! It got too hot! Igor! I told } you to push the button! Now my wonderful Wenkel engine (whatever it } was) is ruined. } } Igor> Duh. Sorry. Duh, Doc? What's that coming out of the weener } engine? It looks like a little turkey. } } DR> My God! Igor, you're right. It's a bird! } } Narrator> And that, boys and girls, is how the chicken was created. } } play: End of film } } % logout } } Well! There you have it. Not only do you know how the chicken was } created, but also which came first, the chicken or the Wenkel engine. } } You owe the Oracle a text on the Wenkel engine and it's uses. Throw in } a dead chicken too, or I'll you. --- 408-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle, please gaze into your crystal ball and tell me, > should I look for another job? > > Yours, > > Troubled And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Troubled: As I gaze down upon your puny little life I see you } pondering the worth of your job. Well, now there is a new, oracle } sanctioned way to gauge your job satisfaction: } Start with 0 points } For each of th following questions answer yes or no: } 1. Does your job involve going on your knees on a regular basis? } 2. Are you sometimes glad that you can't open the window in your } office. } 3. Are there at least 10 different types of vice-presidents at } your job? } 4. Did your last raise come when Kennedy was president? } 5. To your co-workers shake their heads and shudder when they see you? } 6. Does the uniform for your job consist of a T-shirt and a paper hat? } 7. Do you find yourself being aroused by the concept of a good night's } sleep? } 8. Have you contemplated putting rat-poison in your boss' coffee? } 9. Do you use the Oracle to escape? } 10. Do you find yourself carrying a coffee cup too and from work and } jingle change in it in hopes of getting enough to start that door to } door stationary buisiness? } } Scoring: } 0-2: What are you thinking? Keep that job. Work for free even! } 3-6: Only take a new job if it pays more or the bosses secratery } smiles at you } 6-9: Get out of there before you buy a gun and try to hijack } a bus to cuba. } 10: You're perfectly normal. Keep your job. } } You owe the Oracle the 10,000 question purity test. --- 408-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does my girlfriend opt for a fairly easy major (elementary > education) and depend on my very hard major (chemical engineering) to > support us in the futre? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So you think you know from the future? Silly presumptuous, mortal... } Let's take a little trip shall we? To the home of you and your wife- } to-be about twenty years from now... } } } } You: [Wearing an apron, coming out from the kitchen in response to the } sound of the door opening. She's got you on a short leash, hasn't } she?] Hello, dear, how was your day? [A peck on the cheek? Aw, } how cute! You're going to be the very model of a male June } Cleaver!] } Her: I made a killing on Geometry futures and sold short on Trig. You } know, I think turning the American educational system over to an } exchange market was probably the best thing to ever happen to this } country. } You: What about Chemistry? How's the Chemistry market? } Her: Sorry hon, it doesn't look good for you. Ever since the } Japanese... } You: No! Don't say that word! Aaaaaaaargh! You know I can't stand to } hear the 'J-word'! [Tsk, tsk, your psychiatric bills are going to } be a bit high, I would say.] } Her: Don't worry, dear, you'll always be my little Chemical Engineer, } even if you never earn a dime from your expensive college degree. } Now, what have you... heh, heh... 'mixed up' in the kitchen } tonight? [Oooooooh! She's got a nasty sense of humor, don't she? } Well, I think we've seen enough of this little scene; let's go } back to the present...] } } There, that's better. And to think, I didn't even need a time machine } that time! You owe the Oracle a bowl of primordial soup with noodles. --- 408-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your question is not specific enough. The of } is dependent on the following variables: } } } } Please resubmit your question. } } the Oracle. --- 408-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle: who has read all literature in all languages, and who > knew who did what to whom using which in the where in every single > whodunnit whole chapters before the detective or police, please, I beg > you, answer my humble question: > > Who, what, when, why and for how long was Jean Kirkpatrik? > > (bonus tribute if you recognise the quote) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LOOK AT THIS STUDIO FILLED WITH FABULOUS PRIZES, JUST WAITING TO BE WON } BY THE LUCKY CONTESTANTS IN AMERICA'S FIFTH FAVORITE YEOUCH!!! } ERR... SECOND FAVORITE I MEAN, AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME SHOW, } STUMP THE ORACLE!!! } } [The camera pans across a wide display of expensive prizes, all of } which are coated thickly with dust, as nothing has ever been won from } the show. Alex Trabek appears with a microphone in his hand, and } stands next to the Oracle, who is seated in a position of honor (with } Lisa lying across his lap). Across the stage from them are three } contestants, and behind them are the live studio audience.] } } Alex: Welcome to "Stump the Oracle". Now, let's meet our three lucky } contestants. Bill, Doug, and Luanne. Bill, it says here that you } hold three doctorate degrees from Princeton? } } Bill: That is correct, Alex. And another from Cape Cod Community } College in Oracular Queries. In addition, I have a dental cert-- } } Alex: Thank you, Bill. Doug, it says here that you currently have no } job. Would you care to elaborate on that? } } Doug: Certainly, Alex. It just so happens that I am independently } wealthy and can do whatever I want, so instead of working I am } devoting my life to memorizing obscure trivia from library reference } books. } } Alex: Well, good for you. Now, Luanne, I remember you from my other } show, "Jeopardy", where you were our all-time winner. I understand } that you also hold the world record for asking the most consecutive } number of questions. } } Luanne: How did you find that out, Alex? } } Alex: And, of course, there is no need to introduce the entity sitting } next to me: hailing from Delphi and Parnasus, the Great USENET } Oracle. Now, you are all aware of the rules, right? You will all } submit a question, accompanied by an acceptable grovel, and if the } Oracle is unable to answer correctly, you win! } } Luanne: What happens if he does answer the question? } } Oracle: Then you lose... big time. You owe the Oracle a double grovel } next time. } } Alex: Bill, you're up first. } } Bill: All right... Oh Mighty Oracle, whose walrus is coated with gold, } whose bathtub has rings far-surpassing those of Saturn, whose belly- } button is filled to standing-room capacity... What is the sound of } one hand clapping? } } Oracle: [Produces a small tape recorder and presses the play button.] } } Tape: Left hand: Cla-- Cla-- Cla-- Right hand: --ap, --ap, --ap... } } Oracle: You owe the Oracle all of your diplomas. } } Alex: Oh, I'm sorry, Bill, but we have some nice concellation gifts for } you back in the Green Room. Now, Doug, what is your question? } } Doug: Powerful Oracle, who can calculate pi to the last decimal point, } who can count the atoms of the universe, and who can name the } farthest stars in the sky... Can you come up with a question so } arcane and meaningless that even you can not answer it? } } Oracle: Hmmm... Yes, as a matter of fact, I can: Who, what, when, why, } and for how long was Jean Kirkpatrik? You owe the Oracle all of } your money. Now go out and get a job, you bum! } } Alex: Ouch! Sorry about that, Doug, but you won't leave the show } totally empty-handed. You will receive a lifetime supply of Rice-a- } Roni, the San Francisco Treat, and a case of Tums. Now, Luanne, } you are the only one left. Are you ready to stump the Oracle? } } Luanne: Does the Pope wear a yarmulke? Does Cecil Fielder spit? Has-- } } Alex: Right. What is your question? } } Luanne: Mighty Oracle, whose brain is overflowing with abundant } knowledge, who, what, when, why, and for how long was Jean } Kirkpatrik? } } Oracle: Oooo... Ummmmm... Well... Hey, wait a minute, that wasn't a } double-grovel! } } Alex: Oh, I'm sorry, it looks like you've been reduced to a pile of } smoking ash... Well, that's all the time we have for today; tune in } tomorrow for another exciting episode of "Stump the Oracle"!!! } } Oracle: Come on, Lisa, let's go for Chinese. } } Lisa: But Orrie, what was the answer to that last question? } } Oracle: Lisa, dearest, there are some questions out there that even I } was not meant to answer. } } You owe the Oracle a version of the "Stump the Oracle" home game. --- 408-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When the winter sun shines palely, palely, > Doggedly struggling to warm the frozen earth; > When ice lies all around me, my love, > Will you warm me with your sweet breath? > > Or would you rather be a pig? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has always been fond of the scientific method. Let's examine } this question as well as we can: } } Category | Love | Pig } ----------------+-----------+----------------------- } Humanity | Y | N [1] } Warmth [2] | Y | N } Companionship | Y | N [3] } Life Expectancy | ~75 years | Next Winter [4] } Sex | possible | All day, every day [5] } } [1] This would be enough for most people to disqualify this choice. } } [2] The "warm fuzzies" type of warmth, not the "rolling in the mud on a } Summer day" type of warmth. } } [3] Being as most people don't consider pigs much of a companion. } } [4] If [1] didn't disqualify "Pig" as a choice, perhaps this should. } } [5] This may, however, change people's minds... } } You owe the Oracle a romance novel written by pigs, for pigs. --- 408-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise and mighty Oracle, whose flourescent shoelaces I am not fit to > untie, > > Why do the skins of citrus fruits taste so bitter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Otto: A fruit question. Who will do it? } Randy: No thanks. } Andy: Citrus fruits? Not me. } Carl: Pffh. I wouldn't even him. } Lisa: Ernie, that one's for you. } Ernie: Okay. Dear questioner, since you not only know that I have } flourescent shoelaces, but also that 'flourescent' is written } 'flourescent' and not 'fluorescent' (only a few wise people on } earth know that, and all dictionaries got it wrong), you will now } be let in THE SECRET OF THE USENET ORACLE. } I hope that you won't tell anyone, and of course this will never } get into the Oracularities. } Carl: If you don't keep it for yourself, I you. } Ernie: You will have noticed that instead of one Oracle, there are } seven people here who answer the question together. } Otto, Randy, Andy, Carl, Lisa and me had the idea for the whole } thing. Steve Kinzler is only a strawman, and that thing about how } the Oracle is supposed to work is facade. In reality, *all* } questions are answered by us. Yes, I know, you got a question to } answer, but that is a red herring. The question was a fake, and } your answer will never be read. You know, the priests don't really } exist. Since *all* our answers are good, we don't need that. } We are just ordinary humans, but very intelligent ones. The } Oracle's omniscience is due to the fact that we are so many people. } What one doesn't know, another can answer it. } We have very different individual styles, and each of us will give } you a short description now. Otto? } Otto: I do the insider answers, with references to Douglas Adams, Monty } Python, Calvin and Hobbes, the Simpsons...you get the idea. If you } don't understand at all why the answer is funny enough to make it } into the Oracularities, it's because I was referring to the famous } 'Quick! Call the Philatelist!' sketch from 'The Meaning of Brian'. } Randy: If there is a reference to Lisa, that's me. She is sort of... } my girl friend. } Lisa: No, I'm not! I wouldn't touch you with a vaulting pole! } Randy: Some day you will learn to love me. } Lisa: YUCK! } Andy: I suppose that was enough to characterize Randy. } I do the lyrics. Just now... } Randy: Stop! You can't let the questioner go with that impression of } me! Really, I'm very good-looking, and I don't understand why Lisa } thinks (wrongly, of course) that she doesn't like me. } Lisa: [snorts] } Randy: Breathing heavily already? } Lisa: NO! Will you ever learn that you are creepy enough to make a } snail shudder? } Randy: Ah! Teasing our loved one, are we? } Lisa: [stares at the wall, counts to ten silently] } Andy: Finished? } Randy: [nods] } Andy: Fine. As I said, I do the lyrics. } Just now I'm not in the mood, and furthermore citrus fruits are } not are lyrical subject. There isn't even a word that rhymes } with 'orange'. } Carl: If you hadn't grovelled, I would have burned you to a crisp. } I am the flamer here, and is my favorite word. The second } one is . } Lisa: I do short and snappy answers. } Ernie: That was NOT snappy! } Lisa: This answer is YOUR job, not mine. } Ernie: Right. If nobody knows the answer, it's always me who has to do } it. I make long stories, that is, much talking between many } people, like parodies of talk shows, detective stories, etc. The } purpose of this is: when you are through with reading the answer, } you have forgotten what the question was, and you don't notice that } it is never really answered. } } You owe the Oracle a conspiracy theory. --- 408-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O k s s > h - n h h > l o : o r o > w l w e u o u > i a i l l l ? > s n c d g d g > e d g a i a > n r I z I z > a O And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I u o o r e . } t r t l r f e e l enimam } t h e v k f n p w a } r , t e t n f c o h r } e h i e o D } h a f S e C d h p , } T l u h t w a } l r e p g y o b o racle } y r n t u O } . o l a i o l t eht } y g d b o g n n d e } a a o l c e g i y w } w e k a d o o } k m s a , l z i l u } i t n m p e u u } n a t ' i n o s o } g rre h ffr t tio s yo i t's h nto. Y } a l o a s n r u i i } a b s m e e w } t y p u i h z , h n } e a a s q s t i g a u } thos t freew . The n't whe g or za t you r --- 408-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Chain letter > > YOU have the chance to receive lots and lots > of funny stories about dumb questionners which > will make you laugh right across three big bangs. > > Just mail a copy of this letter to the oracle on top of > the list containing a funny behaivour of one of your questionners, > edit the by erasing the top oracle and inserting yourself at the > bottom. > > Top of list: sphinx@egypt.oracle.net > oracle-of-delphi@greece.oracle.net > merlin@camelot.oracle.net > slug-togath@lambda-grus-III.oracle.net > Insert your name here ....... > > Mail a copy of the letter to five of your oraculous buddies and > after a while you will get 625 funny questionner-stories. > > Do not break this chain, bukka-black@rigel.oracle.net did it, and > now he is posessed by newbies without grovelling in their questions. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } oracle.net% mail sphinx@egypt.oracle.net } Subject: Chain Mail } Cc: oracle-of-delphi@greece.oracle.net, merlin@camelot.oracle.net, slug } -togath@lambda-grus-lll.oracle.net } } My comerades, I have received a message that is most troublesome. } I here enclose it. } } -----Begin Cutting----------- } > Chain letter } > } > YOU have the chance to receive lots and lots } > of funny stories about dumb questionners which } > will make you laugh right across three big bangs. } > } > ... } > } > Do not break this chain, bukka-black@rigel.oracle.net did it, and } > now he is posessed by newbies without grovelling in their questions. } --------End-----------End------ } } Now look, my friends, I know that you think that this whole "share your } funny supplicant story" Thing is amusing, but to be honest, I get } enough comic-relief mail to keep me rolling for hours on end. To be } honest, oh my Fellow Soothsayers, it is the expression on their faces } as I "ZOT!" them that makes me laugh. I am sure that you are all } familiar with that sensation. (Particularly you, Merlin. :-) } } At any rate, I think that such letters are a flagrant waste of } band.width to say nothing of straining my immortal attention span. } However, if you really want to keep this thing going, please leave me } out of it. I do _not_ wish to remain on your mailing lists. And I am } not frightened by the threat of newbies. I'm quite used to it, having } survived so many Septembers. } } Thank you, Oh my Fellow Knowlegeble Ones, } } The Usenet Oracle } oracle@use.oracle.net } EOT } oracle.net% logout } } You owe the Oracle a five-year fit of sneezing, and also a Saint } Christopher on a Chain [TM]