From kinzler Sun Mar 24 13:29:27 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 24 Mar 91 13:29:27 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #280 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 280 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #280 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 24 Mar 91 13:29:27 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 275 15 votes 13470 04623 24720 11472 03651 00285 24162 13632 28320 30651 275 3.2 mean 3.1 3.3 2.6 3.5 3.3 4.2 3.1 3.1 2.3 3.1 --- 280-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: DOE, JANE ANN [name changed to protect the innocent -sk] > > DOE, JANE ANN > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excuse us, but aren't *We* supposed to be the one } speaking with sentence fragments and obscure meanings? } Unless, of course, you are practicing to become an Oracle... } } But wait a minute...revelation is near... } Yes! } Yes! } Yes! } The revelation is at hand... } } ------------------------------------------------------ } % rlogin jeopardy.combination_adventure_gameshow.com } Password: } } Welcome to Jeopardy. } Here is a list of the rules for the game. } WARNING: You explicity agree to all disclaimers and waivers } included in the rules when you begin play. } } In Jeop^C } } Category, please? } } >>> "The Omniscience of USENET" for $100 } } These are questions dealing with the USENET Oracle. } The answer is: } } > From: DOE, JANE ANN } > } > DOE, JANE ANN } > Student } } >>> What are the names and occupations of any porcine creatures } that consult the Oracle? } } I'm sorry, but the question is: } What is the most opaque consultation of the Oracle in March 1991? } } >>> consult judges } } The judges agree that your question is incorrect. } } >>> whine bitterly } } Your incessant whining has stopped the taping. } Security guards are dragging your butt out the door, } and a standby contestant is taking your place. } No consolation prizes for you, bucko. } } >>> consult lawyers } } With the disclaimers you agreed to, doofus, you're } lucky that the producers of Jeopardy don't sue *you*. } You owe us $150 for the consultation. } } >>> logout } Disconnect at remote host. } % } ------------------------------------------------------ } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Alex Trebek. --- 280-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: STUDENT, JOE [more name changes -sk] > > Why do people say "God bless you" when you sneeze? > > STUDENT, JOE > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From: STUDENT, JANE } } Howdy Joe!! I see that you have to do this dumb assignment too! I } honestly have no idea why people say "god bless you" when you sneeze. } Sorry!!! If you haven't gone on spring break yet, have a great one!!!!! } Jane. } } STUDENT, JANE } Student --- 280-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My last question to you got eaten over the network. This got me > wondering, what sort of messages do networks like most? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well now, that is a very good question. The all powerful oracle } of course knows the answer, but here's how to find out for yourself: } } 1) Remove the connection from the back of the machine... } } 2) Place the connection in some bodily orifice (just what Lisa } loves to do when I am out of town and can only talk to her over the net } :-) } } 3) Meditate strongly on the deep existential meaning of Michael } Jackson's Thriller Album. } } 4) Chant the Mantra "T-C-P ... IP, T-C-P...IP" } } 5) If successful you are now "ONE WITH THE NETWORK" } } And the answer should be obvious, since the bodily orifice will now fill } up with all the messages that the network rejects. } } You owe the Oracle some mouthwash and an enima. --- 280-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Wise and Literary One, > I am working on an English paper and I desperately need to > know if Shakespeare really said: > "It is better to have been laid and left > then never to have been laid at all."? > thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Indeed he did, but it was a hell of a party. He said a lot of other } things, too, like this, proclaimed while considering his fourth dessert } of the evening: } } Tubby or not tubby? That is the question: } Whether 'tis nobler in the minds of men } To suffer the pangs and harrows of NutriSystem } Or to abdicate, and scarf down more goodies! } To eat, to swell, perchance to burst - } A consumption devoutly to be wish'd. } } And, just before sliding into a drunken stupor amid the soiled rushes: } } A Scotsman by name of MacBeth } Did his friend and his liege lord to death } He was left to a life } All alone with his wife } Who had dandruff, cold feet, and bad breath. } } You owe three sonnets in praise of the Oracle. --- 280-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE THREE STARS IN A STRAIGHT LINE IN THE BIG > DIPPER? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Moe, Larry, and Curly. } } No, wait a minute... that's not right... } } Tom, Dick, and Harry? Huey, Dewey, and Louie?? Winken, Blinken, and } Nod?? Matthew, Mark, and Luke?? Maybe Leroy, Melvin, and Jimmy Lee... } three of the four Teenage Mutant Redneck Turtles (the fourth is, of } course, Bubba). } } Hang on... let me consult the great tome of worthless information... } } } } The names are Melissa, Jennifer, and Crystal. } } Hmm... I think I may have to take up star gazing again. --- 280-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > WHAT IS THE STUFF THAT GROWS BETWEEN YOUR TOES WHEN YOU HAVEN'T TAKEN A > SHOWER IN A WHILE? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is an alien life form, a despicable parasite from planet X in the } Horserear Nebula. These foul alien fiends invaded the earth many eons } ago. for a while they grew uncontrollably and nobody knew how to stop } them. Then one day a well known caveman by the name of Og found the } means to destroy these fiends. He had been entirely covered in the } alien slime, which starts at your toes and moves gradually up your body. } In his pained thrashing and flailing he happened to fall into a pit of } water, which cavemen usually avoided. As the water came into contact } with the alien Fungoids, they dissolved into harmless protoplasmic } residues (Kinda like the wicked witch in the Wizard of Oz...). To his } surprise, Og was not only saved, but he was a lot cleaner too. For a } while he was sad that his favorite weapon had been destroyed. He used } to be able to kill a rampaging Allosaurus with his BO from fifty feet } away. Soon, he came to the conclusion that it was better to be alive } than to be coated with mildew parasites. To his utter horror, the } Fungoids began to grow again after a day or so. Thus began the } primitive life saving ritual that you mortals now know as showering } and/or bathing. When you don't bathe regularly, the Fungoids start a } new assault upon your defenseless bodies and only by subjecting them to } water and a ritual cleanser know to your people as "Irish Spring" can } they be destroyed. } } You owe the Oracle... well, just remember: Next time you send a } question, use a keyboard/terminal that doesn't just use all caps,huh? } That really causes eye strain... --- 280-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the chances that Bobby Knight will coach at Texas A&M ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is a very difficult and chalenging question, for which the Oracle } must search deep withing its memory banks. Please hold the line. } } (Meanwhile here is some music...dum de dum de dum di-di-di-dum la la la } la la dee dee dee... } } We appologise for this delay, we are continuing with your question... } } Oracle: Hey where's my backup memory got to ? } Priest: I don't know it was here a minute ago. } Priest2: I just jumped up an stole our delivery lorry! } Oracle: Oh no, quick chase it, bring me my bike. } } Oracle (peddling very fast along the highway): gasp gasp } Police Officer (on motorbike): Hey man, whats your game? You are doing } 91 mph. } Oracle: I'm trying to catch up with my memory, its in that truck up } ahead. } Officer: In that case, I'll stop it for you. } } One long police chase all, the way to Texas later... } } Oracle: Ah at last , got you. } Memory: Wow, that was fun. } Officer: Now listen here, its an offence to park on someones garden. } } A door opens and a very annoyed looking coach steps out. } } Mr Knight: Oy, you've squashed all of my roses! } Oracle: Sorry. } Mr Knight: I'm in a really bad mood now, for when I coach the Texas team } tomorrow. } } Officer: You have the right remain silent.... } } Oracle (from the back of a police car): Call my lawyer! } } You owe the Oracle $400 dollars in bail money, and a packet of rose } seeds for Bobby Knight. --- 280-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O powerfull being, the omniscient ruler of all trivial knowledge, > I have a question that I'm sure has no answer. If Mickey Mouse > is a mouse and pluto is a dog, of what realm of the animal > kingdom is Goofy. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is one of the more sordid tales of the Disney saga. } } Goofy and Pluto are actually brothers. They both grew up with Mickey } Mouse in the 1930s and 1940s, and were heavily into the underground jazz } that was so prevalent at the time. That's why you hear so much of it in } Disney cartoons. They used to go backstage after the band had stopped } playing (they WERE television stars, you know) and smoke lots of reefer } with the musicians (it wasn't illegal back then.) Tinseltown and jazz } are too much for anyone, and they began to experiment with more drugs, } eventually building up to what was the hardest hallucinogen around in } those days -- psilocybin, or mushrooms. Pluto, sadly, is the victim of } bad mushrooms. } } Goofy and Mickey didn't know what do to. Goofy still loved Pluto like a } brother (for obvious reasons), but couldn't take care of him. And he } sure couldn't continue his normal acting career. So they confessed } their drug use to Walt Disney, who was sympathetic and decided to cast } Pluto as Mickey's dog. (Pluto could still handle that much -- they } didn't need to write a script for him.) And so he was allowed to } continue his acting career without anyone knowing what had really } happened. } } Incidentally, Mickey turned on Walt to reefer, and that's why something } like "Fantasia" came out before the '60s. } } You owe the Oracle a kilo of Jamaican flowertops and some groovy sax. --- 280-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ray Moody The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is your score on the 500 question purity test? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question is meaningless. The Oracle transcends all mundane concepts } of purity: An omniscient being has full knowledge of all possible } experiences, states, and conditions, and is therefore simultaneously } infinitely worldly and pristinely pure (and knows lots of adverbs). The } Oracle has the glorious and goriest details of all possible acts, } actions, and activities. And if you don't start including some flattery } and kowtowing in your questions, the Oracle will start downloading a } choice selection of that knowledge directly into your brain. How'd you } like REMEMBER having twelve gerbils crawling about your large intestine? } Or being serially raped by gangrenous lepers? } } Lisa, on the other hand, has taken all those tests. Several entirely } new branches of mathematics had to be invented in order to analyze the } results. --- 280-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was going to ask you why is there air, but I remembered Bill Cosby > already answered that one. Instead I'll ask you, why is there Bill > Cosby? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Without the semi-almighty Bill, there would be } a) no answer for the question, "Why is there air?" } b) no reason for the existence of Captain Kangaroo, } since Bill Cosby's "Picturepages" segments are } the only thing keeping the show alive. } c) less abuse of honorary degrees (William H. Cosby, } Ed.D.), leading to a renewed interest in actual } learning in America, which would be disastrous } for the networks. } and, } d) A gap in the space/time/net continuum where the } question, "Why is there Bill Cosby" should be. } cf. _It's a Wonderful Life_. } } You owe the Oracle twenty acres and a mule.