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Subject: Usenet Oracularities #343
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X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1
	nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQ<tojW#
	]quLb@%@3Q4x$T4SxS;ze<\0dr:/_y`dM.xMmR^I5/>e?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~
	|)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(<G'0X+G|1PO'r-@Ku%)CHLT(BYjS0
	,pM$aEB}z2PL!ixK{xr\9{}:V?&YZ>+
X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces".  From the iuvax archive today.

=== 343 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #343
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 91 09:15:21 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
    343
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

338  15 votes  03561 24531 14415 00339 22434 25242 23712 05523 32541 31623
338  3.2 mean   3.3   2.8   3.3   4.4   3.3   2.9   2.9   3.2   2.9   3.1

--- 343-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O most fragrant Oracle, please answer my small enquiry.
>
> Is there theory that covers the reason why politicians are all
> slime-balls and idiots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first poloticophysicist to come up with a proof for the Helms
} theorem died in a bizarre accident:  he apparently fell feet-first
} into a block of concrete and then, while trying to return home, got
} lost and fell off of a fishing pier where he drowned.  That same
} evening, in an amazing coincidence, his house and office burned
} to the ground and most of the materials pertaining to this proof
} were tragically destroyed.  We have attempted to reconstruct this
} proof, and present here the results of painstaking research (not
} to mention the great expense of police protection):
}
} The Helms Theorem:  All politicians are slime-balls and idiots
}
} This requires a divergent proof.  Initially, we shall prove that all
} politicians are idiots by informal definition:
}
} 1) All politicians are either Democrats, Republicans, Independents, or
}    members of a fringe party.
}
} 2) Dan Quayle, the Vice-President of the United States, is a certified
}    idiot. He is also a Republican.
}
} 3) Therefore, all Republicans are idiots according to the Party
}    Leadership Postulate: Any politician who takes orders from an idiot
}    can likewise be judged an idiot.
}
} 4) All Democrats are idiots.  Any politician who stands behind Fritz
}    Mondale in a presidential election should be taken outside and shot.
}
} 5) All "other" politicians are REAL idiots: What is the point of
}    running for office under some obscure party banner when you have no
}    chance in hell of being elected?
}
} The second part of the proof can be handled one of two ways: First of
} all,
}
} BANG BANG BANG!
}
} Excuse me for a moment....
} #@$^#^#%&$%&$&$%&$&%$%&$%&$^$#%^$^%$$%^^
}
} We interrupt this message for a word from your friend and mine, the
} United States Government.
}
} YOU ARE A HAPPY PERSON
} WE ARE DOING GOOD THINGS FOR YOU.
} WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE GOOD THINGS FOR YOU
} ...
} (ETC.)

--- 343-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ching! ching! whoosh! leap!>
}
} An honor to duel you, Inigo Montoya.  I'm the Usenet Oracle.  You
} didn't ask a question and you didn't grovel.  Prepare to die.
}
} <clang!  twirl!  parry 3, parry 4, parry 5>
}
} What?   I told you, I'm the Usenet Oracle.  I've heard of this
} Prince Humperdinck but I don't know why you'd confuse me with him.
}
} <clank!  slice!  bleed... >
}
} Ooops, sorry about that.  I do have to defend myself when you
} come at me with a sword, after all.  Now what's this about your
} father?
}
} <dodge!  turn!  parry!  spin!  dodge!  ha!  thrust!  ptoiiing>
}
} I honestly don't know what you think this has to do with me.
} Even if I did kill him, I'm sure I had a very good reason.
}
} <whack!  pft pft pft pft>
}
} I cut your arm off.  What are you gonna do?  Bleed on me?
}
} <dismember slap slap slap punt!>
}
} Bite my knees off, indeed.  I see no point in continuing this
} duel.
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Princess Buttercup.

--- 343-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh cancel-proof Oracle, whose Nielsen ratings are off the scale, will
> HDTV ever catch on in America?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not until they stop saturating the market with Low IQTV.

--- 343-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What are the top ten opinions about me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well.  You really want to know this??
} The Oracle consulted ten diety pals and received the following opinions
} of you. They are presented in no particular order, the gods wouldn't
} like it if I showed favoritism.
}
} 1.  I've known smarter jellyfish.
}                               - Neptune, god of the seas
}
} 2.  Should be fried until crispy and black.
}                               - Ra, god of the sun
}
} 3.  Lazy, good-for-nothing, slob.
}                               - Vulcan, god of metallurgy and anvils
}
} 4.  I'd NEVER get naked for him!
}                               - Venus, goddess of love, close personal
}                                 friend of Frankie Avalon
}
} 5.  Big-time loser geek.
}                               - Athena, goddess, babe
}
} 6.  He thinks he looks good but is sadly mistaken.
}                               - Narcissus, god of vanity, image
}                                 consultant
}
} 7.  More disgusting than scrapie and anthrax put together.
}                               - Pan, god of mirth, close personal
}                                 friend of sheep
}
} 8.  Toothless weenie.
}                               - Mars, god of war, supreme macho dude
}
} 9.  Great guy!!!!!!!!!! Send him down to my place.
}                               - Satan, prince of darkness
}
} 10. Should be eradicated from the face of the earth. Turn up the
}     voltage!                  - Zeus, god of the heavens,
}                                 all-time gold medalist of thunderbolt
}                                 javelin
}
} You owe the Oracle....never mind, you won't be around to read it anyway

--- 343-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, what is the reason you allow paltry beings such as us
> to waste your time with insignificant questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, there are several answers I could give you, my child...
}
}       1) It is my sacred duty to share my knowledge with the
}          unenlightened.
}       2) This job was bestowed upon me by the big G
}          himself, and I don't wanna disappoint him.
}       3) I figured, what the fuck.
}       4) I lost a HUGE bet.
}       5) Kinzler had to justify his tuition to his parents so he could
}          continue partying with their money.
}       6) All these math problems get really boring sometimes.
}       7) I'm trying to find the absolute limit of human gullibility.
}       8) I really enjoy jerking you idiots' chains.
}
} Now, given these possibilities (8), it is entirely up to you (8) to
} decide which one (8) is the actual truth (8).  Have fun.
}
} You owe the Oracle some more silly questions.

--- 343-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> 3) You have to go to a meeting in four minutes.  You have six
> one-minute timers. How can you be on time, but not early?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Set three of the one-minute timers (A, B, C) for a full minute, two
} (D, E) for 15 seconds, and the last (F) for 5 seconds.
}
} 2) Start A and F.
}
} 3) When F rings, start B and E, and re-set F for 47.5 seconds.
}
} 4) When A rings, stop F, start C and D, and smash B with a large
} ball-peen hammer.
}
} 5) When C rings, re-start A for a full minute, then gather the
} remaining five timers and run them through a paper shredder.
}
} 6) Go get a cup of coffee and a danish, and chat up the cute new
} secretary.
}
} 7) After all, it's my meeting: It starts when I get there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a shorter agenda.

--- 343-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> 10) You are driving down a one-way, one-lane highway, going about 115
> miles per hour.  You are on an uphill slope.  It is twilight, just
> before dawn, and the sky is streaked in the lower latitudes with deep
> purples and magentas.  The sides of the road slope sharply down from the
> pavement.  You are listening to Chuck Mangione on your new Blaupunkt
> stereo.  You speed your car up to 130 mph.  The road no longer has
> shoulders; to either side there is underbrush and rocks, on a hill that
> dives sharply down into the valley far below.  The single lane narrows.
> You speed the car up to 145 miles pe hour.  The razor blade of a road
> you are on levels off, and then begins to angle downwards.  The car
> begins to gain momentum.  To either side, you can barely make out the
> ground dropping almost vertically away, just a few inches on either side
> of your spinning wheels.  The downhill slope becomes more drastic, as
> you light a cigarette and open your window a bit more.
>     As the engine dies, you notice the radio and other accesories kick
> off and do not come back on again.  The steering wheel comes off in your
> hand.  You sit back and puff on your cigarette, wondering what life is
> all about.  Question:  Do you even TRY to see if the Hazard lights work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With an internal chuckle, you reach out with your mind to control the
} car directly at the wheels.  On second thought, you vaporize the car
} altogether, and take a sharp turn upward away from this dreary highway.
} You discard the cigarette, which you have no idea why you'd acquired in
} the first place.  You atomize Chuck Mangione and summon a chorus of
} angels to play some REAL music.  The Dead might be nice just now.
}
} For the love of Mike, you are talking to a demi-god.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lucid explanation why you would WANT to listen to
} Chuck Mangione.

--- 343-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle of most elegaic splendor, whose utterances dance
> upon the waves of light that encircle the world, whose
> disciples hang devotedly on your slightest pronouncement,
> who causes the net to remain in balance,
>
> "This sentence does not in fact have the property that
> it claims it lacks." But what IS that property?
>
>       Yours perplexedly,
>                       A. Net User

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The property that the sentence lacks is the lack of a property.
} The sentence claims that it does not have a property; it claims,
} in effect, that it lacks that property. So its property is this
} claim. But by its claim, it lacks the claim of the property of
} a lack of a property.
}
} Interestingly, if you keep going, you can prove that true is
} false and that you don't exist. You see, by lacking the claim of
} a property that a claim lacks property, the sentence claims its
} lack of property is a property which claims a lack of a claim
} of property. But a claim of a property is a lack of a lack of a
} property, although a property which lacks a claim to property is
} another property to claim. Therefore, a lack of a property is
} not a property of a claim, but the claim -- <poof!>
}
} SYBILL System V.MCMXCIII (delphi.olympus.com)
}
} login:

--- 343-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most prolific Oracle,
> Compare and contrast the collapse of Communism with _The Rocky Horror
> Picture Show_.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has considered your question, having  reflected on the works
} of Lenin and the Marx brothers.  The deliniations are obvious, but the
} Oracle can only pity your ignorance:
}
} Rocky Horror: Uses technology nobody understands.
} Communism:    Uses technology nobody will touch.
}
} Rocky Horror: Toast.
} Communism:    Lack thereof.
}
} Rocky Horror: Lives in an archaic, decrepit buliding.
} Communism:    Lives in an archaic, decrepit country.
}
} Rocky Horror: Space transportation the only means of escape.
} Communism:    Space transportation the only means of escape.
}
} Rocky Horror: Main antagonist a transvestite.
} Communism:    Main antagonist a transvestite.
}
} Rocky Horror: Uses chainsaw on Meatloaf.
} Communism:    In Siberia, uses meatloaf as chainsaw.
}
} Rocky Horror: People wait in line to throw toilet paper.
} Communism:    People wait in line to get toilet paper.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Big Mac, a furry hat, and a videotape of the
} Russian Parliament doing the Time Warp again.

--- 343-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> 7) The window next to you opens and shuts once every seventeen years.
> You would like to leave the room through its only entrance, after being
> put inside three days before the moment of freedom.  You only have with
> you a stick of length two meters (exactly), and an inchworm.  How do
> you explain the metric system in time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Master?
}
} Yes, Grasshopper.
}
}      I've been looking over this question you assigned me, and I'm
}      confused. This business about "the window." Is it a metaphor?
}
} Well done, Grasshopper. What do windows stand for?
}
}      Graphical operating systems?
}
} You remember well what you have been taught. What else do you see?
}
}      The window opens and shuts every seventeen years. The system is
}      upgraded every seventeen years, right?
}
} You must learn to be more confident, Grasshopper. Who would do such a
} thing?
}
}      Sun?
}
} No. Think before speaking.
}
}      DEC?
}
} You overlook the obvious.
}
}      IBM?
}
} Certainly, Grasshopper. What other clues are there in the question?
}
}      The person wishes to stop using the system after only three days
}      of use. That sounds like IBM to me.
}
} Most definitely, Grasshopper. What else do you see?
}
}      The stick is two meters long. This is the length of the shelf to
}      hold the manuals and the inchworm is a naive user. The person
}      must explain an IBM system to a new user in the three days before
}      he leaves for a new position.
}
} Excellent, Grasshopper. You have learned your lessons well.
}
} You owe the Oracle a walk across 20 meters of rice paper without
} leaving a trace.