From oracle-request Thu Nov 14 14:27:34 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 14 Nov 91 14:27:34 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #372 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 372 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #372 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 14 Nov 91 14:27:34 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 372 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 367 29 votes 05a95 2a953 89840 0aa81 26a83 1ab52 05a86 18c53 8f330 46955 367 2.9 mean 3.5 2.9 2.3 3.0 3.1 2.9 3.5 3.0 2.0 3.0 --- 372-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and mighty oracle, [etc etc etc]... > > There's a problem that's been running on my Timex Sinclair of a mind, > yet requires your Crayness to figure out... > > Please tell me: > Why does it take 9 days for a letter to arrive from my bank located > a mere 15 minute walk away? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me explain: } } Checking account } Overdraft notice } Envelope } Stamp } Mailbox } Mailbox post } Mailbox flag } Cheap Blue Jeep Mail Truck } Driver } 15 Beers } 19 Long Islands } 5 shots of whiskey } 1 cheap blonde } Collision with Maxima } Enraged driver of Maxima } Baseball bat to head of Enraged driver of Maxima } Cop car } Detective car } Ambulance } Neighborhood kids } Concerned moms } Excited dads drawn away from football by the spectacle } Harsh words } Violent words } Words best left unsaid } Words that would violate a parking meter } Departure of concerned moms } Brawl in street } Football game in street } The lull before the storm } Law suit } Prosecuting attorney } Defense attorney } Baseball bat to the head of the Prosecuting attorney } Resignation of defense attorney } 25 shots of whiskey } Violent rampage through courtroom } 7 day sentence for disorderly conduct } Pipe bomb in jail cell } Death of Driver } New (Prudish) Driver } First love } Collision with Maxima } Similar events } New (Seasoned) Driver } Mid-Life crisis } High speed delivery of mail } Speeding ticket } Pleading } Lying } Cursing } Apologizing } Kneeling } Pushover cop } No speeding ticket } Ego boost } Realization of falsity } Reckless driving through streets of Los Angeles } Mailbox bashing } Contractor hired to rebuild mailboxes } Fight with boss } Seasoned Driver fired } Miracle } Mailbox } Recipient } Pipe bomb in Mailbox } Death of recipient } } Seems pretty straightforward. } } You owe the Oracle a Lead/Steel alloy Mailbox. --- 372-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wish I weren't copyrighted. Can it be reversed? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is an interesting fix you got yourself into. You weren't paying } attention were you? The copyright elves snuck up behind you and } stamped that little circle with a "C" in the middle right in the middle } of your forehead, didn't they? And now you want to know if it can be } reversed. Well, no, it can't...at least not easily. You'll have to } wait 50 years until after the elf that stamped your forehead dies, and } even then, you'll be in the public domain. Then, anyone can use you } for whatever they want. So, be prepared, because you'll probably be in } anthologies, libraries, and on K-Tel records for at least the next 50 } years. } } In payment, you're required to give the Oracle a copy of all } photographs from Playboy that have been scanned into computers. --- 372-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle Form #3534992 } } } This is perhaps the [ ] largest duck that the Oracle has ever } [ ] worst rash } [X] most unexpected news } } received. I had [ ] Chinese for lunch today and I'm [ ] hungry again. } [ ] diarrea all night [ ] sick as a dog. } [X] no idea that you felt this way [X] very surprised } } How [ ] amazing of you to [ ] realize that! Perhaps you and I } [ ] inexcusible [ ] give me } [X] daring [X] ask } } should [ ] roast this sucker over [ ] an open fire. } [ ] consult with a doctor [ ] at the clinic. } [X] talk things over [X] at your place. } } Now, [ ] hurry up because [ ] I'm hungry! } [ ] check yourself [ ] things might start falling off } [X] let me know quickly, [X] I'm anxious to hear from you. } } Signed, } } The Oracle } } For payment you are required to [ ] bring barbaque sauce } [ ] pay the doctor's bill. } [X] give the Oracle a kiss. --- 372-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh Oracle, who's folicles are like stands of mighty oak. Why > am I losing my hair at such a rate that I'll look like Telly Savalas or > Sinead O'Conner in a couple years? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Probably too much radiation coming off your monitor. You should really } get out more, enjoy the warm breezes and the sunlight. Then all you } have to worry about is lung and skin cancer. } } But you needn't worry about your future. As the two names you } mentioned demonstrate, many bald people (or, as the politically correct } among us would prefer, those who are folically challenged) have gone on } to have quite fabulous careers. } } Let's see if we can find you something in show business. Here, read } this: } } "Who loves ya, baby?" } "The Players' Club card - now it's even easier to throw your life } savings down the crapper." } } No, I'm afraid you haven't quite got the voice to be the next Telly } Savalas. Try the following: } } "Nothing compares 2 U" } "It's not just the US, I refuse to have _any_ national anthem played } at my concerts." } } Ugh, even worse. You were a half a tone flat on the first, and you } didn't sound at all convincing on the second. I'm just about out of } ideas. Try this one, if it doesn't work we'll start looking into wigs. } } "Ahead warp factor 7. Engage!" } "Anti-lock brakes!" } } Bingo! } } You owe the Oracle a quart of Minoxadyl. --- 372-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu> The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did you hear the one about George Bush and the snapping turtle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course I did -- I'm the Oracle, and thus I've heard them ALL! } I didn't like it as much as the one about Margaret Thatcher and } the industrial vacuum cleaner though. } } You owe the Oracle the one about Boris Yeltsin and the Russian Bear. --- 372-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are one of the top users of diskspace on the iuvax. > > iuvax.indiana.edu%du ~oracle > 1203492E+2394 > > The use of so much disk space by you is now giving other users > "file system full" errors. Please clean up unused files and > directories immediately or the system administrator will have to do > it for you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FOOLISH MORTAL! You DARE to threaten the Eternal Oracle with } your puny System Administrator! You DARE to suggest the Mighty Oracle } be constrained by the petty needs of so-called "other users"! You are } DOOMED! Only death can save you from my wrath! Now hear the Curse of } the All-Knowing Oracle, wretched human, and tremble! } You shall watch "Flying Nun" reruns until your eyes melt! } You shall listen to Barry Manilow until you pull off your own } head! You shall eat frozen lima beans and drink domestic light } beer! You shall never know where your towel is! } And most hideous of all, you shall program in FORTRAN for all } eternity! --- 372-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most pucilanimous Oracle, whose ostentation extends beyond the > heavens, Oh fount on antinomian sagacity, grant me this one request, > and my visage will darken your hovel no more, > > "Why doth the little busy bee?" > > RSVP. Dinner at 4. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good Person, it is obvious from your egregious use of the Olde English, } that you consider yourself a gentleman and a scholar, and so I will not } give you the usual blow off answer that I usually give when interrupted } from a rousing game of 'Hide the XWindow' with Lisa for such a measly } question as the one you ask. Instead, I shall provide you with a very } well thought out and deep answer. However, this is going to take } several days preparation, and several materials will need to be } provided by you in order for this answer to be forthcoming. For that } reason, I request that you perform the following actions in order to } make the proper preparations both for researching the answer, and to } provide yourself with the proper respect upon your receipt of same. } } First, we'll consider things you must do to adequately aid in the } preparation of the answer: } } 1) Find a four pronged diffle switch. This is a signifigantly } difficult thing to do, and I wish you luck. If you want } some advice, I suggest not bothering with your local hardware } store if you don't want to be locked up as a clinically insane } mass murderer. } } 2) Locate the West Pole. Use any definition of the west pole } which you deem appropriate, as long as it doesn't distinctly } contradict the definitions of either the north or the south } pole. } } 3) By the light of the full moon, you must find four Holstein } cows, with green eyes, and bring them to your local computer } cluster, from there count the number of people who think it } odd that you are logged into a mainframe and have four } Holsteins with green eyes with you. Divide this number, by } the number of people who are there, but aren't quite sure that } you exist. Finally, take this number and multiply by 42 and } add 5. } } 4) Return the cows and count the number of angels dancing on the } head of the pin that is sticking out of your shirt collar. } } 5) Take all of this information and place it in a Converse Shoe } box with the words 'Things to Do Today' written in green magic } marker on the back. Bury the shoebox in a graveyard by the } light of the new moon, and wait. } } To Prepare yourself for receiving the answer, and hence, enlightenment: } } 1) Consider the Lilies of the field, they toil not, neither do } they spin. Ponder this. } } 2) Spend a month focusing on your belly button. While doing this } chant the phrase "I shall not disturb the Oracle when he is } with Lisa" over and over again. } } 3) Die. } } 4) Resurrect yourself. Start a religion based on your heavenly } hostness. } } 5) Ignore Steps 3 and 4. } } 6) Rise with the sun, set with the moon, and never ever deal with } a dragon. } } 7) Wait for the answer accompanying an advert in your local paper } that is of someone selling a Bridge in Brooklyn. } } You are most Welcome, } } Oracle. --- 372-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracular Wisdomehead, whose flatulence knows no bounds, whose > very thoughts do ripen past their prime in but a millisecond. > When is the stinkweed in bloom? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The stinkweed, when grown under the proper conditions, is, in fact, a } perennial. However, as most societies do not have either the humidity } or gross tonnage of raspberry jam required, it typically reverts to a } biannual cycle, blooming on or about the equinoxes. } } You owe the Oracle a dozen roses and a nice, candle-lit dinner, post } factum. --- 372-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty Oracle,answer me this: > > Why is chalk so chalky? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because everything must have its opposite. } } What do you mean 'huh'? In the good old days one of my short, cryptic } responses would have had people from near and far discussing the } implications for days. Now it's "Not good enough, Oracle," and "Do you } think you could explain that, Oracle." Man, these .3 microsecond work } days are really getting me down. } } OK, to explain. In the early days of the Universe, when then Gods were } still working out the details, it was decided that everything that } existed should have its opposite. This was supposed to make the } Universe beautiful and symmetric and stuff like that. There was plenty } of Dark around, so one of the first things to be made was Light. Every } particle was given an anti-particle (although Eris managed to make some } particles their own anti-particles, just to confuse future physics } undergrads). Every person was designed to have an Evil Twin, although } usually the Twin is separated from the original by at least a continent } and a few centuries, to avoid the embarrassment close proximity could } cause. Even television shows, which were millenia away from being } produced, were guaranteed to have their opposites. The opposite of } "Leave it to Beaver" is "Married, with Children" and the opposite of } "Quantum Leap" is "The Facts of Life," to name some examples. } } Finally, the major work had been completed and the Universe was ready } to be switched on. But just before the big moment, one of the junior } Gods noticed that there was no opposite for fish. Well, at that } advanced stage no one was really up for a new design, so they just } decided to create an object with all the characteristics fish don't } have. } } Where fish are alive, the new thing had to be inanimate. Where fish } are wet and slippery, the new thing had to be dry and powdery. Fish } come in a variety of rainbow colors, the new thing would have to be } monochromatic. Since fish can not be used to write on a blackboard, } this is what the purpose of the new thing would be. Hence, chalk and } its properties. } } You owe the Oracle a chalk drawing of a fish. --- 372-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Omne (Scott L. Baker)" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and anoleagenous Oracle, please tell me, _do_ vegetables play a > large role in my future, or won't the dreams come true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... Let me look this up... annoyance, anoint, antagonize... oops, } too far... anoleagenous! Yes, here it is, an ajective meaning: learned, } wise, farseeing, hungry, extremely well endowed, and possible } presidential material. I commend you on the conciseness of your } govelling and deign to answer your question. } } Yes, some vegetables WILL play a large role in your future, while } others are merely sprouts. At the risk of changing the future, let me } give you a few words of advice: } } -- Always dull the points on your carrots. } -- Never put more than 23 brussel sprouts in your mouth at once. } -- Beware uncooked broccoli and those who wash with it. } -- Never, Never, Never peel two large tomatoes, stuff them in a } seamless bra (C cup), put the bra on backwards, float face down in } a public pool and shout as you come up for air, "Oh Lord, give me } a sign!" } } Follow these simple rules and you will live a long and happy life. } } You owe the oracle the largest cucumber in your refrigerator (It's for } your own good...:).