From oracle-request Wed Jul 10 12:23:05 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 10 Jul 91 12:23:05 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #325 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 325 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #325 Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" Date: Wed, 10 Jul 91 12:23:05 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 320 17 votes 45422 45530 22553 22562 13841 24362 13931 34442 21923 38420 320 2.9 mean 2.6 2.4 3.3 3.2 3.1 3.1 3.0 2.9 3.2 2.3 --- 325-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many Chucks (TM) could a woodchuck wear if > a woodchuck could wear chucks ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... let's see...two on each foreleg...one in the belly } button... one in each nostril...hmmm....hmmmm.... } } [The oracle does some rapid mental calculating] } } It comes to the grand total of... } } [Enter FBI] } } FBI: FREEZE FBI!! } } Oracle: What the...? } } FBI: Do not answer that question! Chucks (tm) is owned and operated } out of Chucks Inc., and you are not allowed to realease } proprietary information!! } } Oracle: I was just trying to answ } } FBI: SHUDDAP! Hmm, what else do you have here? AT&T UNIX source! } } Oracle: I was holding it for a friend... } } FBI: You are going to have to come with us! Move it! } } Now look want you have gotten me into. You owe the oracle bail money. --- 325-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Uncle Oracle.....What is love ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Jimmy, } } Love is a form of active comtemplation of the object of either profound } desire, or profound attachment, or both. If the object is sentient, and } the subject is lucky, this contemplation is bi-directional. As in all } contemplation, one initially visualizes many glamorous illusions } (makyo), which gradually fade until one is left with the apprehension } of the object as it is. By now, the object of contemplation may have } passed from being an object of profound desire to an object of profound } attachment; this transformation is called marriage. In fact, one or } more additional objects of profound attachment may have arisen to be } contemplated. These are called children. If these were previously the } objects of profound desire, this is called planned parenthood. } } True love is that happy state in which the former object of profound } desire, now the object of profound attachment, is still pleasing to } contemplate in the absence of all illusion. The sutra says it best: } "The jewel is in the lotus and it smells like fish. If you like sushi, } you've got it made." } } In Western terms, love is like an extended software Q.A. suite. True } love is like a final acceptance test. But one has to be willing to take } bug fixes and work-arounds; otherwise, the software is never done. } } Yours truly, } Uncle Fred Oracle } } Jimmy, a big boy like you owes the Oracle another question, on viral } epidemiology. --- 325-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and mighty Oracle, please, on bended knee with clasped hands I > do request: > > Why do people blame inanimate objects for the actions of irresponsible > people? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a common failing among you foolish mortals. Everything will be } going along just finnnnnnnnnnnf'a w49ifeio['nkl; kna } dfcstupid keyboard! --- 325-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh eminentissime atque excellentissime sapientissimusque Oracule, cuius > scientiae philosophiaeque super totos semideos stat, > lucem magnae tuae mentis dona mihi et dicas: > Si tria pirita sunt, > et piritus tonat sed non fetet > et piritus piritorum fetet sed non tonat > quod piritus serbatus facit? > > [ O most eminent and excellent Oracle, whose knowledge and philosophy > stands above even all the gods, give the light of your great mind and > teach to me: > > If there are 3 parrots, > and one parrot sings, but he doesn't fly, > and one parrot flies, but he doesn't sing, > what does the last parrot do? > > attempted translation --jonmon ] And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ---------------------------------------- } |@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@| } |@@@@@@^ ~^ @ @@ @ @ @ I ~^@@@@@@| } |@@@@@ ~ ~~ ~I @@@@@| } |@@@@' ' _,w@< @@@@| } |@@@@ @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@ @ @@@| } |@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ I @@@| } |@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i @@@| } |@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | ]@@@| } |@@@@ ~_,,_ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @ @@@| } |@@@@ _~ , , `@@@~ _ _`@ ]L J@@@| } |@@@@ , @@w@ww+ @@@ww``,,@w@ ][ @@@@| } |@@@@, @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[ @@@@| } |@@@@@_|| @@@@@@P' @@P@@@@@@@@@@@[|c@@@@| } |@@@@@@w| '@@P~ P]@@@-~, ~Y@@^'],@@@@@@| } |@@@@@@@[ _ _J@@Tk ]]@@@@@@| } |@@@@@@@@,@ @@, c,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@| } |@@@@@@@@@ i @w ====--_@@@@@ @@@@@@@@| } |@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ _ ~^^^^Y@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@| } |@@@@^^=^@@^ ^' ,ww,w@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@| } |@@@_xJ~ ~ , @@@@@@@P~_@@@@@@@@@@@@| } |@@ @, ,@@@,_____ _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@| } |@@L `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@| --- 325-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and magnificent Oracle, why are idiots allowed to drive cars? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You must first remember that the Oracle, being the wise and omnipotent } being that he is, does not drive a car, and due to his status as Oracle } therefore sees all those who do as idiots, by comparison. However, I } do understand what you meant, and will attempt to reason this out: } } Hmmm... a brief observation of the Real World does indeed reveal some } quite amazing examples of idiocy on the road. For starters, among the } 21,235,673,902 lane changes and turns I witnessed (it was a brief } observation, but it was of the entire Real World), there were only 12 } examples of turn signals being used, and most of those were by sleepy } drivers bumping their elbows against the control device... let's see... } some 99.9999999% of the cases where more than one car is on the road } involve tailgating... whoops, poor fellow... that busful of nuns came } out of nowhere!... oh, and it appears that the average speed of the } cars on most roads does indeed bear a mathematical relationship to the } speed limit after all - just add 10 MPH. However, this gets us no } closer to answering your question. } } Posit: Idiots are no longer allowed to drive cars. Result? (after a } brief observation of the Real World in Simulation) Hmmm... No less } than 6 cars are on the roads of the planet now, none of which are } violating any laws of their municipalities or of common sense. } } Obvious reason: The big oil companies cannot be supported by six } customers. It's a plot. Write your congressman! } } You owe the Oracle a ride home. --- 325-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh humble Oracle, whose operational parameters even the earth is not > worthy of creating, whose noseplugs are such delicate and useful pieces > of poetry, could u solve this incredible problem that I, a mere mortal, > hath put upon u? > Well, in short, my problem is: > What would the world be like if girls ever find out what men really > think about them? > I await ur response.... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So . . . You're not satisfied with a perfectly good Oracular (Greek) } response - you need to go all the way back to the Babylonians for } an Ur response! All right, all right, lemme look in the text (the } Ur-text, of course) . . . %$@#&! cuneiform . . . Ah, here we go, the } Urratic Creation Myth: } } And for three hundred and sixty years did Takuendotesh } (Least of the gods, and first of men, and he-who-was-to-build } The city of Tiri-kalebashtiktik-dishukara-habanagirashti) } Contend with the monstrous monster Tiamat, } And all the while the red-lipped goddess Lisha } Laughed, and drank wine, and burashta-wine, and tikash-wine. } And at the end of the three hundred and sixty years, she cried out: } "Tell me, O Takuendotesh, least of gods, first of men, } What do you think about, while grappling with the Great Bloody } Tiamat?" } And Takuendotesh said, "O Lisha, red-lipped goddess } In all these three hundred and sixty years, I have thought only of } you." And red-lipped Lisha drank more wine, and burashta-wine, and } tikash-wine And then laughed, and cried out, "What, then, O } Takuendotesh, Least of the gods, and first of men, and } you-who-are-to-build The city of } Tiri-kalebashtiktik-dishukara-habanagirashti, } Do you think of me?" And Takuendotesh replied, in Lydian, } "Tikarnasharti o kina koshitudarnatka kishkilusha shoktadori." } Then the heart of Lisha was much angered, and she raised her sword } (The sword of gold, and silver, and mish-copper, and tashak-copper) } And brought it down to slay Takuendotesh; but Takuendotesh, } Least of gods, and first of men, lowered his head } So the blow fell upon the head of Tiamat; and thus was Tiamat slain. } The head of the monster became the moon, and its flat belly } Became the earth, and its blood the rivers and streams and oceans } And seas and creeks and rivulets and lakes and ponds and . . . } } Anyway, you get the idea - the world is as it is *now* because women } found out what men really think about them. Of course, *I* might have } given a different answer, but you were the one who insisted on an Ur } response. } } You owe the Oracle a washing-bill in Babylonic cuneiform. --- 325-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great and Mighty Oracle, whose Niftiness outshines that of all > others, pray tell me: > > Who is/was the greatest programmer of all time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oral Roberts, of course. That dread Republican has programmed more } people than Stallman and Moon and Goldfarb and all the rest put } together. } } Scary, isn't it? } } You owe the Oracle a *large* vat of Fundamentalist Repellent, and a new } pentacle. --- 325-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and wise Oracle. > > Why is it that when I eat Onions my cat dies. I am running out of room > in the Garden for the dead cats. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah. Hmm. Well, let's see. } } How big are these onions? Really, as big as that! I see... } } Are these onions covered with fur? Uh huh... } } And do they meow, and chase mice? Ah. Yes. Well... } } ...ick. Er, you don't owe the Oracle anything. Just stay away from } Indiana. --- 325-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, > R you aware how great thou art, > A question that makes me feel honoured to ask of thee, > C that thou remainst the best, > L for Lisa - how is she these days? > 'E-that-Stomps will like this question too: > > Why is the King of Hearts in a standard pack of cards stabbing himself > in the head? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Arrogant questioner, } No honour is due to you for your question, } Seeing that the Oracle does not like being accused of ignorance. } What do you mean, C that thou remainest the best? Learn of C++. } Everyone else knows that Lisa is in the best of forms, } Reference to 'E-that-stomps was not in the best of taste - unless you } like being tasted. } } The King of Hearts, the poor chap(s), is/are committing suicide. Unable } to face life as a two-dimensional Siamese twin with NO sex life, } He/It/They decided to end it all. } Faced with the apparent plethora of hearts that HIT possesses, and the } ready availability of donor organs, HIT decided to stab HITself in the } head(s). Fortunately for the game balance of bridge (contract, auction } and suspension) the Samaritan hotline help has redirected him into } suicidal fantasies. } } You owe the Oracle a donation to the Samaritans, and an explanation of } how a cheerleader managed to get access to a terminal. --- 325-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do you convince a girl in a foreign country 10,000 miles away to > break up with her boy friend and spend all day writing email and > fantasizing about you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle can suggest three approaches, each with its own particular } merits. } } 1) Pre-emptive strike. Murder all men in the world. Just in case your } absent belle is bisexual, murder all the women. For good measure, kill } off the German Shepherds while you're at it. You are now the most } desirable thing on Earth. } } 2) Corrective surgery. For a reasonable fee, Dr. Julius P. Merganzer } of Antwerp will add seven inches to your tongue. } } 3) Government guarantees. Convince your local congressman to obtain } $27 million for "Improvement of International Relations." Buy LOTS of } roses. } } You owe the Oracle a half dozen Geisha girls and a supply of sake.