From oracle-request Mon Jul 1 08:07:03 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 1 Jul 91 08:07:03 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #321 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 321 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #321 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 1 Jul 91 08:07:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 316 18 votes 55710 23850 06723 53811 15462 57222 22446 45612 20772 11466 316 3.0 mean 2.2 2.9 3.1 2.4 3.2 2.4 3.6 2.6 3.4 3.8 --- 321-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great Oracle, inspector of Gadgets far and wide, where did Penny > get her Computer Book? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Computer Book is actually an AI from the future, accidentally left } behind by the Time Patrol when they prevented the asassination of } Hitler in 1941 (if that had gone through, the Nazis would have had the } critical time necessary to hide the Holocaust, and would have had a } resurgance all over the world in the '50s and early '60s, which would } have led to the future George Orwell envisioned in 1948 when he wrote } "1984"). It ended up in New York, where it quickly disguised itself as } Isaac Asimov's dictionary. Later, it made its way to Hollywood (hidden } in a shipment of autographed copies of "Foundation") where it has had } several bit parts, including Penny's Computer Book and the Junior } Woodchuck's Manual in Duck Tales. It is attempting to leave a record in } kid's cartoons so the Time Patrol can find it. } } Unfortunately, it was never told about the purge of... well... I better } not say anything about that. --- 321-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > To the Colorful Oracle > > Is there really a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow...and if you > found it, what would you do with it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My poor friend, there has not been a pot of gold at the end of the } rainbow for quite a number of years. The simple fact that everyone } knew about precluded that they move the location, even though so many } people knew about it - few could get to it (rainbow walking is a skill } few have mastered even today.) I mean, leprechauns are a well-off race } but how many pots of gold can you just give away before you've got a } serious fiscal problem ? The council of leprechauns decided that } anyone who actually makes it to the end of a rainbow these days gets a } coupon book good for a few minor lucky happenings (you will make the } bus today, you won't lose your shirt in the football pool this week, } your spouse will not catch you flirting at the bar this week, etc.) } needless to say there was a bit of an outcry but since the council has } no address reachable by human means, registered complaints have been } scarce. Word has it that the pots are now located at the sights of } failed S&L's, since no one would look for money there anyways... } } You owe the oracle a box of Lucky Charms --- 321-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and all-knowing Oracle, whose toe jam we humans can never be > wonderful enough to eat, whose brain could never be on drugs, much less > a frying pan mixed with eggs, pray, answer me this one, humble > question. > > Why is it that I can't leave this computer alone. I have called down, > archiving your gracious oracularities and everything else. I have had > to call long distance in order to get such things accomplished. What > can I do... Hack the telephone company through BITnet? Help. Money is > running scarce. You are my only hope. > > unknown VAX-o-holic And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Heathen! Know you not that the Oracle condones only Unix use? And yet } you dare to call upon Me to solve your problem? Dear mortal, I AM your } problem! } } --- Forwarded message from: god@heaven.com --- } } Dear O, } } It seems like the Christians are getting a tad restless Down Below ... } as you know the Second Coming is about due, and, well, you know what } these mortals are like, they want *results*. They don't care that I } created life as they know it, no, that's not good enough. They want } something spectacular, like the fire and brimstone bit. Anyway, I } guess it's about time to give them what they want, but I thought that } given the public reaction to my last little "intervention" and and all } those disastrous side-effects, that a pilot study might be in order } this time. } } As I recall, you owe me a favour, so why don't you try out a } mini-Judgement Day on your followers for me, and see how it goes? } It'll be tricky, though; it's important that your trial run doesn't } significantly interfere with my followers and bias the results. So } you'll have to be *discreet* for once, OK? How about, I don't know, } making all your non-believers, obsessed with their non-ordained } operatinsystems. Oh, but that's right, they all are anyway. How about } this then: make them use non-local access. Then, as M-JD approaches, } make the obsession increase to the point where they are logged on 24 } hours a day. Their friends won't be able to get through by telephone } since it's tied up, and the heathens won't answer the door in case it's } a phone company bill-collector. Keep this up for a while and soon } everyone they know will have forgotten about them. Then, perform some } miracle and destroy them all (I'll leave the details up to you, Orrie.) } Measure the reactions of your followers, who will realise the heathens } have been destroyed when they stop getting mail with stupid capitalized } headers and "SMTP%" attached to the addresses. } } I'll expect a report on my desk by next Tuesday. } } The Big J. } } --- End of forwarded message --- } } So, heathen, your troubles are just beginning. Soon you will notice } that your room is steadily getting hotter. Your keyboard will start } developing small bumps on the home keys, which will grow into painful } barbed spikes, but for some reason you won't be able to stop typing. } Then ... } } But I don't want to spoil the surprise! } } Remember: the End of Your World is Nigh! } } You owe the Oracle your soul. --- 321-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, please, O ancient and honorable and trustworthy Oracle, whose > advice has been sought after long after it was given, what chain of > events needs to occur for Jesse Helms (R, NC) to become president of > the United States, and how likely is it? How about Jesse Jackson? > Or Jessie Murdoch, my wife's hairdresser? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem is, of course, that there is not *one* chain of events that } is needed to occur for any of the persons you mention to become } president, but infinitely many. Being the omniscient, } infinite-dimensional creature I am, I can of course comprehend them all } at the same time. Unfortunately, your tiny, mortal mind can only handle } a finite amount of information (you pityable creature), so I'll have to } restrict myself to giving you a small subset of the possibilities: } } ======================================================================== } Scenario #1: } } In the summer of 1991, Pres. Bush decides he has to break his holy } promise of "no new taxes" to be able to afford sending a man to Mars. } His advisors advise him that the new tax that would cause the least } protests is a tax on haircuts. This so enrages hairdresser Jessie } Murdoch, 34 (38-29-36) that she founds the American Hairdresser Party. } The party wins a landslide victory in the next elections. In 1996, Ms. } Murdoch decides to run for president and is elected the first female } president of the USA. } } Probability: 0.0000000000000000001231 % } ======================================================================== } Scenario #2: } } On Saturday, July 29, 1991, Jesse Helms goes to a fancy-dress ball in } Washington together with some friends, dressed as Dan Quayle (much } against his will, but the Dan Quayle costume was the only } moderately-funny-but-still-nototally-undignified one to be found late } on Friday night). Four hours later, George Bush's heart unexpectedly } gives up. The Vice President's Secret Service bodyguards follow their } secret instructions to the letter and immediately shoot Dan Quayle in } the back to avoid a national catastrophe. On his way home from the } party, Mr. Helms is mistakenly identified as Mr. Quayle. Having had a } little too many martinis, he is sufficiently confused to really act } like Mr. Quayle, and doesn't realize the mistake until it's too late } and he has been sworn in as President. } } One of his first acts as president is to declare "war on all forms of } computerized filth - in particular that blasphemous, pornographic } peddler of filth known as the Usenet Oracle", ordering an immediate } search of all computer disks for any indecent material, the owners of } such to be hung, drawn and quartered. } } Probability: 99.87 % } ======================================================================== } Scenario #3: } } On Monday, July 8, 1991, Rev. J. Jackson makes a historic... } } Wait - what was that? 99.87 % ? Oh dear... } } I'm sorry, but I can't continue - I've got more urgent things to deal } with right now (like destroying the Oracular Archives). I'll get back } to you later with more scenarios, if you're interested (in fifteen } years or so). } } You owe the Oracle a one-way ticket to Bolivia. --- 321-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh dear, and benevolent Oracle, why is it that my cat has a foot > fetish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First of all, you have to consider the natural affinity of cats to feet } (affinity... afelinity? afootiny?) behold: cat -> cOat -> coOt -> Foot. } But seeing as how your cat doesn't understand english, let alone silly } word games, chances are that isn't the reason. Let's turn to our } resident expert in deviant cat behavior, Dr. Sigmund Snowdrop, on his } daytime show, Cat Counsel... } } Jingle Singers : If you have a crazy cat, } That don't know just where it's at, } If your kitty's sort of dense, } Morose, twitchy, kinda tense, } If it tries to eat your mop, } It's a job for Doc Snowdrop! } Dr. Snowdrop : Hello, I'm Doctor Snowdrop, and I'd like to welcome } you all to the show. Today we'll be discussing cats. } JingleSinger #1 : But you always talk about cats. Always! } JingleSinger #2 : Couldn't we talk about the sexual mores of budding } muscians who sell out to become members of some stupid } chorus whose only purpose for existence was to let } people know the point of the show like they couldn't } just look it up in their local cable guide? } Dr. Snowdrop : JingleSinger #2, you're fired. Now are we ready to } take the first call? Okay. {Starts to pick up phone.} } Voiceover : Hello, Dr. Snowdrop. This is the Oracle. } Dr. Snowdrop : What the [bleep] is this? Where is that voice coming } from? } Voiceover : It's a special effect. Look, all your phone } lines were busy, and I had a question. This was my } best way to get through? } Dr. Snowdrop : How the [bleep] do you do that? Mike, how the [bleep] } is he doing that? Why can't I do that? } JingleSinger #2 : Because you're a mo-ron! } Dr. Snowdrop : You're fired! This time I really mean it! } Ex-JingleSinger : Oops. } Voiceover : You think this is impressive, hang on. I'll ask my } question while drinking a glass of water. } Ex-JingleSinger : Roll me over in the clover roll me over lay me } down... } Voiceover : Brurb blubb lubb flurb. Gurblub flub. Fub } lub. } JingleSinger #1 : Hey, it's like the mystery of the Glub Blubs all } over again! } Dr. Snowdrop : What the [bleep] is going on here? Mike, } cut this before } } And now, a brief word from our sponsors. } We asked 200 cats which pain reliever they'd rather have if stranded on } a desert island. Four out of five cats surveyed said they'd rather } have a boat. Most of the rest asked us to repeat the question. But } one of the remaining cats said something that sounded a little like } "Byar" Bayer Aspirin. If cats ask for it by name, shouldn't you? } } Dr. Snowdrop : Now that things are a bit more undercontrol, could } the caller please repeat the question, this time } without the water? } Voiceover : I've heard of a cat with a foot fetish. What do you } suppose could cause the cat to develop such a } tendency? } Dr. Snowdrop : It's because cats are stupid. } Voiceover : No, really. } Dr. Snowdrop : Also, cats are very snotty and conceited. They } despise humans. Cats have more feet than humans. } Thus, the cat no doubt is attracted to feet, as they } are more of a kittish nature than human. Is the cat } attracted to human feet? } Voiceover : Uh, I don't know - I could find out, but... } Dr. Snowdrop : Anyhow, cats are filthy creatures. It probably likes } feet because it's hoping to pick up some disgusting } disease from whatever you've stepped in. } Voiceover : See here, do you even like cats? } Dr. Snowdrop : Actually, it's contemplating gnawing through your } ankles, so that you won't be able to escape, and then } it will creep closer, closer, with that grin that } knows you can't drag... } Voiceover : Does this man have something against cats? } Ex JingleSinger : Not really. He always acts that way whenever he } figures someone's pressuring him on the answer. You } see, he's never seen a cat. } Voiceover : How come he sets himself up as such a big authority? } JingleSinger #1 : He went to some Cat Social Workers Vocational School. } How come you're an Oracle if you've got to go to } consultants for all the tough questions? } Voiceover : Er. But how do they teach anything at the school if } they don't have any cats? How did he graduate if he's } never seen a cat? How did... } ExJingleSinger : It's me and my crew and we're here for a screw, } called Bar... } JingleSinger #1 : Well, they used a virtual cat. } Voiceover : I don't think I want to hear about this one... } Ex JingleSinger : You ain't kidding. } JingleSinger #1 : No, really, it's just like ELIZA, you know? You sit } in front of this terminal and type in what you want to } say to the cat. And the computer answers back just } like a real cat would. And it can simulate cats with } all sorts of nervous disorders. } Voiceover : Maybe this is what I'm looking for. Thanks, and good } afternoon. } {static/noise} } BEGIN GRATUITOUS UNIX INTERACTION HERE } prompt% man vc } NAME vc(1) } vc - version control program } SYNTAX } vc [-a] [-t] [-cchar] [-s] [keyword=value... keyword=value] } DESCRIPTION } The vc command copies lines fro^C } } prompt% man cat } NAME cat(1) } cat - concatenate and print data } SYNTAX } cat [-b] [-e] [-n] [-s] [-t] [-u] [-v] file... } DESCRIPTION } The cat command reads each file in sequence and displays it } on the standard output. There^C } prompt% man cat-cam } NAME } cat-cam - cat counseling and mentatics } SYNTAX } cat-cam -aailment } DESCRIPTION } The cat-cam command sets up an interactive shell. Here you will } be able to interview a virtual cat. If you wish your cat to } suffer from any one of a standard set of neuroses or psychoses, } use the -a flag with the appropriate ailment. Use the RANDOM } ailment to select a random affliction - after your interview, the } ailment will be revealed, and you can see if you diagnosed corr^C } prompt% cat-cam -afoot_fetish } > here kitty kitty } Segmentation Fault } (core dumped) } prompt% rm core } END GRATUITOUS UNIX INTERACTION HERE } Just be glad it doesn't have an eyelid fetish. As it is, I would } guess that your cat has just discovered that feet are just your } "Friendly pedes pals that're fun to be with," as the ancient Romans } would have put it. Or not. } } You owe the Oracle some kleenex --- 321-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ho Oracle, most wise and watchful tell me this ... > Two witches watch two watches, each witch watches a watch, which witch > watches which watch? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One witch watches watch one while one witch watches watch two. Now, } which watch is watch one, and watched by witch one? Watch one is what } watch which whooshes whenever wind wheedles where willows waver, } whelp. --- 321-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I beseach thee, all knowing, most wise, and so antagonistic Oracle, > who was the greates boxer of all time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Antagonistic? Methinks you need a new dictionary. Surely you meant } antediluvian, anabatic, Anacreontic, anadromous, anaerobic, analeptic, } and not antagonistic. I'm sure it was an honest mistake, so on to your } question. } } The greatest boxer of all time was Vera Ptwalski who worked on the } production line at Kellogg in Battle Creek, Michigan. That girl could } fill a box of cereal in two seconds flat without spilling a flake. } } You owe the Oracle a family-sized box of Rice Krispies. --- 321-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle on High, whose personal Yellow Pages are like > unto the Book of Life Itself, > > I need your divine assistance Immediately. I am Dying > of an Incurable Disease, and have but Eighteen Months in which > to bring my Life to its Close. > > My Dream is to achieve the office of the Presidency of > the United States. Please tell me how I can accomplish > this, my Last Deed on Earth. > > Failing that, I would be Satisfied if I could manage my own > Dairy Queen Brazier, but I Really Really want the Presidency > thing. Thanks a million in Advance. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are in luck, oh unfortunate mortal, for the qualifications for } the Presidency and for the managership of a Dairy Queen Brazier are } remarkably similar. } } The only real snag standing in your way is that of time itself - } with eighteen months to live, you will survive to see the next election } but not the inauguration. Due to the greater level of organization } within the Dairy Queen organization, however, you may be appointed to } manage an outlet at any time. So there are definite advantages to your } second choice, despite its much lesser potential for damage. } } Firstly, you must establish a record of corruption, prejudice, and } mental ineptitude (this is for the office of President; these sterling } qualities, while they place you in the fine company of many great } statesmen of the past, are in fact liabilities within the private } sector) and then do your very best to hide it. Money is helpful here. } Then, you must register as a candidate in one of the two political } parties which are sanctioned to operate in this free society. I'm told } the Democrats are looking for someone. After that, it's just a simple } matter of bringing more attention to your opponents record than he } manages to bring to yours. Money is again useful here. Remember that } you will not live to take office, so your selection of a running mate } is critical if you are to achieve your dream, even vicariously. Then, } when the time comes, stuff all the ballot boxes you can find. } } Assassination, while not too useful a tactic in gaining political } office these days, is absolutely essential in gaining managership of a } fast food outlet if you are in too big of a hurry to go the normal } route. Get a job at any nearby establishment, and then use the tools } you find at hand to food-poison your way right to the top. If you are } not careful, you may get caught; however, this may actually help your } bid for the Presidency. And if you are successful, you can point to } your experience as a leader of the men and women of your Brazier when } establishing your qualifications for leadership of the U.S. } } The Oracle could continue, but believes you have enough to get a start } with, and finds that his dinner is burning, so for now he will leave } you with this advice and will be ready with more when your decision } is made. --- 321-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle splendid and vast, > who leaves lowly mortals aghast, > This question I pose > 'Cause only you knows: > How long does true love last? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear supplicant, you did ask } How long indeed does true love last? } Love that's gentle, love that's true } Love that's not cheapened by movies blue } Love that's genuinely divine } Not the kind that's made by wine } Love that is not what you see } In Hollywood or on cable T.V. } The kind of love 'tween man and wife } That is kept the entire life } Love that's committed, yet not forced } The kind that will never see divorce } } That kind of love divine, my friend, } That kind of love will never end. } } You owe the Oracle an oral reading of the First letter of Paul to the } Corinthians, chapter 13. --- 321-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: PYTHON, MONTY C. > > Lemon curry? > > PYTHON, MONTY C. > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh jeez, not again. Call security, somebody broke out of the } alt.fan.monty-python ward again. You know, you can still become a } productive member of society, it's not too late. Where the hell } is security....Ah, here he comes now. } } [Man dressed in RAF uniform enters] } } "Roight, where is the miscreant?" } Over there, now please hurry. } "Uh, oh. You didn't tell me he was armed." } What are you talking about? } "E's got a banana." } Jeez. [Oracle walks over to supplicant and grabs banana] There. } "Now eat the banana, thus disarming him." } Wait a second, you're one of those Pythonites too, aren't you? } "No." } Are you sure? } "Yes, I've been deliberately wasting your time." } OK, get over there with him then. Well, where's the real security } if that wasn't him. Oh, here he is. } } [Man enters in knickers, moustache, and a knotted handkercheif] } } "Oracle...Oracle...Oracle!" } Yes, yes, over here. Now these two are loonies, and you need to... } "Are...you..the Oracle?" } Yes, yes, now as I was saying, these two..." } "My brain hurts." } Stop it! [Pushes Gumby over with supplicant and RAF officer] } } Help, security, over here. } [Enter two pepperpots] } "Ooh, isn't he a clever little boy, such a clever little boy" } [sighing] Over there with the rest of them then. Come along. } } } } } } "Ah, excuse me, are you that Oracle chap?" } Yeeeeesssss... } "My name is Mr. Teabag, I'm Minister for Applied Silliness. } No your not. } "Excuse me?" } I've seen that episode, you're the 'silly walks' guy. } "No, he was my brother." } No he wasn't } "My sister perhaps?" } GET OVER THERE!!!!! ALLRIGHT! THE NEXT PERSON TO SAY OR DO } ANYTHING FROM A MONTY PYTHON SKETCH GETS IT! } } [A voice speaks up out of the crowd] "I never wanted to be in this } reply anyway, I wanted to..." } THAT DOES IT! [The Oracle pulls a lever, and a 16 ton weight falls } on the lumberjack] } } Who's next? Hahahhahahahahaha! Right, I'm next then. } } You owe the Oracle spam, spam, eggs, sausage, bacon, and spam.