From oracle-request Fri Jun 28 14:16:32 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 28 Jun 91 14:16:32 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #320 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 320 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #320 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 28 Jun 91 14:16:32 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 315 12 votes 44121 12540 15141 16410 13710 11361 52320 32412 42240 35310 315 2.6 mean 2.3 3.0 2.9 2.4 2.7 3.4 2.2 2.8 2.5 2.2 --- 320-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why must my life be a confusing mess of twists and > unconnected scenes Ohh great and mighty Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } See Rod Serling hiding behind that potted palm over there? You } are the latest episode of _The Twilight Zone_. Since I know all, } I know that the airing of your episode will draw a huge rating, } especially since the teasers will include a frame or three from } the scene with the three preteen girls, the llama, and the } chocolate mousse. Naughty, naughty. } } You owe the Oracle a _Twilight Zone_ concordance. } } (argh. Cmon, you can do better than that. The _Twilight Zone_ } schtick has been done before. Think, man, think.) } } (damned check Oracles...) } } Your life is a twisty little maze of disconnected scenes, all } different. } } You owe the Oracle a map of the 400-point Colossal Cave. } } (WHAT?? You wanna get certified as the next Oracle or not? That } answer didn't even wiggle the Oracle-o-meter. One more shot, and } after that, you're history.) } } (whaddya want from me, blood? Oh, all right...) } } Well, let's check the Oracular database: } } (2636327) oracle@oracle386:/usr/oracle $ oracledb } Oracular Database, versio } } (THAT'S IT!! The "check the database bit" is so overused that } Kinzler doesn't even smile when he sees it. Get out! Out!! } OUT!!!!! And don't come back without a signoff from your } Oracularity instructor!!!!) } } (You crotchety old... *SLAM*) } } (Punk kids! When _I_ had to get my Oracle license...) --- 320-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This morning in front of a grocery store I saw a sign that said > "Lays- $.99". I am in love with a girl who works there, should I shell > out the buck(almost) for the (fill this one in yourself)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } iuvax [141]% sleep 'rand($timeofday)' } You have new mail. } iuvax [142]% cat /usr/mail/spool/oracle | oaf -ta | oats -ts } } OAF --- ORACLE Asininity Filter } Version 2.1 } (c) 1991 by The USENET Oracle, Inc. } } Talk mode set. } Processing question....... } } Error 0003: insufficient respect -- no supplication/grovelling } } Warning 1002: overly suggestive question without mention of } the most `loverly' [sic] and delightful Lisa... } } Warning 1025: demeaning sexist reference } } Question appended to output. } } OATS --- ORACLE AuTo-answering Service } Beta Test Version 0.4 } (c) 1991 by The USENET Oracle, Inc. } } Talk mode set. } Question contains one error and two warnings. } Question cannot be answered in humorous fashion. } Warning: service representive may need to be consulted. } "brainless response" flag set. } Random selection of voice mode....pseudo-californian. } Generate answer... } } * Look, dude. Like there aren't any babes, dude, that will do } * anything for a buck, you know? Your overactive imagination, } * dude, is gettin' to you. Wipeout...sorry, dude. You know, } * if you got mucho dinero, you could just ask out the babe... } } Generating bill... } Keyword search returns: } grocery } Lays (potato chips -- with innuendo) } shell (verb) } buck (monetary sense) } Trying permutations... } Combination of third and fourth keywords exceeds cheap-joke } possbility threshold... } } * You owe the Oracle your secret to stuffing dollar bills } * into a walnut and an explanation for why you'd use such } ABEND 24: contact service representative immediately. } * a funny wallet in the first place... } } * You owe the Oracle a copy of "101 Ways to Improve Your Sex } * Life with Potato Chips" sent by Express Mail. } ABEND 24: contact service representative immediately. } } * You owe the Ora } ^C } } Answer and bill sent. } } iuvax [143]% mail servicerep < oats.stupid.answer } Service representative contacted. } iuvax [144]% sleep 'rand($timeofday)' --- 320-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the Oracle still exist??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello, you have reached Bob's all night pizza, we deliver in 20 minutes } or less, or you order is late, May I help you? } } >> Does the Oracle still exist??? } } Hmm, let me check on that one, } *paper noises* } Hmm, no , sorry is that the special pizza that come with a profound } meaning of life? Offer just expired last night, but we could send you } one of our special all meat pizzas- Thats right, five kinds of meat } topping in congealed pork fat(cheeze) topped on an all meat crust- } delivered in an all meat car run on nothing but the mortal remains of } large meaty lizards who lived milions of years ago, and driven by a } former weight lifting champion. } } You owe the Oracle $12.95 plus a tip. --- 320-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise and Omnipotent Oracle, who is wise, all-knowing and kind to > pets, please tell me: > > I've just been shot in the side by my girlfriend. Although the damage > is potentially not fatal, should I remove the bullet myself, or let a > professional bullet remover do it for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong! } } You have not been shot in the side by your girlfriend. } } You have been shot in the side by your ex-girlfriend. } } Now, as you and I both know, the important thing here is to get the } bullet out as quickly as possible. And although a professional bullet } remover would do a much finer job, due to the increasing number of } people getting shot they usually have a waiting list of about 3 weeks, } so you only want to go there if we absolutely cannot get the bullet out } yourself. } } So, let's get started, shall we? } } First, stick your finger into the hole in your side up to the second } knuckle. Does that hurt? I said, "Does that hurt?" Stop screaming and } just answer the question. Oh, it does. } } Ok, fine so far. Can you feel the bullet? You can? Good, that means you } have traced the path of the bullet into your side. Did it go through } your heart? (You can tell if it did, because if it did you will now } feel a rhythmic squeezing on your finger.) No? Good, you may even } survive? What about the lungs? Oh dear, you had better just take } shallow breaths then. } } Now, grab your antigun and point... What do you mean? You know! An } antigun - looks like a gun, but it's made of antimatter and instead of } filling you with lead it... OH! STUPID ME! I'm lost in time again, and } of course it is another 27 years before the discovery of antimatter } stablization. } } Well, this will just have to be done the old fashioned way. Grab your 6 } inch steralised titanium forceps and... No forceps? Really? Well, how } do you expect to get this job done without even the most basic } equipement. Still, the Oracle is a mastermind of improvisation, so grab } a coat hanger. No, a wire coat hanger. Unroll it into a straight piece } of wire, and put a loop on the end. } } We have gotten up to the trickiest bit - anaesthetic. Now that I have } spelled that word correctly, it's all plain sailing. Now I, myself, } prefer a single highland malt anaesthetic, but use whatever is handy } and palatable. Be really careful with the dose - too little and you'll } feel too much pain, too much and you'll pass out. } } So now you are feeling nice and relaxed. This is the big test. Stick } the coat hanger into the hole in your side and try to hook the bullet } with the little loop on the end. Give it three attempts. If, on the } third attempt, you have not succeeded in fishing the bullet out, then } at that stage you should give up and call a professional. Try under "B" } in the yellow pages. } } You owe the Oracle tighter gun control legislation. --- 320-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi there, you scandalous jackdaw, you. I have a craving for this > conversation, I do, I do. It's just goes to show: I have eaten my > shoe. But don't let that get you low and your heart full of glue -- I > type awful slow, but I type stuff to you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hello there yourself, you silly buffoon! } I can tell by your rhyming, you're daft as a loon. } So you crave conversation. That is a sad plight. } Which shoe did you eat, your left or your right? } Don't worry, dear mortal, my heart remains glueless. } As for your slow typing, I'm totally clueless. } Well, it's getting late and I must go away. } Thanks for the great "stuff". Have a nice day. } } You owe the Oracle Emily Dickinson. --- 320-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise and Omnipotent Oracle, who can avoid redundancies, and is wise > and omnipotent, please tell me: > > Being that your are the Oracle and immortal and all, and have seen the > most humorous events in the history of the universe, could you tell me > what the best practical joke played by one person on his/her 11 > housemates is? See, I have 11 housemates who deserve to have it stuck > to them. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 11 housemates? Wow, shower time in the morning must be fun! But I } digress. The Oracle can think of several instances where one person } played a practical joke on 11 housemates with hilarious results, all } resulting in hilarious consequences. However, I think that the "mother } of all practical jokes" would have to be the one played by that old } kidder, Judas Iscariot. He certainly got his 11 housemates all riled } up when he pulled that little stunt in the Garden of Gethsemane. } Especially Simon Peter; what a hothead! Anyway, that joke was great, } except for the fact that Pontius Pilate didn't understand what was } going on. After all, how was he to know that Passover was, in those } days, second only to Ceasar's birthday as a time of mischievous pranks } and hilarious hijinks for the Jews? Anyway, he actually believed the } crowds were serious when they yelled "Crucify him!" and sent poor old } J. C. to his doom. After that, things got a little out of hand. Yaweh } himself even took umbrage at those humans killing his son. As a } result, the last two thousand years have been nothing but trouble for } you humans. Seemingly endless wars, famine and pestilence have made } life a living hell for you poor creatures. However, it certainly has } provided no end of entertainment to us up here on Olympus. Why, even I } got a good chuckle the other day when Mt. Pinatubo coughed up ash all } over Clark Air Base. Not to worry, though. Your penance is almost up. } Sometime in the next few years (I can't reveal exactly when), your } little party down there on Earth will come to a halt when an } overzealous Slovenian rebel accidentally sends a large ICMB hurtling } towards Washington, D. C., thus triggering global thermonuclear } holocaust. } } I'll bet you'll think carefully now about what stunt you pull on your } poor, unsuspecting housemates. } } You owe the Oracle a video of "The Last Temptation of Christ" and Alex } Trebek's home phone number. --- 320-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there a difference between a female bodybuilding contest and a > beauty pageant? Both are judged based on subjective standards of > appearance, after all. > > I await enlightenment... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Subjective? There's nothing subjective about the judging of beauty } contests. It is based on ANSI standard BC-8944, which, in essence, } gives high value to big tits and an airhead smile. ANSI standard } BB-92066-F, female bodybuilding contest, is still under development. } } You owe the Oracle a day as an airhead, just to see what it's like. --- 320-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the capital of Berlin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? No grovel? Do you understand who you are talking to } here? I am the oracle. The greatest, most awesome, amazing entity } in history. But, since I am humble, I shall not punish you. The } fact that you shall smell of rottten fish for the rest of your } life and shall be struck by lightning every couple of weeks is } quite incidental. } } Incidentally, the capital of Berlin is 'B' --- 320-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Internal Revenue Service > Springfield, IL > T. U. Oracle > IUVAX, CS > Indiana, Edu > > Dear T. U. Oracle: > > In reviewing your 1990 Federal Income Tax Return, we have noted > that, while your declared cash income is fairly low ($16.03), you have > listed several (27 pages worth) non-monetary items received as gifts. > For example, there is the "Low-salt butter, 200 lb." valued by you at > $300; "73 assorted women ($730);" "Zalkron Death Laser ($19.95);" > "Motor oil, 50 gal. ($120);" and "Misc. video tapes ($435)." > It is not, strictly speaking, our concern as to what services, in > your self-described occupation as "oracle," you provide which inspires > these "gifts," though you may be advised that we have notified the FBI, > the FTC, and the Treasury Department regarding certain items you > mention. The IRS is, however, interested in reviewing with you the > methods you used to estimate the value of the gifts (most striking is > "6000 pages IBM documentation ($0)"). > We therefore request that you come to our Springfield office, > at the above address, on Monday, July 8, 1991, at 8:30 a.m. Please be > advised that this is a formal proceeding. You are required to bring all > relevant extant documents and receipts supporting your claims. You > may also wish to have a lawyer present. > Sincerely, > > Walter F. Reedman > Chief Tax Auditor And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Walter, Walter, Walter. Such ingratitude. Have you forgotten all I've } done for you over the years? Are you still miffed at me about your } wife? Forgive and forget, Walter, how many times do I have to tell you? } Anyway, I can't make it July 8. Lisa and I will be at the White House. } George is throwing a big week-long retirement shindig for Thurgood, you } know, and, well, it would be rude to miss it for something so trivial. } I'll send my accountant instead, I'm sure he can clear everything up. } You remember my accountant, Hermes, don't you? Just contact him at the } Mount Olympus office if you have any questions. Say hello to the } missus. } } You owe the Oracle a stack of 1040 forms, as a gift, of course. --- 320-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Before you I snivel like a coward. > In your high presence I wilt in shame. > Favor this low thing with an answer. > > Why do fraternity boys howl? > > - Jeff the Noisy Colony And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mortal be joyous that I am in a generous mood, for your } genuflection is an abomination. You sound more like a child who was } caught doing something rotten instead of a true supplicant; but, because } I am The Oracle and I know why you are asking this question, I will } forgive you. } Now your question is "Why do fraternity boys howl?" There are } three reasons why fraternity boys howl. The first is to empty as much } of their internal cavities as possible before taking part in the } shotgunning of beers. The second is to deafen the warning bells of a } sorority girl's conscience after she shotgunned a beer or two. The last } is while they are ... well I won't go into that but you know what comes } after the first two. } You owe The Oracle a blond buxom tri-delt.