From kinzler Wed Feb 13 12:03:48 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 13 Feb 91 12:03:48 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #265 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 265 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #265 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 13 Feb 91 12:03:48 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 260 12 votes 43221 16122 11352 12423 03603 27300 11370 21234 23511 51411 260 2.9 mean 2.4 2.8 3.5 3.3 3.3 2.1 3.3 3.5 2.7 2.3 --- 265-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why won't my EM or LDU talk to me on the RS-232 line? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah. Hmm. the oracle sees that you are in need of great help, and so } gladly answers you question. First of all for all, we must clairify the } term you have used in your question. You EM, or Electronic Mother, and } LDU Latent Daughter Ursula will not talk to you over the RS-232 line. A } terrible occurance and the Oracle is glad it's not you. There are } several things you can do to remedy the situation: } } EM (Electronic Mother): Have you sent your Mother any Flowers } lately? Or Candy? Or a EMD Card? (Electronic Mother's Day Card) } Perhaps if you would write her mor often, things would be better } you you. The Oracle writes it's Mother twice a week, and sends } EF's (Electronic Flowers) every now and then. If this fixes the } problem, fine. However, the Oracle knows how touch these kind of } situations can be and sometime take forever to work out. But just } you think how life would be without your E-Ma around. Snif. } } LDU (Latent Daughter Ursula): Tsk Tsk Tsk. This is simply a case } of misguided parenthood. The Oracle knows LDU, or "Leedew" as a } nickname, rather well, and has seen what you have done to this } person. LDU eloped with PHB, (Punk Head Biff) and they have gone } to live in New Jersey, a place where RS-232 lines are looked upon } with disgust. If it you haddn't treated her with such callous non } understanding Things might be different. I ofter heard her say } that you treated her like a computer part. The Oracle is disgusted } by your treatment of Lewdee, and suggest you seek professional } help. --- 265-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are the New Kids on the block? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is very difficult to answer this question as I'm not sure what } 'block' they are refering to. Thus, I polled the public at large for } what they thought and here are the results: } } A city block: 2% } Alphabet block: 7% } Disk Block: 15% } "Brick" block: 5% } Writer's Block: 9% } Chopping Block: 62% } } Obviously, the answer is "Chopping Block". Now back to your question. } } It would seem that the New Kids are so despised by the general public, } that they are on the Chopping Block to be removed from society, but they } requested that they be allowed to do a song-and-dance number before they } die, and someone in the audience thought that they had potential. Thus, } they were saved, and are now constantly doing Pepsi commercials in the } hope that the same thing that happened to Micheal Jackson will happen to } them. } } Officials are concerned that this isn't happening because they don't } have enough soul. Their promoter has scheduled them all for a soul } transplant with the doner being Mr. Rogers. --- 265-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is not dead which can eternal lie, > While with strange aeons, even death may die? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Were I corporeal your audacity would compel me to flatulate. } } A riddle, then: } >What is not dead which can eternal lie, } >While with strange aeons, even death may die? } } Why of course you refer to the two species of the immortalae } indestructis family, the cockroach (cucaracha immortalae indestructis) } and the twinkie (fluffae immortalae indestructis). Both have } demonstrated the ability to survive bombardment of microwaves, digestion } and nuclear explosion. It is strongly suspected that the indestructis } family will provide the genetic basis for post-nuclear lineage, the } cocatwinkies (similar in appearance to Willard Scott) and the } twinkroaches (resembling Zsa Zsa Gabor). Speculation as to the } offspring of cocatwinkies and twinkroaches has significantly contributed } to further debate of euthanasia and several bomb threats at the Today } Show Studio. Bryant Gumbel was questioned and released. } } You owe the oracle one roach motel and a box of twinkies, frozen please. --- 265-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey! I just found out this Oracle thing is a fake! The way I > found out is, I sent "him" a question, but instead of a response > I got a question to answer. I innocently answered it, and Lo! > and Behold! my answer showed up a couple of days later in > the Oracularities. It's all a fake, people! Wise up! Why has > no one noticed this sham before I did? (P.S., my pretend > answer got the highest rating seen in the last 6 weeks. > Shows how creative the fake Oracle usually is, eh?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's not a fake. When you answered the question, your mind, body, and } very soul were possessed and controlled by the Oracle. You _thought_ } that you came up with the answer yourself, but actually you were only } the medium by which the Oracle communicated your answer to the rest of } the world. } } You see, the Oracle doesn't really have an Oracular Temple or anything } like that, or a private residence with a nubile Lisa in it. It follows } messages along the Net, and takes control of anybody answering a } question. It shows admirable restraint in what It does when it } possesses a mortal -- though occassionally when It is in control of an } unusually attractive person of either sex it will take over and take Its } borrowed body and mind on a wild sex spree or the like. } } You owe the Oracle...well, just get that cute redhead over there to } answer a question, the Oracle will take control, and for a while } afterwards the Oracle will return the favor by making her act } somewhat...well, more amorous towards you. --- 265-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: "Michelangelo H. Jones" The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Great One, > I beg of thee, sitting here on my knees as I am, that thee > answer for me a question, a question that has plagued my > poor, imprisoned mind for eons: > > Why is it that, while playing with mud, children of effeminate > men named Zebra or Slash tend to find that the tingling feeling > they experience in their shoe-laces is little more than the > escaping of tiny artichoke hearts, born there for the sole purpose > of wiping from the face of the planet all those pink-spotted > bibles, particularly the ones with the great, goloptuous, > frog-testicle-scented art students spewing forth from them? > > Follow-up question: > > Is it possible for said children, while smearing the pebbly, > puce mud on their heaving faces, to project onto their > now-empty, grey, squishy eggshells, the image of a fat, > voluptuous, CIFer sitting at a terminal, shaking the Russian > dressing from her thigh, and trying to scrape from between her > toes the crusted, putrid remains of the small purple kitten's left > nostril that was to be left there three weeks later? > > With my head bowed and my knees > scabby from dragging them on the > cold ground beneath me while > praying to Your Holiness, and a > slightly eerie feeling, the likes > of which often accompanies a > slightly rotten egg-salad > sandwich, > > bagWan And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } These children have second sight, my friend, and they can readily } percieve that the artichoke hearts must exist to control the population } of the spotted bibles with spew forth the art students. If there were } no artichoke hearts to carry forth this mission, the entire world would } pay homage to Jim and Tammy, and send forth their children's college } funds, and the world would sink into mindless oblivion. Woe to he who } would eat an artichoke heart! These children are special, and will use } their mud to fill the swimming pools of the unrighteous. } } To your second question, the answer is: No. Why the fuck would they do } that? } Maybe playmate of the month, but not the fat chick! } } You owe the Oracle the name of your supplier, that must be some GOOD } shit! --- 265-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Jenny, you're so pretty! How did you get that way? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has had herself Jennified by the Indiana Jennification } Service! For a reasonable fee, you too can be a Jennifer, complete } with Jenneric wardrobe and a great set of Jennitalia! } } So why not be inJennuous? } } Jennifer the Oracle --- 265-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, impressive Oracle, > may I use you as a job reference? Furthermore, can > you give me a letter of recommendation? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No problemo. } } ------------------------CUT-HERE---------------------------- } } O. R. Acle } 38th of Cunegonde } 10 Hauser Gates } Vax, Indiana } } Dear Prospective Employer, } } My good friend has asked me to write a reference. } Allow me to catalog some of his traits. } } Accomplishments: } He almost wrote some audit code } and likely finished link and load; } he vectorized a vacant node } and added awk to emacs mode. } } Work Habits: } He staggers in when steers come home; } across the net his curses roam; } he calls his games his kiln and loam; } he whiles work with wine and poem. } } Interpersonal Skills: } Competitive, with playful jests, } like purging root in partners' nests; } he treats his team like trampled pests } and often ogles ample breasts. } } Grooming: } He grooms with grace like grunting pig; } the lice are dead below his wig, } the fungus trimmed where fingers dig; } his sores are few and seldom big. } } Humor: } What wonderous wit this wimp might show } akin to Larry, Curly, Moe, } if ere he enters early flow } with shirt aligned and shoes aglow. } } Sincerely, } (signed) Oscar Romeo Acle } } } P.S. You owe your good pal Oscar a second rhyming dictionary for the } office. --- 265-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > [Jan 15, 1991] > Any second now the world as we know it is going to end. How may I wisely > employ these my last hours on this earth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I see, oh puny one, that you have taken the first step correctly merely } by chance, that of approaching my magnificence. You see, I know the } ultimate method of salvation--of all the worms on earth, I foresee that } only you will receive your just reward. } First, listen to Ravel's _Bolero_ 100 times. No more, no less (I } recommend a Deustsche Grammophon recording). Then write an essay } comparing and contrasting Metallica's _Jump in the Fire_ and _Bolero_ } and staple it to a cat. Take the cat and feed it Kitty Friskies until } it explodes. Take the bloodstained essay and burn it, inhaling the } odiferous fumes. By now the end of the world is approaching, and you'll } be tripping so radically that you won't even notice. When the little } purple things stop crawling over your stereo, it is time to jump in the } fire I have assumed you have set, humming Bolero all the while. } Naturally you will erupt in a pillar of flame and emerge into my } presence, where you shall become my high priest...hello? hello? Damn, } happens every time. --- 265-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the richest person who posts to Usenet newsgroups? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Donald, Donald, Donald. Shame on you. } } Surely, you realize that you already know the answer to your question. } If you merely click your mouse button three times upon the "From:" line } of this mailing, while repeating "There's no place like home," you will } realize that of course it is me, the great Oracle who is the richest } person who posts to Usenet newsgroups. Please read alt.humor.oracle } for a demonstration of my rich wit, charm and wisdom. Next time Mr. } Trump, please try to avoid using me as your own magic mirror or you } might just get some really disappointing news regarding Merv and } Ivanna. Have a nice day, you egotistical cretin. } } You owe the oracle a comp at the Taj. --- 265-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As you so rightfully predicted, here's the haiku: > > Mighty Oracle, > tell me how to defrost my > refrigerator. > > We aim to please... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is omniscient. That doesn't mean, unfortunately, that it is } infallible. Sometimes, the Oracle is just STUUUUUPID. This makes 5,643 } **DIFFERENT** haiku asking how to defrost a refrigerator. The Oracle } has to supply a different, creative answer to each one. And this one is } the least inspired of them all. Haiku are supposed to have layers of } meaning and deep, natural symbolism. Feh. Having answered the first } 5,642 with haiku about how to defrost the refrigerator, the Oracle has } decided to branch off to something different. } } A graduate student of Science } With a malfunctioning major appliance } Could not read instructions } Or make simple deductions } And had lost all of his self-reliance. } } His freezer was not self-defrosting } And the gathering icepack was costing } Him the work of three years: } Frozen pizzas and beers. } To go shopping was MUCH too exhausting. } } He foresaw his demise from starvation, } Then he suddenly found inspiration: } "The Oracle knows } How to banish ice floes! } I shall tell it the whole situation!" } } "O Oracle!" the grad student said } "Can you save me from what I most dread?" } Help me conquer the frost! } I care naught for the cost!!" } The answer came back, and it read: } } "There's an answer; the Oracle knows it: } Crawl into your icebox and close it. } The heat your producin' } Will make the ice loosen. } If your genitals freeze - well, so goes it!" } } The Oracle always replies } To the questions that come to Its eyes } But there's always a price } For Its Holy advice: } You owe It two large pizza pies. } } With mushrooms and extra cheese.