From oracle-request Fri Jan 10 09:25:00 1992 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 10 Jan 92 09:25:00 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #392 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 392 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #392 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 10 Jan 92 09:25:00 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 392 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 387 19 votes 47521 74611 36271 15544 36712 2a511 26452 17821 03556 14a31 387 2.8 mean 2.4 2.2 2.8 3.3 2.6 2.4 2.9 2.7 3.7 2.9 --- 392-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Oracle! Catch! > > rhino > bearded clam > gerbil > worm > rabbi > banshee > slime slug > > What'll you do now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here, mortal user, catch! } } Godzilla } nuclear warhead } large asteroid } stock market crash } Maury Povitch } pit bulls } endorsement by Dan Quayle } } You owe the Oracle... } } Hello? --- 392-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and omnipotent Oracle who knows everything including my > humble question, please answer it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course, my most humble and deserving questioner. For is it not } written in the great Guide to the Usenet Oracle that I will correctly } answer any question put to Me? And, for your thoughtful and intelligent } question, as well as for your deeply meaningful grovel, it is with } great pleasure that I will answer your question. } } No, Thor, I don't know where you misplaced Mjolnir. Go ask Loki, he's } usually to blame. And no, I haven't seen him recently, either. Now go } back to playing with your toys and leave me be. } } You owe the Oracle a ringside seat at Ragnarok, and the popcorn } franchise. --- 392-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > hows about some bondage and humiliation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What, again? You just can't get enough of this stuff, can you? The } Oracle is not normally so patient and forebearing, but we can go } through this one more time. } } Follow the instructions precisely. } } 1) Buy 500 ft of nylon rope. } 2) Cut four three-foot lengths of rope. } 3) Strip naked and paint your body with whatever seems interesting in } your kitchen. } 4) Lie down on the bed with the corner posts. } 5) Tie your ankles to two posts. } 6) Tie the other two lengths to the other posts, and tie a slip knot in } each length. Leave very little slack. } 7) Insert each hand into a loop, and pull them tight. } } Now relax. I've phoned your mother and invited her to your place for } dinner. She should arrive in a few hours. } } You owe the Oracle a more interesting hobby. --- 392-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was walking past McDonald's yesterday when I noticed something > strange. A man with a purple overcoat was sitting by the bike rack in > front of Burger King. He had a yellow cap and a small lapel pin that > read "askme". I thought it rather strange that I could read the pin > since Burger King is at least half a mile from MickeyD's. So I decided > to eat at JimmyJohn's, since it is past both of them. As I got within > a quarter mile of the man, I realized that he was staring at me. Even > though he was that far away, I could tell that he was staring directly > at my left shoulder, since that was the one that started feeling very > warm. I knew the sign next to the man said "No Loitering" in big red > letters, but I couldn't read it yet as I was too far away. But I could > read the pin on his lapel. Suddenly, the man shook a bit, and I > realized that his attention had re-focused on my forehead. Now my > brain was getting quite warm. I was drawing quite close to the man, so > close that I felt compelled to veer off the sidewalk to cross the road. > As I did so, I noticed with a strange detachment that a crowd of cars > was rushing towards me at excessive speeds. I wandered slowly across > the road, staring at the man. With a flick of his head, he indicated > that I should examine the approaching cars. I stared into a flowing > dance of fifty automobiles, but only saw one. A cheap run-of-the-mill > Fiero. I could tell from my position that it didn't even have the > suspension package. It dove and swerved and leaned quite a bit as it > did so, but kept approaching. I listened to the annoying whine of it's > tiny engine. There was a small logo next to the Pontiac symbol, so > small that I shouldn't have been able to read it. It said "tellme". > Other cars flew by, but I could only read one of them. I peered > through the windshield, and saw the man with the purple overcoat. That > prompted me to see if he was still sitting at Burger King. I looked > back and saw that I was quite a ways from BK, in fact, I was almost at > JimmyJohn's. My awareness heightened, and my detachment deepened. I > could feel the Fiero approaching from behind, I waited to see what > would happen. That's when the man in the purple overcoat appeared next > to me beneath a huge sign that said "help". I took his hand, left the > street, and felt the Fiero whizz by driverless, only to crash into the > streetlight back in the direction of BK. I looked up to notice that the > sign said "Phelp's Motors" (funny, that's in Chicago), and looked down > to notice the disappearance of the man. I was suddenly very hungry, > and downed two JimmyJohn's sub's in five minutes. > > I don't get it. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear George, } } Such hallucinations are not uncommon when suffering } from the intestinal flu. I suggest you follow your } own doctor's advice, and spend a full day in bed, } taking plenty of liquids, and don't try to do too } oh my god, ullch, ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod, } the colors, it's unbearable, look out, that Fiero's } coming right toward us, it's, it's, ohmygodohmygod, } BLEEEEEAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, } oh now look what I've done, clean that up will you, } where did the Fiero go, oh well, never mind, at least } it's a good thing I get over these things quickly, anyway } don't try to do too much for the next couple of days, } and I don't think you'll have this happen again. } } You owe the Oracle $85 for the house call. And next } time, try not to get your germs on me. --- 392-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please make me do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart, oh please please > please... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Lisa (coming in): Orrie? Here is another question for you. (looks } around) Orrie? } } } } Lisa (coming in): Hullo? Does anybody know where the Oracle is? } Karyanta: Ha! Probably lying in the gutter, drunk. } Lisa: I will tell him what you think about him! } Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab: Phh, if he is omniscient, he should know it } anyway. } Christopher Pettus: Omniscient, my foot! } Harold the Foot: Huh? } Christopher Pettus: No, not you. } Lisa: But this question has to be answered today, and the Oracle is not } there! } The Nefarious Scotto: Go find him! That's not our job. } Scott W. Starkey: Steve, couldn't you find a more reliable man for this } Oracle job? It's not the first time he did this. } Steve Kinzler: He is the only one who would answer difficult questions } without a salary. Only a bologna sandwich now and then, some Usenet } postage stamps, a grain of salt...the original Mona Lisa in ASCII- } format...he is a modest fellow. } PETROSKY,WILLIAM T: Modest? Look at this! Here he flames this poor } questioner just because she had written only fourteen lines of } grovelling! } The Lion of Symmetry: And then this childish 'ZAP!' and 'ZOT!' every } time he is in a bad mood. } Lisa: One has to let off steam sometimes. } Michael Zintl: Ve vould have fired him years ago if he veren't funny } once in a vhile. } Otis Viles: Who, me? } Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who": No, that's me! } Omne (Scott L. Baker): Please stop that! It's silly. } Lisa: Somebody will have to answer this question. } J.Cheetham: What is the question? } Lisa: > Please make me do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart, oh please } please please... } The Barrister: That's all? } Lisa: (nods) } The Barrister: That's not a question! } Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein): And no grovelling! } Joshua.R.Poulson: But he said please. Four times. } gateway@oasis.icl.co.uk (OP to/from UNIX Mail Gateway): Tell him he } should do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart. Seems like that's what he } wants. } J. Cheetham: Right. } Lisa: (sits down, writes) Hey you! Do nasty things to Jimmy Swaggart, } or I'll ZOT you. } Otis Viles: Yes, that's Oracle style. } Lisa: You owe the Oracle } Dr. Who: the smashed and burned remains of Jimmy Swaggart! } Lisa: (writes it) } Oracle: (comes in) Hello fans! } Harold the Foot: Where have you been? } Oracle: Lying in the gutter, drunk. You owe the Oracle...a drink. --- 392-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh ravishing Oracle, whose smarts are vaster than that of the Satan, I > humble myself before your depressing intelligence. Am I better Mrs. > Lustful Tame Marmot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I assume, illiterate mortal, that you wonder whether you are } better THAN Mrs. Lustful Tame Marmot, to which the answer is a } qualified "yes." The problem is that "Lustful" and "Tame" form } an oxymoron. . . } } . . . an oxymoron, you moron. You don't know what that is? } Military Intelligence? Jumbo shrimp? Yeah, one of THOSE things. } } ...anyway... You are better than Mrs. Tame Marmot, who sits at } home and straightens her panty-hose and thinks about what kind of } casserole to bake for Mr. Lusty Marmot, who will be home for } dinner soon. You are, however, a little below Mrs. Lusty Marmot, } who's a hot mama revved up for some tasty Marmot action. Mrs. } Lusty lives next door to Mrs. Tame, and she, too, is married to } another tame Marmot. } } There's another famous pair of couples that rival Mrs. Tame and } Mr. Lusty, and Mrs. Lusty and Mr. Tame. Yep, you've got it, } sportsfans, none other than Blondie and Dagwood and Herb and } Tootsie! Very few know it, but Dagwood is a hung stud, and } Tootsie is a VERY hot little number. Even Elmo isn't safe from } her advances. And why do you think the mailman comes by ten } times a day? And all those traveling salesmen? It's amazing } how, with a little insight, the funnies begin to make sense. } Dagwood and Tootsie have been doing the bone-dance for years now, } and Blondie and Herb just don't have a clue. One of these days, } however, the house of cards will tumble, and Dagwood "Lusty } Marmot" Bumstead and Tootsie "Mrs. Lusty Marmot" Woodley will get } caught doing the mashed potato in Dagwood's bathtub, and all hell } will break loose. } } Of course, Herb and Blondie won't seek solace in each other, } became tame Marmots don't even want to be with EACH OTHER. } } It's the same old story. Ricky was boinking Ethel on top of the } piano at the Tropicana while Lucy and Fred were home watching } television. Ted Forth has been playing hide-the-salami with } Sally's secretary, Marcie, for five years now. Cathy and Mr. } Pinkley meet surreptitiously in the health club steam room, and } her drippy boyfriend is none the wiser. Everybody on "Married } With Children" sleeps with everybody else. Nobody's innocent. } The world is on trial. } } So in fact, the answer to your question is "Yeah. You ARE better } than Mrs. Lusty Tame Marmot. Because she's confused (one of } those split-personality things) and she'll never know what she } wants. My advice is to emulate Mrs. Lusty Marmot, grab the } goodies and run. } } You owe the Oracle renewed faith in one's fellow Marmot. --- 392-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now that Johnny Most has had both legs amputated, will he be known as > Johnny More? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } More or less. --- 392-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and repeatedly geophagous Oracle, pray answer my foolish > question. How can I avoid the opalescent DOOM which even now snaps at > my knees? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're in luck! The first copies of the latest "Oracle's Guide to } Answers, Solutions, Problems, and Perpetual Employment" just hit my } desk (*FWAP*). Copies of the Mortal's Edition (with an EXTRA BONUS } appendix of The Oracle's greatest quotations ever!) are now available } in a handsome 42-volume CD-ROM set, yours for only $32,767! (Hmmm, I } really need to bump that field up to a longword.) } } But wait, there's more! If you act NOW, a tasteful Oracle wall clock } with genuine quartz movement (accurate within +/- 10 minutes PER DAY!) } will be sent to you as a FREE GIFT! This beautiful clock, which is } made of 100% pure polystyrene, is valued by Lisa, my appraiser, at } $39.95 (plus taxes and tags), but you can have it absolutely FREE. } Remember, you must act NOW to take advantage of this LIMITED TIME } SPECIAL OFFER. } } And now, back to our regular program. } } Here is what the guide has to say about your problem: } } DOOM, opalescent (see also KNEES, snapping) } } DESCRIPTION: Descriptions of opalescent DOOM are of necessity } vague, as very few witnesses survive an encounter, and those that do } are either rendered non compos mentis by the experience, or were } running too fast to get a good look, or both. In fact, the only } characteristics that observers have been able to agree upon are } these: it opalesces, and you really don't want to be in the same } county with it. } } HABITAT: Opalescent DOOM can adapt itself to a wide variety of } environments, although it seems to prefer UNIX workstations, } probably because it can single out victims, lure them in with pretty } graphics, and then, when they are hopelessly mired in man pages, } opalescent DOOM contentedly snaps at their knees until they dump } core. (Not pretty.) VMS systems also offer many attractive nooks } and crannies for opalescent DOOM to hide. } } Opalescent DOOM avoids MVS systems, probably because it keeps on } screwing up its JCL, spooling itself across the Atlantic, getting } mangled in a card punch, etc. In some instances, opalescent DOOM } has been known to inhabit VM systems, where it creates virtual DOOM } machines and occasionally snacks on late-night tape operators. } Users of these systems tend not to notice, since they are already } afflicted by a fate far worse than opalescent DOOM, that of IBM } Brain Damage, and being eaten alive by a ravening monster would } actually come as a pleasant relief. } } COUNTERMEASURES: Run away. Terribly fast. } } So, there you have it. You'd better start -- oh, I see it's not going } to matter too much anymore, is it? Gee, too bad about those knees. } Hey, could you please try not to bleed on the carpet? Criminy, some } people are just SO inconsiderate. } } You owe The Oracle an order for the guide. Operators are standing by } to take your call, and please have your credit card ready. Come on, } you don't need your legs to dial a phone. Quit whining already. --- 392-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "I wish I did. Do you think, maybe, > it's a test? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THIS IS A TEST ====================================================== } } For the next 20 lines this Incarnation will be conducting a test of the } IBS - The Inanity Broadcast System. This is only a test. } } ---- WHAT THE HECK KINDA QUESTION IS THAT NO ONE COULD POSSIBLY KNOW } ---- WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT IT WOULD TAKE A ROOM FULL OF } ---- CRYPTOGRAPHERS FOUR MONTHS WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK TO MAKE SENSE } ---- OF THAT WHOM ARE YOU TRYING TO KID WHY DON'T YOU POST TO } ---- TALK.BIZARRE INSTEAD YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING } } This is a test of the Inanity Broadcast System. The Incarnations in } your area, in voluntary cooperation with local, regional and system } administrators, have developed this system to keep answers coming in } the event of an incomprehensible, no-context querant. Had this been an } actual incomprehensible querant, you would have been told where to go. } } This Oracle serves the Usenet area. } } This concludes this test of the Inanity Broadcast System. This is the } Usenet Oracle, oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu. } } You owe the Oracle a test pattern. --- 392-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > help i'm a bug And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } you're a feature!