From oracle-request Thu Dec 19 23:17:50 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 19 Dec 91 23:17:50 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #386 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 386 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #386 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 19 Dec 91 23:17:50 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 386 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 381 18 votes 13842 42840 12582 28620 24570 14472 13266 43380 01674 15552 381 3.1 mean 3.2 2.7 3.4 2.4 2.9 3.3 3.7 2.8 3.8 3.1 --- 386-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great, Libertarian Oracle, answer me this politically incorrect > question: Is an honest Republican something like a rational Democrat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Both of those animals were in the bar having a few beers with the } unicorns and the gryphons when the final call for the Ark came, so I } guess we'll never know. } } You owe the Oracle a respite from the term "politically incorrect". --- 386-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, whose nose I am not fit to pick, whose toe-jam > I am not fit to taste, and whose earwax I am not fit to sculpt, please, > oh please, answer me this, my simple question.... > > Just how deep IS the average navel? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I dunno, man, some of them puppies are pretty deep. You know, I } heard once (can't say if it's true) that just like you can tell } about a GUY by looking at his thumbs (or his schnoz, or whatever } else you want to stare at), you can tell a lot about a woman by } the dimensions and depth of her navel. This rumor got around the } beach once, and you shoulda seen the commotion... } } {Cut to scene of beach. A beautful, tan, blonde woman is } reclining on a towel. She is wearing a whisper of a bikini top, } and a thong bottom. A crowd of lust-crazed computer nerds } gathers. When she rolls over to sun her face, a gasp runs } through the crowd. She has a tight, firm navel, but it appears } to run deep. Some money exchanges hands in the crowd, and soon a } nervous-looking geek, wiping his nose on the back of his hand and } sporting a tremendous. . . . ruler, steps forward to see if he } can measure the depth of her navel without waking her. Let's } watch the action:} } } VOICE IN CROWD: "Shhh! Be veh-wy, veh-wy quiet." } } GEEK: (Tiptoeing toward sleeping blonde, measuring rod in hand) } Are you sure this is gonna work, guys? What if she wakes up? } She might hit me or sumthin!" } } DORK IN CROWD: "So? If she wakes up, you can show her who's } boss." } } SECOND DORK IN CROWD: "Yeah, right. She'll probably pummel the } crap out of him." } } GEEK: "Shut up, guys! I'm gettin' kinda nervous." (Pushes } repaired glasses farther up nose and breaks wind.) "Oh man, I } always do that when I'm scared. I dunno about this." (Inches } nearer blonde, who moans slightly and wakens.) } } BLONDE: "Huh? What?" (Shields eyes from sun and surveys the } crowd) "Who ARE you losers?" } } DORK IN CROWD: "We're astronomers, ma'am. We're here to measure } your navel!" } } SECOND DORK IN CROWD: "Yeah! We heard that how deep your navel } is means how deep..." (giggles nervously) "...you know. How deep } the other part is." } } BLONDE: "The OTHER part? I'll 'other part' you, you little } creep!" Stands up and starts pummeling Geek, who drops to the } sand and curls into the fetal position, screaming "Ow, ow, ow!" } } GEEK: "Run for it, guys! She's got a curling iron!" } } CROWD: (Scatters) } } So nobody knows for sure, my humble supplicant. The blonde } pummeled the living crap out of the geek, and no astronomer on } the beach ever dared go near a beach babe again. If one of them } ever gets laid, however, he's promised to write back to all the } rest of the guys and tell them if the legend is true. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Legend of Sleepy Hollow. } (Which implies that our geek is a "head"less horseman?) --- 386-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Overly omnipotent oracle, > Ought our own oval octopus' own our own old oars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh opportuning oaf, observe! } } Our otherworldly octopi -- oblong, obese, oblivious -- owe odious } O'Donnell one offspring (or offshoot) of our oak. Only our own } ogling orchestral Orpheus, ordering orchids, observed. Oust (or } ostracize, or oxidize) ornery outlaw O'Donnell, or our outrage } overwhelms opulent Omaha or opalescent Ontario! } } Obey our ordinance! OK? --- 386-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I like to bike! I like to lick! > Am I slow or am I quick? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The man likes to climb on his bi-sic-cle } He's much too big for a little tri-sic-cle } He likes to ride and he likes to pedal } And he wants to know if his pedal's to the metal } Well he's a lucky guy 'cause he's on the Internet } And he thinks, "Hey man, with the Oracle I'm set!" } So he sends in mail and he adds one trick } 'cause aside from riding bikes, he also likes to lick } } The Oracle reads your mail with some irk } `cause though you didn't beg, you wanted him to work! } You didn't even grovel, you didn't supplicate } And you want clever answers? Well that's just great! } It's clear you need lessons in hu-mil-i-ty } 'cause otherwise your actions will be in fu-til-i-ty } It's clear from all of this, no matter bike or lick, } That you're not very humble, nor very quick. } That only leaves one option I hope don't make you low, } I'm really very sorry, but I must conclude you're slow. } } You owe the Oracle music lessons from Dee-Lite. --- 386-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could I please learn a little more about this system? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Usenet Oracle: Acolyte Sue, would you please take care of this? Some } feller `owed' me sixteen dancing girls, and the enterprising young } lad actually came through! Of course, they must be _personally_ } inspected. [Wink] } } [UO scampers off with a gleam in his eye] } } Acolyte Sue: [Sly grin] Of course, your pompousnessage. Ok, he's } gone. Here's ho- Oh, hi Lisa. } } [Enter an adorable young woman wearing only an extra-long t-shirt and } a cowboy hat] } } Lisa: Didn't I just see my Oreo come through here? } } AS: Yes'm, I believe he's down in Acquisitions. Said he was going to } be tied up for several hours with the backlog. [Frown] I don't } think you'd want to catch him in the mood he's in. } } Li: Thanks, damnitallanyway. [Stomps off in the sexiest of huffs] } } AS: Ok, here's ho- } } [Enter the Oracle, slipping through a crack in the door. Flushed and } mussed, he's missing some buttons. He looks around furtively.] } } UO: Yikes, I almost forgot, I was supposed to cat- } } AS: -atch up with Lisa, yes, your platitudeness. [Mock blandness] } Aren't you tied up in Acquisitions for the rest of the afternoon? } In the foulest of moods? } } UO: Bless your heart... [Relieved smile] Continue, Aco-, er, } Priestess-elect Sue. } } [Sue's robes waver and change color to a mauve and chartreuse tartan. } With a low V-neckline.] } } PS: Pries...? Yes sir!, thank you, sir!, very much! } } UO: [Heh] Back to the chain gang! Ciao! } } [Poof!, Oracle's gone.] } } PS: That's how the system works. [Runs her hands down the new robes] } Oh, this is so much fun! You owe... Let's see. What's fair? } Hmm. You owe the Oracle... an Acolyte! --- 386-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great oracle... whose arms are the color of michael jackson's > underwear... > > why does the net lag so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is pondering your question. } } Expect an answer in a day or two. --- 386-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What should I do about this embarrassing itch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I'm not *really* a doctor, but if I were, I would prescribe } } BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! [-*ZOT!*-] } } Hallelujah! I finally got that pesky rabbit! Now I can get some } sleep. } } You were saying... Oh yeah, that annoying itch. Well, since you } didn't grovel, let me take care of it for you. } } [-*ZOT!*-] BOOM! shika-shika BOOM! shika-shika BOOM! } shika-shika...... } } Hey, what are you complaining about? Your itch is gone, isn't it? } } You owe the Oracle the Energizer Bunny(tm)'s head on a plate. --- 386-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why NOT pass go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the little stones fly everywhere. Also, } it's considered poor sportsmanship if you happen } to be playing a game at the time. Pass a football } instead. --- 386-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most awesome Oracle, > > What shall we do with a drunken sailor? > What shall we do with a drunken sailor? > What shall we do with a drunked sailor, > Early in the morning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Keep him away from the oil tanker, } Don't let him near the oil tanker } Don't let him steer the oil tanker } Early in the morning! } } You owe the Oracle a can of salmon that doesn't taste like crude oil. --- 386-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sing me a song, tell me a joke, read my fortune. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hi there Kevin! Don't like beeing anonymous, do we ;-) Well, here } comes the help (but I have to say that you are a poor groveller) } } do dah do doo dii da do ditt *BANG* [sound of frying pan } hitting the tender forehead of oracle] } Lisa : Stop singing you stupid twit, I have told you a thousand times } that you don't know how to sing. } oracle [in a mild voice] : sorry darling } oracle [normal voice] : Well, there was this man coming into a bar } *THUD* [sound of unconnected Braun hairdryer hitting an oracle] } ouch!, Lisa, what is the matter with you? } Lisa : You know that you are not allowed to tell any bar jokes, not } since you told God that one about the vicar. } oracle : oh, yes, the vicar story (Gulp), well we don't want to offend } God now do we? } oracle [in a silent voice] : and we don't want to offend our Lisa now } do we however here's your future. Never let your girlfriend } move in to your house. } } You owe the oracle a first aid kit