From kinzler Wed Feb 20 16:42:51 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 20 Feb 91 16:42:51 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #269 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 269 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #269 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 20 Feb 91 16:42:51 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 264 15 votes 28320 11418 23433 21921 22182 44430 26430 36411 36420 65310 264 2.7 mean 2.3 3.9 3.1 2.9 3.4 2.4 2.5 2.4 2.3 1.9 --- 269-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How big is an "ib cart?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle requests that you expand all abbreviations in your questions. } The Oracle know what you mean, but mortal readers are momentarily } confused. For example... } } > define ib } Accessing Oracular Complete and Unabridged Dictionary and Really Nifty } Reference Book... } } ib abbrev 1) in bond 2) inbound 3) incendiary bomb 4) intelligence } branch 5) invoice book 6) ichor blotter 7) iguana burger } 8) illegitimate brother 9) Iraqi badger 10) internal blister } 11) interracial buggery } } While several of the meanings of "ib" lead to intriguing interpretations } of your question, the Oracle knows, of course, that you intended meaning } 7. } } The preparation of iguana burgers is a difficult art, requiring a } complex mixture of herbs, spices, deodorizers, and broad-spectrum } disinfectants. However, the process takes very little equipment, and so } can be performed on a portable, wheeled cart containing grill, } spice-rack, and iguana cages. Altogether, these carts measure only 5 } feet 3 inches in length, 4 feet tall, and two-and-a-half feet wide, not } counting the retractible aluminum-fenced iguana runs. (Nothing worse } than a flabby iguana. Yuk!) With the recent surge in popularity of } iguanocuisine, iguana burger carts will soon be found on street corners } across America. --- 269-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, Asthon wants you to sneak into Aborathea through underground > passages and rescue his son, does he? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yep, he does. And so, I fear, it will happen. You see, Asthon has some } very interesting pictures of the Oracle, a goat and a small Arab boy } which the Oracle does *not* want published. Not that the Usenetters } would care much (and the a.s.b crowd would probably like it), but the } wrath of Lisa is not to be taken lightly. } So you might as well release the boy at once, you don't stand a chance } against Me anyway. } } You owe the Oracle a new identity. --- 269-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh beloved, tastefully dressed, most wise Oracle, > Please tell me: > > Does this woman you often refer to, this "Lisa" really > exist? Your assistant Oracles sometimes refer to her > also. Does the same Lisa attend all of them, or is > each member of the Oracle Priesthood issued his own > Lisa? (And if there are women in the Oracle Priesthood, > are they issued a similar companion?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, Oh Befuddled One, Lisa does indeed exist. There are few beings } so gifted with insight as she. Her words of infinite wisdom and her } genuine concern for her fellow beings have enriched the lives of all who } have had the pleasure of conversing with her. Her advisory capacity to } the Priesthood has been most valued, indeed. } Unfortunately, Lisa has been quite busy lately; she has taken on } duties outside of the Priesthood of late, and because of this, she is } not as active within her official duties as she once was. We regret } this wholeheartedly, but we understand that one of her most worthy goals } in life is to gain enough material wealth as possible in order to help } needy people everywhere, and the mere token offerings we make to her } cannot even begin to help Lisa to realize her noble philanthropic } dreams. } Hopefully you will understand that this is the main reason that Lisa } has been so difficult to establish contact with, and again we are very } sorry. However, if you should wish to contact her, please write to the } following address: } } Lisa Simpson } c/o Fox Broadcasting Inc. } 126 Fox Plaza } New York, NY 10023 } } You owe the Oracle a night in the Springfield Holiday Inn for this } answer. --- 269-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > > > > > > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > > > > > > Your question was: > > > > > > > Oh Oracle most Oracular, please tell me > > > > > > > Why are your answers frequently so verbose? > > > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > > > > } Not this incarnation's. Shows a lack of > > > > > > } skill with humor: the need to do > > > > > > } a lot to get a very small laugh, like David > > > > > > } Letterman and his writers. All > > > > > > } incarnations should study great humor (Goon > > > > > > } Show, Monty Python, S. J. Perelman, > > > > > > } etc.) and learn how to be funny or interesting > > > > > > } in a small space. > > > > > Oh yeah. Great job of being funny in a small space. > > > > > Not. Care to try again? > > > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > > > } Ok. > > > > } SPAM!!!!!!!!! > > > > } you owe the oracle a copy of "Monty Python live > > > > } at the Hollywood Bowl." > > > Not making much progress, are you? Once more? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } Oh, Piss off!!! > Oh my. Getting wittier by the minute. Can you be funny? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, listen and try to get this right, } I am the Oracle, so mighty and bright. } People ask me questions, dumb and inane, } It's a wonder I manage, somehow, to stay sane. } } They ask "Why?" and "How?" (the answer is "FOO!"), } And "If you were me, then what would you do?"; } About Lisa's bra size (it's 39 D) } And about the exams next week ("Wait and see!") } } They ask about Gorby, and Bush and Saddam, } And sometimes they whine when the answer is "spam". } In fact, I am witty whenever I may, } But some people complain whatever I say. } } Some answers are witty and some are profound, } Some answers are silly and others ill-found. } Sometimes they're verbose, and sometimes they're terse, } Sometimes (like now) they're written in verse. } } You can't make demands, you'll have to accept, } That *I* write the answers - that is, except } If you want my job - you're welcome to it, } I'm getting tired of writing this sh*t. } } Here is my terminal, and the manual (read it!). } Here is a copy of Webster's - you'll need it. } Here is the queue of questions ingenious, } I'm off with Lisa - there's a party at Lena's. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything - from now on, you *are* the Oracle. } Have fun! } } [This particular version of the Oracle was incarnated in Lund, Sweden, } in the corporeal form of someone who should have known better than } spending his time writing doggerel for the Oracle. But what the ***.] --- 269-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HOW CAN I GET AN A IN THIS CLASS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } +----------------------------------------------------+ } | | } | T. Oracle, PhD | } | | } | Professor of Wisdom and Knowledge | } | | } | | } | Office Hours: Whenever truly needed | } | | } | You don't need to knock, I know you're there | } | | } +----------------------------------------------------+ } } O: Hello supplicant, how may I help you? } } S: Prof. Oracle, I really need an A in this class. I've been working } _awfully_ hard this semester, but I fell asleep during the last } exam, which is why I only got a 43. } } O: Yes, I know. I also know that you spent the night before seeing if } you could drink enough cans of beer to completely cover your window } in the dorm and block out the light from the tennis courts. If you } hadn't had those beer nuts and barfed, you might have made it, too! } } S: I'm glad you understand, Professor. Is there anything I can do in } the meantime for extra credit? } } O: Well, I do have this backlog of questions from oracle.edu to finish, } and it's tough to grade exams and be funny at the same time. } Grading exams is usually *so* depressing! Then again, so are } reading most of the pitiful questions I've been getting this } semester. What's the matter, did they stop teaching Big Ten } students how to party? Or are you guys still trying to figure out } what went wrong with the football team? Next thing you know, you'll } be losing to Northwestern! } } S: Gee, I don't know, Professor. Isn't it kinda unethical for a } _student_ to be answering questions for the Oracle? } } O: (Where's this kid from, Illinois? Chee, they're getting more naive } all the time.) No it isn't, son. You see, you're really only doing } the background research on the questions. I'll do the final } drafting and make sure that the questions receive the Oracle touch. } (Yeah, and Sadaam Hussein was the guest of honor at your beer blast } last night! How does this shmuck think professors get their } curriculum vitae so long?) Now, just sit here at the terminal and } answer a few questions while I finish that stack of exams at my } desk. I'll give you ten points makeup credit for every question you } answer, and another ten points if any of them make the } Oracularities. } } # mail -f mbox -noheaders } } > Help! I've fallen and I can't get up. } } r } Aw shaddup, granny. I told you a Seniors roller skating party was a } dumb idea. } ^d } } > Oh Oracle, most wise electronic djinn, where do the soap bubbles go } > when I take a bubble bath? } } r } You'll find the answer on the evening news. Film at 11. } ^d } } > Who is John Galt? } } r } Don't ask me, I'm still waiting for Godot. } ^d } } > Where's the closest bathroom? } } r } Go up the stairs to the roof and piss off! } ^d } } > Which is better, the IBM P/C or the Macintosh? } } r } Actually, baked at 450 degrees for an hour, and sauteed with butter, } both are excellent! I'd recommend a Rhone wine with the IBM P/C, but } for the Macintosh you really need a more robust wine like a Cabernet } Sauvignon. Serve some Sparc chips as an appetizer, and for dessert, } Apple ][ pie, of course. } ^d } } } S: Professor, I've answered five questions, so is my grade a 93? } } O: Sure, son, and thanks a lot. Oh, and by the way, its a lot easier } to read the textbook after you unwrap it. See you in three weeks } after the next exam, I suppose. } } } &^%$#@ undergraduates. Why couldn't the Dean let me teach only graduate } seminars this semester. They write much better answers. --- 269-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that "credits on the right and debits on the left"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A dang good question (although severely lacking in honorifics). The } reason is, of course, historical. It started back in the Good Old } Days, during a time when slaves were the common tokens of commerce. } The problem was that negative numbers had not yet been invented, and } yet there needed to be a way of representing debt. } } An arguably brilliant accountant of that era decided that rather than } removing debits from an account, one should add an item of equal *but } opposite* worth. Thus, for example, if you bought a barrel of wine } but could not pay for it in good slaves, the seller could give you a } selection of his poor slaves who would, in the course of their work, } break dishes, burn dinner, and so on; thus, the seller's assets had } effectively increased while yours had decreased. Those who had more } poor slaves then good were usually in a bad mood, and would sometimes } beat the slaves until bleeding, leading to the phrase "being in the } red" (while the ingenuity demonstrated by the accountants might lead } one to believe that this time was civilized, it was, in fact, not). } } While this method avoided negative numbers, it still had drawbacks; } one problem was how to determine the relative assets of seller and } buyer. A convention emerged wherein the seller and buyer would face } one another, each with their good slaves on their right and, as you } guessed, their poor slaves on their left; then a simple pairing off } could be used to determine who had more of what. It is easy to see } how this lead to the rule in modern accounting. } } You owe the Oracle tuition for an accounting class in night school. --- 269-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle who can see through the thickest pile of BS ever written > in a term paper,please help me > > The last few days,I have noticed a strange phenomenon. Whenever I > download load things from my account to my home computer, I have > discovered that I can raise my modem's Maximum BAUD rate from 2400 to > 13000 just by laying my hands on the modem and the monitor. Also,this > seems to cut down the number of errors while downloading to a piddling > sum,whereas if I don't concentrate, I get error after error. How is it > that I can affect the workings of my computer system so? I know it's > not coincidence because I've tried experiments for the last month or so > and it allways happens. Can you help me understand this mystery? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Too simple, Oh Esteemed Questioner! You have been granted } mysterious powers by The Computer Ghods that allow you to exceed the } realms of hardware sensibility. This is due to invisible "magic" rays } that emanate from your fingers and toes. I don't want you to get } nervous or anything; just realize that you have powers far beyond those } of mortal users. I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't think you } could handle it. } Oh yes, and when you go to sleep, every computer in the world } stops until you wake up. At your service, as always... --- 269-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, winner of a thousand Grammys, why is dorm food so much > like toxic waste? And does this explain the appearances of most > cafeteria workers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is, indeed, a relationship between the noxious nature of dorm } food and the appearance of those who work in close proximity to it. } While We hope not to offend or discourage those hardy souls brave } enough to undertake(!) employment in dorm cafeterias, We feel the } ugly truth must be told. } } You will notice that these people tend toward worse physical woes as } time passes....this is consistent with the strains brought about by } constant harassment from unruly, slovenly ingrates constantly } nagging, whining, and just plain old bitching about the food which } dorm cafeteria employees work so long and hard to produce. And tell } the truth, would you want to have to clean up after 350 of you day } after day? The Oracle knows you wouldn't. } } Time passes, a dorm employee's body withers, and ultimately dies. } This is natural. However, the source of those occasional *really } awful* meat-something-in-gravy-paste entrees is.....well, some would } call it unnatural. } } Think about it. } } Now that you know the ultimate relationship between dorm food and } its purveyors, you owe the Oracle a better taste in its mouth. --- 269-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You didn't listen to my advice and got too close to the black hole, } didn't you? I told you, not even can escape the } deadly grip of the hole's gravity once you cross the event horizon. The } answer to your question is: "No, you can't make it back in time for } Twin Peaks. You're stuck in limbo for good." } } You owe the Oracle a tachyon custard pie. --- 269-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Famed Oracle of a Thousand Truths, > > Do six pairs of socks make a dozen? > > Your Humble Student, > Drew Olbrich And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question is actually a reasonable one, } Though it might seem a bit superfluous. } For when Lisa was doing Our laundry of late, } She returned with a basket of no less than eight } Unpaired socks, leaving them incongruous. } } If I am allowed to read between the lines } Of the plaintive request you've orated, } I can see that you've got a whole bushel of hose, } No two of which match, even discounting those } Which have been, through much time, perforated. } } The Oracle suffered for many eons } 'Til encountering one H. D. Thoreau. } His answer led Me out of hosiery crisis. } He said, I recall, "Beware of enterprises } which require one to purchase new clothes." } } As Time wore on, new answers appeared } that relaxed My concerns about fashion. } One Friday, when Lisa returned from her coven, } I asked Her "Do six pairs of socks make a dozen?" } She attacked me with terrible passion. } } She stripped off My clothes, and She reached for the oil, } ...Please forgive My orgasmic remembrance. } For We're one dozen shy of a six-socks-pair load, } And the true answer looms like a promising toad } To be kissed in the very next sentence. } } The answer, oh mortal, is "who gives a damn?" } My sweet Muse must be used only nobly. } These dangerous sock-questions threaten to spoil Her } So you owe the Oracle myrrh for to oil Her; } (marked, please, "for external use only") } } [transcribed for Earthlings by the oracle's servant } John Sahr johns@magneto.ee.cornell.edu]