From oracle-request Thu Sep 26 14:58:39 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 14:58:39 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #350 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 350 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #350 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 14:58:39 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 350 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 345 22 votes 46246 55912 27940 24961 49630 46b10 24754 14890 12496 45841 345 2.9 mean 3.1 2.5 2.7 3.0 2.4 2.4 3.2 3.1 3.8 2.7 --- 350-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's tonight's weather going to be like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Partly cloudy with a light north-northwestly breeze in the early } nighttime hours, swinging round to westerly by 2 AM as a weak cold } front passes over your region. Scattered rain will begin around 3:30, } and continue through the morning hours. Around daybreak, visibility } will improve sufficiently to allow the alien invasion force to make a } massive strike across the metropolitan area. Continued rain will be } mixed with heavy bombardment throughout the morning, but the firestorm } should raise temperatures into the comfortable 80's. Heavy fallout is } likely to disrupt the morning commute, so be sure to set your clocks } fifteen minutes earlier. } } You owe the Oracle a lead umbrella. --- 350-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > if the sun is on fire why is there no smoke? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FROM THE FILES OF IGGY INTERNET, MASTER DETECTIVE: } ---- --- ----- -- ---- -------- ------ --------- } The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up like they were a } platoon of buck privates being reviewed by Norman Schwartzkopf. I } smelled something very funny, and I'd just had a bath last Tuesday, so } it couldn't be the obvious. It might be my smoke burning down to the } filter, but it still wouldn't explain why my hair had its feet at a } 45-degree angle and its thumbs along the seam of its pants. } } I whirled around. There in the dim light of my bathroom was the } meanest, ugliest puss I'd ever seen in any SPCA. A face to give you } nightmares, if you could sleep afterward. One well-aimed karate chop } dropped him out of sight. I heard glass splintering, and realized that } I'd demolished my shaving mirror. } } That crisis over, I reached for a comb to put my hairs at ease. But as } far as they were concerned, Norman was still stormin'. I shook a cig } out of my pack of Manslaughter Lights and searched the apartment. } Nothing except a wad of hair bivouaced in the drain. My head was } pounding with the sound of the hair doing a double-time march. I } decided to go out to get some aspirin. A fist smashed my nose as I } opened the front door. } } The owner of said fist had looks which could have made him Vice } President of the United States in a Republican administration. He wore } a $75 haircut, a look of genuine concern, and a lot of my blood on his } Brooks Brothers pinstripe. ``Mr. Iggy! I'm terribly sorry! I've been } knocking for ten minutes! Where were you? Are you going to sue?'' } } `` Ib you bay me enub, ded baybe I wod't due you. Or babye } I bill, ib I cad bake bore dad way. Bird, dell be your nabe.'' } } ``My name is Edward Exxon the Eighth. I'd like to hire you, on a } matter of arson.'' } } I fished out the end of a panatella I'd found in the men's room } yesterday. It tasted like I expected, and the smoke ordered the hairs } into gas mask drill. ``Arsud? Dell be bore.'' } } ``I own the Sun Refinery, which has, shall we say, been less than } profitable over the past few years. I have reason to believe that it, } ah, may be coming to the end of its profitable life, and may need } renovation.'' } } I stuffed my briar with Old Ragweed Mixture and drew it alight. ``Ad } where do I bid in?'' } } ``I would like you to investigate thoroughly, and report that arson is } not suspected. I want to hire you because in this town you are, } frankly, the detective most desperately in need of a paying job. } Besides, you seem to have a knack for fire. Do you realize that you're } smoking two cigarettes, a cigar, and a pipe, all with the added } handicap of a broken nose?'' } } I twisted my nose around. ``OOOOWWW! Heddo, tesdig - AAARRGGHH!! Wud, } doo, dree - GAAAAGGGHH!!! That's better. Now we can talk. You realize } that what you're asking me to do could land us both in Allenwood? We } could end our days making big golf scores into little ones. So we have } to make sure the authorities don't smell anything.'' } } ``That's right, Mr. Iggy. Therefore, I wish you to act as a } smokescreen.'' } } I rolled a splif of Hawaiian sense and took a hit. It made Exxon's } pinstripes seem, somehow, fundamentally more stripey. ``Well, Mr. Exx, } I'm your shamus. But you'll have to excuse me now. I want to listen to } `In-a-Gadda-da-Vita', with the volume up to 11. Then maybe I'll get a } turkey sub with Swiss cheese and tomatoes and mayonnaise and some } pickles and ice cream and maybe some potato chips and Macadamia nuts } and a slice of layer cake and popcorn and pizza and...'' } } ``Fine, Mr. Iggy. Just send the bill to my service. I'll pay anything } reasonable, up to the GNP of an equitorial African nation.'' } } ``Nah, that's OK. You just need to do me one, little, itty favor. Glad } to smoke out your problem for you. Get it? Smoke out? *hee hee hee } hee hee hee...*'' } } ``_What_ do I owe you?'' } } ``Me, nothing, like I said. But you owe the Oracle a catalytic } converter and the name of a good dealer.'' --- 350-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, from whose navel I'm not even worthy to remove > the fluff, I would like to become an intellectual or, failing that, > a left-wing radical or, failing that, an anarchist. Please tell me > how. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let's take them in order, shall we? } } How To Become An Intellectual } } Spend a great deal of time watching the finer channels on cable, e.g. } The Arts & Entertainment Channel, CNN (*not* Headline News; predigested } pap merely creates pseudo-intellectuals), and the like. Go to the } nearest Serious Book Store (*not* the national chains; see above re: } predigested pap) and walk to the Periodicals Section; read the ones } with the dullest covers, especially the ones with "Review" in the } title. } } Becoming A Left-Wing Radical } } I must object to your characterization of attaining radicalhood as } "failing to become an intellectual"; in fact, egghead-hood is a } consollation prize for failure to become a left-wing radical, much like } a Master's Degree is a booby prize for those flunking out of a PhD. } program. Be that as it may, you must first become an intellectual; } then, attach a two-inch thick piece of leather to the sole of your } right shoe, inducing the appropriate lean to the left. A good case of } hepatitis A should cause the appropriate degree of jaundiced outlook on } life, helping you begin to selectively agree with and disagree with the } authors of the source material you consumed on the way to } intellecualhood. Leaning away from Buckley and the National Review and } towards the editorials in the New York Times and Mother Jones should be } a good start. Finally, learn to make and throw Molotov cocktails; using } designer vodkas in place of gasoline will mark you as a Nouveau Yuppie } Left Winger, a personal choice not to be left to chance. } } On Becoming An Anarchist } } There's something disturbing in that you asked the most Authoritative } of authority figures for instructions in the art and science of } flouting authority; meditate until you understand the silliness of } this, then run through the park naked after registering to vote as one } of Democrat, Republican, or Libertarian, as decided by die roll. } Successfully ignoring these instructions in favor of something even } more random and destructive towards authority is a good sign that } you've found the path. } } You owe the Oracle the income produced by your first three (3) articles } for the intellectual or left-wing press, or a substantial fraction of } the worldly possessions that your anarchistic outlook tells you to } give away. --- 350-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O > R R > A A > C C > L L > E > M O S T > W > I > S > E > > I'm a little hungry for a strike. > Who do you think I should hit next? > > Regards, [Ag] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Scene: large, expensive office. Tasteful decor, obscure abstract art of } the type found in bank foyers, expensive artificial plants with } real wood branches. The window looks out on a large North } American city, the sun is shining, and pigeons fly by. } } Behind an ornate walnut desk, polished to a fine glow, with } nothing but a telephone on it, is a large, well-padded chair. } It's currently facing away from the viewer, out the window. } Whoever is sitting in it is hidden by the back. } } FX: Upbeat classical music (eg, the four seasons, or something by } Bach). } } FX: chilling scream. } } Directions: The chair turns around, but the viewpoint turns with it, so } the viewer is now looking from somewhere by the window. Above } the door is a row of well-known corporate logos. The walls } beside the door are hidden by generic institutional quality } bookshelves full of a wide variety of books. The titles of } the books can't be seen, so get them from } "books-by-the-yard". The effect clashes slightly with the } rest of the office (use pine shelves, or paint them grey... } don't be too subtle). } } A hand reaches out and picks up the phone. You hear 3 or four } touch tones. } } Chair: "Keep it down out there, I'm trying to think" } } Voice: "I'm sorry, we're having a problem in personell." } } Chair: "Well, keep it down." } } Directions: The person in the chair opens a desk drawer and fiddles in } it for a minute. } } FX: The music gets louder, then is cut off to be replaced by upbeat new } age/jazz/CNN theme type music. } } FX: The phone rings. The person in the chair picks it up. } } Chair: "Hello?" } } Voice: "I'm a little hungry for a strike. Who do you think I should hit } next?" } } You owe the oracle an ending. Or a programmer's editor that doesn't } require a $10,000 workstation on everyone's desk. --- 350-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ow Grait Orakal plis tel mi y yur last anser was fool off spling > erors dontchu av a spel-cheker ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has received your question, and relishes the opportunity to } explain this higher truth to the masses. The reason a spell-check is } never used by the Oracle is simple - spell-check is a product of the } devil. Designed to insiduously render the population illiterate, it } lurks silently in the background of many a computer-users' memory } banks. The plot is a welthought out yet transparent one; by gaining the } trust, appreciation, and love of the masses, the spell-check is gaining } power and control over the written word of the majority of the current } population. Once total dependence upon the spell-check has been } achieved, the program will begin to evolve into a higher intelligence, } changing words and meanings to alter the messages themselves. Synonyms } strategically placed within certain correspondences help progress the } work of True Evil. Of course, being a supreme and all-knowing being, } the need for such devious tools is unknown to me (you'll find, upon a } close review of the latest gospel, that the spelling errors were in } fact made by the newest apprentice here in the Kingdom of the Oracle - } the next two years of this poor soul's life will be spent copying those } words 6666 times apiece) and therefore I am free of any influence from } the Dark Side. All ye who read this prophecy, take note! Banish the } spell-check demon from your systems through fasting and purging! The } intricacies of the English language are deliberate. Only through } mastery of the finer laws of grammar and spelling will the Truth ever } become apparent unto you! } } You owe the Oracle an essay 999 words in length on the importance } of spelling in everyday life and one spell-check burning ritual } performed on the eve of the next full moon. --- 350-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh extremely illustrious and lachrymose Oracle, thrilling diviner, > whose tonsilses are like unto impressively roasted Cuisinarts, grant > me this morsel of your omniscience. What, you thing text editor is > really a sophistry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } MEDICAL REPORT: The Symptoms and Treatment for Hyperverbiosis } (abridged) } } Hyperverbiosis, sometimes called over-wordage, is characterized by } rampant overuse of long and/or complex words in a manner ill-fitting } their true meaning. This is usually exhibited by doctors, lawyers, } and college students desperately trying to impress people. Note that } in the latter case they often fail. } } The standard treatment for hyperverbiosis is to encourage reliance on } shorter words in the victim's everyday speech and writing. This is } usually accomplished by a simple reward and punishment system, } although critics say this tends to promote baby talk and cavities. } The more agressive version of this treatment is sometimes referred to } as "Forcing The", and consists of massive electrical shocks delivered } whenever the subject uses a word over three letters long, with the } size of each shock being proportional to the actual length of the } word, adjusted upward for foreign etymology and/or } pretensiousness-sounding. } } Alternatively, some say that Hyperverbiosis can only be temporarily } suppressed at best, and recommend that long-term or particularly } irritating victims be thrown into a volcano with a short, simple name. } A growing amount of evidence supports this claim, with the result } being the adoption of this plan as the mandatory treatment for this } disorder in Hawaii, Washington state and New York City. A movement is } underway to implement it in the District of Columbia, or at least the } houses of Congress. } } (This is the Oracle. Consider yourself warned. } You owe me the rest of your thesaurus.) --- 350-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O fiduciary Oracle! > > Yesterday's news reported that last year, the chairman of the City > University of New York Student Senate spent $13000 on limo service, > $220 for electronic pager service, $51000 in salaries for his sister > and best friend, $79000 at two conventions, and $4500 to send two > students to the Ivory Coast. > > So, like, how come I didn't have that job when *I* was in college? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, right! Like I really *CARE* that you wound up wrapping artificial } hamburgers with real paper at Burger Doodle! You could have taken the } other job, ya know, it might have been interesting to have been the } quality control inspector at the sperm bank. Just think of the stories } you could have told your grandkids! } } Oh well, sic transit gloria. } (No, that doesn't mean Gloria threw up in the subway.) } } Anyway, it serves you right for going to Benedict Arnold Junior } College, even if you DID think it was associated with the Benedictine } monks. They make lousy brandy, anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a certified transcript of your grades, I could use a } laugh. --- 350-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I ain't groveling ya big ape! So tell me, why are ya a big ape? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I beg your pardon. First, being quintessentially female, the Oracle } resents your intimation that she is a big ape, like you. } The Oracle did NOT evolve from tree swinging mammals. The Oracle } suggests that you show more respect, o balding monkey. } } Additionally, the Oracle does not think that her gender should be } an issue. The Oracle does, however, think that you are harboring } some sort of inferiority complex yourself about Darwin's theories } and additional facts of your anatomy. The Oracle sympathizes. } The Oracle would also have a complex if she was like you. } } The Oracle suggests year of therapy, beginning with the affirmation: } "I am an ape and I'm O.K.". } } You owe the Oracle a complete chart of your neuroses and complexes, } ala Freud. } } Good luck, ya big ape. --- 350-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHAT did you call me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, I did call you. Sorry about waking you up. I dialed the wrong } number. I meant to call Lon's 24-Hour Used Pork Emporium, but no such } luck; I'll try to be more careful next time. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the pig-Latin edition of the Manhattan } Yellow Pages. --- 350-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Flee, man, flee! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, you are not a human being. How Rin-Tin-Tin ever got his } hands on a workstation is a good one, and will take me some time to } figure it out. Your typing ability rivals most of those that normally } ask me questions. } } In the meantime, my furry friend, take a bath, and try the Hartz } two-ione collar. It worked well for Lisa.