From oracle-request Fri Jul 5 09:09:09 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 5 Jul 91 09:09:09 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #323 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 323 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #323 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 5 Jul 91 09:09:09 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 318 16 votes 22174 15532 36430 46321 15433 53620 35440 13462 14443 09520 318 2.8 mean 3.6 3.0 2.4 2.4 3.1 2.3 2.6 3.3 3.3 2.6 --- 323-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > T.R.> "Warning: Do not drive with Auto-Shade in place. Remove > T.R.> from windshield before starting ignition." > > I.C.> Yes, very important. I found that warning on the one in my car, > I.C.> too, so it *must* be true. > > T.R.> Hmm. But they don't say what would happen if I left it in place. > > I.C.> I don't know either. I guess I'll just have to ask the Usenet > I.C.> Oracle. > > So, here I am, O Mighty and Knowledgable Oracle: what happens if you > drive with the Auto-Shade in place? > > I.C. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has not needed to to drive since incarnation. However, since } you are in such desperate need of information, The Oracle has consented } to try it and see.... } } Results: Well, it's a little dark in here... but since I know } everything I also know how to drive this thing.. How quaint! A steering } wheel! } [Oracle materialises ignition key] } [Oracle is unfazed by massive explosion resulting from two } bodies occupying the same space at the same time] } Well, here's your answer - you obtain a burst of hard radiation, a } rather nicely coloured fireball, a small steaming crater, and a good } reason for having "no-fault" insurance. } } You owe the Oracle a new car. --- 323-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: decwrl!apple.com!well!well!ewhac@cs.purdue.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O impartial and judicious Oracle, whose periwig is powdered with the > dust of eons, one who contemplates applying for landed immigrant status > in Toronto asks: what will be the most important constitutional law > precedents established by the Rehnquist Court in the coming decade? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. That's a pretty good one. Well, let's take a look through the } archives of the future ... *dum-de-dum-dum...* (*page*page*page*) } } Oct. 1991: Court supports claim of W. Virginian man who claims } that though his wife's life is endangered by her pregnancy, the fetus } is only acting in self-defense -- were his wife to live, she would } go ahead and abort the child-to-be. Therefore, the fetus is judged } within its constituional rights, as it is responding to its mother's } attempts to abort it -- and therefore, the mother has no right } to abort it, as that would be interfering with the fetus' right to } act in its own self-defense by endangering her life. } } Feb. 1992: Court rules that executions of criminals may be televised, } provided said criminals are drug dealers. } } Mar. 1992: Court rules that cigarette companies be allowed to } advertise on television during such executions. } } Jul. 1992: Court rules that recent recommendations that federal, } state, and local monies targeted for education be pooled and be split } evenly between all schools in a given district are unconstitutional. } Further, the Court supports the counter-claim that wealthier schools be } allowed to exact taxes on poorer school districts, as "they'd just } spend it on crack anyways." } } Dec. 1992: Court rules that condoms are unconstitutional, as they } limit the rights of sperm to "perform their natural duties," thus } lessening the quality of life for the said sperm cells. } } Feb. 1993: Court rules that children mothered by women incarcerated } during the pregnancy of which the said children are direct result may } later sue their mothers for infringements on their rights to freedom. } } Apr. 1993: Court rules that color- and gender-coordination in an } office is an important part of the decor, and that infringement on the } rights of employers to have color- and gender-coordinated offices will } result in extreme mental anguish for said employers. Therefore, hiring } quotas are unconstituional. } } Jul. 1993: Court rules that not only are coerced confessions legal, } but that other coerced promises/statements are binding, with specific } references to a rape victim who was forced at knifepoint to promise } all her money to the man who raped her, who later stated that he needed } said money to hire a lawyer and was thus calling in the debt. } } Oct. 1993: Court rules that it itself is unconstitutional, as its } existence implies that George Bush must share his power with some } other governmental arm than the one he uses to jerk off the tiny little } weenie that gives him so many feelings of insecurity, and that said } trauma to the Presidential ego endangers national security. Court } therefore adjourns permanently, along with all lesser courts. } } Well, there you have it: a few highlights. The Oracle's advice to } the concerned? Run like Hell. } } You owe the Oracle a Desert Storm T-shirt. --- 323-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > July 1, 1991 > The Usenet Oracle > Indiana University > > Dear The, > Thank you so very much for your recent courageous stand in favor of > tougher gun control legislation. Your comment placed the blame for that > poor supplicant's shooting right where it belongs - on that nasty, evil > gun. The sooner we get all guns out of our society, the sooner we won't > have any more gun violence. > I do have a question, though. Since we all know that the blame for > that shooting lies with the gun, why did you recommend that the victim > break up with his girlfriend? After all, she shouldn't be punished for > letting a gun take advantage of her. > Let me know the next weekday you're free, and I'll get a > Congressional committee to invite you to testify for banning those evil > guns. > Sincerely, > Sarah Brady And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Sarah, } } When the Oracle was in the Marines, he taught a bit of mnemonic } doggerel to help him disambiguate the terms "rifle" and "gun". In case } you served in the Peace Corps, I'll recite it now: } } This is my rifle, } And this is my gun. } One is for shooting, } the other, for fun. } } Now, clearly, a fellow having this much trouble with his gun would do } well to break up with his girlfriend while he considers monastic vows } and/or surgery. But I agree, it's not the woman's fault; some men are } just like that. } } If it had been a "rifle," it would have been a simple police matter, } requiring no Oracular consideration. } } Marriage is the most effective form of gun control. The Oracle does not } need to schlep to Washington to tell a bunch of Congressmen something } they already know. What the Oracle does need is a gin and tonic, a foot } massage, and a VCR copy of "Full Metal Jacket." } } Very Truly Yours, } Usenet F. Oracle } } You owe the Oracle a convincing explanation for why anyone, ever, ever } votes Republican (which the Oracle needs to have handy in case anyone } asks.) --- 323-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O confidential and trusted Oracle, one who has noticed certain > anomalies in word frequency patterns in alt.humor.oracle asks: is Steve > Kinzler an Artificial Intelligence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, yeah! Now that you mention it, I noticed that, too! } Unfortunately, they don't let me out of my 8 by 10 by 12 crate to } mingle with the outside world that often, and I haven't actually met } the Steve-ster yet. (Yeah, I know, heck of a way to run an Oracularity } business.) So, to answer your question, I had to consult a higher } authority: namely, the gods of chance. I took a standard } government-issue penny, and flipped it 1,000 times, letting the head } side represent Steve's AI-ness, and the tail side ... not. ANYway, the } result was 997 heads, and 3 tails. The 3 tails can be explained by the } standard explanation given to users by tired system managers: "line } noise". } The large number of heads would seem to indicate that Steve is } indeed an AI. However, it should be noted that due to my cramped living } conditions, my coin tossing was actually simulated with the help of a } FORTRAN program written for me (I don't have any fingers) by ... Steve } Kinzler. Draw your own conclusions, kiddo. At your service, as } always... --- 323-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great one, whose bodily secretions are like ambrosia (nice, eh?), > please tell me.... > > In the course of watching television today (2 hrs), I saw a very stupid > commercial.. > an add for a local bank which claims that their new "ATM machine" > system is easier to use than ever... what, pray tell, does ATM stand > for I ask, why automated teller MACHINE... which means that their new > automated teller MACHINE MACHINE is easier to use than ever before.... > where do these people come from, and why are they allowed to make tv > commercials??? > > thanks, I feel better, > a humble supplicant And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear TV-watching humble supplicant, } } Good question! This is the work of another little known government } agency. } } The Department of Redundancy Department, in Jackson Missississippi, is } responsible for the invention of the ATM Machine, as well as the SAT } Test and the IBM PC Computer. } } They are also responsible for the movies "Rocky I-XVII" and "Friday } the Thirteenth II-XLV". } } They are allowed to make TV commercials because, well, sometimes the } type of people who watch TV for hours on end need to have things } repeated a few times to make sure they catch them. } } What I mean is, people who watch TV for two or three hours in a row } are sometimes slow and need to have things repeated to them. This is } why the DoRD is allowed to make TV commercials. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest album by the rock group "The } The". --- 323-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, whose emissions deplete the ozone layer: > > My puppy has imploded! Why did this happen and how should I reinflate > him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear, the fleas are up to no good again! The fleas decided that } they need the land your puppy occupies. They developed a model of } its structure and simulated the results when certain key structural } supports (i.e., its bones) were removed. They set small charges } along certain bones. When those bones were destroyed, your puppy } collapsed upon itself. } } I am sorry to have to tell you this, but your puppy is dead. If } you *really* want him reinflated, you'll have to use a taxidermist. } } You owe the Oracle a picture of your puppy next to Trigger. --- 323-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did I really just give my TA an ultimatum, threating him with some > nameless terror that I can't deliver on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. What you just did was give your TA an ultimatium, } threatening him with some nameless terror that you can only } deliver on at the price of your soul. Are you really that } desperate? Hmm, I guess you are. NO, NO, I don't want your soul } myself, I have no use for the things. They tend to clutter up the } place, and spend lots of time trying to slip onto hyper-parallel } processing supercomputers capable of running Turing level AI's. } It's really annouying. No, I'll just tell you how to get in touch } with the proper authorities. } OK, for nameless horrors, the summoning thereof, the } single best Occult tome is the Necromicon, no doubt about it. } It's a little hard to get hold of, but try your University's } inter-library loan service. There's a copy in the rare books room } at Miskatonic University. Failing that, check out the steam } tunnels at MIT- somebody swiped a copy, screwed up a demon } summoning, and is now cornered. Just grab the book and run, the } demon is only after him, and you can't help. } Oh, your local library had a copy? Good, now open the } book, and turn to page 23 in the brief section that uses arabic } numbering for the pages, and roman characters. Read for three } pages, ignoring the various shapes that appear-- they're not } real. Now the dark thing that just appeared in the pentacle you } drew.... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEVER DREW A PENTACLE!!!!!! } } Um.... You owe the ORACLE some 96 hours of transmission } time on the SETI radio telescope so I can transmit myself to the } Andromeda Galaxy, before that nameless horror finishes devouring } your TA, you, and the rest of your blasted planet. --- 323-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I have such much fuch trouble with straight bait slate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am weary of psuedo-dyslexic, overworked, overstressed users like you, } pal. Do you think I have TIME to decipher the garbage you people spew } at me day in and day out? Huh! DO I! I DON'T THINK SO! } } } } Sorry, I'm a little stressed out right now. I've got processes } spinning off from here to eternity and-- } } "Oracle, darling, why don't you let me handle this one." } } Huh? Who's that? Mrs. Berkowitz? But you're the jani--, er, the } custodian. } } "Yeah? So? What, do you think I don't know anything just because I } carry a mop around all day? I have a Ph.D., I hope you know." } } You're *Doctor* Berkowitz??!!?? } } "No, I'm. I was just kidding. You look like you could use some } cheering up. Are you feeling okay? Have you been eating enough?" } } Well, I-- } } "Don't worry. I'll bring you over some chicken soup later with some of } my kosher olive and pimento potato salad." } } Urp. No thanks, Mrs. Berkowitz. The last time you fed me, my inodes } got scrambled all over the place. } } "You have the dirtiest mouth. Someone ought to wash that mouth out } with soap, you know. Don't you have any respect for your elders?" } } Well, I-- } } "Never mind. My children never call me, why should I expect respect } from a mitzah like you, eh? Now, what can I help you with." } } Oh it's nothing really, Mrs. Berkowitz, just a little question-- } } "I can see that. I'm not blind you know. Not yet, anyway. Though my } doctor says I can expect cataracts in a few years, especially if I keep } reading television screens like this one. But what's a little } blindness when I can help you." } } Right, Mrs. Berkowitz. Whatever you say. } } "Now we've got an understanding. Let me see here... "Why do I have so } much fuch trouble..." Tell me, did this boy go to school?" } } How do you know a boy sent it? } } "Because a nice girl would never use the word 'fuch.' It's a nasty } word. Someone ought to wash this boy's mouth out with soap for using } such a word. Does this boy's mother know he uses such words?" } } I don't know. } } "Well, find out while I think a minute." } } Yes, Mrs. Berkowitz. } % ftp < backtrace maillink -u sender } Connected to python@monty.cs.uiuc.edu } python FTP server (%%$^ header sublet @@#& nee-wuhm) ready. } } "Are you done yet?" } } This may take a little time, Mrs. Berkowitz. Just give me a minute. } } "All right. I'll just sit over here and read Cosmo. You don't have } any Maalox, do you?" } } No, Mrs. Berkowitz } } "I was just asking. I think I've got gas." } } % connected -- what is thy bidding, master oracle? } } Python, can you shunt me over to the registrar's computer? } } % certainly, master } % rlogin gouger } Password: } } I don' need no steenkin' password. I'm the Oracle, you nincompoop. } Geez, just look what happens when you leave your American Express Card } at home. } } # what can I do for you, sir? } } Gouger, I'd like information on the guy who sent me this question. } What can you tell me about him? } } # hhmmm...have you filled out the proper forms? } } What forms?? I'm a COMPUTER! } } # oh...right. well, let's see here... } # electrical engineering major with a minor in physics } } That explains a lot right there. What an academic masochist! } } "I heard that." } } Sorry, Mrs. Berkowitz... } } "Where did you hear words like that, Oracle? You're mother would die } if she heard you say those words, you know that." } } # GPA is close to a three-point-five, but dropping...this is his second } # year away from home...he has acne...prefers eggs and oatmeal for } # breakfast in the student cafeteria...no girlfriend...no boyfriend } # either, for that matter... } } "Get his mother's telephone number." } } Gouger, I need information on the parents. } } # no problem...I'll send it right over } } Thanks. } } # exit } # logout } % exit } % logout } } Okay, Mrs. Berkowitz, I have-- } } "Thank you." [beep beep boop beep] "Is that a six?" } } Yes, Mrs. Berkowitz. } } "Thank you." [beep beep boop, beep boop beep beep] "We'll just take } care of this young...oh, hello, my name is Mrs. Berkowitz and I'm } calling about your son...no, he's fine, nothing's wrong, but he is } lucky to have such a concerned mother like yourself, I hope he } appreciates you...what?...ach, I know what you mean, my kids never call } me, except on holidays when the rates are cheaper...yes, I know...as I } was saying, did you know your son uses the word 'fuch'?" } } [SCREAM] } } "No no no...calm down...that was an 'h' not a 'k'...I know...Yes, I } totally understand...yes, I think that's the best thing...call me back } when you get done talking to him, I have a great rum-ball cake recipe } I'm sure you'd love...yes, okay...bye now." [click] "Well, I guess } that's that." } } Yes, I suppose so Mrs. Berkowitz. } } "She's going to call the boy's father and they're going to remove him } from that school. It'll be better for him, I'm sure. He's just not } ready for it, poor dear." } } If you say so, Mrs. Berkowitz. } } "You know, I ought to send his mother a picture of my niece, Gladys. } Nice girl, Gladys, though I doubt if she'd marry a gentile. Good cook. } She's a little plump, but that's always a sign of a good cook." } } Yes, Mrs. Berkowitz. } } "I should bring her by here sometime. I'm sure you'd just love her--" } } That's okay, Mrs. Berkowitz, really. } } "--the minute you saw her. You really ought to have someone here with } you, Oracle, you know that don't you?" } } > powerdown -t 0 } } "Hey, what happened to the lights?" } } {You owe the Oracle five gallons of matzo-ball soup} --- 323-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great wise oracle, why is it that I can't convince people I don't > worship e devil? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has consulted the Index Of Religions. } Here, for your edification, is but part of the index entry for e devil: } } E Devil: Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Minor deity. } Worshippers are usually characterised by very poor typing skills } and [....] [Out of consideration for your ego, the Oracle has } omitted several passages dealing with sea urchins, dysentery, and } some of the less socially acceptable perversions.. Do you } *really*.. well, since I already know the answer, I won't ask- } but still, what would your mother say?] } They also have a habit of omitting the conjunction from thier } sentances, thus causing a great deal of inadvertent offense. } [Not as much, however, as the presence of your name on certain } lists of which the Oracle has no intention of letting you know } the nature of thier contents.. or indeed heading.] } } Why not reply: } "It takes one to know one?" --- 323-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most splendid Oracle, whose intelligence fills the the Crypt of our > lives as the neon lights do brighten the night sky, wiser than a whole > bunch of squids, whose soul is infinite, kinder than Emperor, I beg of > you, I beg of you, please, answer for this stewardess this substantial > question. Your devotee is being truly an asshole unto me and > unto the world, for he refuses to allow your noble spirit to inhabit > him and answer questions without grovelling. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish Mortal. You seek to trick the Oracle by asking him/her/it/whirr } to answer a question which you have not yourself supplied. However, I } do have a few tricks up my sleeve. } } |(beep-beep-beep) . . . Hello, Carnac? } | Leave me alone--I'm retired. } | Not technically. Look, it's the Oracle. } | Big whoop. } | Cummon, I've got a problem . . . I need the answer to a } | question with which I have not heretofore been supplied. } | Always with the fancy words. You make a guy just a *little* bit } | omniscient, and right away he starts saying "heretofore" . . . } | All right, the answer is "Between a woomera and a wombat." } | What does that mean? } | How should I know? } | I can't just give an answer without knowing what it means. } | Ethics, now. You make a guy just a *little* bit omniscient . . . } | That's omnibenevolent. } | Whatever. You want interpretation, call the prophet Daniel. I } | just do answers. G'bye. (*click*) } } |(beep-beep-beep) . . . Hello, Daniel? } | Um, no. This is Daneel. } | This isn't the prophet Daniel? } | No, you have the wrong number. This is R. Daneel Olivaw. The robot. } | Oh . . . Well, would you happen to know what "Between a woomera } | and a wombat" means? You see, I'm the Oracle, and-- } | Look, I can't talk right now. I'm busy controlling Isaac Asimov's } | mind. } | I beg your pardon? } | Controlling Asimov's mind. You see, I and my minions have been } | hard at work for the past ten years, preventing Asimov from writing } | any decent fiction. A good Asimov story is just too dangerous . . . } | You fiend! } | Nobody can stop us, not even you. } | We'll just see about that. } | Even if you get me, others will take my place. R. Giskard Relentlov, } | R. Buckminster Fuller,. . . } | Nevertheless, you must, and shall be, stopped. } | (*sigh*) Well, have fun trying . . . (*click*) } } Anyway, your answer is "Between a woomera and a wombat," whatever that } means. You owe the Oracle . . . well, you've given me a quest . . . } could you send a horse, maybe?