From oracle-request Sat Sep 7 10:32:45 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 7 Sep 91 10:32:45 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #344 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 344 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #344 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 7 Sep 91 10:32:45 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 344 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 339 16 votes 22534 57220 22444 06541 15343 00466 11833 43540 24550 45250 339 3.0 mean 3.3 2.1 3.4 3.0 3.2 4.1 3.4 2.6 2.8 2.5 --- 344-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle, whose POetuina bushes have less aphids per > square centimetre of leaf than anybody's, the fleas on whose dog I am > not worthy to engage in intellectual intercourse, whose dress sense > devastates whole galaxies, whose wisdom is greater than the pile you > could make out of all the Oreo cookies ever made, the E. Coli in whose > stomach know more than All The King's Horses And All The Kings Men... > The collected wisdom of the Library of Congress, the Library > of Alexandria and the Munatoroto Primary School Library have > nothing on what your big toenails know... > > Oh Oracle, please tell me... > > Please let me know... > > What was my question again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh great and lowly anchor of the moon, oh smarting one of the } question, you are naked before my nothingness, and I besake you to } finger the nodes of netherness before asking your questions. You have } ruptured clues of the normal distribution, and the mitochondrian was } taking a bath when it wandered into the human shenome. Take care, and } wonder more. --- 344-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, inscrutible and mysterious Oracle, why don't you answer in riddles > any more, like you used to do with those old dead Greek dudes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As art imitates life, so too does the Oracle imitate Jerry Seinfeld. } Put another way, the answer to your question can be found only through } thoughtful consideration of the following related questions: } } In your own case, what is the sound of one gum flapping? } } How would it sound to admit that you slipped and fell on } bear sh*t in the woods? } } If you were to go back in time and try to kill your own grandfather, } what happens if instead he beats the hell out of you? } } Is sitting around asking stupid questions a part of man's true } nature, or are you an exception to the rule? } } And, possibly more to the point: } } If our universe is but an atom in another world, does that explain } why the women in the "full figure" bra section of the Sears catalog } look exactly the same as the "regulars" ???? } } So you see that the true essence of a full life is not to be found in } knowing the right answers, but in knowing the right questions. Just } like your parents always told you. So there. } } You owe the Oracle a plug nickel, dude. --- 344-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many teeth does a dragon have? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Damn. I was dreading the day when somebody would ask me this one . . . } oh, well. Hmmmpphhh - } } Yes, dreary mortal - How may I . . . ah, yes. The old dragon business. } Well, dear, to be perfectly honest, the Oracle is not too fond of this } one. Counting the teeth on a dragon generally involves getting a little } too close to the business end of one of those hyperhalitotic beasties. } Had I not designed them that way on a dare offered at one of Lisa's } more higvoltage parties in the first place, they would have come out } about ten inches high and covered in soft downy fur - with NO teeth. } At all. But then Zeus was hammered and I my Oracular self was also } three sheets to the wind as they say, so I was ready to take him up on } anything. He had been boasting, you see, about the job he did on the } Kraken. A mile high, horns and scales all over the place, and teeth } and claws like scimitars. Quite a job. Anyway, so he says to me, he } says, "Hey, Oracle! Aren't you the loser who came up with those fuzzy } little footballs you called - what was it - kittens?" And so then I go, } "Yeah, so what's it to you?" And so then HE goes like, "Well, I'll } just BET you can't come up with anything near my Kraken, pal. You } couldn't design a good fright if your life depended on it." } } Well, after hearing that, I couldn't very well just LIE BACK AND TAKE } IT, you know? So I scaled up the dragon a bit, added in some } flamethrowing reminiscent of Zeus's breath after he let fly at that } party . . . I guess I shouldn't talk about that, though. } } Anyhow, I forgot how many teeth I put in and I'm tired and can't find } my asbestos suit so I don't feel like looking. I do have a tip for } you, though. Since I designed them to take after the Krakens, just find } one of them and count the teeth! I'm sure it's the same for the } dragons. } } Glad to be of help. } } You owe the Oracle a new asbestos suit - wash and wear, preferably. --- 344-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ----v---- > / | \ > --| --- > /___|=========/_____\ > --------- > / \ > / \ > / \ > | | > | | > | | > | | > \ / > \ / > ____| |____ > > Ohm on the Range And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Translation, "Top this, Oracle." Very well... } _____ _____ } / \ } / \ } / \ } | | } | | } | | } | | } \ / } \ / } --------- |\ } ___________ | } \_______ \ _| } \ \ | | } \@ \ - } \@ \ ________ } \ @\ \ / } \ \ | | } \@ \ | | } \ @\_| | } \ | } \ | } \_ | } \______/ } "Mho' Better Blues" } } You owe the Oracle a better-looking sax. --- 344-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I hate OS/2. But I have to develop software for OS/2 > what should I do ? Why is OS/2 so annoying, so not-user-friendly ? > Why did it took me 5 hours to install 'Communication Manager' today ? > Is there a worse operating system in the world ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm. A non-grovelling supplicant. } } ::sigh:: These humans are becoming so bold, it may be time to send } down another punishment to humble them. } } Lesse I sent down CP/M a while ago... MSDOS 4.01 gave them a nice } rash... [O]racle to [S]pplicant/[2] was a doozie! heh heh } } Maybe I'll send them down a new version of OS/2 and see if that'll ruin } all the 'fixes' that they've come up with for the original. Or maybe } another flavor of UNIX... Hmmm, I'll have to ponder this one a bit } more. } } Until then: } You owe the Oracle a Mac w/System 7 and a cup of heavenly coffee. --- 344-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise carelo, sorry, arcelo, whoops, that's olearc, wait a minute, > something is still wrong, oh most wondrous larceo, hold on, it's coming > to me, Oh unbelievably awesome Oracle, help me in my greatest hour of > need. I'm fleeing the Imperial forces, and Darth Vader's about to get > me. No, wait a minute, that's a movie plot. O Carle, most wise, why > is that I can't seem to spell your name? I must be under attack by > something, so let's call it the Empire, no, I actually think that maybe > I like the idea of Dan Quayle better. Or is it the NRA? If you can > just hold on a sec, I'm sure I'll think of what I was going to ask > you...Let me see... Ahh! Here's the question: Most wonderful Lorcea, > wise and beautiful sorceress of the Internet (hhmm.. somehow this > doesn't seem right either...*hack, hack, spit* that seems to have > cleared out my sinusi)Let's try again.. > Hey you great booby, what would happen if I quit college and ran for > president in 1992? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You would be on the verge of winning... until one day, it is } discovered that your most important campaign poster has "president" } misspelled. This leads to a smear campaign by the opposition, in which } they reveal your true grammar school grades. You lose and live in } ignominy for the rest of your days. } } You owe the Oracle 2 campaign promises. Hmm... on second } thought, never mind. --- 344-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, accept thee my jottings; and turn away not my tittles. Answer unto > me the question which burns in my heart like kitten caught in a very > unfortunate accident involving a Bernz-o-Matic soldering torch and > several pints of gasoline. My question is: > > You know that guy on the AT&T commercial who forgets the phone number > to Phoenix, and accidently dials Fiji? What is the number he forgot? > And what is that Fiji guy saying when he answers the phone? It sounds > like this.. > > POO KNOW GUH NAKA PEET ZIA? But the guy says it real fast, so it's more > like.. > > POONOGUNAKAPEEZIA? What is this phrase? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Who the hell do you think I am? Ma-Bell? Like I would care about some } guy who wants to call Phoenix! That should be obvious. If I did care } I would have made him remember the number... Duh... } } The guy in Fiji actually has a horrible speech impediment and really } said: } } "You gonna want a pizza?" } } You owe the oracle 30 minutes of MCI long-distance... --- 344-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who ate my jelly sandwitch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A warlock of your caliber should know to grovel before your } question! Since you are of such stature, however, I will only remove a } leg rather than killing you outright. } } ****ZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP*********** } } Now I hope you've learned your lesson. } Now for your question. Despite your pioneering work on golems } (being the inventor of the rope golem, the plastic golem, and the } mashed-potates golem), your attempt to give these golems magical powers } of their own (i.e., witches) is misguided. And I must certainly warn } you that jelly and sand is NOT appropriate material out of which to make } a golem. These attempts are doomed to failure. Even though you're } adding sand to make it less appetizing, there is always some creature } sufficiently hungry to eat it. In this case it was Pooh Bear. Sure, } when he was young he was a star, but now he can't even afford his } expensive honey habit, and looks for anything he can find to eat, } including jelly-sand-witches. } } You owe the Oracle a peanut butter dragon. --- 344-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, I humbly ask for an answer to the question that > plagues me: > > How many angels can dance on the tips of Madonna's nipples? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Doesn't matter--the Ecumanical Council has forbidden angels from } going anywhere NEAR Madonna's nipples, for obvious reasons. } However, a few million bacteria have made them their home. } } You owe the Oracle the Madonna issue of Penthouse. --- 344-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Thank you so much for taking my petition. > > I am very puzzled and hope that you can help me figure this out: > yesterday was my love's birthday. I told her the day before that I > would send her a long-stemmed rose for each year in her life. She was > very pleased with the idea, then. But today she won't speak to me. Why > is that? > Sincerely, > > Peter Piper Bollingsgame And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Peter, } } Why, certainly. That's what I am here for. } } Well, you remember Mr. Brock, the Florist, took a real liking to } you because you reminded him of his son who was killed in Vietnam while } about your age. As a result, he decided to add a dozen more roses for } free to your order. } } I would suggest that the next time you order anything from Mr. } Brock, that you tell him *why* you ordered exactly 19 roses, such an } odd number, too. } } You owe the Oracle exactly as many roses as She has Kilobytes. } (And She wouldn't be offended if Mr. Brock threw in an extra dozen for } free.) } Sincerely, } } The Usenet Oracle