From oracle-request Sun May 12 08:16:52 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 12 May 91 08:16:52 -0500 From: To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #304 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: "9e\S&XFxP?L)~?^jbHC!$jk5#O}v\n#nwz8'd$#(H,+B4n<^{GSCr,![PCrQOV1 nW{vh|Ev<)b!y?'?aysJ)3YJ_/sOl@a'lKaG,uk|Xh3mR+xa]XJ!$vqAjQe?.nst;0/"u?M2K~rC6k~ |)'uWrn%alJW'QwwJJ441kc,m.C!?:EP49(+ X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 304 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #304 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 12 May 91 08:16:52 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 299 20 votes 13664 24257 34463 13952 49430 06b21 32654 37910 44921 47441 299 2.9 mean 3.5 3.5 3.1 3.2 2.3 2.9 3.3 2.4 2.6 2.5 --- 304-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHY IS THERE SEVEN DAYS IN A WEEK? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's editor has corrected your question: } } > WHY ARE THERE SEVEN DAYS IN A WEEK? } } And then the Oracle was able to ponder deeply. } } Many, many years ago, some say before Ronald Reagan was born, } only five days were in a week. The days Monday through } Friday were used because no concept of the weekend had evolved. } Everybody was happy working five out of five days. } } Years later, during the Great Depression, a great many people } were unable to find work. People complained bitterly that they } weren't able to work 100% of the time, and the government, of } course, intervened. It was decreed that two extra days, Saturday } and Sunday, would be added to each week. The government was } satisfied because unemployment had dropped by 29%. } } Congress is currently debating a bill to reduce unemployment by } adding an additional day to the week. Taxday would be inserted } between Wednesday and Thursday. No work would be done but taxes } would be collected on the wages you should have been earning. } } You owe the Oracle one day's pay. --- 304-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need to purchase a Doberman. What company manufactures them, and > where should I take it to get it serviced? > > main(){int *mouse;for(*mouse=0;*mouse<5;*mouse++){SQUEAK}} > > ps: Is it against the law to cut the label off the Doberman? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Several fine firms manufacture Dobermans now that the patent protection } has run out. Only one firm has the rights (in the U.S., anyhow) to the } name "Doberman": Doberman America, but other firms manufacture } equivalent dogs -- identical dogs, in fact. } } Other American firms are U. S. Attack Dogs, Doberdyne (winner of } several recent government Doberman contracts for special olive-drab } Dobermans), Dobermory, and Dobriety. Prices are similar. } } Consider an Asian-made Doberman. Osaka Canines makes a reliable model } at a reasonable price, as does Nigra Sum Sed Formosa Dogs of Taipei. } Recent production under license by Dai Sun Puk Animals of Korea has } resulted in some exceedingly inexpensive Dobermans. } } Service is a problem except with the Doberman America dogs, which have } a huge service network of pet stores throughout North America, Europe, } and Australia. Dobriety has a contract with Firestone to do service on } Dobermans, but quite frankly the expertise of the Firestone people is } questionable. Osaka Canines has Authorized Service Centers set up in } major American and European cities, with toll-free numbers in the U. S. } Dai Sun Puk products are reliable and cheap enough to throw out if they } break, and may be the best choice. They are also especially delicious. } } You owe the Oracle a rawhide chew toy. --- 304-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, my doctor has prescribed 10% Tincture of Girl for me, two > teaspoons a day before bedtime. Why? What is it supposed to do for > me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is very lazy. Very VERY lazy. In particular, too lazy to } check to see what sex you happen to be. So, there are three } possibilities: } } 1) You are female. Your doctor is a hack analyst who has convinced you } that there is such a thing as Tincture of Girl, and has prescribed it } to you in the hopes that you will believe that it increases your breast } size and improves the quality of the skin, so that you will have a } better self image. It's a bunch of crap, of course, but who knows? } Stranger things work if you really believe in them. If it works, you } owe the Oracle a date. } } 2) You are male. Your doctor has a name like "Frankenstein" and has a } gnarled little assistant named "Igor" or "Boris" or something like that } there. His labora...er...office is filled with strange machines and } blinking lights and empty cages. He is transforming you into a woman } to marry his monstrous creation which lives in the dungeon. Boris is } the result of an earlier, failed experiment. Acquire a taste for } mascara. You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding. } } 3) Other. Green butterflies are circling your head, and the other } snake has gone away. The walls tell you that Thursday is larger than } Richard Nixon. You owe the Oracle two hits of whatever you're doing. --- 304-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, whose oranges are like unto melons, and > whose pecans are like unto Brazil nuts, > > What could possibly be more holy than crossword puzzles? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a devotee of the Acrostic Church, a rare but ludicrous backwater in } the toxic waste-poisoned river of western religion! To enlighten those } unfamiliar with Acrosticism, the Oracle will quote today's reading from } the Book of the Prophet Maleska [(c) New York Times, 1991]. "23 Across } Handsome, mascular guy" From the deep meanings of these, the words of } God as transcribed by Maleska, the Acrostics divine the true structure } of the world, the fate of mankind after death, and what is an } eight-letter word for "Grebe". } } But let us to the question at hand. The Oracle does not wish to muddy } your clear view of eternity, O Faithful One, but many things are more } holy by far than crossword puzzles. Indeed, in Brumacher's } Cosmological Catalogue of All That Holy, crossword puzzles only rate } #54,346. Brumacher, of course, used the standard formula for } normalizing holiness, balancing devotion against number of devotees. } Just to put that in perspective, the ten objects immediately more holy } than crossword puzzles are: } } 54,345) The lightbulb inside the refrigerator. } 54,344) That little spring inside a red Bic Click pen. } 54,343) Page 112 of the Penguin edition of "The Hobbit". } 54,342) Carol Burnett, but only in re-runs. } 54,341) Blue bread mold. } 54,340) Leptons. } 54,339) George Bush's fibrillating arteries. } 54,338) Dog vomit. } 54,337) A 1909 S Lincoln-head penny in very fine condition. } 54,336) Thumb nail clippings. } } You owe the Oracle a nine-letter word for "Woman with insatiable sexual } appetites," and her phone number. --- 304-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many roads must a man walk down? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, a very Dylanesque question, I must say. And even though you failed } to regale the Almighty Oracle with a modicum of grovelling, the fine } spring weather inside has put me in such a good mood, that I will } condescend myself to answer this question without your obsecration. } } How many roads... road, in this case implies a lane or avenue or path } of transportation. This is not to be confused with the past tense of } ride. But then you knew that, since it would be silly to pluralize } the past tense of a verb, not to mention being grammatically absurd. } } must a man.... or woman, as the case may be. Man in this case implies } an adult human. It can, in fact, imply any sentient, cognizant being } with or without humanoid characteristics. In order to simplify this } answer, we will assume it means the basic, bi-pedal, mortal humanoid. } } man walk... walk, of course, indicating any means of transport on this } "road". This walk could be a desperate crawl or a hurried sprint. The } walk could in be a bicycle ride, or the carefree, childish act of } skipping. If it were winter, it might be a trek on skis or skates. } It could be an automobile ride, or a gnarly, skateboard slalom. } It could even be the propulsion of a humanoid by means of moving the } pedal appendages forward, one after the other.... oh, that's a walk. } The point is that we have some means of propelling the man down the } road. } } walk down... down is not necessarily a direction or indication of } declination. When used with the verb walk, down becomes a fairly } useless adverb, probably included to ensure proper iambic pentameter. } It could be replaced by any number of other adverbs, such as along or } through or by way of. One might think that down refers to the } traversing of a hill or knoll, but if this were the case, the walk } could very easily turn into a soap-box derby race, provided of course } that soap-boxes, wheels and racers were available. } } So, my non-self-debasing friend, in answer to your poorly stated } question: What is the number of avenues of transportation that a } bi-pedal, mortal humanoid must propel itself along? } } The answer is eleven. } } You owe the oracle a copy of Bob Dylan does Bon Jovi, and a new } thesaurus. --- 304-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would the Animal Rights people do, if computer mice > were really genetically engineered versions of the > Real Thing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You *are* a twisted sort, aren't you? } } Fortunately, you've come to the right place. The Oracle (hi, there) } has been privy (so to speak) of some of the most demented questions in } the history of Homo sapiens, and so is uniquely qualified to request a } major government grant for a scientific inquiry into this scenario. } } We set up our initial conditions for this scenario as follows: } } (a) In conjunction with the Xerox Star project, Xerox PARC contracts } with a genetics research corporation to develop a white-rat } interface. The rat would have three small buttons wired into its } tiny little brain; the left button would cause the left hind leg } to gyrate wildly, the right button would cause the same thing in } the right hind leg, and the middle button would cause both hind } legs to flail about. Attached to each hind leg was a small } accelerometer, which when activated, would transmit a radio signal } to a receiver inside the workstation. This was only the } prototype---the goal would be eventually to create a rat which had } a sensitive nose and ears, and would generate specific ultrasonic } squeaks, thereby giving away its position on the table, and which } feature had been pressed. } } (b) Nearly a decade later, Apple Corporation would come out with a } rat interface which would emit a squeak if the user tapped its } head with a small rubber mallet. } } (c) At the beginning, only the long-term antivivisectionist leagues } would be in place; the more-radical organizations would not exist } yet. } } Our results, unfortunately, weren't too surprising. The Oracle } Research Center (ORC) found that, in the simulation, nobody noticed the } Xerox PARC project. It was only after the Apple mallet-rat entered the } picture that organizations began protesting, but even then, the } expected uproar didn't occur. } } It was only after we incorporated a four-point scenario which involved } a feline static-guard (a cat, wired into ground, which the user touched } to discharge any static electricity) that several of the more radical } blocs began appearing in the simulation. Nobody really seemed to care } about the mice, but introducing the cat brought about a flurry of } literature and protests on the part of these new groups. } Counterprotest, it was noted, was mostly ineffective, as it seemed that } the computer manufacturers couldn't get the necessary rock stars to } make a video promoting feline static-guards. Note that in the } simulation, there were approximately 12 million rat interfaces, and } only *one* cat. } } It is notable that the situation worsened when we replaced the cat with } a simian (specifically, a gibbon). None of the simulated animal-rights } literature even mentioned the rats, but the portfolios of the gibbon } went on for page after page. } } You owe the Oracle one cat. --- 304-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Wumpus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ^[[;H^[[2J > ############################################################# And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has sent a representative to solve this problem... } } LRLRRLRRRLRLLRR } } ___-----_____ } _-^^ ^^^^---____ } [ ^-___-/\-_ } [ X \ } --_ [ __ \ } \___---[ _-' `-____--`o } \ / \ /------___\ /-\ / } \ \ \ \ \\ \\ } // // // // } YOU KILLED MY BLOODY RAT!!! } } You owe the oracle 1 corn pea, and a better drawn rat --- 304-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Since you know all there is to know, maybe you can answer this question > that has haunted me since I was but a youngun. > > Why do I always lose one of my socks and gain an extra hanger in my > closet? What *is* the coonection? > > I eagerly await your response. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, oh, why must I waste precious minutes on questions, when the } answer can be found on Nova? } } Oh, very well. I will quote from Nova - Tuesday May 28, 1991: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Time...space...nature.... } } Since the dawn of time, man has sought to answer the questions that } plague his very existence: "WHY are we here?", "Why are WE here?", } "Why are we HERE?" and "What about socks and coathangers?". Okay, so } maybe you never wondered about that last one. But Andy Rooney has, so } we'll answer the question in the hopes that his column will go on to } something more interesting. Like swimsuits. I really like swimsuits. } Especially the ones with the itty-bitty straps that move around when } the women walk, and the ones that show every contour of the OW! } alright, alright! } } NOVA PRESENTS } Socks and Coathangers - The secret symbiosis of the species. } } Neither the sock nor the common hanger are indigenous to the } Americas. Some ecologists now believe that socks were accidentally } introduced to this continent by Scottish and German immigrants. Dr. } Hofkrank explains his theory: } } Well, first, there is a, mmm, strong resemblence between the } Scottish traditional clothing and the American Argyle sock, a } species which has suprised us all by flourishing outside of it's } habitat, even threatening at times, to drive out the black businees } sock, introduced in the early 1900's by the British. } } Second, we notice the tendency for those who wear argyle socks, } not to wear underwear. We, have studies this, er, at length,, and } believe this to be the due to the Scottish influence of the socks. } Well, certainly, no self respecting black business sock wearer } would be caught dead without underwear. And we've verified this, } too! All black business sock wearers who've died in the past year, } were wearing underwear. 'Course, we can't observe them when } they're alive, because of the smell. It drives our bow ties crazy. } } Finally, we notice the pattern and the resemblance between the } argyle sock and the white sport sock. Both are neither left-foot } nor right-foot oriented. They both have the little extra stretchy } part for the heel, and they also have the little lip at the top } that tends to curl over when the sock gets old. } } Many people have critized Dr. Hofkrank's theories, saying that socks } evolved with the rest of the clothing and is a descendant of an } illegitimate mating between the sandal and the glove. Some of his more } rabid critics claim that Hofkrank himself is, in a word, flat out } nutso. Make that three words. Dr. Hofkrank argues this poin: } } I am not flat out nutso! } } One thing is certain, though. By 1929 there were entirely too many } socks. The New York Sock Exchange suddenly realized that they could } simply pluck the things in the wild and not have to pay anything for } them. The bottom fell out of the market and America was plunged into } the great Deppression. The government hired crop sprayers to } exterminate the wild species. They tried Detergents, dyes and } bleaches, but still the species prevailed. Then, in 1936, a literature } student of USCSDSGS U stumbled upon the idea of using a natural enemy } of the sock to weed out the species. After some research, he decided } that the coat hanger would be the best candidate. He was right and his } discovery led to a master's degree in Ecology. Unfortunately, he had } wanted to go into literature. Not knowing what to do with this cruel } blow fate had struck him across the cheek, right between his left ear } and the left corner of the lip, where it stung him when he tried to } smile, he, uh. I'd better start over. Not know what to do with this } cruel blow that fate had struck him, he committed suicide and wrote a } book about it. } } His idea, though, was a success. Not only did the coat hangers succeed } in restoring the ecological balance, but they actually proved viable in } maintaining that balance naturally. At first, government formed the } Ickological Restoration of Socks program (They never have been good } spellers) to perform regular surveys and issue sock hunting licenses to } help reduce the population. However, after Argylegate, the press } convinced the public that this responsibility should be left in the } hands of the public. Thus was it agreed that, when a person reaches } the legal voting age in the USA, by registering for the draft, he } agrees to take on all sock-related ecological responsibilities in his } household. } } What you, as a concerned (or apathetic, since there seem to be a lot of } you) citizen can do to maintain your sock collection: } } 1) Wash them regularly. If you do not, their natural odor will attract } other socks and they will begin breeding out of control. } 2) Destroy them in pairs only. This is the only humane way to do it, } as socks mate for life. } 3) Never store socks in the same area as coat hangers. The hangers are } indiscriminate eaters and will eat until they're so twisted that } they're no longer good for breaking into cars. } 4) If you find you have too many socks, wash them more often. This } will slowly reduce their population by draining them of their natural } dyes. } 5) If you find you have too few socks, you should check you coat hanger } population and further isolate the two. } } Next week on Nova: } High powered business men who pick their noses } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Well, there you have it. In a nutshell, from a nut. } } You owe the Oracle two hundred toes cut from virgin wool socks. --- 304-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I speak three languages. Does that make me a cunning linguist, > and, if so, why is it still so damned hard to pick up women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has made a connection between the words linguist and } the ability to pick up women. Unfortunately, skills like these } are only useful at )(^&G:VDOP#^% } } message from CPU-93n3 to Oracle: } !Phonetic checker delayed. Sorry, O great Oracle. } ! } !Possible play on words exists: } ! "so damned hard" --> possible reference to male genitalia. } ! Reason: "so damned hard", four letter word ending in "ck", } ! and "women" used in close proximity. } !Reason code=CPV303 } } Sorry about that. We've been running into some delays due to } our large batch job (earth). My phonetic checker indicates you } have asked a sexual question. I concur. I will forward your } message to the most experienced sexologist on earth. } } Forward-to: in%"Ted.Kennedy%waste.corrupt.org@senate.gov" } ^Z --- 304-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > Are there any other uses for a penis besides urination and sex? > Feminists claim that it can be used to oppress women, but that doesn't > sound like that much fun and anyhow I don't see how to use it that way. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, they say it makes a great hood ornament...