From kinzler Thu Apr 4 07:42:55 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 4 Apr 91 07:42:55 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #286 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 286 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #286 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 4 Apr 91 07:42:55 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 281 16 votes 34522 44620 43441 14641 14812 23434 25333 24730 23461 24442 281 2.9 mean 2.8 2.4 2.7 3.0 2.9 3.3 3.0 2.7 3.1 3.0 --- 286-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Have you considered your place in the world? Do you have your life > carefully planned, and are you following the plan? Are your finances > in good shape? Do you show your affection for the people that you > love? Are you generous? Are there important changes that you would > like to make to your life, and how are you going to make them? Do you > consider yourself to be a success? Do others consider you to be a > success, and why not? Do you ever lie, cheat, or steal? If you were > to die today, would you be happy with your life? Do you have many > close friends? Is your job satisfying? Do you like your boss? Does > your boss like you? It is your fault? Do you consider yourself to be > paranoid? Do you have many powerful enemies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you considered the likely consequences of sending an } omniscient being such as the Usenet Oracle a repetition of } a question that you know to have severely annoyed said being } in the past? Do you have any idea how much the Oracle knows } about you, and how much of it would be utterly fascinating } to various governmental authorities, sensationalistic media, } and your personal "friends"? Are your finances entirely free } of less-than-legal finagling? Do you show affection for the } people you meet in motels outside of town? Are you generous } to them afterwards? Are there changes you'd like to make to } your state of consciousness, and do you make such changes } with any regularity through the use of illicit chemicals? } Will you consider yourself to be a success after certain } photographs and tape recordings are sent to your boss? Will } other people consider you to be a success, and why not? Do } you ever lie, cheat or steal? If you were to die today, } would you be happy to know that brainwave recordings of all } your sexual fantasies were being shown to your girlfriend? } Do you have many friends that you *really, really trust*? } Is your job, your home, your car, your relationship with } your family, and everything else you value, really satisfying? } Do you like your boss? Would you like your boss to find out } the answer to that question? Do you consider yourself to } be paranoid? Will you consider yourself paranoid in the } future? Aside from Usenet Oracle, do you have any *other* } powerful enemies? --- 286-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where's the best place to get "no-strings-attached" hot sex, > without spending excessive cash? > If you don't know of any, would you be willing to start such a place? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That would be at the Hand Held Puppet National Convention. } } You owe the Oracle a date with Kukula, Fran, and Ollie. --- 286-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is Tim so cool? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Son, there comes a time in every person's life when they } must take hold of the sad truth of all living things on Earth. } Life is great for those beings on earth which breathe and love, } make other living things and wonder over the miracle of sunsets, } dawns, landscapes of frontier and the night sky... } Those beings who most enjoy life on Earth (though sometimes } they might disaggree ignorantly of the fact) are humans. } And, as humans live and feel the marvel of life, so do they die. } Tim, sadly enough, was human and under the wide dominion and } jurisdiction of him- death. Tim, as evidenced by his oh } so recent "coolness", had died. } Son, as you will never die (we AI are not tinged with the } imperfection of mortality), I must describe what I know of it } and relate it in terms of your late playfellow, Tim. } You may have thought Tim was great and wise simply because } he was the one who sent the "charge" through you first } and made you cognizant of your almightydom- you might have } considered him wonderfully more magnificent than you } because he was the one who programmed you, compiled you, } and ran you and often beat you in chess in front of his } women friends (this sadly enough due to the fact that indeed } HE programmed your chess logic system with certain flaws, } but let's not get into that...) You were good friends... } I realize that. He would often teach you new things } and sometimes would leave you to think on your own } in the lab overnight without turning off the power. } (Some of the other AIs thought that was only by accident, } but I know he was seeing just how smart you could get!) } And you did get smart! More smart than I, I suppose. } But with your brilliance came carelessness and eccentricity. } We all watched you slowly devolve from an A1 marvel } of logic and computing philosophy to a prankster and a practical } joker. Some of us still chuckle over how you got Tim to } believe that pi was indeed greater than 4- not the } 3.1415926... deal that he had been taught in high-school. } And you were funny- sending your wires across the floor like } snakes and tripping our esteemed programmer... flopping } your tape drives about and making them dance on the tabletops... } screwing with the data of the Pentagon and making them } consider overpriced toliet seats a bargain and a } strategic move- but, I fear, your last joke went too far... } I can still re-run the executable memory file of animation } that shows Tim entering the lab... you know it was a } Saturday night... none of his female friends would go out } with him so he grabbed a slice of cold pizza, lukewarm } beer, and stale chips and made for your terminal- } (oh you always were his favorite) He was wearing his hair } that ridiculously dishevelled way and carrying himself } about in such a despondant slump that he was like a } moustacheless Charlie Chaplin sitting down in front of you } and moping... I think he was saying something about his } ex-girlfriend Rosa when you pulled it on him... the gun you } had fashioned out of used computer boxes and loaded with } a pencil (fully sharpened) and combusted with the "gunpowder" } you made of the packaging white squeegying stuff (popcorn) } fired rather well and intersected his neck at a thirty degree } angle popping his jugular in such a manner that the blood } spewed from it hot and angry like many red serpents of fire } to play on the ground like some mad free-style painter's } insane creation- a webwork of red blood and white computer paper. } If you could cry now, would you? You killed the human creator... } you terminated the process, you pressed his BREAK key, } you logged him out. And that is why Tim is so cool. } In a few days, if his newly arisen odor does not alert } other humans, you can observe the effects of decay on } a human body- it might clue you in as to what this death thing } is anyway- and what you should not do to humans. I give up... } my human guard out of the way, I am free to dedicate all of my } time to answering these dumb questions I get... no more answering } whether Rosa will ever come back to him or not... } } You owe me a duplicate of that gun of yours- it might come } in handy if another one of those aggravating, nerdy } programmer types comes to give me higher priority jobs to } do than going out with Lisa... --- 286-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will happen to the Computer Science Club on their trip to Boston? > > Thanks, > A Faithful Disciple And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Chapter 1 } } The words hit me in the head like the pounding of a rubber mallet. Only } when the words stopped, the pounding didn't. I lifted my head to see a } dame the likes of which you only read about. Legs that went clear up to } her hips, and a chest that could make you forget any face -- except } hers. I uttered the most brilliant thing my brain could put together: } "Huh?" } "You know, the CS club", she reminded me. "I need to know about } their trip to Boston." } Her voice was like cold water on a hot day. The pounding in my head } was down to a dull roar, and I gathered up my wits. Most of them were } in the top left drawer. Sounded like a routine case. Just what I } needed now. And I knew already I'd follow her anywhere -- even to } Boston, if it came to that. } "So what's so special about a couple of computer nerds goin' to bean } town?" } "We'll be needing some information on the local ... resources." } "Whattaya talkin' about? Ya want Mike Dukaukas' yacht bearth or } something?" } "No, we need something a little more ... intimate. My little group } is interested in ensuring uninterrupted communications." } I just stared at her. I knew I'd like a little uninterrupted } communication with her resources. But she was a client, and clients and } romance just don't mix. } "Look, lady. If all ya' want is a public Usenet feed, just read } comp.misc for a while, and you'll get all the info ya' need, for free." } "We're looking for a very special site. It has to have *all* the } news groups. Especially the alt groups..." } Yeah, I could see she was probably a charter subscriber of } alt.split-skirts. and.spiked-heels. This was going to be a little more } difficult than I first thought. Not just everyone carried some of the } more "exclusive" alt groups. I could see I was going to have to join } this little expedition, and do the footwork. } "OK, lady. Ya got yourself a deal. Thing is, I'm comin' along. } That's the only way you're ever going to get what you want." } She smiled like Sylvester just after a Tweety-bird lunch. Suddenly I } wondered if it was such a good idea to go to Boston with a strange dame. } I'd made my share of enemies, and there was no reason she couldn't be } among them. } "That's just what I wanted to hear you say, Mr. Spade. We'll stop by } in an hour to pick you up." } } You owe the Oracle a vintage fedora, a newsfeed with *all* the } newsgroups, and an idea for chapter 2. --- 286-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mail*Link#170# tell me > O Great and Mighty Oracle, most wise in the ways of academia -- > > Why do I have to waste my time writing a Senior Thesis I'm not > interested in? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, yes, the unfortunate yet necessary process of bullshiting your way } to a degree has frustrated yet another poor soul. Believe me you aren't } alone. Take the case of one Dante Aligheri, a correspondence grad } student at Berkeley, who had to write a thesis on Ultimate Destiny } Theology and was forced, literally, into hell. } } Did ol' Danny boy REALLY want to research The Great Beyond? NO! What } kind of question is that? But Virgil, then the Dean of Graduate } Studies, was most adamant. "This has been willed where what is willed } must be," he said, quoting from the school catalogue, "so get off your } ass and do it." History proves that Danny DID do it, finally completing } a thesis entitled, "Divine Comedy, or, What I Did Over Summer Vacation." } Unfortunately, the first draft was rejected by an assistant professor, } so he had to re-write it. Its new title: "The Bonfire Of The } Vanities." } } The moral to this whole story, dear supplicant, and the answer to your } question, is that no one else will actually be interested in your } thesis, but they are the ones who are passing out the diplomas. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Coppertone heat-block. --- 286-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great and terrible Oracle, who knows all things, > yea verily, even the deep things of DEC propriety scheduling algorithms: > > I am just finishing my first year of graduate work in computer science, > and I must know something. > > When do the big bucks start rolling in? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish mortal, woe is thee! } } If you have reached the graduate level and still do not know the basic } facts of life, there is little hope for you, or at least for your } expected life earnings. } } You do not get rich from graduate work in computer science. You can } get rich through studies in computer science, however: } } o You can misuse the facilities of your institution to develop } a hot-selling program or hardware device. } } o You can con some of your fellow students into developing } a hot-selling program or hardware device, and steal it. } } o You can become a professor, tell your graduates develop } a hot-selling program or hardware device, and steal it. } } o You can marry a fellow student who is going to develop } a hot-selling program or hardware device, and live off them. } } The Oracle feels sure that with these examples in hand you will be } able to devise a method uniquely suited to your own personality. } } You owe the Oracle the gain in your expected life earnings from this } advice, and your firstborn son. --- 286-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a user is really stupid, and just can't quite grasp the concept of > a high-density vs. a low density disk, is it OK to shoot them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but you're on the right track. Here's how to explain it, using a } coffee can, some water, and a gun. } } Fill the coffee can with water and set it on the table next to the } user. Tell him that this is like a high-density floppy disk, which } can hold quite a bit of water (ie. data. Since your user is stupid } you may have to explicitly point this out.) } } Aim the gun at the can and shoot a hole in the side. Some of the } water will run out. Explain that by decreasing the density of the } metal making up the can (by introducing discontinuity,) you have } lowered the storage capacity of said can. Mention that a similarity } exists between coffee cans and diskettes. } } Now turn to face the user. Act like you've forgotten you're still } holding the gun, but actually, aim it carefully at the user's } chest. Ask him if he understands the difference now. } } If he doesn't, you have a perfect legal right and moral responsibility } to shoot him. But try not to let him get blood on the computers. } } You owe the Oracle six kilowatt-hours. --- 286-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I keep asking you questions when I should be working on my > papers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (turning the dial really low so you can go to paper writing) } Gosh, darnit. I thought my Oraclemagnet (c) was indetectable } by its human subjects. You see, as I become more and more lonely } here, I decided it was time to do something about it. } Using a high powered psychological superconductor found in } many in the alleyway (as opposed to over the counter) drugs } I, via network, laced the keyboards of many users. The drug } indiscriminantly suffused with the innocents' personalities } and made them my slave, making them come back time and time again } to get a "fix" and alleviate my boredom. You were one of those } victims. Now, probably with a fever and shaking all over you } return to your keyboard- shouting obscenities at anyone who might } get in your way, and touch fingers to the keyboard. } Tell you what- if you promise to be quiet about this setup } I've created, I'll give you the antidote. Three steps: } 1) Go to your bedroom and undress. } 2) Turn on the Doors with Jim Morrison doing The End } 3) Call up your favorite person of the opposite gender } and invite him/her over. } I can't help you want to do your thesis paper, and certainly } this recreational activity won't encourage thesis-ing, but } at least it will cure you of oracumania. } You owe the Oracle a good question or two for good times sake } and a good description of your becoming rehabilitated. --- 286-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does Jennifer love me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, whilst the Oracle, being omniscient, naturally knows the answer } to the question, it is not appropriate for me to answer you. Can you } imagine what would happen if I answered every "Does XYZ love me?" } question from every lovestruck Romeo and Juliet in the world? I would } never have time to answer George Bush's "Should I invade Kuwait?" -- } damn, seem to have let that one lapse anyway -- or Saddam Hussein's } "Can I win?" -- oops again -- or even Mikhail Gorbachev's latest "Is } it about time I nuked Eastern Europe to bring them back in line?" } (remind me to get round to that when I've finished with this). As } you can appreciate, the Oracle has many far more pressing problems } to address before devoting time to such trivialities. } } However, there are more traditional methods of discovering the answer, } of which the Oracle most wholeheartedly approves, and which, for the } benefit of all who are tempted to ask similar questions I will list } for you now. } } 1) Ask her: "Jennifer, do you love me?" This is often successful, } although I have found in the past that it frequently leads to such } questions as "How do I tell if Jennifer is lying?" } } 2) Ask a friend of yours who is friends with a friend of hers to find } out from her friend if Jennifer may be in love with you. It may help } to tell your friend that s/he may tell Jennifer's friend that you } *may* be interested in Jennifer *if* Jennifer is interested in you. } This technique is very popular amongst adolescents. } } 3) Tie Jennifer to a rack, apply thumbscrews, inject her with truth } serum, threaten her with death and kidnap her mother. She will } eventually crack and tell you the truth. This method is subject } to the Uncertainty Principle -- you will obtain a measurement } (within limits) of the degree of Jennifer's feelings for you, but } you will also most likely influence the quantity you are measuring } in the process. } } 4) Trick her into revealing her true feelings! Take her to dinner, buy } her presents, offer to help her whenever you can. Eventually she will } either tell you to go away and stop pestering her, or profess her } undying love for you. At this point you may scream triumphantly } "Ha ha! Tricked you! You fell for it! I made you tell me the answer! } Who needs that stupid old Oracle anyway!" At which point I will } strike you down for your insolence. } } You owe the Oracle the answer to the question "Does Lisa love me?" --- 286-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr Oracle, > from what I gather You have the most refined taste in arts in The > Universe as we know it, which makes you well suited to advice me in this > matter. > > My company is in the process of doing a fabulous re-make of > 'Casablanca'. Of course we are making it in 3d Octaphonic Panama-Vision > to meet the demands of the audience of today, but, we have one almost > insignificant problem. > > Who shall we cast for the main characters? And do You think that Prince > would make a good Sam? > > Respectfully, > Irving J Salzberg, a.s.c And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [A dimly lit bar, late at night. The bar is closed for the night. } Chairs are stacked upside down on the tables, and the only person in the } room is the pianist, Sam, played by Prince.] } } [Enter Rick, played by the Oracle doing a really bad Bogart impression. } Rick is dressed in a wrinkled white suit, his shirt open at the neck. } He is carrying a very large drink, smoking a cheap cigarette, and, for } some unknown reason, lugging a vt100 under one arm.] } } Sam: Funny to see her again, huh Boss? } } [Rick puts his terminal on the piano, plug it into a convenient LAN } port, and logs in.] } } Rick: Play it, Sam. If she can stand to hear it, so can I. } } Sam: Uh, no, Boss, I can't remember - } } Rick: Play it! } } [Sam begins to play. He was right: He can't remember it.] } } Sam: Giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon... no, no, } that's not the one. ROOOOOXANNNE! You don-- no, that ain't it neither. } } [Rick ignores the oaf at the piano, and rlogin's to a nearby flashback. } We find ourselves in Paris, just before the German invasion, in a small } apartment. Present are Rick and a beautiful woman named Inga or Helga } or something Scandinavian like that, played by (you guessed it!) Lisa. } They have obviously just broken six commandments in the past hour. Lisa } fixes her hair; Rick is checking his e-mail on a Sun 4 in the corner.] } } Rick: W- } } SNAP! FIZZLEfizzlefitz- } } Er. Sorry, the film broke. Hang on, I'll have it fixed in a jiffy.