From kinzler Wed Apr 10 11:31:48 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 10 Apr 91 11:31:48 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #289 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 289 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #289 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 10 Apr 91 11:31:48 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 284 9 votes 13311 11430 23220 52020 23400 21141 02511 23310 11241 11520 284 2.7 mean 2.8 3.0 2.4 1.9 2.2 3.1 3.1 2.3 3.3 2.9 --- 289-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do people procrastinate??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me get back to you on that one... --- 289-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I wish my figure were good enough for me to wear Spandex clothes and > look sexy in them. But I'm real overweight, and I'm too lazy to > exercise. Should I just forget my dreams of a lean, Spandex-clad body, > or should I make it one of my top priorities in my life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm glad someone asked this question, because it enables me to } announce the formation of the Always Exclusive Investigative Oracle } Unit (AEIOU). AEIOU investigators have found extensive evidence of a } nationwide spandex conspiracy, designed to make users believe that } spandex was good-looking and worth the exorbitant costs the syndicate } charged for spandex clothing. } } The spandex industry was originally a legitimate group of small } businesses, usually run by elderly home knitters from Vermont and } North Dakota, who supplied the small bicycle-clothing industry. Over } the years, several bicycling outfitters came under the direct and } indirect control of agents of KAOS, SPECTRE, and Donald TRUMP, all of } whom saw the potential for billions of dollars in profits. } } AEIOU has found that KAOS, SPECTRE and TRUMP gained control of key } bicycle equipment suppliers in the late 1970s. First, they convinced } gullible world-class bicyclists that spandex shorts were preferable to } the traditional wool shorts they were then using. The cyclists gave } in because, they were given the spandex for free. Second, led by KAOS } operatives, the syndicate encouraged noted fashion designers to } incorporate spandex into bathing suits, dresses, shorts and even } formal wear. Third, the syndicate placed subliminal advertisements } for spandex clothing in fashion magazines and formally legitimate } (although mindless) television programs such as Entertainment Tonight, } Magnum p.i., and Hill Street Blues. A typical message was "be } thin--wear spandex." } } Finally, the syndicate gained control of aerobics enterprises from } coast to coast. Videos starring exercise gurus Richard Simmons and Jane } Fonda, Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, and even celebrities such as } Sandy Duncan were produced, all with the ultimate intent of promoting } not good fitness, but spandex clothes. } } The insidiuousness of the plan lay in the simple fact that most } people look hideous in spandex. Notable exceptions are bicycle } racers, models, and Lisa (all of whom could look great in anything). } Because the average consumers needed to be in excellent shape to look } good in spandex, they were forced to buy some of the syndicate's } products (exercise videos) in order to buy the ultimate product } (spandex). } } The AEIOU team is appalled at the lack of governmental action } regarding the cruel hoaxes perpetrated on the American public. Since } the govenrment has played into the hands of the syndicate, we might be } forced to take matters into our own hands. In sum, we urge you to } forget the allure of spandex, and to wear something more comfortable. } } You owe the Oracle an appointment with the 60 Minutes crew. --- 289-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what grades will I get this semester ???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Great and All-Knowing Oracle does, of course, know the answer to } your query. The danger of answering this type of question, however, } precludes a direct response (eg, the one you are probably looking for). } Reference historical factual texts: The Hobbit (Tolkien): a similar } question was raised by Bilbo Baggins, addressed to Gollum: "What have I } got in my pocket?" Because it was not a fully loaded Colt 45, I will not } bore you with further recital of the outcome (Look it up) } } The short answer is of course, expressible in terms of the Formulae } Educatum, an equation used by the finest institutions of learning } throughout the world: } } > g = (h * s) + (t - o) / k } where: } g (grade achieved) = } } h (what you hope to get based on your goals for GPA) } s (absolute value of the difference in sexual attractivness } between yourself and your professor) } t (time available to study for exams) } o (Time wasted asking the Oracle questions like this one) } k (a mysterious constant from your Board of Trustees) } } (multiply by 1.05 - sales tax - when you are within the boundaries of } the Commonwealth of Massachusetts -- a haven for expensive education) } } You owe the Oracle a good night's sleep --- 289-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, > The flowers-by-wire people FTD had the slogans "Say It with > Flowers" and "Flowers Say It For You." Why should I want to say, "It" > to people, and if it did, how could flowers say the word "it" to people > if they have no vocal cords? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "It", of course, is a euphemism. It means bonking. Poking. Porking. } The act of sexual congress. The evidence from this is all round: } } Music: Do "It" to me one more time. Was called "Bonk Me Senseless } One More Time". Name chaned on the advice of sensors. } Films: "It" came from outer space. Was originally called "Space } Bimbos from the Planet Orgasm". Name changed and serious } editing done on the advice of censors. } Male Rivalry: A: Went out with xxx last night. } B: Didja do "It"? Huh! huh! Wink! Wink! } Female Bitchiness: You know xxx, she does "It"! With anyone! } } What the FTD people mean is that flowers is a great way of saying } "Have Sex With Me". If you don't quite know why you want to say that, } there is really not very much the Oracle can do for you and a career } in the catholic priesthood beckons. } } As to the vocal chords, well, it is supposed to be a symbol at this } point. FTD have a team of top scientists quietly working in the back } room to correct the lack. Expect roses with embedded voice synth } chips early next year, and genetically engineered jonquils about the } turn of the century. Once those products are released, flowers really } WILL say "It", and any other messages you can get past the censor. } } You owe the Oracle enough red roses to keep Lisa interested tonight. } At one rose per, four dozen should just about do it. --- 289-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't I get work done on weekends .... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's because of all the cheese in the atmosphere. } } Recent studies [HAW90, PEN91] has shown that cheese is composed not of } the usual sub-atomic particles -- bosons, hadron, and so on -- but } instead is made entirely of particles from a newly discovered family, } created only during the fermentation of dairy products. These } particles, logically enough, are called cheesons. Their anti- } particles, the family of threeons, turn out to be the fundamental unit } of the number three. } } It has been observed since the early part of the century that eating } too much cheese has a lethargic effect, impeding the ability to do } useful work [JOH12]. Even the very rarefied quantity of cheese in the } atmosphere produced by unavoidable meta-evaporation [KER78] has a } measurable effect. } } At weekends, the residual atmospheric cheese level is raised } considerably, due to the higher level of cheese consumption in the } general populace: the extra kinetic energy provided by the teeth } biting into the cheese raises the total internal energy of any given } lump of cheese, possibly past the evaporation thresh-hold. } } And that's all there is to it. At weekends, there's more cheese, so } you work less well. What you need is an atmosphere de-cheeser, } available from all good chemists. } } You owe the Oracle (A) a pound of bog-standard Irish Cheddar (for } cooking with), or, (B) four ounces of a really good Roquefort. } } References } ========== } } [HAW90] "Cheese Theory: The Cosmic Plan" -- Steven Hawking, 1990. } } [JOH12] "Eating Too Much Cheese Has a Lethargic Effect, Impeding the } Ability to Do Useful Work" -- Harold Johnson, 1912. } } [KER78] "The Impact of Software Tools on Programmer Productivity, and } A Couple of Other Notes Concerning How Cheese Can } Evaporate When It Isn't Even a Liquid" -- Brian W. } Kernighan, Dennis M. Ritchie and the Late Charles } Babbage. } } [PEN91] "It Really Is True About The Cheese, and I Should Know: } Empirical Studies Involving Stilton, Triple-Cream Brie } and That Oak-Smoked Cheddar You Can Get From ASDA For } Only 99p per Pound" -- Roger Penrose, 1991. --- 289-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great Oracle, I beseech that you impart to me a tiny particle of > your overarching wisdom, and answer for me a question that has burned in > my mind lo, these many days: what is the topological index of the > unmodified human body, assuming that the eardrums are intact and not > counting the eye sockets as passages? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 147.320000, plus or minus 0.006739. Give or take a dozen. } } You owe the Oracle a new abacus. Mine just imploded. --- 289-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would happen if I ate Chocolate filled twinkies and drank with them > a cool Budweiser Light beer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lets find out: } } % eat -chocolate twinkie | drink -cool -budweiser -light beer | more } eat: command not found } drink: command not found } % whereis eat } eat: /usr/local/obscure/eat } % set path = ($path /usr/local/obscure) } % Broadcast Message from god@pearly.gates.com on tty co... } } Oracle, just what do you think you're doing? } } well, just replying, you know, with another one of those cute "Unix } sessions" that the readers love so much. } } Well, cut it out, that crap's getting stale, and everybody's sick of it. } You had better make this one REAL funny, or else. } } Uhhhh, ok, sure, gotcha. } } EOF } % } %exit } logout } } Connection closed by foreign host. } } OK, sorry about that, but to get right to the point, the ratio of } enjoyment will be directly proportional to the ammount of beer } present, and your tolerance for alcohol. Regardless of these factors, } the average outcome will be enjoyable. } } You owe the oracle a beer. --- 289-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Everything goes faster and faster, and I go slower and slower; it is > becoming painful even to move; what is happening to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To answer this question, let me consultate my exclusive doctor, } Dr. Chun Ga... } } oracle> write chunga@chunga-labs.guiri-guiri.edu } Hey, I have this question for a human. What happens if you feel } you're moving slower that anything else? } ^D } } ^G^G^GMessage from chunga@chunga-labs.guiri-guiri.edu: } Has he already gone to bathroom? What did she eat last night? } Maybe she's pregnant, or maybe a stupidity virus invading his brain... } } oracle> write chunga@chunga-labs.guiri-guiri.edu: } C'mon, doc, this is serious. Please give a more concise answer... } ^D } } ^G^G^GMessage from chunga@chunga-labs.guiri-guiri.edu: } All right, let me check what do I have in my files. I'll send you } mail later... } } (2.57 hours before...) } mail } } 1 chunga@chunga-labs Today "Probable answers and suggested solutions" } & 1 } What that human may have is an strange disease called } 'plumbuminitis', which affects people that spend a lot of time in front } of a green terminal, trying to access remote mailing lists. Due to slow } response time, this affects the nervous system of the user, who starts } thinking of himself as a daemon. (This has nothing to see with } 'dungeonitis', who is an user who thinks daemons are malicious, so he } tries to destroy them all.) This illusion makes the user see everything } else 'running faster'. } } This strange disease is mortal in 87% of the cases I've known. } Those who survive hasn't yet recovered their full speed. They have got } jobs in bureocrats offices, ticket sales and Dan Quayle's assesors. } & q } } You owe the Oracle a 1991 Ferrari Testarossa. --- 289-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the highest prime number? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } One of the older rescorded mathematical proofs shows that there is no } such thing. Obviously you know that. } } Now look. Do you seriously expect the Oracle to come up with an } interesting, witty, amusing, preferably erotic answer to that question? } Of course not. Then why the hell did you submit it? Look, you want } something funny that will get into the Oracularities collections, you } have to write a decent question that allows all sorts of sexual } innuendos or other fun things. I mean, the Oracle can _try_ to make } something interesting, but it's like mud-bricks without straw: } } Vanessa: Oh, Mike [licks her lips sensuously], let's find the highest } prime number together! } Mike: Let's not bother. } Vanessa: I'll give you an evening in bed you'll never forget... } Mike: But Vanessa, there _isn't_ any such thing? } Vanessa: There isn't? [Pouts deliciously.] } Mike: Nope. See, I'll prove it to you... } [scene dissolves to some minutes later] } Vanessa: Okay, so there isn't. My, aren't you clever! } Mike: Yeah. Will you still give me that evening in bed I'll never } forget? } Vanessa: Sure! } [scene dissolves to Mike in bed, clutching a teddy bear so large that it } makes him look small, a cup of hot cocoa on the nightstand, and Vanessa, } in an old-lady nightgown, gray wig, and wrinkly makeup, reading to him } from a storybook.] } Vanessa [old-lady voice, which she does pretty well]: So Goldilocks ran } and ran, out of the bears' house, out of the little clearing, down the } forest trails, and all the way home. And she never went into the forest } alone ever again! } Mike: This isn't quite what I had in mind... } Vanessa [sweet smile]: But I'm sure you'll never forget it. Time for } beddy bye! [She tucks him in, puts out the light, and leaves. Mike } sighs in a resigned fashion.] } } Now that was pretty awful, wasn't it? And it's taken quite a lot of } time. See what the Oracle means by a bad set-up question? } } You owe the Oracle something smutty. --- 289-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Would I really understand my girlfriend better if we could be each other > for a day? She keeps talking about doing it even though it's clearly > impossible, and I may have to dump her because she must be a bit crazy, > no? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why, yes. You can and should be each other for a day, and you would } understand her better. You know, people do this sort of thing all the } time, and the Oracle doesn't understand where you have gotten the idea } that it's impossible. Why, here are just a few examples of how such } temporary selves-in-other-people's-bodies swaps are put to good use: } } 1. Ronald Reagan. Most of his speeches were delivered with somebody } else in his body. Nancy did a few of them, but the best person for } wearing Ronnie was Peggy Noonan, Reagan's top speechwriter. Hence the } constant feud between Peggy and Nancy; also Peggy wouldn't have sex with } Nancy when she was wearng Ronnie. On a few critical occasions Peggy } wore Nancy instead, and made a better Nancy than the real one, which } made Nancy furious, too. } } 2. George Bush. Yes, it was Barbara Bush inside the Commander-in-Chief } during the Gulf War. Much more levelheaded. Note how clever she was at } sounding quavery and George-ish. Truly one of the great actresses of } our time. } } 3. Michael Jackson. Yes, in order to keep up that effeminate act when } he started acting masculine, Michael has let his dear sister step in. } Notice how butch she looks on the "Rhythm Nation" video. That's Michael } inside her. } } 4. Milli Vanilli. No, it wasn't lip-synching. They didn't want to } publicise the fact that they were using body-swapping, but the people } who sang for Rob and Fab actually used their vocal apparatus and wore } their bodies. Of course, when it came to making public appearances, the } singers were too shy to do them and they swapped back. } } You owe the Oracle extreme gullibility necessary to believe the } foregoing.