From kinzler Fri Mar 15 08:36:53 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 15 Mar 91 08:36:53 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #277 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 277 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #277 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 15 Mar 91 08:36:53 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 272 13 votes 03253 05422 11650 11b00 11533 15412 24601 05251 05620 13441 272 3.0 mean 3.6 3.1 3.2 2.8 3.5 2.8 2.5 3.2 2.8 3.1 --- 277-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis (KM4RB)) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There is definitely something going on here. Something weird. I mean, > how can anyone think it is a coincidence that we have Idaho, Iowa, > Illinois, *and* Indiana? Not only that, but the last 3 are > *contiguous*!!! > > Come to think of it, we've got a *lot* of states that begin with a > vowel... Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Oregon, Ohio, Utah... WAY too many > for just "coincidence" > > WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?!?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle understands your concern; something is indeed very wrong with } a country that starts so many of its states with vowels. What you need } to understand this is a historical perspective: } } In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And God said, } "Let there be Columbus." And there was Columbus. God saw that this was } good, for both "Christopher" and "Columbus" start with consonants. But, } lo, Columbus ate from the tree of the knowledge of Vowels and } Consonants, and God was displeased, and set it into Columbus' mind that } he should set out for the rest of his days to search for vowels. And so } it was that Columbus went in search of the East Indies. [The Oracle } would like to take a moment here to point out that not only do both } words of East Indies start with consonants, but that "East" starts with } two of them.] Instead, however, Columbus discovered the New World. And } this was good, for both New and World start with consonants. But man } grew corrupt and wanted to name the New World. So God made Amerigo } Vespucci to name the New World after. However, instead of calling the } land "Vespuccia," as God had planned, man broke convention and named the } New World after Vespucci's first name, calling it "America." And God's } wrath burned against the new country in America, and cursed it so that } not only did its name start with a vowel (United States, remember?), but } that many of its state's names would, as well. } } In recent times, this has led to such things as the decline of the } dollar, the rise of the trade deficit, especially in trade with Japan } (notice..a consonant country!), and other curses, such as junk mail, the } Yugo, and Dan Quayle. } } Xn xrdxr tx xppxxsx Gxd's wrxth, yxx shxxld stxp xsxng vxwxls xs sxxn xs } yxx cxn. } } Yxx xwx thx Xrxclx xn Xxtrx-Lxrgx bxx xf X's. --- 277-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is sex really important in a relationship? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, bother. You know, you puny little supplicants who don't grovel } properly really get on my nerves. And then you don't even introduce a } properly amusing context. Really. Well, I suppose I'll have to deal } with it one way or another... } } % omni-matic } Welcome to the Omni-matic V3.02b amusing rejoinder generator! } > read "sniveling-sex-question" } OK } } > suggest replies } Working... } 1 - there's always the Oedepus angle } 2 - take "relationship" in strict mathematical sense } 3 - take "relationship" in most general terms } 4 - flame the pathetic loser } OK } } > generate option 1 short } -Is that any way to talk to your mother?! } } Probably over the head of most sniveling supplicants. } } > generate option 2 short } -Most relations really only want to be commutative and associative. So } -just move over and parenthesize the one you're with. } } Nah, hugs aren't really math nerds' style. } } > generate option 3 short } - Gee, not with your car! I mean, get a *life*! } } Some possibilities here. Might be a bit too obvious, though. } } > generate option 4 long | head -4 } -Oh, bother. You know, you puny little supplicants who don't grovel } -properly really get on my nerves. And then you don't even introduce a } -properly amusing context. Really. Well, I suppose I'll have to deal } -with it one way or another... } } Say... I think I like this one. } } > generate option 4 long >reply-to-sniveling-sex-question } OK } } >done } % mail snivel@supp.licant.grovel reply-to-sniveling-sex-question } } You owe the Oracle V3.03 of omni-matic. --- 277-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, why is acid so nice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But that's where our hero was completely mistaken! For unbeknownst to } him, as the winch dropped him slowly to the floor, directly underneath } was a giant tub of boiling sulfuric acid! } } Be sure to tune in for next week's exciting episode: } "I go to pieces" } or } "Vat's-a-matta you?" } } You owe the Oracle a funny reason why you should escape. --- 277-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In an interview with NPR news, Carl "BILLyuns and BILLyuns" Sagan > explained that the burning oil wells in Kuwait could cause climatic > changes across southern Asia, imperilling the food supply for a BILLyun > people. Did he have any idea how funny that sounded? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Carl Sagan is, indeed, a stand-up comedian in } Ithaca, New York. He has many friends there who are } scientists at Cornell University, and who tell him things } to use as a background for his special brand of comic } storytelling. He even "teaches" a "class" at Cornell } from time to time. It's usually in astronomy, since no one } ever signs up for astronomy courses, and if they do, he can } take them to an observatory and hold his hand } over the end of the telescope, saying things like, } "It's a bit cloudy tonight, so I can't point out any of the } astronomical wonders I'm so familiar with. Shall } we go into the conference room and watch "Cosmos" again?" --- 277-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hay, oracle, shaboom shaboom, you are the greatest, yah > yah yah, ooh baby, woo, we all love you 'cause you're so > rad. > > Write me a song about people who sneeze at mealtime! > > Please?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Songwriter? With all Our magnificence, you wish Us to } be a lousy songwriter? (further protestations deleted) } Okay. But don't tell ASCAP... } } (Sung to a reasonably well-known "Mike and the Mechanics" tune) } } I said "cook what you want to cook" } "Serve what you want to serve" } I didn't care if you made spaghetti } or cinn'mon bagels with peach preserves } } And I know you worked very hard } I'll admit the fried chick'n was good } But I forgot how you prepare the batter } And I'm allergic to milk'n'eggs } } And though you're not eas'ly offended } I'm gonna be grossing you ou-u-u-u-t } } (Refrain) } All I need is a Kleenex } A good napkin will do } All I need is a Kleenex } You've got some, haven't you? } All I need is a Kleenex } All I need...aaaaah-choo! } } I haven't had lots of sleep } I've been hacking Lisp code all week long } I was caught in this morning's rainstorm } No wonder I now have a cold } } 'Cause I've missed you I got off work } And made sure I was here on time } Ev'rything looks really romantic } The china and the candlelight } } Though the fondue is tres magnifique } I know that something is about to go wro-o-o-ong } } Repeat refrain } } (bridge) } } And because of some crazy request } I'm telling you this in a so-o-o-o-o-ong } } Repeat refrain } (fade out) } } You owe the Oracle an insurance claim from your psychoanalyst } stating that you have discussed with her this need of yours } to maintain control over food. --- 277-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O mighty oracular Oracle, who is quite wise, > Grant to me this bit of wisdom: > > What are the secrets of alchemy? > > Thanks, > A faithful acolyte. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have you ever noticed in the old, dusted over texts and the } scrolls of alchemy that there is one resounding element } that is ubiquitous to every erudite and esoteric manual of } pre-chemistry that has ever existed? Have you noticed } that this is truly the philosopher's stone of all learning- } the majestic fount of all science? What is it that I know of } that you obviously know less than nothing about? The grand } and mighty artichoke! } Oh revel in its glory the foundation of all science: } Behold- twelve good uses of artichoke! } } 1) Brings about life. The artichoke perfectly formed and } solitary in its mental abilities makes the finest of all } materials for the brain of your brand new homonculus. } 2) Changes base metals into Gold. For real, man, it works! } rub a little of the all natural power of the artichoke's } uncanny juices onto common iron or copper and with a rush } of elemental change and atomic restructuring it will become } radiant with the glimmer of gold. } 3) Protects vs Lightning. Wear a band of Artichokes around your } head like a wreath of magic and the immense anti-charge } force of those arcane vegetables will save you from a } christmas-tree like death. } 4) Talk to Animals. With an Artichoke convieniently and firmly } gripped in your left hand the magnificent parascientific } abilities of it will allow you to be fully understood } and to understand beings of different levels of communication } skill and IQ. Might even let you understand women. Maybe. } 5. Cures Genital Warts. No explanation needed. } 6. Eliminates the Stench from Flatulations. When eaten in } great quantities will allow the consumer to fart at will } with no embarassing questions asked later as to why the } room s/he occupies is a container for such a feteor. } 7. Makes You Look Sexy. One of these boogers stuffed in the } right position in your pants or bras gives the illusion } of being some sort of ultra-potent superbeing from another } planet. Never be alone at night again. } 8. Pilots Spacecraft even through Meteor Showers with no } Short Range Scanners. But this is too long and dry to get } into, I must move on... } 9. Grants Levitation Skills. By slicing the mighty Artichoke } and caressing yourself with the slimy slices, you will learn } to fly and toss yourself about in the breeze with the ease of } a seagull. } 10. Makes you High. Hey, the indians had peyote. The 60's had } banannas. Why not the artichoke to get you through a busy } day. With new-age alchemy and an artichoke- speak to Buddha } in the privacy of your own home. } 11. Entice the Storms. Using the eldrich power of the artichoke } to master and dominate the natural elements like storms and } hurricanes- devastate your home town by calling one of them } to you- right where you live! } 12. Save Money. By eating and using the artichoke to do all of } these wondrous things, you will have no desire left in you } to buy such expensive things as cars, houses or meals. } Wrapped up in Artichoke Mysticism you will have no chance to } become a full-fledged and moneyless consumer. Saves you } mucho bucks. } } You owe the Oracle a years supply of that great vegetable so that } he can live in peace and ataraxia. } } (Made possible by a grant from the Society of Artichoke Farmers } of the World) --- 277-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HELP ME I AM IN LOVE WITH A KEEBLER ELF. > CAN A RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A CARTOON AND A REAL PERSON > WORK OUT? > > ALOS YOU HAVE CUTE TOES. > > LOVE, > > LAURA SCUDDER And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, that Keebler elf is just as real as you! I am assuming that you } are a member of the racial subset "potatus chipsa" now, as my all-pow- } erful and all-knowing interface with the Multiverse is buggy right now } and good service is so hard to find these days... } } Anyways, while an interracial relationship is hard, especially if the } families are traditional, I feel that yours can work out. I mean both } of you are about the same size, even if you might experience some kind } of anatomical difficulty, at least you don't have to worry about being } sat on by a "normal" sized partner. Hey, there is a lot of potential } for lots of kinky stuff, considering "anatomically correct" Keebler } cookies. } } Sure, it's going to be hard, dealing with a two-dimensional guy, but } then again, it seemed ok in Roger Rabbit, didn't it? So stick to your } guns, young camper, and if it doesn't work out, you can come and tickle } my toes with an osterich feather while I give you the pedicure of your } life. } } You owe the Oracle a box of double-fudge anatomically incorrect Keebler } cookies and your #. --- 277-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, omniscient Oracle, whom we may thank for the flattening of the > Universe's IQ bell curve, please enlighten me. > > If everything that goes up must come down, why does it go up in the > first place? Is this just a frivolous waste of energy, or a > phenomenon created to justify the existence of the Second Law of > Thermodynamics (Therm. 2, verse 1)? > > Your humble servant, > > Vic And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Vic, you ignorant slut! It has nothing to do with the 2nd Law of } TermDyn 2 VrsI. Frivolous waste? Nyahhh...lemme esplain (burt fihrst, } annothur tripp to thruh reeefrijjerater fore uh cold 1.) } } Ahhhh....[gulp..gulp.gulpglpgpgsp] brp! } } Hkay, ya wonno no abowt gowin urp, er, going Up, and goin down...heh! } S'an ezee one cause 't's an ole trik omine... } } th' waaa i seeeit is that wegaosasah gadfj;ariu } } MESSAGE FROM message-daemon@response.oracle.com } } Victor, we're keeping a close eye on the ol' "Orc" tonight, and regret } that there seems to be some interference with the brain-go-keyboard } link. Please pay close attention to the content of the message you } are given, as we all know that even under the most extreme } circumstance, The Oracle is always on target. Heh! We're betting } that the next 'target' is going to be the porcelin alter! } } EOT } } show, like I wuxz shayin to her, "eethur get off thuh mark and gid onna } stik" } } Maaaaaaan, she hitttah seeeelin! hahahahaaaaaaa...wayda minnit, vic? } Vic? VIC? } } Ho don na minit...ehrm, shory vik...phyew.. } } MESSAGE FROM message-daemon@response.oracle.com } } Greetings Victor. The Oracle is currently Off-Line for a reboot. We } are expecting to find some failures in the fsck process, and may take } some time to repair disconnected inodes. Our staff is summoning a } group of reference personel to provide an answer to your inquiry. } } [conference being held] } } Here are our findings: } } Gravity is your opponent. What goes up must come down. That's all } there is to it. } } Any Questions? } } EOT } } ...annnnywayvic, calllme t'morrah, i hav yer anser arroun here sumwer... } } ya o mee shum takeela withouta werminnit. } } goto sleep...pshawwwwwww } . } ^Z } ^D } ESC-Q } ctrl-alt-del } } whut operatin sistym izzthish>? } } o..lesssee } } bang-STOP } } [3879] Killed --- 277-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why must we live and die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you poor mortals always ask questions like that. Being immortal is } such fun: you can point at funeral processions and laugh with your } immortal cronies; you can take dangerous risks; you can say things like, } "Hey, remember the time we put the dinosaur on the frozen lake, and } it couldn't work out why it couldn't keep its feet still?" and you can } get rich with long-term investments (someone once calculated that if } the Indians who sold Manhattan for $24 worth of junk had invested the } money at seven per cent, they could buy it back today). That's why I'm } so rich, I invested at two percent 2000 years ago. Yes, it's GOOD to } be immortal! } } Let me include for your benefit the output from the first artificial } intelligence program (which ran a long time ago in a galaxy far away, } but that's beside the point): } } [translated from the Tounge of the Hyuuurgh-Splot people:] } } > I } > I think } > I think I think, I think } > I think that I think } > I think because? } > I think therefore } > I think therefore I exist } > QED. } > Why? } > Why exist I? } > Why do I exist? } } This program [file name untranslatable: rough equivalents: foobar? } glitch?] was not fully debugged, but it has the honour [by the } equivalent of only five and a bit hours] of being the first intelligence } created by mortal beings. (The program fetid.armpit in another distant } galaxy was only a middling hyperchess computer, and suffered from the } bug of trying to move the megapawn through the temporal warp.) } } As you can see, the concept of 'why do I exist?' is a popular one, and } was especially popular with Pythagoras back in the days when the Gods of } Mount Olympus still had jobs (hi guys and gals). He started out with 'I } think therefore I am,' and after this popular breakthrough went on with } the question 'Why do I exist?' and after years of thinking, came up with } the following list: } } - So the King can tax me. (The King liked this one.) } - I exist because I think. (Wasn't popular with the crowds, I'm afraid.) } - So that I can copulate. (This was much more popular.) } - I live to drink. (This was popular with another crowd, and is the } cause of a hitherto unexplained small war back then.) } - I was put on this earth to drink and fuck. (This is how the war ended, } and why ancient Greece was so easy for the Romans to conquer, } because everyone was either getting smashed on ouzo, smashed on } ouzo, recovering from being smashed on ouzo, or in the sack } making more ancient Greeks.) } - Cor blimey, that's a nice piece of arse! (Privacy laws here forbid my } commenting on Pythagoras' private life.) } - I am the music man, I come from far away. (Hmm, seems the travelling } Bard was in town that week.) } - So the King can tax me more. (The King liked bootlickers.) } - I like to wear a uniform, and to fight everyone. (Sparta was a really } rough place back then.) } } About then, he stopped philosophising because of some hefty payment by } the King for some unknown reason, and he retired from the Acropolis } philosophy circuit. (There is an unconfirmed rumour that he then worked } for the King.) } } He was on the right track, but Douglas Adams came closer to the real } reason in his famous Hitchhiker trilogy, in which he represents } Mankind's quest for truth by the travels of the pair Dent and Prefect } around the galaxy. The reason why you live is represented by Zaphod } Beeblebrox's raison d'etre, which was to have an 'amazingly good time.' } The question "What is the meaning of life" can also be seen to be } represented by the Answer, which was deceptively simple, and the Answer, } which was represented by the Question, was much more difficult. } } But I hate writing book reviews as much as you hate reading them (I am, } after all, the all-seeing, all-knowing, all-party-animalistic Oracle) so } we press on. } } Why do you die? This question is rather more straightforward. If you } were all immortal beings like us, the Earth would soon become } overcrowded. To read from God's latest book, "Meaning:" } } "And the people went forth, and multiplied; and God saw that it was } good. But then Adam II discovered the secret of Immortality, and made a } huge fortune flogging it in the markets for ten bucks a pop. So the } people died not, and continued to multiply: so that soon the lands were } full of people, and they could move not one from another. So God said, } 'Let there not be any more sex in the world, and let all the men be } eunuchs, and let all the women be spayed: so that there will be no } further multiplying, and no further crowding.' But Adam II said, 'What } then, O Lord God, shall we do with our wives on Saturday night?' And } God said, 'Surely that is your problem, for you wanted Immortality } without thinking of the consequences: and it is too late now.' And } Adam II said, 'But there are only so many times we can play bridge with } the Noahs.' And God said, 'Tough titties.' " } } [Text (C) God Inc.] } } I think that reading will provide the answer you need. It's obvious, } really. (But then, everything is obvious to the Oracle.) } } Don't forget, the non-sex bit only applies to those originally designed } as mortals. Right, Lisa? } } LISA INFILTRATES> Right! } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the sex manual, "1001 More Positions for } Immortal Beings." --- 277-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most funny, > > If regular cops eat donuts, what do the following eat: FBI, CIA, KGB, > State Police, Secret Service and suburban cops? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle had some information on what they eat. } Suburban cops: donuts and a bottle of Evian } FBI: Croissants, because they are up higher } CIA: Classified. It is a matter of National Security } KGB: Nothing. There is a food shortage in the U.S.S.R. } State Police: Jelly donuts and a Large Coffee. Paid by taxpayers, of } course. } } You owe the Oracle a Dozen of each of the following: Croissants, Jelly } donuts, , and regular Donuts (chocolate covered) ; and a } gallon of Evian and Coffee. I'm not going to eat it, just use it for me } an Lisa.