From oracle-request Sat Feb 8 10:18:11 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 8 Feb 92 10:18:11 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #406 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 406 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #406 Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" Date: Sat, 8 Feb 92 10:18:11 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 406 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 401 30 votes 7e630 49b60 13c77 7c902 35aa2 09a65 14i61 37d52 27a56 43b75 401 2.9 mean 2.2 2.6 3.5 2.3 3.1 3.2 3.1 2.9 3.2 3.2 --- 406-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose handwriting is far more compact than that of > Fermat, who can solve NP-complete problems in dominomial time (less > time than it takes mortals to play a game of dominoes), and who can put > the integral of e^(-x^2) into closed form simply by threatening it with > a large eraser, please answer my humble question: > > Where should I go to get my math Ph.D.? Chicago is better > academically, but at UCLA I might actually have a real life outside of > math. UCLA is better for choice of specialization, but Chicago is > better for choice of jobs later. At Chicago I would have to put up > with 5 hellish winters; at UCLA I would have to put up with 5 summers > of smog. > > Or should I just give up and make a living as a street mime? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't forget, in Chicago, you'd have to put up with all the media hype } surrounding the Bears, and in LA the hype about the Dodgers. In Chicago } you get to see better blues bands, but in LA there are better night } clubs. } } On the other hand, the Sorbonne in Paris offers postgraduate level } courses in street mime. The weather beats Chicago, the pollution is } less than LA, and you can spend endless hours amusing the masses } outside charming cafes. Go for it. After all, as the great Marcel } Marceau would say, "." } } You owe the Oracle a copy of your thesis, wherever it comes from. --- 406-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Tyger, Tyger > burning bright, > In the forests > of the night, > What immortal hand or eye > Could frame thy fearful symmetry?" > -- William Blake > > Oracle, what's a tyger? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A fymynyst tiger. --- 406-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great grovel to god of the usenet, > > Tell me how many song titles exist that contain the word love > anywhere in the title, except for the first word of the title ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh mere brushoff to supplicant, } } The number of such songs is zero. } } Proof: It is well known (to all of us omnicient ones, anyway) that, } throughout the infinitity of time and space, there are an infinite } number of songs. However, not all of these songs have titles that } contain the word "love", except as the first word. Now, any finite } number divided by infinity is as near to zero as makes no odds. } Therefore, any song you may hear with a title containing the word } "love", except as the first word, is merely the product of a deranged } imagination. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the single "I'm Not In Love," autographed } by Douglas Adams. --- 406-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wonderful Oracle, who is soooooo great, I just can't describe > it, recently I called the 1-800 phone number on my Slurpee cup. I > suggested to the man who answered that there should be a chocolate > slurpee. He said this was a good idea and wrote it down, and I felt > very good. But later, I began to think of more and more ideas for > Slurpees. So, I called the man back and told him all my ideas, and he > sounded a little strange, but said that they might be good ideas, for > someone else, but he didn't think that 7-11 would be interested in > potatoe and bacon and sour cream Slurpee. As time went by, I began to > be obsesed with creating new slurpees. I called back many times, and > usually had to disguise my voice with an accent or a handkerchief over > the mouthpiece. Finally I realized the ultimate Slurpee: The Beer > and/or Hard Liquor Slurpee. But I have a problem, you see, the > misguided people at the 7-11 place know my voice and hang up now any > time I try to call. How can I give them this great idea and do my part > for the economy? > Your faithful Servant, > Hilary Bassett > > P.S. The phone number for the slurpee place is 1-800-232-0711, in case > you are interested. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well my friend, I can understand your concern. However, please } remember that a Japanese company bought 7-11 a little while back. It's } extremely obvious that such unfriendly behaivior on 7-11's part, } ignoring such helpful ideas (indeed, ignoring the consumer's wants) is } proof that American companies will triumph in the end. Any help that } you render the Japanese hurts us, so it is your patriotic duty to stop } calling them and give them ideas. It's a damn communist plot. If only } Barry Goldwater had been elected President! God Bless America! } } 'sides, where else on this planet could you find a company that would } make (my mouth waters at the though) Long Island Ice Tea slurpees? } } You owe The All-American Oracle a salute to the American Flag with your } right hand and a Michelob Slurpee in your left. (urp) --- 406-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me O wise and totally sublime Oracle. > > Why is it that University internal mail systems are so slow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most University internal mail systems run under TIMP (Totally Inept } Mail Protocol, RFC 19692.4) which requires mail to be manually } processed through a scanner, fed through an optical character } recognition program, bounced by satellite around the earth three times } widdershins, routed to the central delivery computer where it is } processed by an IBM AT with half a megabyte of memory and no hard } drive, printed out on an HP DeskJet and delivered by dog sled. } } The Oracle owes you a home-study Berlitz course, "Better Groveling in } 30 Days," available on the Home Shopping Network. (Not sold in any } stores!) --- 406-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > (The soothing harmonies of Hayden's 'String Quartet #62 in C major' > waft on the warm evening breeze from some unseen source). > > O Mighty Oracle, who Truley appreciates the Classics, please tell me: > who would win if, say, Beethoven and Brahms went up against Mozart > and Tchaikovsky in tag-team wrestling? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well let's see ... } } (The delicate strains of Sweet Child O' Mine waft over the PA.) } Here we are at the first World Wrestling and Classical Music } Federation bout for the year. In one corner we have 'The Stinging } Bees' in Beethoven and Brahms. In the other corner the new team } of 'Wolfman' Mozart and 'Swan Lake' Tchaikovsky, who really needs } to find a better name. We can expect a close contest here, and no } matter who wins, the real winner here will be classical } wrestling. As they start, it's Beethoven and Mozart in the ring. } Beethoven charges, but Mozart sees him coming and ducks, grabs } his leg and flips him onto the canvas. Beethoven is shaken, but } gets up. The Wolfman moves quickly, and now has Beethoven in a } half-Nelson. Beethoven struggles free, and raises his arms. He } brings down his arms and ... da da da duuum. Beethoven's 5th! } Mozart is reeling at the blow. Beethoven tags, so now it's } Brahms. Brahms lifts his arms, and the music starts. A cry comes } out from the crowd: } 'What's that racket?' } 'Racket? That's no racket, that's Brahms! Brahms' third racket!' } Mozart is in trouble now. Brahms moves in, but Mozart tags. } Tchaikovsky is in. He lifts his arms and ... it's the Nutcracker } Suite! Brahms clutches his groin in agony, tears welling from his } eyes. A low blow from Tchaikovsky there .. no, wait! He's going } to play something else! Is it the 1812 overture? No! It's ... oh } my goodness ... it's Peter and the Wolf! This is too much! Brahms } can't take it! He falls to the ground, with a nauseous look on } his face, and passes out. Tchaikovsky moves in for the hold ... } one, two, three ... and Mozart and Tchaikovsky have defeated the } highly fancied Stinging Bees! Referee Axl Rose lifts the } triumphant winners' hands into the air. But this is a sad day for } wrestling indeed, when such underhanded tactics need to be used } to win a wrestling match. Even now Brahms is being carried off on } a stretcher ... } } Well there's your answer: Mozart and Tchaikovsky. Reminds me of the } time the London Philharmonic Orchestra played Handel ... and lost. } } You owe the Oracle a spell checker. --- 406-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Brilliant Oracle, > I've gone crazy with ballads! Send me a blue carrot that won't > lacerate my polygamist fleece! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Thought you could fool me, did you? Thought your clever anagram would } mess with the Oracular mind, huh? I know your message actually says: } } O Brilliant Oracle, } I came! See? I'm bone lazy with ballast! Vend me a parrot that } won't accelerate or fly! Lucy G. Degs } } Glad to know that your sex life is looking better, Lucy. But remember, } the flight of the parrot just adds to the excitement. } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of your last ornithological encounter. --- 406-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Illuminating Oracle, the efficiency of whose brilliance puts > a compact fluorescent bulb to shame, please tell me: > > How many deities does it take to change a light bulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lightbulb? How quaint! } } You owe the Oracle a complete personal account of the sexual habits of } the sperm whale, and a comparative study to the sexual habits of the } killer whale. Have fun. --- 406-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Extraordinarily Splendid Oracle, > > I know I need a big prestegious buzzword in my title to enhance my > reputation. What should it be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Choosing the proper buzzword is one of the most important decisions in } a young man's life. Many enterprising young businessmen have had their } lives totally ruined by selecting a loser like "Anarcho-Objectivist", } "Technically Illiterate", or "Loser". } } You have to ask yourself questions like, "What, if anything, can I do } well?" This question will take you far in finding your own, personal } buzzword. You may also want to investigate the pattern in the } buzzwords of the higher-ups in your field. One of them may even take } you under his (or her, hey) wing and guide you in the proper selection. } Many of my higher Priests and Priestesses have gotten where they are } partly by becoming chummy with me. } } However, I have investigated your situation thoroughly, and I can } definitely say that the best buzzword for your name is "Hung". } } You owe the Oracle a Supreme Court nomination. --- 406-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The world is a game in which physicists toy > with the theorems and postulates which they employ > to give our lives order, in a deterministic way > to predict what will be from what is today > > Newton said, "Ha! This is simple to show, > that an object left alone, will never slow. > And an old apple core, when you throw it away, > will fall to the ground, F=ma. > When you run into a wall, believe me, 'tis true, > it wont just turn cheek, it runs into you." > > Just this past century along came a guy, > who figured out the equation to send things awry. > Schrodinger said, "Probability's the device!" > Einstein responded, "God doesn't play dice." > > Where are we now, what are we to believe, > is the world a magician with something up its sleeve? > Are we all just randomly occurring events? > Or should life be seen in a deterministic sense? > Where what happens is most likely, and does this intend > to say the chance of your living is one minus your end? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The chance of your living's one minus your end, } Unless the great Oracle you tend to offend } In which case the chances are just about nil } You owe me a grovel, and a case of Advil.