From oracle-request Fri Jan 31 09:27:09 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 31 Jan 92 09:27:09 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #402 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 402 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #402 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 31 Jan 92 09:27:09 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 402 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 397 22 votes 96421 46831 27670 2d421 22954 3a243 2c710 55714 37750 24556 397 2.7 mean 2.1 2.6 2.8 2.4 3.3 2.7 2.3 2.7 2.6 3.4 --- 402-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > >The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > >Your question was: > > > >> "Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side, > >> and it holds the universe together." > >> > >> Please comment. > > > >And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > >} the duct tape of the universe holds your buttcheeks together. Enough > >} said. > > This is a LAME answer to a GOOD question. > > Please give me another one. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Usenet Oracle hasn't much patience } With repeated queries. His time he rations } To first help all those with important questions, } And then to aid those who think of the best ones. } } Third helped are people who bow and scrape lowly, } Fourth, who (tho' no fault of their own) think slowly, } Fifth those to whom justice and fairness are due, } Finally the questions from cretins like you. } } You asked no question but demanded comment } From a hurried Oracle whose schedule meant } Deferring the futures of whole galaxies. } You were rude and abrupt and barely said "please." } } You asked for a comment, you got one. That's all. } No specifications came forth from your small } Pointy head. Unsatisfied, you asked again. } So more and clever words must come from my pen? } } Your questioning ego itself is duct tape, } Blinding your vision so you cannot escape } The need for a comment to a stupid phrase. } Why, I'll bet writing it had taken you days. } } I've said all I want to and put it in verse, } I don't want to deal more with duct tape and worse. } Your debt will be large for services rendered: } You in a milkshake with duct tape -- well blendered. --- 402-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > who's toe cheese I am not worthy to lick, who's body fluids and > excretions I am not worthy to wipe up. > > Someone once told me that I don't know my ass from 3rd base. Why is > it always THIRD base? Answer this: why is it never 1st, 2nd, or for > that matter home plate?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fear Not, my Questioner: } } I will make the understanding of this question in your } league: As Bud Abbott once said to Lou Costello, "Who's on } First, What's on Second, and I Don't Know's on Third." } } Obviously, first and second are bases of curiosity, while } third is the base of ignorance. } } Thus speaketh the Oracle! } } You owe the Oracle a Home Run. --- 402-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, ponderer of the imponderable, knower of the unknowable, doer > of the the undoable, and speaker of the unthinkable... > > I know Jim Kelly's gonna play this year, but the Bills even have a > remote possibility of winning the Super Bowl? I'm talking about the > snowball's chances in the underworld here. If you were the great > bookie in the sky, what kind of odds would you give them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Naturally, since I just watched the game, I know the odds are 37-24. } } You owe the Oracle a more timely question. --- 402-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, > > I've got a mountain-sized crush on Cindy. How can I woo her and win > her? > > Thanks so much, > Melissa And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, Melissa. This is Lisa. The Oracle's asleep, right now, } which (between you and me) is probably for the best, as his } sensitivity to these problems is not always what it could be. } Your question concerns wooing and winning Cindy. Well, } there are just a few problems I forsee immediatly: } } 1) Marsha will tell everyone at school. } 2) Greg will beat you up. } 3) Cindy's several years underage. } 4) Mike and Carol will sit you down and have a long talk with you. } 5) Alice won't offer you brownies when you come over. } 6) Pete's already laid a claim on her. } } If you're willing to risk these, it shouldn't take very long } to woo her and win her. First, invite her over for cookies. } Second, offer to walk Tiger for her. Third, promise to never } sing "here's the story, of a man named Brady" to her, as she's } probably quite sick of that song. Finally, introduce her to } tequila shots, by serving it with some brownies. } } You don't owe *me* anything -- it's just us girls here. But } the Oracle would probably be happy if you sent him videos } of the happy couple. --- 402-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Kind Oracle, > > Tell unto me this thing: should I have oral sex with Louanne, or anal > sex with Marcie? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've thought at length about this (especially the sexual } characteristics of the women in question) and have finally } come to the following conclusion. It doesn't really } matter, since it would be in one end and out the other. } } You owe the Oracle a really LOUD groan. --- 402-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and highly sexually potent oracle: > > Why did we stop using the pronouns `Thou,' `Thee,' > `Thy,' and the like? It seems the language would > be a lot more fun with them. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a fairly decent question (for a human, anyway)! Yes, words } like "thee", "thou", "thy", "thine", etc. were indeed once quite } popular and well used. However, this all changed during the Great "th" } Rebellion. This bloody and horrific battle went on for 4 years } straight, however it is not mentioned in any Earth texts, because of a } great conspiracy by English professors to cover up this tradgedy. A } group of English profs demanded that such "th" pronouns (even } possessive pronouns) be completely done away with, and replaced with } more 'civilized' and 'modern' words, such as "you", "your", and the } like. On a related note, they also demanded that the "th"s be removed } from the ends of all verbs (such as "asketh", "hopeth", "groveleth", } etc.), in some cases leaving the preceding "e", and in other cases not, } based on some complex formula which only English profs (and me, of } course) can understand (and, I'm not all that sure about the English } professors). But, back to the original question. The rest of the } world didn't want to make these changes to their language, but the } English profs just wouldn't give up. They fought and wrote essays, and } after four years of this incessant nonsense, the rest of the world gave } up and let the pushy English profs have their way, at least in part } (the eliminated "th" pronouns were limited to singular personal } pronouns refering to someone else (i.e.: "you" replaced "thou" and } "thee", and "your" replaced "thy" and "thine"), and pronouns like } "them", "they", "this", "that", etc. were allowed to stay). Hence, we } now have a duller, more "th"-free language than we once did. If you } are angry about this, go bitch at an English prof (any one will do; } they are ALL in on it), then send a letter explaining your opinion and } a generous monetary donation to the following address: } } The Foundation For a More "th"-Filled Languange [*] } Box TH101 } iTHaca, NY 99999 } } With your help, we can reestablish the great language that we } once had! Send your money today! } } Thou oweth thy master, the wonderous Oracle, all of thine money, now } that thee hath been blessed with this morsel of my great wisdom. } } [*] } A member of the UseNet Oracle Foundation. --- 402-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Kind Oracle, > All the waters of the world have come to live in my home-town, where > they say they shall dwell until the last day of spring. They flood > the streets, and they devour our beets; they drown our ferrets, and > scorn our merits. How may we expel them, doing so with kindness and > kinkiness? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You silly mortals. How many times must I tell you? Never use } 2000 Flushes! Get a plunger and call the Ty-D-Bol man. } } You owe the Oracle a roll of White Cloud and a subscription to } National Geographic. --- 402-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OOO H H OOO RRRR A CCC L EEEEE > O O H H O O R R A A C C L E > O O HHHHH O O R R A A C L EEE > O O H H O O RRRR AAAAA C C L E > OOO H H ,, OOO R R A A CCC LLLLL EEEEE > ' > > M M OOO SSSS TTTTT W W III SSSS EEEEE A N N DDDD > MM MM O O S T W W I S E A A NN N D D > M M M O O SSS T W W W I SSS EEE A A N N N D D > M M O O S T W W W I S E AAAAA N NN D D > M M OOO SSSS T W W III SSSS EEEEE A A N N DDDD > > BBBB RRRR III L L III A N N TTTTT > B B R R I L L I A A NN N T > BBBB RRRR I L L I A A N N N T > B B R R I L L I AAAAA N NN T > BBBB R R III LLLLL LLLLL III A A N N T :: > > M M Y Y K K EEEEE Y Y BBBB OOO A RRRR DDDD > MM MM Y Y K K E Y Y B B O O A A R R D D > M M M Y KK EEE Y BBBB O O A A RRRR D D > M M Y K K E Y B B O O AAAAA R R D D > M M Y K K EEEEE Y BBBB OOO A A R R DDDD > > III SSSS SSSS TTTTT U U CCC K K III N N > I S S T U U C C K K I NN N > I SSS SSS T U U C KK I N N N > I S S T U U C C K K I N NN > III SSSS SSSS T UUU CCC K K III N N > > SSSS U U PPPP EEEEE RRRR U U PPPP PPPP EEEEE RRRR > S U U P P E R R U U P P P P E R R > SSS U U P P EEE R R == U U P P P P EEE R R == > S U U PPPP E RRRR U U PPPP PPPP E RRRR > SSSS UUU P EEEEE R R UUU P P EEEEE R R > > CCC A SSSS EEEEE > C C A A S E > C A A SSS EEE > C C AAAAA S E > CCC A A SSSS EEEEE :: > > N N OOO TTTTT H H III N N GGGG > NN N O O T H H I NN N G > N N N O O T HHHHH I N N N G GG > N NN O O T H H I N NN G G > N N OOO T H H III N N GGGG > > SSSS EEEEE EEEEE M M SSSS TTTTT OOO H H EEEEE L PPPP > S E E MM MM S T O O H H E L P P > SSS EEE EEE M M M SSS T O O HHHHH EEE L P P > S E E M M S T O O H H E L PPPP > SSSS EEEEE EEEEE M M SSSS T OOO H H EEEEE LLLLL P :: > > CCC A N N Y Y OOO U U H H EEEEE L PPPP > C C A A NN N Y Y O O U U H H E L P P > C A A N N N Y O O U U HHHHH EEE L P P > C C AAAAA N NN Y O O U U H H E L PPPP > CCC A A N N Y OOO UUU H H EEEEE LLLLL P > > M M EEEEE ??? > MM MM E ? ? > M M M EEE ? > M M E ?? > M M EEEEE ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } youcantypemetacontrolhypersuperultradoublewhammycokebottleanditwillgoint } oalllowercasewithoutanyspacesorpunctuationoranythingelsemodebutthereisno } wayoutintoanyothermodeandthatiswhyyouowetheoracleanewterminal --- 402-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great, powerful, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, omnijustabout- > anythingyoucanthinkof Oracle, riddle me this: > > Greedy Merchant A has fourteen bolts of cloth to sell. Each bolt > of cloth is worth twenty dollars, and is either red, green, or gold. > Greedy Merchant B also has some bolts of cloth to sell, which are > colored either magenta, chartreuse, mauve, or lavender, and worth the > same amount of money. > > Now, knowing that Greedy Merchant B once worked for greedy > merchant A as a clerk in his twenty third year, and that greedy > merchant A never payed Greedy Merchant B all that well, and knowing > that Greedy Merchant B has six hungry, screaming children, one wife, > and three mistresses to support, while Greedy Merchant A only has two > children, one wife, and one mistress, and that Greedy Merchant B > really doesn't like Greedy Merchant A all that much, even though they > were once lovers, it is easy to infer how many times a week each of > them bathes, and whether or not the amount of dirt on their bodies > increases geometrically or logarithmically as they fail to bathe. > > However, Greedy Merchant A has recently made a pact with the > Devil so that no one in town (the name of the town being either Grog, > Meriden, or Sloth) will buy any other cloth but his. Greedy Merchant > B, sensing this, has clandestinely stolen all of Greedy Merchant A's > cloth, and replaced it with his own so that when the cloth goes to > market, everyone will buy from Greedy Merchant B because the cloth > ACTUALLY belongs to Greedy Merchant A, which stands to reason since > Greedy Merchant B is just slightly more greedy than Greedy Merchant A. > > While it stands to reason that Greedy Merchant B did very well at > the market that day (his net profit being either 5! 8! or the square > root of the sum of his net profit over the past two months), it must > be taken into account that Greedy Merchant A knows who has betrayed > him and wishes revenge. It also must be taken into account that > Greedy Merchant A also knows where Greedy Merchant B lives, and has > had a crush on Greedy Merchant B's wife since she and Greedy Merchant > B were married seven years ago (in either a chapel, a barn, or a > swimming pool). Since these are true, it stands to reason that greedy > merchant A, seeking both sex AND revenge, would travel to greedy > merchant B's house, rape his wife, and steal all his money. > > But in order for the latter conclusion to be valid, it must first > be noted (in order to preserve precision to seventy decimal places) > that Greedy Merchant B was aware of Greedy Merchant A's adulterous > schemings and took measures to prevent said schemings from becoming a > set of unfortunate and illogical (the proof of the illogic being > beyond the scope of this text) circumstances. Now, knowing that > Greedy Merchant B has connections with almost every clandestine > organization in Europe, and knowing that the probability of such > organizations coming to help lies somewhere between the amount of > fluid produced by the average garden snail and the amount of methane > gas (in picoliters) produced by the average nine-year-old cow, it can > be inferred that Greedy Merchant A will probably trip on a salami on > the way to Greedy Merchant B's house and be beaten sensless by a group > of rogue mules (said mules having been spotted looting the countryside > for either a day, a month, six months, or a year). > > However, what has not yet been taken into account is that greedy > merchant A despises salami and can smell it from either three, seven, > or nine and a half yards away. Knowing this, and that Greedy Merchant > A will purposely avoid ANY salami, no matter how innocent-looking, > that happens to lying in the middle of the road, it stands to reason > that Greedy Merchant A will make it to Greedy Merchant B's house > completely intact and will carry out the aforementioned set of > adulterous schemings. > > But, for accuracy's sake, it is necessary to understand that > Greedy Merchant A is quite possible the LEAST liked Greedy Merchant in > the entire town (which may ALSO be named Milton, if this is happening > on a Tuesday) and that the probability of a disgruntled customer > dropping a flower pot on Greedy Merchant A's head is tantamount to the > probability of rainfall in Florida during the summer months. > > Knowing all of this, it is easy to find that Greedy Merchant A > sells green cloth, that Greedy Merchant B sells mauve cloth, that > Greedy Merchant A bathes twice a month while Greedy Merchant B bathes > only once a month, that the amount of dirt on the bodies of the Greedy > Merchants increases geometrically as they fail to bathe, that the name > of the town is Meriden, that Greedy Merchant B's net profit was 8!, > that greedy merchant B and his wife were married in a barn, that the > probability of clandestine European organizations coming to help > Greedy Merchant A is the amount of urine produced by the average > german shepherd, that the mules have been looting the countryside for > a month, and that greedy merchant A can smell salami from three yards > away. > > However, for OUR purposes, all of this information is irrelevant. > > Using all the facts from the above paragraphs, prove, in ten > steps or less, that Greedy Merchant A was struck by a flying horseshoe > and that said horseshoe was hurled by a person named Horace. Also > prove, in that same space, that Greedy Merchant B ate the salami which > was avoided by Greedy Merchant A. > > For extra credit, prove that Greedy Merchant B got food poisoning > from the salami and died within a week. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aha. Ten steps? Now let's see... } 1. Greedy Merchant A has fourteen bolts of cloth...in all times, } there were 4.321 merchants on earth that fit that } description, the others are not greedy or don't have enough } cloth, or no cloth at all. } 2. Each bolt was worth twenty dollars then, so there remain only } Bakr ibn Ja'far in Damaskus, Chen Hui-Lin in Shanghai and } Murray F. Goldfarb III in Meriden, Ohio. } 3. The colours show it has to be Goldfarb, since Bakr sells } only sky-blue cloth with black dots, and Chen sells red cloth } with green and golden stripes. } 4. Merchant B has the same peculiar pecuniar behaviour... } there are 1.587 candidates. } 5. The colours reduce this to 1.583. } 6. The only one of those who ever worked for Goldfarb is } Lucius X. Nylon, also from Meriden. } (Verifying all the facts you listed shows that they are right. } By the way, Goldfarb doesn't like salami because it isn't } kosher, and the Devil you mention is in fact the local } chief of organized crime, Frankie Seraglio, whose nickname } is "the Devil".) } 7. A survey of all the flying objects Goldfarb was ever hit by: } - 182 flower pots } - one bolt of green cloth } - 23 snowballs } - a meteorite } - a spoon } - three pebbles } - a horseshoe } Yes, he IS the least liked Greedy Merchant in Meriden. } 8. The horseshoe was flung by Horace Wisdom, the Greedy Mule } Merchant. His reason was: "Goldfarb looked in the other } direction." } 9. Looking for the death cause of Lucius X. Nylon yields: } ---------- } / \ } / REST \ } / IN \ } / PEACE \ } / \ } | Lucius X. Nylon | } | 8! AU | } | killed by a | } | poisonous salami | } | | } | 1992 | } *| * * * | * } _________)/\\_//(\/(/\)/\//\/|_)_______ } } 10. I asked Goldfarb (I can't know *everything*, can I?) about } the salami, and he acknowledged that it was the one he had } avoided six days before. } } You owe the Oracle some sky-blue underwear with black dots and } two average garden snails, and you owe Murray F. Goldfarb III } a crash helmet. --- 402-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, I think you're pretty cool, and you sure know an awful > lot, but I was just wondering... > > Do you really think it is very nice to ZOT people? I mean, individuals > are different. They have different means of expressing themselves, and > denying them that basic right is detrimental to society as a whole... > I think maybe you should mend your ways and stop treating humans as > fodder. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } That's "tinder", not fodder.