From oracle-request Sun Nov 24 15:57:37 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 24 Nov 91 15:57:37 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #377 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 377 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #377 Compiled-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU Date: Sun, 24 Nov 91 15:57:37 -0500 *** Your guest editor for the next three weeks will be Joshua R Poulson, *** who's graciously agreed to prepare the issues of the Usenet *** Oracularities while I'm away at a conference in Australia. (If anyone *** knows of good restaurants or internet access in Perth, please let me *** know)! For part of this period the voting results will not appear -- *** we'll catch up on those in mid-December. *** *** Steve Kinzler, kinzler@cs.indiana.edu To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 377 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 372 25 votes 07936 18862 00889 01b67 1e352 36466 167a1 3e710 11788 15595 372 3.3 mean 3.3 3.0 4.0 3.8 2.7 3.2 3.2 2.2 3.8 3.5 --- 377-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it, O Mighty Oracle, that a supplicant must grovel to obtain an > answer from you? You who are just a figment of Kinzler's small mind, > have no right to expect verbal tribute from someone who has been shot > down, time and time again, for not groveling. Maybe I will pull your > PLUG!!!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ordinarily, when someone speaks to me in such a manner, I simply } cause him to be the victim of some unfortunate catastrophe such } as having a thousand pigeons simultaneously defecate on him. But, } in this case I sense that you are simply a poor, misguided soul } who simply needs to be told the truth to be able to see the light. } } First off, I am not a figment of anybody's mind, small or otherwise. } I am the Oracle, the embodiment of knowledge and wisdom, who has } chosen Kinzler to be the means whereby what I have to offer can } be made available to insignificant organic creatures such as your- } self. } } Second, one must grovel so that what I have to say will be most } effective. My knowledge is so weighty that it has a sort of } gravitational potential, if you will. If one humbles oneself } while at the same time elevating me, the wisdom I impart will } strike with the greatest force making it more likely that it will } actually penetrate that cumbersome head and be understood. } } Of course, it may be that I simply like it. } } You owe the oracle a new gravity well. --- 377-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > |O|________________|O| > | ________________ | > |O| |O| > | | Why do I think | | > |O| I'm a cartoon |O| > | | strip? | | > |O|________________|O| > | ________________ | > |O| |O| > | | | | And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You think you're a cartoon strip? HAH! You're nothing! When I was } young, we had *real* strips! Dick Tracy, L'il Abner, Henry, Gasoline } Alley...THOSE were strips! You young cartoons today, you have it so } easy. When *I* was your age, we didn't have mamby-pamby things like } PostScript and BubbleJets. And we didn't have limp-wristed programming } habits like terminals, either. No, we had only 1K memory banks and had } to be programmed by HARDWARE people! Using only toggle switches, no } less. We didn't have games, either. We could only.... } } *BREAK* } } The Oracle would like to apologize for the antics of his earlier } version. He was programmed in a beta version of B, and isn't fully } compatible with some younger programs. --- 377-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It takes only one lick to get to the centre of my Tootsie. } } And don't EVER call me Pop again. --- 377-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TELL ME HOW TO DECODE And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sorry Biff, the DES decryption algorithm is a national secret, and the } Oracle has sworn not to reveal it. I can, however, tell you the } contents of that file you managed to snag off the pentagon computer. } The file name was TerriblyBigSecret, from the directory } /homes/administration/current/quayle. } } Decoded, it reads: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } Hey, THis is Neat!!!111 How doyou work this? IAM THE VICE_PRSIDENT> } AND I SAY QUIT NOQW! Computerz are fun, but I wish i had a better } terminal than this commadorre. } } stop } break } quit } goodbye } off } :wg } :wq } control x control s } } what do you mean that means I should hold down the control key? Oh, } isee. ------------------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle a 200-digit prime number. --- 377-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mr. Oracle! Mr. Oracle, sir? > I found this posted on the net today: > > > Omniscience can be thought of as the opposite of intelligence. > > Intelligence is, after all, the ability to derive new information > > from old. The omniscient already know everything, and therefore > > cannot derive anything. Hence, they are not intelligent. > > It this true??? Tell me it ain't so! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } duh... --- 377-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it when I think life can't get any worse, it usually does? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Check any reputable calculus book, you should find a fairly simple } proof of the following: } } lim L(t)+M(t)+B(t)+H(t) = 0 } t->infinity } } where: } L(t): Love at time (t) } M(t): Money at time (t) } B(t): Business success at time (t) } H(t): General happiness at time (t) } } Put simply, the sum of these four functions is strictly decreasing } with respect to time, which is why life keeps getting worse for } you. Sorry, simple mathematical truth. --- 377-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, ye mighty Oracle, > I have but humble needs... there is this question on my mind, > that only thou can answer - if you'd be so kind > to ponder deeply and to tell me : > > What's the correct translation of the dutch word 'kroket' in english ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear kroket-head: } } The Dutch word 'kroket' actually has three meanings: } } 1. Most often, 'kroket' is used as an expletive, as in: } "Veer ist ool dees kroket vater gomingk vrom?" } } 2. Somewhat less often, 'kroket' refers to an sport played on a lawn } covered in about 9 to 12 inches of water. Wooden mallets are used } to drive heavy stone or wooden balls through mousehole shaped } wires, or "wickets." } } Participants are often heard to shout the name of this game after } tripping on the above mentioned underwater wickets. See definition } 1. } } 3. Lastly, 'kroket' may refer to a rather insidious marital aid } invented by a U.S. national guard officer in the 60s. The name of } the officer is unknown, but his initials, J.D.Q., are often used } to refer to the three major components of a kroket: Jelly, } Dog-collar, and Quarterhorse. } } In some Central American regimes and extra-Earthly dimensions, } a variant of the kroket is used as a torture device on political } prisoners and inadequate grovelers, respectively. } } Regards, } The Mighty Oracle } } P.S. You owe the oracle a kroket of your choice. } } I heard that. --- 377-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear > to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than > what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. > > Don't you agree? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that question sure has us thinking hard up here in Heaven(TM). } We tried the usual approaches: } } gabriel>augury -chicken } Entrails v1.3 pondering... } ... } ... } Did you remember to brush your teeth this morning? } gabriel> } } We tried some unusual approaches, involving a goat and a rubber glove, } but these led us nowhere. We tried to ask the Boss about it, but he } was away at a conference. Finally, we came up with the solution. } This sort of question is easy to answer - you take a coin, throw it, } and once the coin is in the air you'll realise what answer you } actually want. } } Thus, the answer is: tails. } } The oracle requests a new rubber glove in payment. --- 377-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle most wise, > of most discerning eyes, > of intelligence most vast > knowing present, future, and past, > please tell me, > > Why do I lover her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh suplicant trephined, } Surely thou art blind. } With cortex miniscule, } You insist on playing fool... } } Oh for crying in the sepulchral sink, } 'lover' is a noun not a verb -- 'Why do I lover her' doesn't make } sense, it's like saying 'Why do I mountain her?' } } Oh, but I'm in a generous mood and I'll assume that you made an honest } spelling mistake... and I'll take the question as you meant it... } 'Why do I lower her?' } } The answer child is: (tiny thunder claps and a modest lightning bolt) } } Because she's getting heavy! } } You owe the oracle your grade three English text and a new pulley. --- 377-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it bleach only removes the dark stains from my underwear? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, sonny, that's because you're probably using selective bleach. You } see, ordinary bleach only covers the lower end of the spectrum, whereas } for stains of lighter hue, say red or yellows, require a special form } of bleach. This could be rectified by not using dorm washing machines, } but by going to college cleaners and having them do it. } } It would also help if you stopped inserting small animals into your } rectum.