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Subject: Usenet Oracularities #331
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X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces".  From the iuvax archive today.

=== 331 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #331
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 30 Jul 91 12:45:44 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
    200
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

--- 331-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Great Oracle, who is bigger then Ben Hur, George Pappard, and Pee-Wee
> Herman all rolled into one, please tell this most humble supplicant the
> following:
>
> Why is it that there seem to be two Oracles: one that answers good
> questions that get published on the net, and another one that just
> answers questions about sex and peanutbutter from whom we never hear
> word one from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are mistaken: The Oracle is One and Unified and Indivisible and
} other stuff like that there.  Though there are many incarnations of the
} Oracle, there is only One Oracle, and it never ends a sentence with a
} preposition. The Oracle gets surprisingly few questions about sex and
} peanut butter; this is particularly mysterious given the importance of
} sex and peanut butter, in various combinations, in the universal cosmic
} divine gestalt thing.  Sex and peanut butter are things about which you
} can never know enough about.
}
} You owe the Oracle two jars of Peter Pan Chunky, and a card inscribed
} "To Lisa.  Keep 'em warm for me."

--- 331-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Would you like me to, like, you know, lick it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hell, no! Every stamp you lick is another farthing in King George's
} pocket! Keep your tongue to yourself - that'll show those redcoat
} bastards. Stamp Act indeed! No taxation without representation!
} Don't tread on me! Give me liberty, or give me death!!
}
} Sorry, I got carried away . . . but I get all fired up when I hear
} a stupid Tory question like that, especially from a Valley Forge Girl.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fife, a drum, and a harbor-full of tea.

--- 331-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who never suffers from floccipaucinihilipilification, tell
> this poor antidisestablishmentarian the answer to his humble petition:
>
> What are the ad-libs for the bit outside the church in the Rocky Horror
> Picture Show between "Crucify Those Lips!" and the beginning of "Dammit
> Janet"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, it has been many years since the Oracle has seen the Rocky Horror
} Picture Show.  I was visiting Olympus at the time...
}
} [Visual distortion effect with heavy fog.]
}
} Erato, Muse of Pornography: Hey Oracle, baby!  Do you want to go see
} the latest inspiration that I am going to send down to Earth?
}
} Oracle:  Sure!  I always love your work.
}
} Erato: OK, it's a movie.  Let's go.
}
} [The happy couple goes to the Olympic Googleplex Theatre.  The Oracle
} sits and watches the movie in grim silence.  They leave the theatre.]
}
} Oracle:  Uh, Erato.  That movie was certainly... different.
}
} Erato:  Did you like it?  It took me a long time to create it!
}
} Oracle:  I can't honestly say that I thought it was your best work...
} I found it slightly lacking in a few minor details.  Don't get me
} wrong on this!  I have just a few minor criticisms.  Of course, I am
} not the expert that you are, so you can ignore my comments if you want
} to...
}
} Erato (impatiently):  Yes.  What are you trying to say?
}
} Oracle:  The plot was incoherent.  The dialog was wooden.  The acting
} was amateurish.  The special effects were ridiculous.  The costumes
} were garish.  In general, the production values for abysmal.  The
} ending was trite and artificial.  The humor was crude at best.
} Frankly, I found the whole experience somewhat tedious.
}
} Erato:  Wall, that shows what you know!  This "tedious" movie will
} become an enormous cult success.  People will dress in the costumes,
} memorize alternate dialog, and see this movie hundreds of times.
} Decades hence, it will become the focus of a new religion.  There will
} be millions of Rocky Horror followers.  Within 10 years, all other
} religions will be wiped from the Earth.  Soon after, war, poverty, and
} pollution will be abolished.  The human race will leave in peace and
} harmony for thousands of years.  Finally, they will coalesce into a
} single psychic whole and join the greater mind of the universe.  All
} of this, despite "abysmal production values."
}
} Oracle:  I see.  I have my doubts, but let's leave it at that.
}
} [Visual distortion effect with heavy fog.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy from the first printing of the Rocky
} Horror Bible.

--- 331-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> This is Marcretius of the Borg.
>
> We have determined that your defences are insufficient to stop a
> software attack by us, and therefore request that you surrender
> immediately to us for assimilation into the Greater Borg Consciousness.
>  And resistance is useless and shall be dealt with promptly with
> punitive action.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, Bucko, how to you expect to achieve software domination if you
} can't even implement a decent user interface! You need something
} flashier, preferably a GUI with scrollbars and a decision widget
} (click on the left pane to surrender, or twice on the fluorescing
} right pane to resist). Of course you are slightly limited with this
} textual medium here, but with a little style, a little verve, and a
} lot of brilliance (such as I myself possess) you can achieve quite
} satisfactory results.
}
} Just have a look at your text -- there is at least one instance of
} repeated pronouns within a sentence, and beginning a sentence with a
} conjunction is very sloppy indeed! No user will want to read text like
} that! An effective request-for-domination needs to attract the
} user, to make him *want* to be softwarily dominated. Such as:
}
}  ********************************************
}  * Welcome to Software Domination V1.01beta *
}  ********************************************
}
}  Hi there! This is Marcretius, your local Software Dominator from the
}  Borg. Would you like to submit to complete software domination, or
}  would you like to resist? [S,R]> _
}
} Or something to that effect. Try again when you've improved.
}
} You owe the Oracle an anonymous posting account to
} alt.software.bondage.

--- 331-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beg me.

--- 331-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> oh great and glorious oracle, whose magnifence is too much for me to
> describe,
>
> what should i do about jennifer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Dad!"
}
} "Yes, Alex?"
}
} "It's Jennifer."
}
} "What's wrong this time, son?"
}
} "Well, you know how I helped float Mallory and
}  Nick's modern art shirt business on the Stock
}  Exchange?"
}
} "Yes, Alex, your mother and I have been meaning
}  to talk to you about that..."
}
} "Later, Dad, will you just tell Jennifer that
}  signing a release for all liabilities incurred
}  by the company won't get her in any trouble?"
}
} "Well, Alex, you do remember how we lost Andy.."
}
} "Yeah, Dad, but I bought him back on a two for
}  one share offer."
}
} (footsteps coming down the stairs)
}
} "Dad!"
}
} "Ah, Jen, we were just talking about you..."
}
} "Later, Dad, will you just tell Alex that
}  folding up release forms and disguising them
}  as autograph books is unethical business
}  practice?"
}
} "Did you do that Alex?"
}
} "Well, maybe, a little..."
}
} etc etc etc etc
}
} There's nothing you can do. It's all in the script-
} the company goes bust and you end up in a cell next
} to Ivan Boesky. Sorry, Alex.
}
} You owe the Oracle a DeLorean and a giant amplifier.

--- 331-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why have three hellish monks passed away in the cold Kamchatka sea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Rub-a-dub-dub three monks in a tub,
} One Budda, one Christian, one Turk.
} The Budda was a mighty sailing man,
} The Christian brave and sure.
} Three passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour,
} A three hour tour.
} The weather started getting rough,
} The tiny ship was tossed.
} Because of the ignorance of the religious crew,
} The stupid monks were lost...
} The stupid monks were lost...
} The ship's a'ground on the eastern coast of the USSR
} We don't know where the hell the three monks are..
} The bells toll three times, once of each Monk on the Edmond
} Fitzgerold...
}
} You owe the oracle three sea songs with continuity...

--- 331-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>   "Are you going to play nice now, or do I have to get rough with you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh yes!  Oh please, p-l-e-a-s-e get rough with me.  I've been bad,
} very, very bad.  I deserve a spanking.  A hard, painful spanking.  With
} the paddle.  Yes, the paddle!!
}
} In fact, I've been so bad that I really should be tied up, don't you
} think? Don't you think I should be tied up?  I think I should be tied
} up.  With black silk stockings ... yes, and then blindfolded.
} Blindfolded nude with my arms up over my head, dangling from the
} chandelier.  While you run ice cubes along my thighs...
}
} And then eat goat cheese off the nape of my neck.
}
} ...such a bad Oracle I've been.  I should be punished.  I NEED to be
} punished. And you're the only one who can do it.  The only one who can
} do it right.  Get rough with me.  Make me behave!  I BEG YOU!!!!!  I'M
} AT YOUR MERCY!!!!!!!
}
} ************************************************************************
} Ladies and gentleman,
}
} The management wishes to formally apologize for the above incident.  We
} do not endorse hotel premises or furnishings being used by guests for
} such purposes.
}
} For those of you who were dining in the main diningroom at the time Mr.
} Oracle was present, please accept our deepest apologies.  Of course,
} your dinner that evening is complimentary.  You may also take this
} notice down to the bar to redeem for a drink, on the house.
}
} Again, our humblest apologies for any inconvenience you may have
} experienced during Mr. Oracle's impropriety.
}
} Sincerely,
}
} Wally G. Sinclair
} Hotel Manager

--- 331-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ok- you know how great you are, so we can dispense with the groveling
> nonsense.
>
> What {is, was, will be} your greatest achievment?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, we can not dispense with the groveling nonsense.  As a punishment,
} I will only tell you my second greatest achievement.  Don't you feel
} rotten?
}
} My second greatest achievement concerns a poker game.  I was playing
} one night with Death, Fate, and Nature.  It was a VERY heavy game, and
} I was deeply in the hole.  Playing with these guys was always a
} special challenge.  Death had a habit of "collecting" everything.
} Fate knew the destiny of each hand before he even picked up his cards.
} Nature could see into your heart and find any bluff or weakness.  Of
} course, I knew every card as it was dealt because I am psychic.  But,
} merely knowing the hands in this game was not nearly enough.
}
} I was holding a pair of aces.  Death had three threes.  Fate had four
} lousy hearts, but I could tell from his smile that he knew he would
} get a flush.  Nature had a king and two queens, but, knowing nature,
} there would be another king or queen along any minute.  I decided to
} knock out Fate first.
}
} I said to Fate, "Too bad."
}
} Fate said, "Too bad about what?"
}
} I said, "It's a nice hand.  It's a shame it will not win."
}
} He said, "What are you talking about?  I can tell that it is the
} destiny of this hand to win."
}
} I said, "Don't forget that I am psychic.  I can see into your mind
} deeper than you can see yourself.  I can tell that you know that your
} hand will lose.  Just ask Nature."  Of course, I couldn't really see
} into Fate.  Nobody but Fate can know Fate.
}
} Nature played it like a proffesional.  She said, "Yes.  I can tell
} that he is telling the truth.  You will lose."
}
} I made the first bet while Fate mulled this over.  I bet 5.
} Nature raised the bet to ten.  It was now Fate's turn to bet.
}
} Fate said, "Wait a minute.  Why would you tell me that I am going to
} lose?  You must know that I will win.  But, if you knew that I would
} win, then why didn't you fold?"
}
} Death said, "Can't you tell that we are just playing with you?"
}
} Fate considered the concept of Death playing with him.  He said, "I
} fold."
}
} Death called the bet, and now it was my turn.  I said to Nature, "It
} must seem futile, really."
}
} She said, "What is futile?"
}
} I said, "You struggle to create new life and fill the world.  But
} always, it all falls to Death in the end.  Sad."
}
} She shot Death a nasty look.  She said, "Yes.  It can be a little
} frustrating."
}
} I raised the bet to 20.  I said, "This is your chance to get some
} revenge.  You must really enjoy these little poker games with Death."
}
} She raised the bet to 40.  She said, "I must admit.  Beating Death can
} be very satisfying."  She grinned.
}
} Death stared at the large pot.  He said, "We all know that Death
} always wins in the end."  He raised the bet to 60.
}
} I breathed slowly for a minute and then called the bet.  One of
} Nature's queens had triplets.  Nature now had four kings and two
} queens.  She called the bet.
}
} Death noticed the unusual action in Nature's hand.  He said, "I
} fold."
}
} I considered my nearly vanished pile of chips.  I had just enough to
} raise the bet by 2, and I knew that I would lose if she called or
} raised.  If I folded, then I would be so deeply in debt that my soul
} would be forfeit.  I decided to bluff, and I raised the bet.  Nature
} smiled.
}
} I said, "Isn't it funny."
}
} She said, "Let's not get tricky.  Don't forget that I can see that you
} are bluffing.  What so funny?"
}
} I said, "It just seems odd that Nature is about to kill me.  Just
} moments ago she defeated Death.  Now she brings Him back into play."
}
} She said, "It is not odd.  You have been playing like an idiot all
} night.  Now you lose.  When you lose to Nature, Fate, and Death, all at
} the same time, you can expect the consequences to be rather severe."
}
} I said, "You don't hate me.  I'm just the Oracle.  You really want
} to get back at Death and Fate for destroying your work.  If they lose
} to you, then they will feel a little bad.  If they lose to incompetent
} old me, then they will feel rotten.  Which is worth more to you?  A
} few poker chips, or a real sting to Death and Fate?"
}
} Ooops.  I'm out of time.  I'll finish this story later.  You owe the
} Oracle a poker heart.

--- 331-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why do mice have tails???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tails? Mice have tails?
}
} Hmmm. A little cheese and - <snap!> - oops... Okay, it's set. Now we
} wait.
}
} "Squeak, squeak." Pitter pitter. "Sniff." Pitter. "Sniff sniff."
} Pitter. "Sniff." Nibble--
}
}       SNAP!!
}
} Ew. Wow, that must've hurt. Hey, by golly, it DOES have a tail! <fling>
} <thump>
}
} I'd have to say mice have tails to give you something to pick them up
} by when you toss their shattered little bodies away.
}
} You owe the Oracle a carving knife, of course.