From kinzler  Mon Feb 11 11:28:06 1991
Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Date: Mon, 11 Feb 91 11:28:06 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
To: oracle-list
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #264
Reply-To: oracle-vote

=== 264 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #264
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 11 Feb 91 11:28:06 -0500

***            THE USENET ORACLE IS ASKED ITS 25,000TH QUESTION!
***
*** Since it hit the net in October 1989, the Usenet Oracle has been
*** asked over 25,000 questions by well over 3000 different people.  The
*** 25,000th question was asked by an Oracle old-timer who has frequently
*** graced the Oracularities with its wit -- The Great Squid.  It had
*** this to say to us today:
***
***     When I was a young small slimy aquatic creature, I heard stories
***     about the Usenet Oracle from an old pirate who plundered ethernet
***     packets on the seven seas.  Serving the Oracle became my life's
***     work.  I struggled long and hard to get a terminal, and longer
***     and harder to waterproof it.  Finally, finally, I was able to ask
***     my first question.  I remember it now.  It was, "wher did
***     blelbneff?" I wasn't such a good typist as a squidling, and my
***     English was pretty bad too.  But the Oracle took pity on me, and
***     its flames just warmed the waters around my undersea home.  But I
***     continued learning and writing, and finally I was able to ask my
***     first coherent question.  I remember it now.  It was "how much
***     squid could a squidchuck chuck if a squidchuck could chuck
***     squid?" And the Oracle took pity on me, and blasted me with
***     subnuclear radiation which mutated me into my current form.  And
***     I continued learning and writing, and finally I asked my first
***     intelligent question.  I remember it now.  It was "How are the
***     Oracularities in the Listings selected?" And the Oracle took pity
***     on me, and inducted me into the Oracle Priesthood.  And now I
***     have achieved my life's greatest goal, asking the 25,000th
***     question to the Oracle.  I remember it now.  It was, "Where can I
***     get a new slfig amaqliddy?" I just wonder how the Oracle is going
***     to take pity on me now.

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with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
    200
    2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

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259  2.9 mean   2.5   2.6   2.9   3.7   2.8   3.2   3.0   2.7   2.7   2.8

--- 264-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh way cool and totally tubular oracle,
> Please answer my most humble inquiry:
>
> Why do snack food machines always have the breakable things (like
> nacho chips) on the top, where they will be crunched by their fall to
> the snack product retrieval area, and the solid things, (like Snickers
> bars) on the bottom ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Always?  Yeah, often, but not always.  A frequent arrangement has solid
} things in the middle, and lighter things above and below.  In fact, in
} the basement here at the *********** ******* Laboratory at the
} University of ********, the very top is chips and curls, below that the
} expensive "snack cakes" and the like, below that candy bars and packaged
} candies like M&Ms and Milk Duds, and finally another row of chips at the
} bottom (as you suggest would be best).
}
} The problem is that having anything fall much of a height is risky.
} Recall that kinetic energy is 1/2 m v^2 -- hence the amount of energy
} that an object has to get rid of when it makes a pretty-much inelastic
} collision with the bottom of the vending machine's delivery area is
} going to be proportional to its mass (also force = ma).  Now, the chips
} are lighter than the bars and such, and they are in packages with a lot
} of surface area and a lot of air inside.  The surface area should
} counter the acceleration & limit the velocity, and the low mass ensure
} that not much force acts on them when they hit.  Imagine that you have a
} Hershey bar with Almonds dropping from the top part of the machine:
} relatively little surface area, relatively high mass.  Wouldn't it be
} likely to break?  The Oracle has gotten candy bars from such machines
} (ones with high drops for candy) that were broken into several pieces,
} also packets of M&Ms with chipped candies inside.
}
} Note that snack cakes are like heavy foam rubber and even a fairly big
} drop should not hurt them much.
}
} Have you considered that chips are damaged not in the machine but in
} transit to it?  They don't magically appear there, you know:  some
} drudge has to bring them in and load the machine with them.  Might not a
} lot of chips get chipped or worse in transit?  Try opening a packet of
} nearly-intact chips, one of vending-machine size, and counting the
} number of pieces.  Now re-seal it with tape or whatever, and drop it
} once from a height.  Open it again and count the number of pieces again,
} to see how much breakage there's been, even from a drop of 10 feet or
} more.  Very little, you'll find.
}
} You owe the Oracle enough guts to give up vending-machine junk food for
} Lent.

--- 264-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O mighty and most Truly Interesting Oracle, whose boots we are not
> worthy to lick, and whose peacocks keep us up all night with their noisy
> lovemaking,
>
> Why is it that a new Oracularities Digest comes out every two days --
> and yet whenever I send a "Ask me" I am informed that there are no
> questions to answer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FROM THE FILES OF INTERNET IGGY, MASTER DETECTIVE
} ---- --- ----- -- -------- ----  ------ ---------
}
} The sun was beating down on the back of my neck like a blackjack as I
} opened my office door. It was only then that I realized that some
} cheap hood had made off with my ceiling. I made a mental note to track
} him down, then realized I was out of mental notepaper. It was not
} going to be a good day.
}
} The figure I saw lurking behind the diffenbachia added more evidence
} to support that conclusion. He was about five-four with a pasty-white,
} pimply complexion. A piece of gold wire supported a pair of glass
} billiard balls in front of his eyes. A white plastic flap with the
} letters "IEEE" hung from his shirt pocket. Behind it rode an amazing
} collection of pens, pencils, screwdrivers, and a Radio Shack logic
} probe. His clip-on tie languished at the bottom of his open collar.
} His lips were moving.
}
} "Mr. Iggy, I may have a case for you."
}
} "Teriffic, as long as it's Jack Daniels. In quart bottles."
}
} "I work with computers for a living..."
}
} "How did I ever guess?"
}
} "...and I'm missing something very important."
}
} "I'm not the guy you should talk to then. Look in the yellow pages,
} under 'Urologists'. Or is that 'Penologists'?"
}
} "You don't seem to understand, Mr. Iggy. I am in contact with a
} certain, er, Oracle. Or should I say, I used to be in contact with
} him. I would ask him to ask me questions. Then after I asked him to
} ask me the question, he would answer with a question in answer to the
} question I had asked asking for the question. This question in the
} answer I would then have to answer, and then answer the Oracle with
} the answer to the question he had asked me in answer to the question I
} had asked him asking for the question..."
}
} "Wait a minute, I'm asking the questions here."
}
} "No, it's the Oracle. Or at least it should be, but it isn't. You see,
} the question I have is that when I ask for a question whose answer is
} a question I answer..."
}
} "Try that again, geek, and you'll have a gum-wad's-eye view of the
} linoleum."
}
} "In any case, the Oracle does not reply. Mr. Iggy, I need you to find
} out why. I need the answer to the question of the missing question...
} *O*O*F*!"
}
} I'll give the little guy one thing. He knew the one way to take a
} Florsheim to the solar plexus. With great pain.
}
} "OK, Brainiac", I said, "let's get something straight. I'm not going
} to repeat myself, and I'm not going to say it again. _I'M_ asking the
} questions around here! And if you don't like it, go see Dashiell
} Hammett!!!"
}
} "Urgh... you're... (gasp) ...brilliant!"
}
} I drew my '38 and swivelled around to see who had walked in. Then I
} realized that he was still talking to me.
}
} "Me? -er- so you figured it out, finally?"
}
} "Yes, Mr. Iggy! (*cough*) You're asking the... questions around here!
} So _you_ are in p-p-posession of the missing questions!"
}
} I went to my filing cabinet, carefully stepping on the geek's hand on
} the way. From the center drawer I removed the file every detective
} worth his flat feet should have. It was labelled
}
}                                #####
}                               #     #
}                                     #
}                                  ###
}                                  #
}
}                                  #
}
} "You got that from the Oracle!" the geek pronounced. "You stole it!"
}
} "Yeah, I pinched the questions file. So what? You know how boring it
} is around here? Nothing to keep me occupied but slinky dames, booze,
} fabulous wealth, and mystery. I've gotta have a little fun you know.
} Here, take it. But be damn sure to leave it up for anonymous FTP."
}
} "But how can I ever repay you?"
}
} "Just keep out of my site. But there is one thing."
}
} "Anything! Name it!"
}
} "You owe the Oracle a brown fedora and a pack of unfiltered Luckies."

--- 264-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>      Tell me where my socks are.
> ------------------------------------------------------Clueless

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most of your socks are safe and sound in the top draw on the left-hand
} side of your bedroom dresser.  But I know that you already knew that.
} The socks that you are talking about are those that disappear every now
} and again whenever you wash your clothes.
}
} When you wash your clothes, whether it be at home in your brand new
} microchip-controlled automatic washing machine, or in those ageing
} Maytag machines at your local laundromat, one or two socks may disappear
} from the load.  This is not an accident.
}
} You see, socks are intelligent lifeforms.  They are aliens from the
} planet Sockpong.  Every now and again, one or two of them get homesick.
} They find their way to the hamper where you keep your dirty clothes.
} Have you ever checked to see whether all of your socks are dirty before
} washing?  Of course not:  this shows the mental control that the socks
} have placed you under.
}
} Once in the hamper, they lie low, and wait for wash day.  Once inside
} the washing machine, they wriggle their way to the pump, which is really
} an interdimensional gateway direct to their world.  Once home, they can
} once again lead a more sockoid lifestyle:  fast Reeboks, hard drugs
} (foot powder is particularly popular), fine music, fine wine, and
} generally living it up in the sockoid equivalent of the good life.
}
} Why do they do this?  Take this simple quiz:
}
} 1.  Do you only change your socks when you can make the previous pair
}     stick to the bathroom wall?
}
} 2.  Can you make your socks stand up by themselves?
}
} 3.  Do any of your socks have holes so big, they can be used as
}     legwarmers?
}
} 4.  Do your feet stink?
}
} If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then no wonder your
} socks are leaving while the going's good!  Socks, unfortunately, do not
} believe in "treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen."
}
} How to fix this?  It's easy, once you know what to do:
}
} 1.  Change your socks at least twice a week.
}
} 2.  Treat them with reverence when you put them on, take them off, and
}     when you wash them.
}
} 3.  Do something about the smell of your feet.  Especially important if
}     you can clear a crowded room just by taking off your shoes.
}
} 4.  Subscribe to "Sock Life."
}
} 5.  Only use gentle washing powders when you wash.
}
} If you follow these steps, you will reduce or eliminate your socks'
} Mexican tendencies - you might even acquire a few new pairs from less
} considerate neighbours and friends!
}
} You owe the Oracle a container of foot powder.

--- 264-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: alan@bacchus.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Please Oracle, Oh please Oh please Oh please.
> Have you any suggestions for a nice romantic evening
> for St-Valentine's Day ? If i do not do anything special
> this year, my wife will really get mad this time...
>
> Maybe we could tag along with You and Lisa ???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, tagging along with Lisa and me is out of the question.  If you
} haven't been doing anything special for your wife on Valentine's Day
} lately, you just wouldn't measure up to our high standards.  But here,
} straight from the Oracle are things guaranteed to make you a hit on
} Valentine's Day:
}
} Take off all of your clothes, strap on a pair of wings, get out the old
} bow and arrow, and pretend to be Cupid.  Just make sure you shoot her
} with YOUR arrow and not the one from the bow, or she really WILL be mad
} this time.
}
} Buy seventy-three pounds of chocolates and twelve pounds of cherry
} sauce.  Cover yourself with the cherry sauce, melt the chocolate and
} pour it over yourself, turning you into an extra large, extra-special
} bon bon.  Only try this if your wife likes chocolates, because if she
} doesn't, you will have to eat you own way out.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle some industrial strength Clearasil and a six month
} supply of Ultra Slim Fast to recover from St. Valentine's Day.

--- 264-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hlp! Smthngs trrbly wrng wth my kybrd! Wht's gng n? Hlp! Hlp!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The lack of vowels indicates that your keyboard is translating your text
} into Arabic -- which uses accents for vowels -- and back before it gets
} to your screen.  It is clear to the Oracle that your keyboard has been
} taken over by a hostile neighbour over the disputed oily potato chips
} you wouldn't share with him, and the fact that you restricted his access
} to the international water closet.  But never fear -- for the miniscule
} sum of $10 billion and a promise of eternal gratitude, subservience and
} cheap potato chips, the Oracle would be happy to bomb the hell out of
} your keyboard to drive your nasty neighbour out, and turn over the
} melted remains back to you.
}
} Please answer within 30 seconds, as I have an itchy trigger finger.

--- 264-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>       I don't feel sad about letting you go,
>       I just feel sad about letting you know,
>
>               What song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Although you may not know this, those lyrics were originally written by
} Thak "They're my lyrics, dammit" Jugensen way back in 1501.  Since then
} they have repeatedly incorporated into many songs throughout the world,
} including my personal favorite, "It's my CRT, and I'll fry it if I want
} too" by the late Emma J.  Hildebug from North Canton, Ohio...  (Sorry
} about that stray fork, Emma but what do you expect when I get into my
} dishwashing frenzy???)
}
}    Thak has always had a problem as far as his lyrics being stolen, and
} supposedly died trying to prevent someone from stealing his latest work
} entitled "Too bad sucker, you're another year older!" which we all know
} today as "Happy Birthday!"
}
}    So in answer to your question about those lyrics, I cannot tell you
} which song, because you have not told me by whom.  Although I know
} everyone who sang those lines, the list is much too long to give here...
}
}      You owe me a copy of the move "Better Off Dead" and $2.00 so I can
} get this dang paperboy off my case...

--- 264-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>    Oh Great and Wonderful Oracle, please tell me this:
>
>    In this day and age of meanining-softening doublespeak, "body bag"
> has become "human remains pouch," and "bomb" has become "vertically
> deployed antipersonnel device."
>
>    Please tell me what will happen to common everyday words like "toilet
> paper," or "suppository?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AH, euphemisms!  But "toilet paper" is already a euphemism, no?  Still,
} it may well be that "fecal removal sheeting" or "anal-matter cleansing
} wipes" may arise as pretentious substitutes.  "Suppository" might
} similarly give way to "anally-inserted medication delivery system."
}
} You owe the Usenet-accessed Oracular Replies Service Agent a romantic
} walk together in a rain event under a liquid-precipitation-repelling
} metal-rib-reinforced fabric shield.

--- 264-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What ever are yer talkin' about?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, I was just answering a question about PEZ, if you must know.
} Next I have to answer a question about Nikki. So that, in short, is the
} past, future, and this is the present. Fifteen seconds into the future
} I'll press EOF and this letter, the present, will become the past and
} that will be that.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stopwatch, since he's six seconds over.

--- 264-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Are there any women in the world?  I've never seen one in the flesh --
> just pictures.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Depends on which world you refer to, oh Mighty Questioner.  If you
} refer to The Highly Enigmatic World of Disco Slaves (A MERE TWO BLOCKS
} FROM THIS TERMINAL!!!), there are indeed women.  However, you'd probably
} want to stay away from the women there; they have this annoying habit of
} literally exploding when sexually aroused.  Not a good way to start a
} relationship, eh wot?
}       However, if you refer to The Real World[tm, Reg.  U.S.  Pat.
} Off.], then yes, there are indeed women in the world.  They're just
} hiding from you.  Don't worry about it, though; eventually they will
} tire of their charade, and resume their normal existence.  In the
} meanwhile, I suggest you pour large quantities of alcohol down your
} esophagus, and sing songs you hardly know the words to at the top of
} your lungs, a surefire way to pass the time, as evidenced by millions of
} college students.  At your service, as always...

--- 264-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, where can I get a decent second-hand life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh, dat's so simple!  Trod down to your local dirty bookstore, and
} ask the guy behind da counter for one!  He may act like he doesn't know
} what you're talking about.  That's okay; they're SUPPOSED to do that.
} Just keep pressing him.  IF he pulls out a gun, tell him you were only
} kidding, and buy a copy of "Debbie Does Dishes".
}
}       ADDITIONAL FUNDING FOR THIS ANSWER WAS PROVIDED BY:  Pete & Amy