From kinzler Sat Feb 16 11:09:03 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 16 Feb 91 11:09:03 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #267 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 267 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #267 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 16 Feb 91 11:09:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 262 15 votes 22263 02544 41820 24513 24243 23532 54420 55410 35511 45420 262 2.8 mean 3.4 3.7 2.5 2.9 3.1 3.0 2.2 2.1 2.5 2.3 --- 267-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I think the > lure was just too strong. You were attracted to Malachie, weren't > you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, until she revealed her true form. She lured me into her hut deep } in the forest, and bathed me in a rich bath scented with rose petals. } Then she let down her long, red-gold hair and let her rich, } cloth-of-gold robe slip off of her body. She was flawlessly beautiful, } with hard, firm breasts like large ripe apples, the sinuous waist of a } serpent, and generous, welcoming hips. Her face seemed to grow lovelier } by the moment. It was too much and I seized her and we made love like } weasels struck with madness. At the point of climax a horrid cackling } laugh emerged from her ruby lips, and her sweet breath became foul, and } her perfect skin became loose on her body and slits opened in it. She } pulled off her face and scalp to reveal a hideous old hag! "Do you love } me now, silly boy?" she cackled, hideous hag that she had become. The } unemptied tub, I noticed, was full of foul, stinking ditch-water, and } the cloth-of gold robe had grown dull and tattered. "I will bear your } child now," cackled the hag. } } You owe the Oracle a course in writing cheap fantasy fiction, and } another in f**king enthralled foolish young women at SF&F conventions. --- 267-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *** Oracle TimeWaster Filter Version 6.66 Patchlevel 42 } You have asked one of the five most often asked questions, and will } therefore be answered by this program. The answer will be completely } personalized and not differ at all from what the real Oracle would } have written. And if it does differ, it will certainly be much better, } considering how much time the Oracle spends drinking, smoking } questionable substances and in bed with Lisa. If you just knew what } state he usually is in when answering questions, you'd never write to } him again. If you could just see him squinting at the monitor with his } bloodshot eyes, vainly trying to hit the right key. Sometimes the } spellchecking daemon more or less *writes* the answers for him. } And does the Oracle thank Spelly for his work? Noo sire! He just yells } at him, accusing him of "destroying the aesthetics and sublimity of } his text"! Sublimity my ass, gibberish is what I'd call it. } Oh, anyway, here's your answer: } } Because she's allergic to roses. And it's not that bad, really, she's } still quite fond of you. Try chocolate next time. --- 267-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a bone-headed slime puppy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A bone-headed slime puppy is the evil arch enemy of the Happy-go-lucky } Furry Bunny, and tends to attack the bunnies whenever possible. The } only historical refrence to the slime puppy is that it's the animal who } finally killed and ate "Jim" from Mutual of Omaha. --- 267-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omniscient and slightly secure Oracle, master of all holiness, I > abase myself in the face of your Ninja wisdom. How is it that great > warriors catch bullets in their teeth and spit them back? How might I > learn this great art? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The art of catching bullets requires many years of rigerous study, } incredible reflexes and major stupidity. But the Oracle see that you } are stedfast on you course of action and will suggest a exercise program } for you. } } #1 Start out with Daily Teeth warmups. Get up, and go through a } few boxes of Honeycomb ceral, no milk. This will get your } teeth ready for their morning exercise. } } #2. Go out for a walk. As you are walking, keep you eyes open } for extremely hard objects (steel girders, telephone stablizer } wires, stop signs, etc) and run over to them, and sink your teeth } in them as few times each. Find at least five objects and do } the "muchies" on each object 20 times. If you start to lose } teeth, keep going. This is normal. Use them for a key chain } or something. As summer comes, try to catch flies in your teeth } as they buzz past you. This will become easier and easier. } } #3 Have a Fello Ninja throw a bullet toward you that you catch, } increasingly harder and harder. Mond the bullet doesn't hit your } face, in fact for exercise- hit you face aaginst a stone wall } for a few hours to toughen it up. } } #4 You are now ready for the big test. Get a gun. A bullet. Might } as well take a sig or two of wiskey. It might help. Have the } Fellow Ninja Point the gun, and shoot. Imagine the bullet as a } tasty snack that's flying at you at over a mile a second and you } need to bit it with you teeth. At this poit several things should } be happening: The bullet should be moving, you should be opening } oyur mouth, and watching the bullet.Get ready. Here it comes. } MUNCH! Congratulations. You have caught the bullet. } } You owe be Orakle a new seft of teeft anf a tube of Toofpastefh. --- 267-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, what happened? > > I hit "r" to reply to the question I was to answer, and then the > cursor changed from a filled rectangle to just a frame. I could > actually see the letter under it. > > When I finished and sent the reply, it changed back. > > What does this mean? It's never happened before. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, one of several things may have happened. I could tell you which, } but then if it happened again you'd ask Me again, so I'll tell you how } to judge for yourself. } } 1) You were temporarily taken over by the true spirit of the Oracle, } that's Me, which granted you penetrating wisdom and sight for the } duration of your answer. You know this happened if you wrote a really } witty answer and ended with:"You owe the Oracle a dozen buxom babes and } a Lambourgini." } } 2) You were temporarily taken over by the spirit of the Oracle's } Nemesis, Ralph, the AntiOracle of Uselessnet. You know this happened if } you wrote a twitly reply which ended with:"You owe the Oracle a punch in } the eye, a gallon of cod liver oil and an EMP from a tactical nuke } detonated within a mile of iuvax." } } 3) You were taken over by the spirit of Clearasil. You know this } happened if you wrote a clearheaded, err, clear-faced reply to an } unctious question and ended with:"The Oracle requires you to picket } Oxy-5 retailers." } } 4) You were taken over by the spirit of Superman, whose x-ray vision let } you see through the cursor. (That was a reality check -- if you really } think you might have been taken over by Superman, it's time to resume } councelling.) } } 5) You were taken over by the spirit of Unix, which allowed you to see } into the depths of your machine. You know this happened if in the } course of your reply, you had to detonate several PC's. } } 6) You were taken over by the spirit of optometry, who wanted you to } know how much more you COULD see if you changed your bottle bottoms for } real glasses. This is probably the case if your bottle bottoms are so } scratched that you can no longer clearly read the trademark. } } You owe the Oracle a cold shower: those winking cursors really excite } Me. --- 267-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > since you seem to be the hippest creature in the universe, > please tell me, what is the best drink at all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has noticed that you humans often have several favorite } drinks and will not attempt to sort out the best one from your sorrid } bunch. However, the Oracle does indulge in a bit of AC power now and } then, so will offer these favorites, from which you may choose your own } best drink. } } "The Shocker" is a mixed drink, made with vodka, gin, everclear } and a bit of lime grenadine in a Tom Collins glass, which is } then hooked up to a small generator. As you drink, the generator } sends a current through your body, giving you a bit of "afterglow" } effect. Also known as "The Ben Franklin". } } "The Koozbane Bash" is made with an assortment of heavy spirits, } including, brandy, port, whiskey and sherry, which are then sent } through a particle accelerator, causing the drink to break up into } it's sub atomic make up. The remaining atomic parts are put into a } small lead-lined container which the person ordering the drink } swallows. This drink always has very unusual effects and has the } distinction of being the most expensive drink on the planet, at a } prince of 2.5 Billion a shot. Bottoms up. } } "The Anaconda Enema" is a drink best not ordered in mixed company. } } "The Butt Dance" is a drink that moves very quickly to your hind } quarters and begins to vibrate them at serveral beats per second. } Good for Dancing and mooning people afterward, please do not } order at a Trucker's stop. } } "The Meldown" Offers people of the Nuclear age the chance to } really find out what the waste products taste like. Be warned, } this drink is not for those who want to remeber anything the mext } morning. } } "The EyeVee" is just what is sounds like. The drink is poured into } a IV bottle and stuck into your arm. Vodka, Everclear and O+ and } plasma go into this one. Best taken while lying down. } } You owe the Oracle a dry martini, stirred not shaken. Hic! --- 267-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > We hear a lot about the Baathist Party in Iraq -- the socialist party > headed by Saddam Hussein. What about the rival Shoowerist Party? Are > these parties being hurt by shortages of fresh water in Iraq thanks to > the heavy Coalition bombing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } An insightful question, ye who thirsts for knowledge! } } There is little known among the populace regarding Saddam's baathing } habits. The Oracle, however, is personally privy to the fact that Mr. } Hussein is indeed the forefather of a particular Vogon Leader of the } future with a particular affinity for baaths. The Shoowerist Party is, } as you have aptly pointed out, knee-deep in the Baathist Hoopla insofar } as local civil warfare goes; however, not being perfect (as is the } Oracle), you incorrectly assumed something as obvious as a shortage of } fresh water would influence these conflagrations. In reality, the odds } favoring the Baathist Party are being slowly but most assuredly tipped } not by Coalition Bombing resulting in water shortage, but rather another } shortage altogether. The war effort in this region has resulted in vast } amounts of hemp being confiscated for naval supplies, and, thus, the } supply of soap-on-a-rope has dwindled to nearly nothing for the } Shoowerist Party, crippling their morale and causing much dissention } among their usually tight-knit ranks. } } So speaketh the Oracle! } } You owe the Oracle one BeeGee's Soap-on-a-Rope Gift Set. --- 267-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Greetings,Oracle. > I am a multi-millionair philanthropist. I have started a secret > campaign to fight crime and injustice. This all started when my parents > were killed one night in a dark Gotham Alley. From that day forth I > pledged to fight crime. I said,"What would strike fear and terror in > the minds of the criminal element?" Naturally,i realized, an aardvark > would! So I started my career as Aardvark-Man, Riding out from the > Aardvark Burrow in my Aardvark-Mobile to battle injustice. > However,instead of quivering with fear when they see my "Human-Aarvark" > costume, criminals burst out LAUGHING!!!! Where did I go wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Clearly you aren't insane enough. Try going batty. --- 267-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And how about this guy Oplaz Fongoldnu? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, HOW about him!?? } } Oplaz Fongoldnu was a poor pheasant framer in Cuba just before the } revolution. NO, he wasn't a poor PEASANT FARMER, nor a poor PHEASANT } FARMER, he was a poor PHEASANT FRAMER! He framed poor pheasants! } Actually, he was quite rich, since we all know how much the Cuban people } love their Poor Framed Pheasants! When the revolution came about, he } joined Che and Fidel, and overthrew the Poor-Framed-Pheasant haters, } and joined the Glorious Revolution of the Poor-Pheasant Framers } (GROTPPF). Fidel soon became weary of Oplaz and his framing ways, and } had poor Oplaz shot, and fed to the peasants (to the PEASANTS, not the } PHEASANTS). Fidel then converted over to Communism, and requested aid } from the Soviet Union. The rest is history! So, when you see a Poor } Framed Pheasant in your local Cuban-American store, please bow your head } in remembrance of Oplaz Fongoldnu, and the wonderful } Poor-Pheasant-Framing work he did, and the loss that we all now suffer. --- 267-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I wake up tomorrow and my cat tells me that the world is coming to an > end and that he hasn't finished cooking my breakfast yet, should I, > > 1. Believe him and hastiliy sell everything I own > (except for my Elvis paintings of course) > > 2. Beat him harshly for not having my breakfast ready, or > > 3. Eat the cat and hop the first ship to Orgasmatron > (planet of everwilling and well-oiled temtresses)? > > Alfonzo Cliehopper > -Bellevue And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is always ready to help those who seek professional help in } any manner. Cats, are at best a strange bunch of creatures. It's } impossible to tell what they'll do next. The best thing to do in any } situation with a cat is:BE ON YOUR GUARD. In your situation, there are } several things I might try: } } #1 You cat is talking to you. This is a good sign in the } larger picture of things, as communication has not been } achived yet. You should carefully ask your cat why they } haven't finished breakfast (i.e, was the stove broken, } did they pee on the bread, etc.) and try to keep the } the conversation light. If the Cat continues to talk, } Take it to the nearest research lab and six months later } collect your Nobel Prize for Efforts in Communication. } If the would ends after that, so what? You got your Prize. } } #2 Wake up. You having a bad dream from all that Jello you } inhaled last night. } } #3 Smile. Inform your cat you don't want to eat breakfast } today, as you have to head toward the nearest Enquirer } office and have your name sensationalized all over the world } for having a talking cat. Ask the cat if it would mind } posing for a few publicity photos. } } #4. Assume the cat is from Outer Space and has come to eat } you brain for breakfast, and the only reason he hasn't finished } cooking yet is beacuse you're the main dish. Scream and beat } the cat into pulp with the baseball bat you keep by you bed } for such occasions. If you don't have a bat, Bon appetit. } } #5 Assume that the cat is a Propet or a Prohet or even a Prophet, } and the world is about to } end, perhaps even in seconds. Say a prayer in every religon or } religin or even religion that } you can think of and you should be alright. Say hello to Jimmy } Hoffa for the Oracle. } } You owe the Oracle a plate of Eggs, Toast, Juice, and a Furball.