From oracle-request Sat May 25 16:24:25 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 25 May 91 16:24:25 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #310 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 310 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #310 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 25 May 91 16:24:25 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 305 13 votes 10552 05620 13342 13342 03613 21541 14422 02362 14251 20632 305 3.2 mean 3.5 2.8 3.2 3.2 3.3 3.1 3.0 3.6 3.1 3.2 --- 310-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings oh all powerful Oracle. I have a problem, and since your > wisdom is by far the greatest ever conceived on this planet, I > humbly ask for your assistance... > > It all started three nights ago, when a few of my friends and I were > playing a Dragonlance(tm) Adventure. Suddenly, a hyperdimensional > vortex opened in the dorm room and transported us to another realm. > In this realm, we have all been transformed into the characters that > we were playing in the game. Now I don't mind not ever being able to > return to my own world. What I want to know is... how can I get a date > with this hot Elven babe that's been adventuring with us since we > arrived? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah! Hot elven babes! I personally once had a thing for hot elven } babes, but that was before I met Lisa. However, since I am the } Oracle, an infinitely cool and spectacularly sexy deity, I usually had } no problem getting harem upon harem of hot elven babes. You, however, } are obviously not as sexually attractive as I am...after all, you were } playing a Dragonlance(tm) Adventure, instead of a superior game of the } gods, like, say, Call of Cthulhu--named after my good buddy Bob } Cthulhu. Now Bob and I have been seducing, dating, and doing the } Olympic thing with hot elven babes ever since Hera started keeping } Zeus away from them (sorry Z-man). Of course, I have unlimited } knowledge, and Bob has, well, huge tracts of tentacles. You, poor } mortal, lack both. Worse still, hot elven babes live for centuries, } while you can only keep it up for a couple of hours at best... } } But still, there is hope! Simply use my superior ORACLE (Orgasmically } Righteous Attempts to Cuddle Lady Elves)(tm) technique: } } -------------------------------DETACH } HERE------------------------------ } } You, yes you, are now the owner of the Orgasmically Righteous Attempts } to Cuddle Lady Elves handbook of the gods. Now, in the past, you } might have been subjected to total rejection. In fact, those luscious } elven babes may have turned down your puny little mortal pick-up lines } and struck you with lightning at the same time. This is bad. But } now, you are the proud owner of ORACLE(tm), a handbook of lust and } bravado which will NEVER FAIL to pick up LUSTY ELVEN BABES! } } How to use ORACLE (tm): } } Part I: Identify ELVEN BABE. } } Now, your average mortal thinks he has never seen an ELVEN BABE. This } is because your average mortal--hell, *every* mortal--lacks the } superior and supreme knowledge available only to the Oracle (and Bob). } "What is this superior knowledge?" you ask, begging in your suppliant } little mortal way. Well, the superior knowledge which *you now own* } is what ELVEN BABE really means, that's right: } } Easy-Looking...*Very* Easy...Nice Bouncy And Boyfriendless Elf } } Part II: Identify gender of ELVEN BABE. } } Being a mere mortal, you might not have realized that many Male Elves, } as well as Female ones, can turn out to be Easy-Looking...*Very* } Easy...Nice Bouncy And Boyfriendless Elves. Since you have not } specified your own gender in your supplication, I shall assume you are } neuter. I am sorry, but there are NO neuter Elves. Hera had been } experimenting with the idea for a few years, but Zeus threatened to zap } all those golden apples of hers with lightning, so she decided maybe } not. Anyway, if, despite your lack of gender, you have a preference for } a particular Elf Gender, here is how I, the omniscient, omnipotent, } omnifornicant Oracle determine it: } } I know it! I know everything! Ha Ha!!!! } } This, however, will not work for you. If it did, you wouldn't need } ORACLE (tm). Here is the ORACLE(tm) method for mortals: } } SQUEEZE. Slowly, Quietly, Undo Each Elven Zipper Erotically. Do this } *very* carefully. I cannot stress enough how carefully you must } perform the SQUEEZE. Improper and/or inept performances of the } SQUEEZE have led to severe injury and/or death. Ever hear of Sadi the } Eunuch? Actually, he's a neuter, just like you. What an improperly } done SQUEEZE might lead to in a neuter case is imaginable only by me, } the Oracle (and Bob, since he administers the punishment), and believe } me--you want to make *sure* that the SQUEEZE is properly performed. } } Part III: } } Seduce ELVEN BABE. This is very difficult....Remember, Elves, with } their infravision, can tell who's hot and who isn't. In the event } that you are mortal, which you are, you are usually not hot...In fact, } you are *definitely* not hot. However, ORACLE(tm) provides a } fail-safe method to make ELVEN BABEs *think* you are hot: } } TORCH. Take Out Ribbed Condom, Human. Most gods, who are, } by definition, hot, handle ELVEN BABEs only with the best sexual } devices around...It is an utter *myth* that Vulcan only got Aphrodite } by Zeus's command. Vulcan is the guy who made the vibrator Riff-Raff } uses on Frank in Rocky Horror. ELVEN BABEs go *nuts* over Vulcan. } He's a *wild* man with lots of neat devices. Besides, he's got pointy } ears, and he's Ooooh so logical. You too can cash in on the wisdom of } the mighty gods. By taking out a ribbed condom--lubricated to prevent } friction burn--you will trick ELVEN BABEs into thinking that you are } actually hot. This is a good thing. } } Part IV: Survive sex with ELVEN BABE. } } Even for the gods, surviving sex with ELVEN BABEs can be difficult. } This is because their wives always find out. How do you think Bob got } all those tentacles? You, however, have been sucked into another } dimension, so your wife/husband/neuter s.o. is completely unimportant, } unless he/she/it is with you at the moment. If this is the case, you } may want to purchase MENAGE (Many Elves Naked And Groping } Everybody)(tm). This, however, is Bob's idea, and to tangle in } another god's territory is usually not a good idea. } } But let's say your significant other is either non-existent or left } behind in another dimension...or a vegetable, like the last guy who } tried to pick up Lisa. Now, if this is the case, you're in business. } Just use *lots* of lubrication. Lack of lubrication will result in } friction burns that'll make Sodom and Gemora look like snow cones. } Actually, Sodom and Gemora are the way they are today because there } were a couple of God's favorite nymphs hanging out in one of the } public baths with Pubius Al'Ofar, the President of the United } Sodomites League, and, well, he didn't properly administer the SQUEEZE } and...the rest is history. } } Part V: Pay the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle the hot elven babe's phone number, a pack of ribbed } Trojans (unused), and a bucket of KY. --- 310-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most audacious Oracle, > > Please hurry, great Oracle - I am being chased everywhere by four > zombie processes, and no matter what directory I try to hide in they > find me. I have tried throwing waits, waitpids, kills, and yes, > even wildcards at them, but the darned varments just keep on coming > back at me. I cannot escape - aargh - one nearly got me then - and > I just killed one by hurling a fortran compiler manual at it (what > else is it any good for), but that was my last weapon! What should > I do great Oracle? Should I take my rm * and commit suicide? > > Yours in haste, > > /usr/distressed/on_last_legs And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lead them carefully to /usr/news. After they begin their feeding } frenzy, quietly leave the area. Garbage to feed them will never stop } flowing in, so they will never have a chance to finish and start } looking for you again. } } You owe the Oracle your alias for alt.personals. --- 310-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where do babies come from? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Catholics. } } You owe the Oracle a Papal audience. --- 310-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > tellme a question, please tell me And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've often thought that breasts are the best use of fat since bacon. } Why are they so damn interesting? --- 310-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most omniscient and wealthy of all Oracles, > Why was I screwed over once again by the financial aid people, > such that I can no longer afford to go to school? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In order to provide the most complete understanding of the } decision-making process, the Oracle will allow you to eavesdrop on the } thoughts of the financial aid officer who reviewed your case. } } Application number 3045... god, I'm bored... well, let's see what he } wants... self-supporting... decent grades... past history... god, I'm } bored... and hungry. I wonder if it's time for lunch yet? Only 10:45? } Shit. I'm hungry. Maybe I'll go get a doughnut. No, too fat. Have } to stay on the diet. Coffee? Indigestion. Hungry! Shit... Forms } filled out properly... How many more of these things to go? That } many? Shit. God, I'm bored... Should I approve his request? No good } reason not to. Approved the last six in a row, though. Make a nice } change to reject one... Pretty new secretary. Nice ass. Good legs. } Ask her to lunch? Wonder if she'd be into... that'd be fun. Lunch. } Hungry! ...horny, too. Approve or reject? Reject, what the hell... } Application number 3046... god, I'm bored... } } You owe the Oracle two tickets to the Mets/Pirates game. Behind first } base, please. --- 310-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I really a rat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A rat? A RAT?? YOU call yourself a RAT??? Take a good look at } yourself. Go ahead: Take a GOOOOD look. Does THAT look like a RAT? } Why, on your best day, in a heavy fog, you wouldn't fool a blind } drunken flea into taking you for a rat. Compared to you, rats are } noble, aristocratic beasts, with high moral standards and a powerful } self image. } } You? A *RAT*? } } Don't make me laugh. } } You owe the Oracle a better guess. --- 310-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW [name changed -sk] > > if mary is quite contrary, then how does her garden grow? > > CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, RICHARD MATTHEW CALBRAITH, student, it is precisely because she is } so contrary that her garden does grow! Indeed, Mary is one of the most } cantankerous and ornery she-devils in nursery rhyme history. I remember } the time she beat up both the Dish and the Spoon, but I digress. She } doesn't grow cockle shells or junk like that really. She grows produce } in her garden that thrives on conflict. Not all foliage thrives on } friendliness and good vibes. Some waste away if you don't get in their } 'face' and really harass them. Sometimes Mary stays up all night } castigating her onions, telling them that they'll never amount to } anything. But she grows the biggest onions in all of nursery land. } They do it just to spite her. She's been known to get into the most } spectacular rows with her rhubarb patch too. Both sides love to fight. } They just wouldn't be happy if they didn't. That's where the term } 'rhubarb' in referance to a fight or a scuffle came about, by the way. } So, fighting with one's garden is not as counterproductive as you might } think. I think you'd really like Mary, judging by the way you SHOUT } your name, RICHARD MATTHEW CALBRAITH! } } You owe yourself a date with Mary in the near future. } You owe the Oracle a copy of Kitty Kelly's new book about Mother Goose. --- 310-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW [name changed again, > same asker as before -sk] > oh great oracle tell me of my future in life with the women???? > > CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [Scene 1. A clearing in a dense, steamy jungle. The light is vaguely } reddish, and the foliage has an otherworldly look to it. This is not } surprising, since we are on another world. Peculiar birds flit from } tree to tree. A party of uniformed men enters the clearing. In the } lead is CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student, leading this exploration of } a new planet.] } } CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student [stopping, and dropping his heavy } pack] A clearing? A clearing? This looks like a good place to break } for the night, men. Take five. } } First Officer: Shall I post guards, CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student? } } CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Guards? Guards? No, First } Officer, it doesn't seem necessary. We've seen no signs of predators. } } [At that moment, armed warriors spring out of the forest on all signs. } Energy bolts fly, men scream with pain, smoke obscures the view. } CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student is hit from behind, and all goes } black.] } } [Scene 2. A cave, richly furnished, and lit by some form of soft, } artificial light. CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student lies on a couch. } He wakes.] } } CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student [groaning] Oh, my head. Where am I? } Where am I? } } Voluptuous Woman: You are in the cave of our Queen. } } CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Queen? Queen? Who are you, and } where are my men? } } Voluptuous Woman: They have been taken to other places. You are to } remain here. } } CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Remain here? Remain here? What } does that mean? } } VW: You are now the consort of the Queen. She liked your buns. } } CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Consort? Consort? But what about } my studies? My doctorate? } } VW: I know nothing of these "studies" and "doctorate" of which you } speak, but you must forget them. You shall live here in luxury for all } your days. And many of your nights. That is, of course, until you run } dry. } } CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student: Run dry? Run dry? What do you } mean? } } VW: Ah, I see you are unfamiliar with our ways. Our queen is very } vigorous, and uses up men within a few weeks. Thereafter, they are } turned over to the kitchens, slaughtered, roasted and stuffed for the } royal tables. } } CALBRAITH, RICHARD MATTHEW, Student [hysterically] Stuffed? Stuffed? } You can't do that! I've got rights! I'll complain to the dean!! } } VW: Oh, be quiet, you twit. } } You owe the Oracle a good wine to go with your liver, fried with } onions. --- 310-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I know I should really flatter you lots and lots, seeing as you're a > real big deity and all, but, to be honest, I'm just too depressed to > do all that happy flattering stuff, so I'm just going to ask you my > question. Sorry. > You see, two days ago, this group of aliens landed in my Rice > Krispies. Now, I know this is nothing unusual, since Snap, Crackle, > and Pop have long been known to hang out with extra-dimensional beings > like Elvis and his ghost. But the thing is, I can't get these aliens > to go away. Yesterday, they started throwing little pickles at me > during my orgo exam, and today, I caught four of them flirting with my > girlfriend. This is bad. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle understands your plight, and just this once I will accept } depression as an excuse for not flattering me to the extent I truly } deserve. However, in the interest of not setting some sort of } precedent, I'm going to have to toast the next person who attempts the } "oh, I'm down in the dumps so here's my question" line. Nothing } personal. Just my job. Got to act professional. } } As for the aliens, I'm afraid that your problem is more serious than } you think. Snap, Crackle and Pop have been on the run from them for a } long time -- ever since they broke their contract with the Keebler } Elves (back when the elves worked the Keebler shortbread mines for } pennies a day, and didn't have enough clout with managment to make it } into the commercials) and ran off in search of loose Smurfettes. The } brass at Keebler, hoping to keep the rest of the elves in line, sent } out for the 'aliens' you've spotted -- acutally Bounty Hunter Fairies. } Armed with the same tracking skills that enable the Tooth Fairy to find } every newly-lost tooth, and lethal magic wands, these Bounty Hunter } Fairies are very dangerous foes. This, of course, is what drew Snap, } Crackle, and Pop to the protection of the all-powerful Kellog Empire in } Battle Creek, Michigan, a cartel of sugar-dealers. Not even the Bounty } Hunter Fairies are willing to cross Tony "The Tiger" and "Toucan" Sam. } } Now, if the Fairies are waiting in your place, that's a serious change } in the corporate balance of power. It means that Keebler has gotten } big enough that it can afford to cross Kellog's, and is probably } willing to challenge it in the lucrative sugar-dealing trade. Perhaps } Keebler's has finally cemented some sort of alliance with strongman } General Mills and his organization, long rivals of the Kellog's clan. } Hmmm.... Could be an all-out gang war on our hands soon. Next time } you pour a bowl of Rice Krispies and Snap, Crackle and Pop show up to } do their thing, they'll get rubbed out by the Bounty Hunters, leading } to reprisal after reprisal in an unending spiral of violence. } } So I recommend switching to Quaker Oatmeal. Once the Fairies realize } that Snap and co. won't be showing up, they'll take off. } Unfortunately, so will your girlfriend, since she's taken a liking to } them and their magic wands. Then tip of Kellog's, so they realize what } the Fairies are up to. This should head off any destructive gang wars } in the near future. So cheer up a bit. } } You owe the Oracle 2 kilos of powdered sugar, and a vial of rock candy. --- 310-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle, please grep your vast stores of knowledge > and answer my query: > > I have been helping my girlfriend with her computer assignments, > but now she has me stumped. I've learned VMS for Vax, and CMS for > IBM, but she tells me she's having trouble with PMS. Can you > enlighten me as to what platform PMS runs on, and what notable > features it provides? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First you need to understand a little Latin. There is suffix form } that uses -gina for the feminine and -x for the masculine. The } best-known words following this format are the Latin words for } king and queen: rex and regina. } } Hence we deduce that a vax is actually a masculinized vagina. } And hence we deduce that PMS is to the vagina what VMS is to } the vax. } } VMS and PMS have pretty much the same features, as anyone } familiar with both could tell you. Both are prone to trouble- } some emotionalness, and alarming mood swings. } } It should be noted that VMS was created mostly by men, and } that these men often acted as if they were suffering from a } "virtual menstrual syndrome." They made highly emotional } decisions, like not putting in some great TOPS-20 features } because they were thought up by somebody in another part } of DEC . . . } } One popular operating system that doesn't suffer from cyclical } hormonal syndromes is Eunuchs.