From kinzler Fri Apr 19 08:32:03 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 08:32:03 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #293 Reply-To: oracle-vote X-Face: %Mz-_My%|8Y#+Dghgh,Owh]Y.wswC(Sr"9$Yxo>,y2|lC]st $*`Oi=Xk;O-^xC=eu>[1;(HMb(!:`;V$i'=z{ZjV x.g*4`x70T3%o3O=[3*ZxF6Z12vu` X-Planation: X-Face can be viewed with "faces". From the iuvax archive today. === 293 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #293 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 19 Apr 91 08:32:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 288 15 votes 43620 02256 12732 11265 66300 11670 23631 53601 25260 21525 288 3.0 mean 2.4 4.0 3.2 3.9 1.8 3.3 2.9 2.3 2.8 3.5 --- 293-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh DuperWiseOracle, > > Please tell me: > What is exactly autocorrelation ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Unwise Human Peon: } } Autocorrelation is an extremely difficult concept to describe without } the use of hyper-dimensional extrapolatory group theory, a theory not } yet invented (by humans, of course it is known to the Oracle). However, } the Oracle in all its wisdom has developed a technique by which } autocorrelation can be easily demonstrated in a do-it-yourself fashion. } } 1. Get a minimum of three (3) automobiles, no older than the 1989 } model year. Pontiac Formulae and any Rolls Royce have been shown to } give the best result, but in emergency cases any vehicle over $15,000 } should give decent data. } } 2. Let one of the vehicles stand parked in a bad neighbourhood } overnight. Make a careful list of all the dents, scratches and stolen } parts. } } 3. Repeat the procedure with a different vehicle. Compare the lists. } If the list lengths differ by more than 50%, discard the lists, vehicles } and repeat steps 1-3. } } 4. Torch all three vehicles; do not extinguish the fire until the } first car explodes. } } 5. This procedure is intended to maximize the autocorrelation, } therefore: } a. The unscratched car will explode, thus removing one reason the } autos did not already correlate very well. } b. Flames and flying debris will duplicate any harm done to the } other one of the surviving vehicles. If that is not possible, } the region in which the fault existed will get wiped out by the } blaze, on both cars. } } As you most certainly can see when you perform this experiment, the } latter two autos will correlate very well. } } You owe the Oracle a good, expensive bonfire. --- 293-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most wise and all knowing Oracle. The benevolent despot of all he > surs (and not bad looking too.) Please pity me and answer this qustion > for me.. > > How come there is only one female smurf? There are, at last count, over > 40 smurfs in the village yet smurfette is never pregnant! Is Papa Smurf > keeping a harem somewhere? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, the number of times I have had to explain this. And they wonder why } I am suicidal! } } Smurfs do not have two sexes! They reproduce by budding, like yeast, } but they have a fiercely high mutation rate, which accounts for } individual differences. Papa Smurf is the parent of them all. All of } them were budded from "him" -- one could just as well call Papa Smurf an } "it" -- and they are all little sexless blue monsters. Smurfs like to } gain the sympathy of humans by pretending to have two sexes. Now, } ingestion of certain toxic mushrooms will cause the growth of long hair } on Smurfs and the acquisition of certain characteristics that } approximate those of human females. Lots of Smurfs ingest such fungi in } an attempt to change, but the toxins usually kill them -- only one in } hundreds that try will survive to change into the pseudo-female form } known as a "Smurfette." } } So Smurfette is just another sexless blue Smurf, but one lucky enough to } have survived the toxic mushrooms and changed form. } } You owe the Oracle a giant economy-sized can of Smurf-Away, and the } sense to infer from this explanation the answers to other Smurf } mysteries such as why there is no Mama Smurf, why any normal human hates } Smurfs, etc. --- 293-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What did the Tibetian monk say to the hot dog vendor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The most famous exchange between a lama and a hot dog vendor occurred } one block south of Times Square in July 1988. } } Hot Dog Vendor: What can I get for ya today? Footlong } with the works? I said, what can I get } for ya today? Hey, ya wanna hot dog or } not? Listen if yer not going to order } willya move on, I gotta business to run. } Stop starin' at me, man. And wipe that } silly grin off yer face. Say something, } dammit, yer givin' me the creeps. Hey, } I get it. Ya don't any English, do ya? } Uh, lessee, yo, uh, tengo los, uh, hot } dogs, uh, perros calientes. Okay, fine! } just stand there. See if I care. Just } don't scare away the customers. Jeez. } Forget it. Ya wanna Coke? Coca-cola? } I don't care where yer from, ya gotta } understand "Coca-cola". Coca-cola? } Stop smiling. People'll think yer up } to something. Hey, I got all-beefs, } beef-n-porks, turkey dogs, polish } sausage, and kielbasa. You can get } ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, relish, } pickles, or onions on them. I've got } plain and whole grain buns. I don't } care what you want, just order something } or leave. I'm serious, man, if you don't } go away, I'll call the cops and have them } arrest you for loitering. Jesus Christ, } will you stop staring at me! STOP IT! } At least blink once in a while. You're } driving me crazy! You wanna Coke? Wait, } no, I already tried that. Listen, man, } I'm serious, stop starin' and grinnin' at } me. I gotta gun under the counter. I'll } use it. I mean it. STOP STARING AT ME! } STOP IT! STOP IT! STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! } YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY! AAAAARGH! } STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! PLEASE LOOK } AWAY! HERE! OKAY! I'M MAKING YOU A } HOT DOG FOR FREE! TAKE IT! EAT IT! } JUST GO AWAY! STOPITSTOPITSTOPITSTOPIT! } YOU WANNA COKE? OKAY! HERE'S A COKE! } IT'S ON THE HOUSE! NOW PLEASE GO AWAY! } I CAN'T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS! YOUR } EYES ARE DRIVING ME INSANE! PLEASE } STOPITSTOPITSTOPISTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP! } } Then the lama widened his grin just enough to barely show } his teeth. At that moment the hot dog vendor was } enlightened. } } You owe the Oracle a better koan. And a new deli. --- 293-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, most wise in matters sublime and ridiculous... > > I've heard that the size of a man's feet indicate the size of his > genitals. What to the size of a woman's feet indicate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle was going to be his usual asinine self and make a big deal } about gramatically malformed questions and stupid spelling errors, but } will skip over that, seeing as you are more properly respectful than Mr. } VMail User and STUDENT, JOE LAMER, whose questions normally fill the } Oracle's inbound queue to bursting without any artistic value whatever; } thus, it has been determined that your question should be graced with an } answer worthy of the Oracle. } } I won't even make a big deal, this time, about you lowercasing the O in } Oracle, for which insult, express or implied, I should smite thee } mightily, but that would mean that I'd forgotten about the } not-being-allowed-to-use-the-word-'thee'-in-casual-conversation clause } of my Oracular software license agreement, so thusly I must forgo the } aforementioned (fortunately, you see, I can use words like "forgo" and } "thusly" all I want, for the time being, at least). } } So, no matter how much I'd like to flame the living water out of your } nose for spelling "do" as "to" in the last sentence of your question, } and even though I can't attribute it to a simple typo on your part since } "d" and "t" aren't adjacent on any keyboard ever made (which, of course, } means I would get bonus points for flaming you about it), I'm not going } to do it: Truly, I said you would get an answer worthy of the Oracle, } and by the hairs on God's nose, you will. } } Yes, you are fortunate: Fortunate to be the Asker of the Question of } the What's-Turning-Out-To-Be-The-Greatest-Oracular-Answer-Ever; the } question whose question-and-answer combination will fill an entire } edition of the Oracularities: what is such an honor worth? More than a } set of Ginsu II Knives, surely. But we're not at that part of the } Answer yet; the Obilgations come last. This Answer is still in the } Flailing Abuse of the Questioner phase. But, at least, it's out of the } subphase of the One Sentence Paragraphs. } } Ah, but the Great Moment is upon us. In just a few short lines, you } will know the answer to the question you have asked. Bet you can't } wait. Here it comes, the Historical Moment of Revelation... } } The size of her shoes. } } You owe the Oracle.. a less anticlimactic answer. --- 293-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I would like to know who the hell is bringing me bad luck !!!!!!!! > > Last Sunday a f**king thief stole my radio from my father's car, that I > myself had stolen to go to the mountain. This was obviously caused by > some kind of Jonah. > Can you tell me his f**king name and address , 'cause I want to kill > him suddenly . > The end. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fool! The Oracle has cursed you with bad luck retroactively to last } Sunday as a punishment for your blasphemous question. To earn your } redemption and re-enter the Oracle's good graces, you must return to the } mountain and perform this cleansing ritual: } } You will eat or drink nothing for three days, except soap. } You will speak only when spoken to directly by the Oracle, } who shall appear before you in many forms and guises. You } *will not* swear in the presence of the Oracle. } } You will wear no clothing other than a T-shirt with a slogan } such as "I Love the Oracle," "The Oracle Knows All" or "My } Girlfriend Joined the Oracular Priesthood and All I Got Was } This Lousy T-Shirt." On Tuesdays and Fridays you will wash } the T-shirt, although you yourself will not bathe during the } cleansing ritual. } } Each morning at dawn you will face in the general direction of } iuvax and recite the Pledge of Allegiance, inserting the words } "the Oracle" at appropriate places in the pledge. } } Each evening at sunset you will pray to the Oracle, begging for } forgiveness in the most humble and subservient tone possible } and promising never again to ask the Oracle a question without } using the proper amount of flattery and abasement. } } Each day you will make an offering of some kind to the Oracle, } preferably an item of monetary value. Your father's car radio } will be accepted as the inital offering. } } As this ritual progresses, you will begin to see the error of your ways. } Eventually you will either be forgiven by the Oracle or starve to death. } Of course, if you fail to perform the cleansing ritual you will suffer } under the Oracle's curse until death, which usually takes about 5 } months. } } To give you an idea of what will happen if you fail to seek redemption, } the Oracle has prepared a handy reference chart: } } Weeks stage of the curse typical effect } ------------------------------------------------------- } 1- 3 Petty Theft lose small item } 4- 6 Failure low final exam grade } 7- 9 Itching poison ivy } 10-12 Minor Injury sprained ankle } 13-16 Major Injury collapsed lung } 17-21 Illness meningitis } 22-23 Death eternity in Hell } } Hmmm. If I were in your shoes, I'd be on the mountain before week ten. } } You owe the Oracle a good set of speakers to go with this car radio. --- 293-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What ever happened to those little "Scrubbing Bubble" hot rod > dudes that used to be on the tv.. Did Dow Chemical give 'em good > retirement benefits or what? Those little hot rod dudes were cool.. > Now that they're gone, I won't buy the stuff anymore. If Dow's gonna > can my little buddies, then I ain't buying their stuff nohow.. Wanna > beer?? > *RALPH* And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dow has had to cut back on advertising a bit, and was forced to } let the very high paid "Scrubbing Bubbles" go, as their salaries are } quite high. They regret that other arrangements couldn't have been } made, but they ask that people realize that a company has to run } within its budget if it is to do well. The "Scrubbing Bubbles" were } last seen at Jerry's Car Wash, doing part time work. They welcome } visits from old fans, and you should look them up if you are ever in } the Santa Barbara area. --- 293-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does your help-file say to use the address "iuvax.cs.indiana.edu", > when "cs.indiana.edu" works? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all a sinister plot by the operators of Digital Equipment } Corporation, the manufacturers of VAXen. Subliminal advertising, doncha } know? } } You owe the Oracle a....(KNOCK KNOCK)...Excuse me. } Hello? } "All right, pally! You're coming with us! } Think you can mock DEC, do you? We'll see about that!" } *thud*crunch*whack* --- 293-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just what is it you're trying to say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That I love you. I love you passionately. I love your sweet delicate } body, with its firm girlish breasts, its delicate waist, its generous } hips, sweet slender womanly legs, dainty little hands and feet, warm } moist welcoming crotch, swan-graceful elegant neck, flawless lovely } face, cloud of soft fine brown hair. And those are merely the glories } of your sweet flesh. Such a mind! Such a kind heart! Such intense } womanliness that I cannot understand how any man could resist your } charms even if you were not half so beautiful in form. I -- } } Oh, shit, wrong questioner. And I was doing so well, too. --- 293-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how do you differentiate between 'artificial' and 'human' intelligence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simple. Upon opening the cranium, look at the bottom of a brain. If it's } human, it will say "No artificial intelligence included". } } Hey, what are you doing with my head?! Cut that out.... --- 293-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > That rabbit has stolen my eludium q-36 explosive space modulator. What > can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "You must go after him!" cried the Red Queen, removing her pressure } helmet and sealing the airlock. "Quick! Quick!" } } Alice turned to the control panel, and ran an intimidated eye over the } hundreds of button, dials, and joysticks that covered every visible } surface. "How?" she asked. } } "Foolish girl!" snorted the Queen "Like this!" So saying, she closed her } eyes, waved one hand over the controls, and stabbed randomly at a bright } blue button. With a deafening roar, the shuttlecraft emptied its septic } tanks onto the launch pad and began to prepare lunch. "Or this!" The } Queen pulled back on a strangely-shaped rod, and the little ship leapt } into the air. The Queen turned to Alice with a satisfied smile. "See? } It's so *very* simple." } } Alice wasn't all that sure, but knew it would be impolite to argue. She } watched as the rabbit's ship dwindled into the darkness. "I don't think } we can catch him." } } "Nonsense!" shouted the Queen. "Recite!" } } "I beg your pardon?" said Alice, startled. } } "You well should. Recite, child!" } } With an inward sigh, Alice resigned herself. "People here certainly do } love poetry," she thought. Folding her hands, she began: } } The planets were bored, one afternoon, } Of circling round the Sun } And Uranus suggested a country dance } Might be a bit more fun. } } "A dance! A dance!" the asteriods cried } And turned somersaults in delight; } So Jupiter sent out engraved invitations } To a ball that very night. } } "I haven't a thing to wear" moaned Venus } And a cloud came over her face } "Wear your green gown," said Mars with a smile } "You'll be the prettiest planet in space." } } Jupiter's moons were the symphonic band } And Pluto provided the tea; } Saturn danced rings around all of the others } But Neptune was rather at sea. } } Dear little Mercury wouldn't sit down } Until Earth took him firmly in hand, } Led him off into the Asteriod Belt, } And fed him on seed cakes and jam. } } The dance ended early, when Sol got annoyed } With their frivolousness and their levity. } He scolded them back to their orbital paths } And urged them to all have some gravity.