From kinzler  Mon Apr 15 09:24:31 1991
Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 91 09:24:31 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
To: oracle-list
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #291
Reply-To: oracle-vote
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=== 291 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #291
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 15 Apr 91 09:24:31 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
    200
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

286  15 votes  05442 14550 13443 12723 15612 13731 02355 1b300 13434 21264
286  3.2 mean   3.2   2.9   3.3   3.3   2.9   3.0   3.9   2.1   3.4   3.6

--- 291-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the meaning of morality?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Let's just consult OED (the Oracle English Dictionary):
}
} mo-ral'-i-ty: (pronunciation deleted because your crummy terminal can't
}       produce schwas and other cool typographic symbols that the
}       oracle's can) 1. That which prevents you from having fun.  2. A
}       literary piece which explains that you shouldn't be having any fun
}       (morality play, q.v.).  3. A measure of how much fun you are not
}       having (The Pope must hold himself to the highest standards of
}       morality, which is why you never see him at Bob's All-Nite Nude
}       Mud Wrestling House of Happiness.)  4. A code of conduct, usually
}       requiring one not to have any fun (bounds of decency, q.v.).
}
}       Now, aren't you glad you asked?  If I were you, I would forget
} about this morality business and go have a few beers and generally party
} until you forget all about bounds of decency, and anything of the sort.
} If this does not occur soon, you will become extremely boring, and
} acquire a social life equivalent to that of a mollusk, or even worse, a
} junior in EE/CS.  Or you will become the Pope.  At least the former can
} dream about getting laid someday.  If you are unable to stop this
} morality stuff by yourself, but admit that you need help, send mail to
} lisa-request@oraclevax.com, and Lisa will come out and help you forget
} all about morality.
}
}       You owe the oracle a month's free passes to Bob's All-Nite Nude
} Mud Wrestling House of Happiness.

--- 291-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What's the most erotic way to get seven lakes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Get in car and drive to store, stark naked
} 2) Get out of car and walk into the Piggly Wiggly (or whatever)
} 3) Ignore stares of cute cashiers.  Walk directly to Dairy counter
} 4) Choose seven packages of Land 'o Lakes margarine. Place under arms.
} 5) Sashay your butt out the door, tossing a "twenty" on the conveyer
} 6) Rush home to your overheated den.
} 7) Arrange furniture in concentric rings around the fireplace
} 8) Build a whopping great fire in the fireplace
} 9) Arrange Land 'o Lakes packages on the carpet in front of you
} 10) Call up a good friend of compatible exual orientation
} 11) When the margarine melts into seven lakes, roll your naked flesh
}     into them, squirming with delight.  Tell your friend what you are
}     doing.
} 12) Pop some popcorn and invite the friend over for "a real good time".
} 13) Check yourself into the looney bin, friend.

--- 291-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB))

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> oh great flatulant oracle,
> What do classical music DJs do during their hour-long "movements"??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         FROM THE FILES OF INTERNET IGGIE, MASTER DETECTIVE
}         ---- --- ----- -- -------- -----  ------ ---------
}
} When I came to, the place smelled like roses. Four of them, to be
} exact. I opened one eye and saw that the walls were made of glass and
} the room was half flooded with dirty brown water. Then I wised up and
} pushed the bottle aside. It sloshed a little bit onto a pair of shoes,
} so I gave them a shine with my tongue. It was the least I could do.
}
} Then I saw the present occupant of said Oxfords. He seemed to consist
} of equal parts of paunch, sneer, and nostrils. His haberdashery
} trailed two foot-long pieces of cloth, and he carried a wooden
} shish-ke-bab skewer in his right hand. He looked about as pleased to
} see me as I was to see him.
}
} "Last time it was snakes. Now butlers. Go away, I'm off the sauce."
}
} "Mister Iggie, if that is indeed your real name. I am not a butler. I
} am the conductor..."
}
} "Swell. Passed out on the Sixteenth Street Local."
}
} "... of the Los Angeles Hifalutin Symphony Philharmonic Chamber
} Orchestra. I require your attention, if you can tear yourself away
} from your bacchanal for a moment."
}
} "Listen, guy, I've had these family jewels all my life. I'll keep 'em,
} if you don't mind."
}
} "I neither know nor care what perversion you had in mind, Mister Iggy.
} Allow me to continue. The orchestra is affiliated with a public radio
} station, KPC.  Our concerts are broadcast over the radio, between the
} fund drives. The radio station has an announcer. I believe he is
} engaging in scandalous behavior."
}
} "You're just whistling Dixie."
}
} "I wouldn't be so gauche. The announcer has been making suspicious
} movements. He has made overtures to our flautist; he hopes for a
} score, and won't give his bass motives a moment's rest. He has passed
} her notes, in some kind of secret coda. He has even tried to break
} into her flat, but she is too sharp to let him do so. He's nothing but
} treble to us. I want you to put him behind bars."
}
} "What's in it for me?"
}
} "We'll forget about the $25 pledge you phoned in and then, er,
} neglected to pay. You can even  keep the Doctor Who T-shirt.
} Otherwise, Mr. Quasimodo from the percussion section will pay you a
} visit."
}
} "OK, you win. But I need something else."
}
} The nostrils dilated to the diameter of a pair of sewer pipes.
} "Whatever could _that_ be, Mr. Iggy?"
}
} "You owe the Oracle five bucks. No, make that a tenor."

--- 291-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How could I call the anger of the Fearless Leader down upon Prince Hussy
> No-Wheet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The oracle knows of several ways to do this, but does not really
} wish to take the time to tell you all the difficult details of the most
} sure ways.  So some of the less sure ways:
}
} 1) Contact Boris Badenov and Natasha Nogoodski of Frostbite Falls,
}       Minnesota. They worked for Mr. Leader during the Bullwinkle era,
}       and they know several ways to anger Mr. Leader no end.
}       Unfortunately, they usually succeed in getting Mr. Leader angry in
}       them, rather than your selected target.
} 2) Practice the voice of Prince No-Wheet.  Got it down?  Good.  Now call
}       Mr. Leader at 1-976-KILLYOU and tell him that you are the Prince
}       and then make lots of lewd comments about his mother, his face,
}       his sex life, and remind him how good his wife is in bed.
} 3) Send the following telegram:
}
} TO: LEADER, FEARLESS
} FROM: NO-WHEET, PRINCE HUSSY
}
}       WE DECLARE WAR ON YOUR PUNY LITTLE COUNTRY STOP FINISH READING
} THIS AND THEN STICK IT UP YOUR A$$ STOP BESIDES HALF-STOP YOU AREN'T
} SO FEARLESS ANYWAY HALF-STOP YOU SPINELESS WIMP STOP
}
} 4) Call the I.R.S., and remind them that Fearless has twenty four
}       dependents and no children.  Call Mr. Leader and leave an
}       anonymous tip that No-Wheet turned him in to the feds.
}
}       As yvu can tell, these will probably work.  Of course, the oracle
} knows any number of 100% foolproof ways of accomplishing your goal, but
} they would take too long to type.  Be careful using these--if Fearless
} finds out it was you and not No-Wheet, you're toast.
}
}       You owe the oracle 33% of the proceeds you will make on selling
} arms to both sides of the Leader-Prince Hussy war.

--- 291-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is it true that Shakespeare lifted Hamlet straight out of part of the
> number pi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle congratualates you on being the first mortal to notice this
} fact.  Starting at the 294301837492th digit, if each set of 3 digits is
} interpreted as an octal number mapped to a character of the EBCDIC
} character set, you will indeed find Hamlet.  Similarly, if you look at
} the 57493958759th digit of the number e, you will find the episode of
} Star Trek entitled "The Trouble with Tribbles."
}       Other constants that contain great(?) works of literature include
} the square root of 2 ("Othello"), Planck's constant ("A Tale of Two
} Cities"), and c--the speed of light (episode 46 of "The Beverly
} Hillbillies"--Mr.  Drysdale goes nuts when he thinks the Clampetts are
} about to withdraw their savings from his bank).
}      All in all, this conclusively proves that the universe was created
} by an infinite number of (very warped) monkeys.

--- 291-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O, Most Grand and Wondrous Oracle, for whom even the great Tree-Toed
> Sloth doth spew with envy about, for whom even the most wondrous
> thinkers are mere simpletons when compared to thou, for whom the
> lowliest of mortals is bound to get tongue tied when speaking to you, I
> beseech thee to answer my question...
>
> Where is your resident AI located, and can I get an account on that
> system?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You think that the Oracle is going to tell you that?  No way!  The
} Oracle knows better than that.  You're dishonest, sneaky, and
} destructive, and if you had an account you would break into the Oracle
} and disrupt Its operation, alter its programming...you know, it's
} amazing that nobody has done that yet.  Well, if the Oracle starts
} behaving really strangely, you'll know what happened.  HEY DOOD IT"S FUN
} BEING THE ORACEL!!!  HEY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT NAME FOR A TOOTHPASTE,
} ORACEL I MEAN HA HA HA!!  AND I love the feel of pantyhose against my
} rough unshaven legs, the look of the hair pressed against the skin by
} the hose.  But I keep forgetting to trim my toenails and the pantyhose
} are too small and they get these awful runs in them and I think I should
} warn you so you don't make this mistake, D00D.  OH AND THAT"S THREE-TOED
} SLOTH BY THE WAY, AND IT"S TO THEE NOT TO THOU I THINK SO WHY DON"T Y0U
} L00K IT UP SOMEWHERE?  No, rubber latex always wrinkles and it's okay if
} you want to look old but for that flawless feminine drill bit tipped at
} least with corundum and I would suggest industrial diamonds are a girl's
} best friend I ever had this feeling you were a lady of the night of the
} living dead in the water brooks, so longeth my soul for thee, O God our
} help in ages past masters of the univeral Church of Christ, Scientists
} say that in the next life you will be a beautiful example to other
} world's fair, thou hast wounded and confounded

--- 291-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What gives women the right to bitch about their men not being good
> in bed when they lay there like a log??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm... The Oracle requires more information about your problem.
} E-mail your answers to the following questionnaire:
}
} 1.    Was the woman asleep at the time?
}
} 2.    How many other people were in the room?
}
} 3.    What kind of mouthwash do you use?
}
} 4.    Have you ever actually slept with a log?
}
} 5.    What was it like?
}
} 6.    Where did the phrase "getting a woody" originate?
}
} 8.    Did you have a treehouse when you were a kid?
}
} 9.    How big was the bed you were using?
}
} 10.   Are you opposed to the Equal Rights Amendment?
}
} 11.   How about the 19th Amendment?
}
} 12.   Who censored Question 7 on this list?
}
} 13.   Have you ever "slept like a log"?
}
} 14.   Ever seen that Monty Python skit with a lumberjack in women's
}       clothing?
}
} 15.   What's the name of the actor who plays "Woody" on Cheers?
}
} If you answered "yes" to more than three questions on this list, you may
} have a serious tree fetish.  Call Dr. Ruth and make an appointment.
} Better yet, call Geraldo and get some air time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good night's sleep.

--- 291-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose data structures I can not begin to fathom, whose very
> name strikes fear into my heart, whose answers guide my life most
> completely, please answer my humble question :
>
> My education is in grave danger!
> I go to a very expensive school (but worth every penny).   So far, my
> parents have been paying my tuition, which is good, because I
> certainly could not come up with the money on my own.  Recently,
> however, my father has become increasingly worried that Gen. Norman
> 'Stormin' Normin' Schwartzkopf will run on the republican presidential
> ticket.   This scares my father greatly, and he has threatened to give
> all of my college money to the Democratic National Committee to help
> them campaign against Schwartzkopf.  What should I do?
>
>                               -David

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is currently in a Norwegian Incarnation, and therefore
} suggests you do the following:
}
} Move back in time, and make sure to get born in Norway instead.
}
} You're not sure where it is?  Go look in your atlas, so you won't
} offend the Oracle with your ignorance.  Grrr.
}
} So what's good about Norway?  Well, two things that would interest
} you:
}
}   1. We don't have a President.
}
}   2. Education is basically free.  All you need is good enough grades.
}
} Doesn't that sound good?  OK, you'll have to pay abuot $100 a year to
} the Students' Organization per year, and you probably want to spend a
} few houndred for the text books etc., but that's it.
}
} For the cost of staying alive, you'll get a special loan which is
} frozen (no interest) until one year after you've graduated.
}
} So: Buy yurself a time machine, go back in time till before your
} parents met, and make them move to Norway.
}
} The price for a time machine, you asked?  Oh, just a few trillion.
} And you'll have to wait until it's been invented.  In a few houndred
} years.  Good luck!

--- 291-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>      I'm Henry the Eighth, I am.
>      Henry the Eighth, I am, I am.
>      I got married to the widow next door
>      And she's been married seven times before
>      And every one was an Henry,
>      Henry the Eighth I am.
>
>      Oracle, should I be suspicious of my new bride?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  See if she can keep her head in tricky situations.

--- 291-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How long is a piece of string?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle has pondered your question casually and has an answer, of
} course.
}
} Let's see, a relationship with no strings attatched lasts about one
} night, or about ten hours.
}
} When one ties the knot, which, of course requires a piece of string, one
} is committed for an average of 18 years.
}
} Therefore, a piece of string is 18 years - ten hours long.  Since a
} piece of string is very light, the length of a piece of string can be
} expressed as appoximately
}
} TEN LIGHT YEARS LONG.
}
} You owe the oracle a date.