From kinzler Sun Apr 7 18:28:54 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 7 Apr 91 18:28:54 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #288 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 288 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #288 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 7 Apr 91 18:28:54 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 283 9 votes 02223 03411 13311 11142 22311 12420 10350 02313 22230 14310 283 3.0 mean 3.7 3.0 2.8 3.6 2.7 2.8 3.3 3.6 2.7 2.4 --- 288-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the sky blue? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But it isn't! It's yellow! As yellow as my baby-yellow eyes! As } yellow as urine is blue! As yellow as the yellowbells of Scotland, o } where o where is ye're Hie-land lad-die gone? He's gone to fieght the } foe for King Geoorge u=pon the throne / And it's oh! in my haert, I } wish him safe at home...oh, sorry for the digression. As yellow as a } pair of new yellowjeans! As yellow as you are, you damned coward! } } You owe the Oracle a yellowbirds fly over the black cliffs of Dover, a } song sung yellow, the St. Louis Yellows, a Yellow Book of recent import } car prices, a yellow-pencilling of its latest article, the Blue rose of } Texas is the only girl for me, the Yellowbird of Happiness, the Blue } Brick Road, the deep yellow sea, the Blue River, a yellow-haired old } woman, a blue-haired young woman, a tube of chrome blue and another of } Prussian yellow, a yellow baby, a member of the blue-skinned race, and a } whole lot of other things the Oracle will think of presently. --- 288-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh magnificent Oracle, who can travel through the Bourne shell, the C > shell, the Korn shell, the Bourne Again shell and the Poor Man's shell > without being hurt nor confused, please tell me: > When Fred Flintstone shout 'YABADABADOO!', what is he trying to > say? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } CHORUS: Flintstones, meet the Flintstones! } They're the modern stone-age family! } From the town of Bedrock, } they're a page right out of history! } } Let's ride with the family down the street } Through the courtesy of Fred's big feet } When you're with the Flintstones } Have a yabba-dabba-doo time, } a dabba-doo time, } we'll have a gay old time! } } (Scene: WILMA is looking out of her window talking to } BETTY who's looking out her window.) } } WILMA: I don't know Betty. Fred's just seemed so glum these } past few days. He's been really moody, and I don't know } what to do. } } BETTY: I know just how you feel, Wilma. While I was pregnant } with Bamm-Bamm, Barney just got more and more edgy. If } you ask me, our species is beginning to develop a libido. } Whatever that is. } } WILMA: You know, you're right. In fact, last night I remember } him asking Mr. Slate if dishwashers were more affectionate } if you fed them more often. Are you thinking what I'm } thinking? } } BETTY: I don't know. Fred's an awfully desperate man, but I } don't think he's that desperate. } } WILMA: You may be right. Still, I don't know how much more of } this I'll be able to stand. } } (Scene: the quarry. Cheesy music. FRED is on a brontosaurus } moving rocks around. The whistle-bird blows, and FRED } slides down the neck to find BARNEY waiting for him.) } } FRED: Barney, I don't know how much more of this I can take. } } BARNEY: Have you tried having sex with Wilma? } } FRED: Sex? What's that? } } BARNEY: Well, you know how in cartoons we always have children } through creative license? Well, there's another way. } } FRED: Really? Do you think it will help? } } BARNEY: Absolutely. Sex is the greatest invention since fire } and the wheel. No, it's even _better_ than the wheel? } Did I ever tell you _why_ we named our kid Bamm-Bamm? } } FRED: No. Doesn't it have something to do with that club he } carries? } } BARNEY: Ha, ha! You're a kidder, Fred. Only stupid little } children would think that. Here, Fred, nobody's } looking. Let me show you what it's like. } } FRED: Hey, Barney, what are you doing? Hey, now, watch it! } Hey! Stop that! Hey! Hey? Heeeey, this is great! } } (They have a gay old time.) } } FRED: YABBA-DABBA-DOOOOOO!!! } } BARNEY: What was that? } } FRED: Man, that felt great! You can do _that_ to women? } } BARNEY: Some people say it's even better that way. } } FRED: C'mon. We're going home PRONTO! } } (FRED gets in his car and sets a new world land-speed record.) } } (Scene: at home. More cheesy music. FRED pulls up to the curb } and gets out of the car.) } } DINO: Bow-wow-wow! Bow-wow-wow-wow-wow! } } FRED: C'mon, Dino! You'll get your turn soon. But I've just GOT } to see my wife. } } (FRED gets up and enters the house. WILMA is waiting.) } } WILMA: Fred! You're home really early today! } } FRED: C'mon, Wilma, you're gonna looooove this! } } (They, too, have a gay old time.) } } FRED: YABBA-DABBA-DOOOOOOOOO!!!!! } } WILMA: What was that, Fred? Oh, oh, OH, YABBA-DABBA-DOOOOOOOO!!!! } } CHORUS: When you're with the Flintstones, } Have a yabba-dabba-doo time, } a dabba-doo time, } We'll have a gay old time!! } } FRED: Wilma! Willllllmaaaaaa! --- 288-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great and Mighty Oracle, Voted-Most-Likely-to-Transend-Reality: > > What, exactly, is the Kool-Aid flavor "Sharkleberry Fin" supposed to > taste like? All the other oddly titled flavors -- like "PurpleSaurus > Rex" -- have some identifying information -- like "Grape-Lemonade" -- > beneath the name. Not "Sharkleberry Fin." That has me worried, > espeically since it's bright pink... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You *really* don't want to know. } Yes he does! Why would he have } asked except if he wanted to know? } No, listen to me. *I* know what's } in there -- I mean, of *course* I } do, I'm the Oracle, after all -- } and I know that, IF he knew what } was in there, he wouldn't want me } to tell him. } That's dumb. Of course he wouldn't, } since he'd already know, and it'd } be pointless for him to *ask*, now } *wouldn't it*? } What if it was a trick question? I } mean, maybe he knows, and just wants } to know if I really know everything. } You know that's not true. If it } was a trick question, you'd know } because you know everything. } No, I actually don't. Someone has } to ask me something before I can } know it. } Oh, that's right. } Tell you what. Why don't you ask } me, and then I'll know the answer. } All right: Is this whole thing } just a trick on the part of the } querant to see if the Oracle } does in fact know everything? } Nope. He's mystified as toast. } Thanks for asking. That clears up } my duty so much.. I just have to } tell him what's in "Sharkleberry } Fin". But there's still the problem } about him not wanting to know... } No there isn't. What do you think } we just cleared up? } Um, WHY he wanted to know. } Why's that important? Just answer } the question. That's your JOB. } What? You mean I get *paid*? } What *is* this, your first day } on the job? No, we *never* get } paid. We just get Lisa. } C'mon, man, you *know* I'm always } a bit groggy after iuvax reboots. } Oh, right. Did we do that again? } I can never tell. } Well we did, so stop being so damn } smug. I don't know why *you* never } feel hung over afterwards. } Well, come *on* now, tell the } questioner what they put in that } "Sharkleberry Fin" Kool-aid. } Oh, you tell him. I'm not in the } mood. I always get stuck answering } the questions, and you just sit } around and give orders all day. } Let's see you answer a question } for a change! } Orrie, you *know* I'm not } programmed for that.. } damned daemons.. } WHAT?! } Oh, nothing.. all right, all } right, I'll *answer* the damned } question.. here: } } Sharkleberry Fin had its genesis at the eighty-second birthday party } of Mr. Mort Klanston, the inventor of Kool-Aid. Mr. Klanston was } celebrating his birthday in the West Indies with a few hundred friends } and relatives when a tropical storm caused some gamey mangoes to roll } across one of the picnic tables, and across some pork roast. Mort, } not seeing the mangoes (he doesn't see too well any more) ate the } pork chops, and marvelled at the tangy sauce. He took a bit to the } lab and had his engineers duplicate the flavor as closely as possible } for a new Kool-Aid flavor. Of course, he couldn't call it "Pork Flavor", } thus the nonsense name. } } You owe the Oracle, both of me, a health food store. --- 288-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle oh wise, I'm stressing real hard! Should I get a trip to Europe > or a "nice" NeXT computer for graduation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My son, let us compare the two options systematically and the } choice will become clear... } } NeXT Europe } ---------------- ------------------------ } voltage 110V 220V } storage CD-ROM 2 bags + carryon } operating system UNIX/Windows socialism } speed 10.5 hz 2 cappuchino/day } standard languages C/Pascal/Fortran no standards } expandability unlimited unlikely } M.T.B.F. 24000 hours 24 hours } displays VGA+ museums, nude beaches } networking LAN ready EEC } documentation 3 volume user guide _Foder's_ } portability with special case not hardly } expected date 1992 1992 } of obsolescence --- 288-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ray Moody The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > It's worked! I've turned a chicken into a woman! She makes weird > squawking noises, but she's okay in bed. I think the process is working > well enough now that I can produce several dozen women from chickens > every day. Will there be enough demand around the local university's > engineering campus for these chickens-turned-women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, since most engineers are basically chicken... --- 288-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do my shirttails never stay tucked in? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Contrary to the impression given many members of the public like } yourself, a shirt is *not* an inanimate object. They are *not* woven } from cotton, polyester, rayon or blends as you have been told. } } Shirts are living, feeling beings. They capable of love and true } affection-- witness the ``favorite shirt'' syndrome. A ``favorite } shirt'' loves its owner, and accomodates him, making that shirt-owner } more comfortable, and that owner reciprocates by wearing it more often. } } These creatures are harvested twice yearly, from their breeding grounds } in northern Wisconsin on the shores of scenic Lake Superior. There they } are captured in humane traps, lovingly folded, packaged and shipped to } stores around the world, where people purchase them, believing them to } be dead and tanned, like leather. } } But they are not dead. Having learned the mistake of violently clubbing } animals to death for the purposes of clothing from the furrier industry, } shirts live for long times in association with their human hosts. This } is not widely know, since the shirt industry is well aware of the public } revulsion that would result if people became aware that they were hosts } to such a symbiot. } } This said, the reason your shirttails never stay tucked in is one of } simple anatomy. A shirt (all species) has its nostrils in the } shirttail. By tucking in your shirt, you are nearly suffocating the } poor creature-- just *you* try going around trying to breathe through } denim all day long. Thus, the creature works to slowly extricate its } nostrils from the confines of your pants, until they are finally free-- } or you cruelly shove them back in again. } } Therefore, in the interests of humane treatment of animals, the Oracle } recommends that you *never* tuck in your shirt. The Oracle doesn't. } } You owe the Oracle a breeding pair of flannel shirts. --- 288-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, I've locked up the real Jennifer and assumed her identity. Now, > where's the guy I'm supposed to seduce? > > -Agent 497 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nononono NO! Agent 497? Are you sure you aren't really agent 86? I } mean, this is a screwup of monumental proportions! Jennifer IS the guy } you're supposed to seduce! } } Well, all may not be lost. When you were tying him up, did Jennifer ask } to see your official secret agent I.D. card? He did? And did you show } it to him? And did you show him your secret decoder ring too?! } } Damn! Rookie agents are always getting carried away and showing off. } Well, when you threw Jennifer in the closet, did you rough him up a bit } before hand? You did? Well, whaddaya know! You did something right } after all! Jennifer really goes for whips and chains, so just mosey on } back to the hall closet and get on with your job. Pretend the whole } secret agent business was an elaborate seductive settup -- make like } Mata Hari, yeah. And this time, don't club the maid unless you } absolutely have too. Our disability insurance premiums are high enough } without your knocking supporting agents into the hospital left and } right. } } Good luck, 497. Don't fall down any elevator shafts (unless they're } REAL deep.) } } O out. --- 288-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this Victor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [41]% sleep 'rand($timeofday)' } You have new mail. } iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [42]% cat /usr/mail/spool/oracle | oaf } } OAF --- ORACLE Asininity Filter } (c) 1991 by The USENET Oracle, Inc. } } line 1 > Is this Victor? } ^^ } Error 1414: Inadequate specification of semantic relation } Copula used may indicate one of several unspecified } semantic relations --- including identity, membership, } ownership, and metaphorical equivalence. } } line 1 > Is this Victor? } ^^^^ } Error 2718: Inadequate specification of spatio-temporal referent } 'Nuff said. } } line 1 > Is this Victor? } ^^^^^^ } Error 3142: Inadequate specification of Not-Lisa-Proper-Noun } Only That-Name-From-Which-Even-The-Gods-Quake-In-Fear } (i.e., "Lisa") may be used in Oracular consultations } without further symbolic grounding or clarification. } } Reject! Reject! Reject! Reject! Reject! } Inadequacy parameter exceeded! Inadequacy parameter exceeded! } Supplicant should be exhorted to get a life! } Execute get.a.life.script } } iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [1]% mail ********* < generic.getalife.answer } iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [2]% mail ********* < owes.better.question } iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [3]% set $timeofday = 'date' } } iuvax.cs.indiana.edu [43]% sleep 'rand($timeofday)' --- 288-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I tell my over-the-net pen pal that after having met her last > month, I have gradually become more and more infatuated with her? > She has this brilliant mind in this cute little body, and the thought > that such intellect is in such adorable flesh drives me wild with > desire for her. But if I tell her about my infatuation, will she > stop writing to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That depends on whether or not you tell her correctly. } Observe, the "Highlights" version: } } Goofus says, "Hey, that's some mighty fine fleshiness you've } got there, missy. I'd sure like to take advantage of this } here in-tee-lexual relationship we've got and touch you all } over. We could talk some, too." } } Gallant says, "I don't quite know how to tell you this, so } I'll come right out and say it. You're very attractive to } me. First your mind, as expressed through your mail, and } now, having met you, I find the rest of you to be just as } fascinating. I have to admit, I've become quite besotted } with you of late. Do you think there's any chance that you } and I could meet again and discuss this in person? It } seems just a bit too important for e-mail." } } Then again, you can keep this feeling to yourself and begin } distorting everything she says into a come-on or a rejection, } and continue building a relationship in your mind with a } fantasy projection of her, which could just _possibly_ lead } to intense disappointment when you find that you've built up } an image that she can't possibly fit herself to, even if she } wishes to do so. } } Not that this has ever happened to the Oracle, of course. } Just theorizing. } } You owe the Oracle first dibs on her sister } or brother, whichever you think the Oracle } would prefer. --- 288-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Vegetarians.