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Subject: Usenet Oracularities #329
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X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1
	nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQ<tojW#
	]quLb@%@3Q4x$T4SxS;ze<\0dr:/_y`dM.xMmR^I5/>e?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~
	|)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(<G'0X+G|1PO'r-@Ku%)CHLT(BYjS0
	,pM$aEB}z2PL!ixK{xr\9{}:V?&YZ>+
X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces".  From the iuvax archive today.

=== 329 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #329
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 23 Jul 91 02:34:31 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
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with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
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    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

--- 329-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Big-Brother Oracle,
>
>         How will I know if I'm in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The monitor cannot be turned off.  Eurasia is at war with Eastasia.
} Eurasia has *always* been at war with Eastasia.  The Ministry of Plenty
} will give you enough to eat.  The Ministry of Truth will tell you what
} to think.  And the Ministry of Love will tell you when you're in love.
}
} You owe Big Brother a copy of the Cliff Notes to _1984_, and a
} colorized picture of Joseph Stalin.

--- 329-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  O mighty and wise Oracle, please answer me thus:
>
>       If this little piggy went to market
>       and this little piggy stayed at home,
>       then how many piggies would I have left ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends on the type of government you want.
}
} Democratic Party government:
}
} Since you sent one of your piggies to market, we will tax the proceeds
} from that sale at a rate of 65%.  You have 1 piggy left at home (which
} with the latest revenue-generating plan to allow us to fund all of
} these nice programs that you don't want to fund but we're going to do
} anyway) but since you are going to owe us money, we'll just come to
} take the piggy now.
}
} Number of piggies left: 0
}
} Republican Party government:
}
} Actually, it's not too much different than the Democratic Party
} government, except you have a lower tax rate at selling time, and the
} government will leave you 1/2 of your piggy.  You won't be forced to
} fund all of these nasty programs, but you will be made liable for a
} large portion of the national debt.  One thing the Republican Party
} government will do, however, is to blame all of your tax problems on
} the Democrats.
}
} Number of piggies left: 1/2
}
} Socialist Government:
}
} Since you are a nice, caring individual, you want to share you
} remaining piggy with all of those who are less fortunate than you are,
} so you willingly give it up.
}
} Number of piggies left: 0
}
} Communist Government:
}
} Since all property is owned by the State for the benefit of the people,
} there is no concept of private property, so therefore you never owned
} any piggies.
}
} Number of piggies left: 0 - but only because you never owned any in the
} first place.
}
} Stalinist Government:
}
} Bang!
}
} Number of piggies left: 0
} Number of farmers left: 0
}
} Theocratic Government:
}
} Since all of creation is made by God, everything is owned by him, and
} thus you are but a steward of what God has given you.  As a result, a
} tithe of you pig is required.
}
} Number of piggies left: 90% Hallelujah!
} ..
}
} Anyway, there's a list of the number and types of piggies left.
}
} You owe the Oracle a side of barbecued pork ribs.

--- 329-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O magnificent Oracle, redacter of the most rarefied religions,
> cluefullest of the cabalistic cognoscenti, master of mystical
> mechanations, I beg you to help me in my quest for cosmic
> enlightenment.
>
> A few months ago, I was visiting my father, and we went to dinner with
> a Chassidic rabbi.  Before the feast began, the rabbi's youngest son
> asked:
>
> "Why is this night different from all other nights?  On all other
> nights we eat either chametz or matzah [whatever the hell those are];
> tonight, why do we only eat matzah?  On all other nights we eat either
> sitting up or reclining; tonight, why do we always eat reclining?  On
> all other nights we do not have to eat spicy food; tonight, why do we
> eat maror [whatever the hell that is]?  On all other nights we do not
> even dip once; tonight, why do we dip twice?  [Dip what in what?]"
>
> Or something like that.
>
> I thought these were all very perceptive questions, but unfortunately,
> the answers were all in Hebrew, and I was too embarassed to admit that
> I didn't understand.
>
> Since that dinner, I've puzzled over that cryptic reply, but I just
> can't figure it out.  Please help me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I may read from the _Shaitanic_Verses_
} (by Farquahr Mahmoud, now in hiding after Pat Robertson put a bounty on
} him)
}
} And Moses led his people from Egypt, for the lord hath spoken to him
} and said, "Tell your people to steal the valuable heart scarabs from
} the tombs of your oppressors, lest I otherwise call you home." And when
} the kings of Egypt learned of this, they were wrothful and did send
} their soldiers.
}
} And as Moses led his people from Egypt, with the soldiers growing ever
} closer, he beseeched the lord "Uhm, He whose name I dare not speak? You
} listening? Errr.. some of those soldiers are getting kind of close you
} know? I know the heart scarab thing fell through, but are you really
} going to kill me? And all of your followers too? Can't you think
} constructively for a change? Maybe we could do a little penance and you
} could lay off a little, okay?"
}
} And Moses said unto the lord: "Vegetarian? What's that? You want
} us to go without killing any animals for food?  Could we perhaps
} just kill for snacks, but forgo meals? Geez, don't be so touchy.
} What? I don't know what 'Geez' means, so don't ask me."
}
} And Moses said to the chosen people: "The Lord has said that we must
} not eat meat, but only bread. He has also said that Moses as the leader
} of the chosen people need not make his own bread but shall choose his
} loaf from among all those made by the tribe. And he who made that loaf,
} if he should surrender it gladly, will be blessed and viewed with
} pleasure by our lord, at least until the poor schmuck does something
} wrong that puts him back in the doghouse again. So get to work!"
}
} And the people set about making bread, and they had to be quick about
} it, for the Egyptian soldiers were getting ever closer. The Egyptian
} soldiers were slow, since they were constantly reciting rituals to make
} sure that if they keeled over from heat prostration in the next five
} minutes that their tonsils would not be stolen by the trickster demons.
} Egyptian soldiers worried a lot about the afterlife and how they were
} going to spend it. They could not afford the massive tombs, and it
} seemed that every month the priests discovered some new hazard of the
} afterlife which required some mantra or talisman to banish. And always
} these things cost money. So the soldiers worried that if they didn't
} walk fast enough they'd be cursed by the Pharaoh before they were put
} to death for losing the Hebrew tomb thieves. And if they walked too
} fast, they'd lose their breath and skip a beat of the ritual and risk
} having their tonsils turned inside out during the afterlife. The
} Egyptian soldiers recognized that Moses and his "chosen people" might
} not appreciate the upcoming carnage, but the soldiers had problems of
} their own.
}
} And there was a massive ka-WANG-o,  and all the bread withered as if it
} were but wax in the ovens of the fleeing tribe. And Moses said unto
} the lord, "What is it now?" "Sure, we're vegetarian now. We're not
} hunting, we're making bread, see? Or at least we were until someone
} decided to... No we're not killing anything. Yeast? What is a yeast?
} You're kidding. Of course you're not kidding."
}
} And Moses announced, "The lord has decreed that this day we shall not
} make leavened bread, but instead make bread that will not rise. This
} bread we will call matzoh, and many centuries from now our descendants
} will note with irony how many of the most gentile goyim use the stuff
} as topping on their tunafish casseroles."
}
} To celebrate that day, at the seder one eats only the matzoh.  Never
} leavened bread. If only the animal rights protesters set about trying
} to save the yeast as the ancients did, the world might be a better
} place.
}
} Since Moses and his tribe had lost precious time on the first batch of
} bread, the Egyptians were mighty close by the time the crackers were
} done. As the Jews (though they were not known as such then) sat atop
} the dunes eating their matzoh, their was a far off clatter, a sudden
} buzz as of angry bees, and suddenly half the tribe keeled over with
} arrows sticking out of their respective torsos.  Moses yelled "Get
} down!" and even though Moses did not speak with the word of the Lord at
} this point, the people viewed his word as that of the lord, and they
} ate reclining.
}
} To celebrate those that survived that day, at the seder one eats
} reclining. Any similarity to happenings in Howard the Duck comics
} purely coincedental.
}
} To make a long story short... uhm.  Too keep a long story from getting
} totally out of hand, I'll summarize the next few bits.
}
} You eat horseradish together with applesauce because as the people got
} sick of eating plain crackers with no meat, they started experimenting
} with bizarre garnishes. The parsley dipped in saltwater helps kill off
} gum disease and freshens breath all at the same time. The hunt for the
} matzoh gets the kids out of the dining room for a couple of minutes so
} that the adults can have some peace of mind. The purpose of the long,
} boring Hebrew passages is to make you truly thankful when it finally
} comes time to eat.

--- 329-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh gracious Oracle, whose irresistibility is equaled only by his
> immovability, please condescend to tell me,
>
> If an immovable object met an irresistible force, what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should mention this ... the other day I was sitting around on
} Mt. Olympus, and Bacchus and I were having a beer.  Now, one of the
} less well known abilities of Bacchus is that of the irresistible belch,
} though he doesn't like to make it public (I mean, would you?).  Well,
} being a bit drunk that night, we decided to go cruising.  After feeding
} a few 'ludes to Phaeton's horses to keep them from going bonkers, we,
} uh, well, we spray-painted them black, and the chariot, too, to make
} sure we didn't confuse everyone with an early sunrise -- and to look
} way cool, too (the Oracle goods damn good in black leather, if he may
} say so himself (and of course he may, don't be stupid (thank you,
} me))). After donning some shades, we were off.  Well, we picked up a
} few babes (just as a side note, a black chariot is a good tool for
} picking up babes) and we decided, en masse, to go on a joyride.  Now,
} for most purposes, you can take the planet Jupiter as a pretty
} immovable object, right? Right.  Damn big, damn massive, generally a
} planet to be reckoned with. Well, Bacchus and I had picked up a young
} astrophysicist and a philsophy student, and they were going at it over
} whether or not anyone could hear you scream in space, something to do
} with physics versus metaphysics.  Well, the closer we got to Jupiter,
} the more Bacchus kinda got the ideas of "in space, no one can hear you
} scream" and "perfect acoustical wall" confused.  Being drunk, he
} offered to test whether or not A.) if anyone can hear you *belch* in
} space, and B.) whether that big ol' round thing down there really was
} the ultimate surface to bounce a big one off of, forgetting about the
} absence of air. As it turns out, yes, you *can* hear someone belch in
} space, and yes, the planet Jupiter does work very, very well as a
} sounding board -- but if and only if the belch/sound in question is a
} special kind of belch, a metaphysical belch, one beyond the limitations
} of mere atmosphere, one remarkably like the one Bacchus fired off.
} Remember physics 100 back in freshman year?  Remember the section on
} momentum, and that demo with the marble and the bowling ball?  The boys
} at Nasa should put a harness on that man, really they should, 'cause
} the net effect was that we caromed off Jupiter -- *ka-PWING!* -- and
} ended up on Alpha Centuari II, because, as we forgot, while the belch
} was irresistible, we were MUCH more movable than Jupiter.  I like Alpha
} Centauri II, really I do, but it's the off season there now, and the
} solar storms are just awful ... but it was a nice soft beach to use as
} a brake, and I wasn't about to start steering at that point.
} Unfortunately, Bacchus was kind of taken with his new way of hitting
} warp speed, and we had to do this a few more times before he finally
} let us aim ourselves at Earth -- I think we ended up in Pismo Beach.
} After digging out a few ancient gold shekels for the babes to pawn at
} the nearest museum for the plane fare back to Tacoma, and after
} stripping the horses, we called it a night.  So, in answer to your
} question, when an immovable object meets an irrestible force, a lot of
} Californian museum officials get confused, you get a god or two pissed
} at you, and you get a massive hangover.
}
} You owe the Oracle a beer.

--- 329-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, who art badder than the baddest:
>
> Boom Boom chi Boom Boom Boom chi Boom Boom "Don't you ever/Pull my
> lever . .  " Boom Boom . . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  You have earned your place in the annals of science.
} You are the first known human victim of a computer virus.
}
} It has long been known that computational viri could be transmitted
} aurally, but no one had hit upon the particular parameters which would
} enable a virus to survive, multiply, and propagate in the human mind.
} A clever hacker wove his latest experiment into that song, and you've
} been infected.  It is interesting that a second successful virus was
} recorded earlier this week, when a woman in upstate New York complained
} that listening to Mary Hart's voice on TV caused nausea and
} disorientation.
}
} The Oracle advises you to do your best to avoid singing the song chi
} Boom, lest you infect other innocent Boom Boom chi Boom parties ... oh,
} shit ... Boom chi Boom.
}
} You owe the Oracle chi Boom two aspirin and a pair of ear plugs.

--- 329-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>                               _                          _
>   ___     __ _ _ __ ___  __ _| |_    ___  _ __ __ _  ___| | ___
>  / _ \   / _` | '__/ __|/ _` | __|  / _ \| '__/ _` |/ __| |/ __|
> | |_| | | |_| | | |  __| |_| | |_  | |_| | | | |_| | |__| |  __|
>  \___/   \__, |_|  \___|\__,_|\__|  \___/|_|  \__,_|\___|_|\___|
>          |___/
>           _
>  _      _| |__  _   _    __ _ _ __ ___   _ __ ___  _   _
> \ \ /\ / / '_ \| | | |  / _` | '__/ __| | '_ ` _ \| | | |
>  \ V  V /| | | | |_| | | |_| | | |  __| | | | | | | |_| |
>   \_/\_/ |_| |_|\__, |  \__,_|_|  \___| |_| |_| |_|\__, |
>                 |___/                              |___/
>       _                          _
>   ___| |__   __ _ _ __ __ _  ___| |_  ___ _ __ ___
>  / __| '_ \ / _` | '__/ _` |/ __| __|/ __| '__/ __|
> | |__| | | | |_| | | | |_| | |__| |_|  __| |  \__ \
>  \___|_| |_|\__,_|_|  \__,_|\___|\__|\___|_|  |___/
>              _     _
>  ___  ___   | |__ |_| __ _
> / __|/ _ \  | '_ \| |/ _` |
> \__ \ |_| | | |_| | | |_| |
> |___/\___/  |_.__/|_|\__, |
>                      |___/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'ey? What's that? Speak up, boy. The Oracle is advancing in years and
} going a bit deaf....
}
} Big chracters, you say? Your character's aren't so big. Now take
} Shakespeare's Brutus! He was a big character. Or Captain Ahab in
} "Moby Dick", now there was a big character. It will take you years
} of practice befaore you can write such big characters.
}
} You owe the Oracle the destruction of your first novel.

--- 329-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose sight is so penetrating that even lead can not stop
> it, and to whom kryptonite is no big deal, please answer me this.  Why
> does Stravinsky (pronounced with a "w") sound like noise to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously you have been listening to THE RITE OF SPRING.
} Everyone who listens to that thinks Stravinsky sounds
} like noise. This is for several reasons:
}
} 1) The Rite of Spring is about a young girl dancing
}    and dancing and dancing until she collapses,
}    presumably dead. The music is intended to convey
}    the full horror of such a scene.
}
} 2) (possibly from your point of view) it was not
}    written by Bach, Mozart, Pachelbel, Telemann, or
}    sundry other classical composers whose works are
}    generally thought to sound "nice."
}
} 3) You may have been listening to it on an IBM PC
}    not equipped with a sound card, in which case
}    anything would sound like noise.
}
} 4) Ry Cooder is not known to have ever recorded any
}    of Stravinsky's works :-)
}
} 5) Stravinsky is vastly overrated.
}
} Still, if you think that was bad, you ought to try
} John Cage on for size. Now that's noise.
}
} You owe the Oracle the 3 CD boxed set of the Layla
} sessions...

--- 329-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose incredibleness leaves me at a loss for words to
> adequately describe it, why does time seem to go faster when the radio
> is on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The sound of clapping and cheering.  Hooray!  Whistle.  Bang.  Thud.]
}
} Announcer:  Welcome boys and girls to Mr. Science, where we will answer
} all of your science questions!  (Cheer.)  Today we have a special
} guest, Mr. Oracle!  (Polite clapping)  Mr. Science is, er, umm, sick
} today, and he won't be here.  Sooory boys and girls.  (Awwwww.)  Now
} over to you, Mr. Oracle!
}
} [The camera swings wildly over to focus on a glowing terminal.]
}
} Big O:  Gee, thanks chuck.  I am a BIG fan of this show, and this is an
} extra special treat for me.  (Puke.)  So let's have the first
} question.  How about the little girl there, wearing the pink dress,
} pink shoes, pink socks, and pink gloves.  Yes you.  No, not you, you.
} That's right, you.  You.  YOU!  Hmmm.  Let's try the little boy and in
} cowboy hat.
}
} Boy 1:  Oh boy!  I have a hard question!  Why do birds land on the
} ground?  Who don't they just fly all of the time?
}
} Boy 2 (quietly):  Hey, they come down because you shoot them with
} your rifle.  (Snicker.)
}
} Big O:  Hey!  Let's have none of that.  It's a fair question with an
} easy answer.  The Earth sucks, and birds get tired of fighting the
} pull.
}
} Little pink girl (mumbling):  I have a question.
}
} Big O:  What was that, little girl?
}
} [The little girl is startled and shuts up.]
}
} Big O:  What?  What?  Oh, never mind.  Let's try the little boy with
} the broken arm and the bad bruises.  What's your question?
}
} Boy 3:  Can you see the future?
}
} Big O:  Yes.
}
} Boy 3:  What will be the price of all of the blue chip stocks exactly
} 30 days from now?
}
} Big O:  Now, you know that I can't reveal that sort of information.
} Causality would grind me to a pulp before I got the first word out.  I
} am good friends with Causality, and I don't want to force him to do
} that.
}
} Boy 2 (quietly):  Good one, slick!
}
} [A huge lightning bolt shoots down from the sky and turns Boy 2 into a
} small cinder.]
}
} Big O:  I hate smartass kids.
}
} Little pink girl (mumbling):  I have a question.
}
} Big O:  Ah ha!  I was listening that time.  What is your question?
}
} Little girl (mumbling):  Never mind.
}
} Big O:  No, I insist.  Tell me your question...  Now...  Right now...
} TELL ME YOUR QUESTION OR I WILL TURN YOU INTO A WORM!
}
} Little girl:  You don't have to get your panties in a snarl!  Why does
} time seem to go faster when the radio is on?
}
} Big O:  Easy.  The radio has a tiny little man inside, and he makes
} all of the noises in a tiny sound studio.  He is very busy, so he
} pulls extra time out of the surrounding area to help him get his work
} done.  Time goes faster for you because there is less of it to go
} around.
}
} Announcer:  OK kids.  That's all we have time for today!  Let's give
} My Oracle a big hand.  (Polite clapping.)  Come back next week when we
} will ask questions about the things that your mother keeps in the
} bathroom!  (Cheer.)  See you then!
}
} [Dippy theme music.  Clapping.  Switch to commercial.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a guest appearance on a classier game show.

--- 329-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O worthy, wise, wonderful, witty, and compassionate Oracle:
>
>       If IBM and Apple get married, what will they call the child?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DL: Do we have time to do the top ten now?  We do, okay.  Our top ten
}     tonight, here from the home office of Mount Parnassus in Europe-
} PS: Mount Parnassus, Dave?  I thought the home office was in Leba-
} DL: Yeah, Paul usually it is, but tonight, ah tonight we got the Oracle
}     to come up with our top ten list.  If that's okay with you. I mean,
}     if you want we could ask it "O Oracle, do we have to use your
}     stupid top ten on the show?"  But then it would just answer YES.
}     So then we'd still have to use this top ten.  And then we'd owe
}     the Oracle something because he'd answered a question of mine.
} PS: He wouldn't ask to come on the show again, would he?  Or it, I
}     guess... DL: Man, I hope not. I mean, it's all very well having
}     this omniscient being on, but he never takes the conversation
}     anywhere, just answers questions.  What's that Morty?  Are we low
}     on time?  Okaaay.  Here without further ado, It's the top ten for
}     tonight.  The subject for tonight: If IBM and Apple get married,
}     what will they call the child?
} PS: So the subject is: <pause>  If IBM- the big bluester <pause>
} DL: Thank you Paul, but we're short on time.
}     #10. An Amiga that developers will write software for
}     Sir?  Oh, sir.  Hey, one of our audience members just got up and
}     left. Those damn Commodore owners.  They're so _sensitive_. Anyhow,
}     #9. C:MAD (short for Clone Me And Die)
}     I can here the lawyers coming to get us already.
}     #8. The Apple/2
}     #7. BillKiller
}     #6. Jessica (just because it seems like a nice name)
}     #5. BigBlauPinkt
}     #4. [Name Omitted to avoid potentail Look-And-Feel disputes]
}     Now you see Paul, no one is laughing at these.  You know why Paul?
} PS: Why is that Dave?
} DL: Because all the jokes in here are very specific to the computer
}     industry.  No one in our audience understands the background of
}     these jokes.  Let's take a quick poll here.  How many of you read
}     BYTE? <half of audience raises their hands>
}     Well, maybe there's some other reason.
}     #3. International Business Macintoshes
}     #2. 68086SEX
}     <audience chuckles>
}     #1. Yours for $30,000
}     <Dave tosses card.  Band starts playing.>
}
} You owe the Oracle some better joke writers.

--- 329-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "yo, eddie, check this out!"
}     "huh?"
} "lookit the blank screen!  we can put anything we want here!"
}     "so?"
} "come on! don't you have any cretinivity?"
}     "huh?"
} "i mean creativity.  you see something blank, you fill it in with
} something interesting.  that's what being an artist is all about"
}     "i'm not an artist.  i think it looks good blank."
} "i can tell!  but i aspire to beauty, poetry, symmetry, regularity, and
} cheap puns.  i gotta put something on that blank screen."
}     "so put something there. who's stopping you?"
} "the least you could do is be encouraging.  let's see, it looks like
} this guy was trying to write to the Oracle.  maybe we should make up a
} question for him."
}     "what's the Oracle?"
} "the Oracle is this really cool entity that like, knows everything and
} answers people's questions."
}     "knows EVERYTHING?"
} "the Oracle says it knows everything.  and it must be true, because the
} Oracle wouldn't lie about a thing like that."
}     "but like, you mean, like EVERYTHING?  like what we ate for
}      breakfast this morning?  like what that fuzzy stuff is that's
}      always hanging onto Suzy Lister's clothing?  like who broke old
}      man Martin's living room window with a stray ball the other night?
} "i think that's part of EVERYTHING, and the Oracle probably knows it.
} whether the Oracle cares about it is another matter.  usually the only
} things it cares about is getting laid and getting high."
}     "what else does anyone care about?"
} "you got no imagination whatsoever.  come on, let's think of a
} question"
}     "let's ask it about the fuzzy stuff on Suzy's blouse."
} "who cares?  the Oracle is a busy deity, you should only ask important
} questions."
}     "that is an important question!  i really want to know!"
} "no, an important question would be something like 'When will the world
} end?' or 'what's gonna happen to the environment with all those burning
} oil wells in Kuwait?' or 'why do municipal parking garages look so
} ugly?'"
}     "i really see the difference.  so why don't you ask one of those?"
} "well, they're like, too conventional.  the Oracle probably
} gets a hundred questions a day about municipal parking alone.  when you
} ask the Oracle a question, if you want a response, i mean a good
} response, it's got to be a good question.  that's what probably
} happened to this guy with a blank screen.  he began thinking about the
} question and couldn't think of something good, so he just gave up and
} hit the SEND key."
}     "well i'm getting really sick of this.  type something in on this
} guy's screen and let's get out of here."
} "ok, let's see....   i got it!"
}
} You owe the Oracle the rest of this story.