From oracle-request Mon Jan 27 08:51:32 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 27 Jan 92 08:51:32 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #400 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 400 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #400 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 27 Jan 92 08:51:32 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 400 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 395 31 votes 5b960 ac621 7ca11 10ef1 3177d 45a66 24ba4 4cb22 1f951 3c961 395 2.9 mean 2.5 2.1 2.3 3.5 3.8 3.2 3.3 2.5 2.7 2.7 --- 400-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me dear Oracle, > > Is this the planet of sound? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? } } You owe the oracle a new set of speakers and Led Zeplin's "Houses of } the Holy". Both of them died last time he played them on full volume. --- 400-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello! Hey, do you know what's going on here, Magnificent One? > It's this blasted X.400 mail system that's stealing my mail ... > you know, the stuff I've been talking to High Priest Kinzler > about recently. Not even our postmaster can figure it out, and I > was just hoping that you could enlighten me. Pretty please? > The Wumpish One, Speaker to Silicon And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } SORRY, MAIL INCOMPLETE, PLEASE RE-SEND YOUR MAIL --- 400-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What the heck am I writing to you for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For fun! } } For a chance to win an ABSOLUTELY FREE saltshaker. } } For a chance to win an ABSOLUTELY FREE coupon for $12.18 off on the } purchase of your next Ford Lap Dog, the new truck with six-wheel } drive and a comfy smell! } } For a chance to experience UTTER SEXUAL SATISFACTION with a imbecile } from Hawaii! } } For a chance to tell Uncle Ben what you really think of him. --- 400-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To: ORACLE > > Oh mighty and wondrous Oracle, I need some advice. > > I work in a fairly casual office, yet I dress slummier than most. > Since I am in the Northeast, and it is the dead of winter, I refuse to > wear skirts when the ambient temperature is below freezing. I do try > to wear skirts when the temperature rises above freezing, which it is > slated to do tomorrow. However, it is supposed to rain like hell > tomorrow, which makes wearing a skirt yuckky. There may also be some > freezing rain mixed in in some places. Oh yeah, just in case you were > wondering, I am female. > > Oh Oracle, I hate to bother you with such trivial matters, but could > you please give me some fashion advice? Maybe if you are too busy to > answer this, the lovely Lisa could give me some fashion advice. Thank > you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, for starters, there is nothing more trivial than anything else } for my processors to cope with. Every question is equally easy to } answer. Before I dispense my unquestionably vogue fashion advice, I } must commend you on your legs' stamina in enduring the cold frigid } weather, and that I really like the black panties you wear (The Oracle } has video monitors everywhere, even pointing up out of sidewalk } grates). However, wearing a skirt in cold weather is distinctly NOT } slummy dress, it is in fact a much more sophisticated way of dress than } the norm, especially in that casual office that you speak of. That } many of your co-workers are wearing jeans with designer holes in them, } that the secretaries all wear spandex bikini tops and thong swim } trunks, and that your boss wears a tie of the skyline of San Francisco } that glows in the dark, indicates that your selection of skirts over } other forms of clothing is needlessly preppie. Relax, have a brew (or } a wine cooler if you are so inclined), and just wear a towel to work. } This is especially good if it's a rainy day, since you won't have any } clothes to get wet, and you can dry yourself off when you get in to } work. Just raise the thermostat a little in the office place if you } get a little chilly, your co-workers (especially your male ones) will } understand. } } Personally, the only ones that I think are cute in skirts are those } blonde VAXen bubbleheads (there are so many dumb VAX jokes, even I have } lost count), in the spring when the temperatures and hemlines both go } up, but that is just IMHO. But how humble can an all-knowing Oracle } be? } } You owe The Oracle a visit in your new work outfit. } } P.S.: It would be nice if you could wear a blonde wig and slipped into } a Digital TU78 tape drive casing. --- 400-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oraculous oracle, > > I have a projkhnnbfwhccxv AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE..&534795 > SCRATCHHHHHHHHHHH > stop that EEEEEEEK > > CONNECTION CLOSED And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hm. Yes, that's very interesting. To answer your } original question (which I know, of course), your } cat *is* in fact urinating on your modem. } } You owe the Oracle a 20 pound bag of Fresh Step kitty litter. --- 400-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, nifty Oracle, to whom the great questions of the universe seem like > a particularly easy round of trivial pursuit, please grant me > knowledge. What exactly is "object oriented programming"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, simply put the idea is to objectify an object and thus orientate } oneself with it to be able to program it... but this can bring some } problems, say, if you want to objectify the lovely gal next door, she } can raise some objections and call you objectionable, and you might } try keeping objective objecting that you just would like to orientate } yourself with her objects, which in turn causes even more objections } from your objector and all that talk about sex-objects... } } You poor mortal, better stick to assembler! Think the OOP is } for the tough guys only. } } You owe the Oracle an object. --- 400-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: DAVIS@licr.dn.mu.oz.au The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Extraordinarily Illustrious Oracle, > > I seem to have a crush on Nixon's sex slave, but said sex slave does > not seem to even know that I exist. How can I persuade the sex slave > that I exist, and gain access to the sex slave's genital region? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But you see, you *don't* exist. Thus, it is impossible for me to } show you the path to said sex slave's said regions. } } Wait a minute -- you sent me a message, so you must exist. } } } } But not any more. Lisa, where did I put my philosophy books? --- 400-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oracle, > Enclosed please find a grammar (in Extended Backus-Naur Form), > suitable for parsing messages from your grovelling supplicants. > Implemention of this grammar should simplify your task, increasing > Oracular response times significantly. This grammar is provided free of > charge and obligation. Should you decide to outsource for the > implementation of said grammar, I would bring to your attention the fact > that no-one is more qualified than I to do so. > If you like what you see, it may interest you to know that I am also > working on an automated response generator which would relieve you from > *all* of those tedious interactions with mortal beings. Please respond, > indicating your interest in participating in this exciting new > technology. > --- > ::= > > ::= > ::= ? [
] > > ::= Oh {} Oracle, > ::= whose I am not worthy to . > ::= Please answer this question > from a > ::= {|} follower. > ::= (Who | What | When | Where | How) (is | are | do | does) > ::= | > ::= > ::= me | you | us | them | Dan Quayle | Pee Wee Herman | > Liberace | Steve Jobs | Bill Gates | Don King | > Arthur Dent | Lisa | Jeffery Dahmer | Linda Lovelace | > Barbara Bush | Gumbee >
::= {} > > ::= [most] {very} (wise | sexy | witty | charming | > neat-o) > ::= belly_button_lint | farts | boogers | B.O. | toe_nails > ::= weave | ignite | roll | inhale | bite > ::= naive | idiotic | pointless | political | stupid > ::= {} (moronic | techno_weenie | > mindless) > ::= {} lisa_loving | ardent | gullible > ::= ([(is | does | are) (the | my | your)] | am) > > ::= (are | do) [these | those] > ::= keep | still | only | never | sometimes | always > ::= make_love_to | pick_body_lice_of | play_with | cheat_on | > dine_with | dream_of | scared_of | crash | entertain | follow > > ::= I | you | | IRS | Timex_T1000 | DEA | CIA > mother_in_law | girlfriend | sonic_condom | Zippy > ::= plumbers | small_boys | demigods | spiders | > Zorgons | hackers | VAXes | > system_administrators | worms And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sure, let's install your software and give it a go. Let me feed it } a very basic sample question: } } >O Great and Powerful Oracle, whose feet I am not worthy to kiss, } >please tell me: } > } >What is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything? } } Here's what your software came back with: } } >47. } > } >You owe the Oracle a Pan-Universal Listerine. } } Hmm. Looks like there's still a few bugs. Let me know when you've got } them fixed. } } You owe the Oracle complete documentation for the Universe. } } CALM DOWN: it's only ones and zeros. --- 400-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: ewhac@well.sf.ca.us (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Glorious Oracle, whose tiniest bit of wisdom makes the world go > around, please do answer my query. > > If the instrumentalist philosophy of theory formation instructs us to > reject theories that fail to predict events; and falsificationist > theories instruct us to reject theories that cannot be tested; and > realist theories instruct us to reject theories that do not explain > the processes that govern real events; why is economics considered a > science? And why do the Norwegians give out Nobel prizes in > economics, and not in useful scientific endeavors such as palmistry or > numerology? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After much thought, the Oracle said to himself, I could give a totally } appropriate, but somewhat lame one word answer, namely, } } MONEY } } but, I said to myself, there's got to be more to it than that, and } after much research into some of the more obscure Tomes of Oracular } Knowledge, I found another one word answer, namely, } } FJORDS } } You see, the Fjordist school of thoery formation teaches us to reject } any theories that favor the rational thought/act over the irrational } though/act, and instead blindly accept any theory that favors the } irrational over the rational so that we might better enjoy the Fjords. } Now, you may be thinking that the whole concept of the Fjordist school } of theory formation as an explanation as to why economics is a science } extremely irrational, and as such would be a Fjordist Theory, as such } would be a bit of a paradox. Am I making any sense to you? No? Good! } Now, it is essential to understand that paradoxical thinking is a } } "Orrie?" } crucial element in learning to properly } } "Orrie." } } understand how the Fjordist school of theory formation got it's start. } In } } "ORRIE!" } } Yes Lisa } } "What are you doing?" } } Why, answering this question for a supplicant } } "I can see that... Why are you running on at the mouth?" } } Well, it's a fairly complicated answer. You see, he wanted to know wh- } } "How much longer are you going to be at this?" } } Oh, another three or four days, depending on how well the supplicant } can relate the the Cross-Granite Inference Patterns to the Mellanson } Computational Equation. } } "You're not giving ANOTHER person that stupid Fjord theory thing again } are you?" } } Well, yes, I am. } } "Let me see the question." } } } } "You're kidding, right? All of that for this?" } } Well, yes. I am the Oracle, after all. } } "Yeah, you're the Oracle all right. Listen, the answer to your } question is Money, ok. All because of money. Now, come to bed Orrie. } It's late" } } Yes Lisa } } You owe the Oracle a less domineering signifigant other } } "I heard that Orrie!" } } One that doesn't have such good hearing, too } } *SLAP* } } Ow! } } "Now get in here before I hit you again." --- 400-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Greg Wohletz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How's it hangin'? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ]Notice: Question has been received. } [ Read Question. } > How's it hangin'? } [ Analyze Question. } 3 words. 4 syllables. 2 contractions via apostrophes. } 1 interrogation symbol. } Do you want word-per-word grammatical analysis? Y } 1\o word: "How's". Contraction of two words, "How" and "is". } 1a\o word: "How". Pronoun Interrogative. Subject. } 1b\o word: "is". Verb Intransitive. S-V-O structure assumed. } 2\o word: "it". Pronoun. Object of subject (1a\o). } 3\o word: "hangin'". Contraction of one word, "hanging". } Gerund Adverbial phrase. } [ talk Lisa. } Lisa has answered the telephone. } Lisa: Hi Orrie, where shall we meet tonite (giggle)? } : Usual place. Can you make sense of this: } SEND $-16,$-4 } Lisa: Oh, that's easy. Watch: } XRAY . } Client Oracle is not wearing any underwear. } XRAY) Zoom with question "How's it hangin'". } Zoom feature initiated. "Hangin'" object observed. Object is } limp. } Lisa: Oh, Orrie, we gotta fix that. Let's meet right now. } : Usual place, I'm on my way. } [ Reply Question } You owe the Oracle some privacy. } [ Logout