From kinzler Sun Jan 27 18:28:32 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 27 Jan 91 18:28:32 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #257 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 257 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #257 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 27 Jan 91 18:28:32 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 252 12 votes 12252 03720 12612 36210 53301 13620 25230 23421 44301 51321 252 2.6 mean 3.4 2.9 3.1 2.1 2.1 2.8 2.5 2.8 2.2 2.4 --- 257-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderful Oracle, please answer this question: > > Why the hell is Peter Arnett of CNN staying in Baghdad?? Is he stupid, > or is Ted Turner paying him megabucks to risk his life and freedom? Or > does Ted Turner have something on this guy thatt he's using to blackmail > him wwith? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Peter Arnett remains in Baghdad because he was looking for a party one } day. His boss said, Go to Baghdad, it'll be a blast. --- 257-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does she get hot at the wrong times? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's the thermostat. The Oracle strongly suggests that you invest } in one of those new, sophisticated, time-based thermostats so you } can have much closer control over temperature regulation. You } know, warmer in winter, cooler in summer, you can time it for } when she gets home, things like that. } } Oh, that's not the kind of hot you meant? Sorry, women's sexual } response is one of the Inner Mysteries, and is not to be revealed } to the unenlighted without a substantial cash payment. However, } for free, the Oracle will make a suggestion: correlate her level } of desire with her monthly period. The results may surprise } you. } } The Oracle, of course, doesn't have this problem. Lisa's always } hot. } } You owe the Oracle a lifetime supply of a reliable contraceptive. --- 257-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: eire@bogart.stanford.edu (L Cranor) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As you most undoubtedly have already divined, I run a small local > BBS. But I have a problem. I have at least one, but probably many > callers who think it hilarious to sign on with various usernames like > "Who Me?," "A User," and various vulgarities such as "Fuck You." What > can I say to these people in order to dissuade them from continuing this > barabric practice? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that's a real tuffy. I think that saying something like "Please } choose a name that you will remember, to prevent loss of data." is a lot } better than some ill thought out revenge-type plan. I mean, it would be } tragic to build a list of forbidden strings, and if the user used one of } them the bbs were to say "Thinking" and disconnect them. That's no good } at all! Also terrible would be if you were to (instead of immediate } disconnection) wait till mid-way thru a down/upload, posting a message } or something, then say "bad username error, data lost" and then drop the } connection. Shameful! } } No, something like: } } +-------------------------------------------------------+ } | *** The great fuckhead username competition! *** | } |Yes, it's true, the great fuckhead username competition| } |is here for you to try. When signing on, try to use an| } |original and inventive username like "Fuck You" or "A-| } |User" because we find them really funny. I tell you,| } |the time my Aunty June got her hand caught in the spin-| } |dryer and got torn to bits is nothing as funny as see-| } |ing a "funny" username for the billionth time. | } |**Prizes** | } |Should you win, you'll be given as a prize, a maximum| } |message download/upload size of 50 bytes, a accountlife| } |of up to 2 days, and no mail privileges. Be in to win!| } +-------------------------------------------------------+ } | However, should you choose a username that is also| } |useful, but also sounds human in nature, we're afraid| } |the best we can offer you is unrestricted download size| } |Uninterrupted connections, mailing privileges, almost| } |complete guarantee that your password minimum length is| } |less than 45. | } +-------------------------------------------------------+ --- 257-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OH ORACLE MOST WISE. THIS QUESTION HAS PLAQUED ME FOR YEARS. IF YOU > MAY FIND THE TIME PLEASE TELL ME THE ANSWER TO THIS IMMORTAL QUESTION. > WHY DOESN'T THE COYOTE EVER CATCH THE ROAD RUNNER? > > THANK YOU WISE ONE > ROB NIESCHWIETZ > > NIESCHWIETZ, ROBERT JAMES > Student And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. I got a question looking like yours from a guy named HEINZ, } HAROLD ERIK, Student: Are you sure you don't know him? No? Wierd, } maybe you to were seperated at birth and developed the same ALL CAPS } writing style. It's nice, though, don't change it. I like the } anti-e.e.cummings look, very chique. Now for a question to plaque you } for years is very dangerous if you don't brush regularly, but it looks } like you've dealt with it nicely. } } To answer your question, I'll have to consult the net.animation.god, } Walt. } } {/}telnet micky.disney.com } } DISNEY INDUSTRIES } } login:Oracle } Password: } } {*.*} write walt } Hi, Walt, Oracle here, I've got a question for you. } EOT } {*.*} } -- Message from walt@micky.disney.com, use talk to respond. } {*.*} talk } } Oracle, you lousy bastard, I was just using vi to create a new Roger } Rabbit short, and you messed up 6 weeks of work! Don't you ever use } mail? } } All the time Walt, sorry, but this is urgent. I've got a client who } wants to know why the Coyote never catches the Road Runner. } } Stupid client. It's obvious, if the Coyote eats the Road Runner, there } won't be any more cartoons about them, since the Coyote won't have a } foil, or a motive to pull his crazy schemes. It would also cause the } collapse of ACME, which is dependent on the Coyote for half of its } income. Now get going, before I drop a 2 ton block on that client! } } Connection dropped } {*.*} } {*.*} exit } {/:Root sweet Root}oracle -resume -answer_in_progress } } There you have it bubba, and if you find your evil twin, tell him to } stop asking me about the sexual habits of historical figures. He's } getting annoying. } } You owe the oracle the whereabouts of his evil twin Skippy. --- 257-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I need about $15,000 by Friday, or they'll kill me. Do you know > where I can find it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } $9203: Go to _L'Eleganza_ at dinnertime. Steal all the tips. } } $2218: Sell your old sweat socks to Dr. Mario Gwalshmaque, an } eccentric scientist who will use them to create a toxic slush } monster capable of destroying cities with a single snorsh. } } $1981: Bake a chocolate cake with an iron-filing frosting. Sell } it to Horace Fermash, who believes that he doesn't get enough } iron in his diet. } } $ 931: Buy half a ton on Brie cheese and a cord of mesquite wood. } Sell grilled Brie to yuppies in Harlem. } } $ 412: Snitch the eye of the Great Idol of Thula-Doom, which is } an immense cubic zirconium. } } $ 103: Grow pot. Sell pot. } } $ 102: Grow oregano. Sell as pot. } } $ 48: threaten to send photos of G. Bush and R. Nixon engaged in } sexual acts to the Boston Tribune. } } $ 2: Borrow from your kid brother. } ------ } $15,000. } } You owe the Oracle $18,000 by Friday, or I'll kill you. --- 257-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Let us now fancy, for the moment, that the ring first thrown off by the > Sun - that is to say, the ring whose breaking-up constitued Neptune - > did not, in fact, break up until the throwing-off of which Uranus > arose; that this latter ring, again, remained perfect until the > discharge of that from which originated Jupiter- and so on." > From Eureka, by Edgar Allen Poe > > Did the ring break up before Uranus rose or did it in fact remain > perfect until the discharge of that which originated Jupiter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question. Let me rummage through some old news clippings... } hmmm.... } } Aha! Here it is: } } SOLAR FLARE ALERT } February 22, -2984782 } } ATTENTION: } } A significant surge of solar activity has begun. Two very } significant and very large active regions have developed and are now } capable of spawning major energetic flare activity. In addition, } significant activity has been observed on the eastern limb. Loops and } an associated flare was observed near S14E90 today. The solar flux } has exploded to a value of 244 and is expected to rise perhaps in } excess of 260 by the time the peak is reached. The sunspot number has } likewise experienced a dramatic increase and is now reported at a } value of 216 (although it will likely climb quite higher as the } eastern limb region(s) rotate into view). } } At 03:18 UT, a long-duration class M3.2/SN flare was generated } jointly by Regions 6462 and 6466. The duration of this flare was an } enormous 173 minutes (2 hours, 53 minutes)! It was accompanied by } significant radio bursts as well as Type II and Type IV sweep } frequency events. The flare location was at S19E42 and was associated } with a strong 5,800 s.f.u. (solar flux unit) radio burst at 245 MHz. } It produced a SID/SWF between 03:18 UT and 06:11 UT, affecting } frequencies up to 13 MHz. This flare WILL produce a terrestrial } impact, and will form a ring that should remain perfect until another } ring discharge emanates, producing a large orange planet with a really } nasty thunderstorm on it that will likely last many eons. --- 257-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do some girls have bigger ideas and bigger aspirations than others? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear, another lapse in quality control! If you'll excuse me a moment } while I call up LGMCO (Little Girl Manufacturing Co.) to whom God is } currently subcontracting the human production to. } } } LGMCO: Good epoch, LGM Company... } Oracle: This is the Usenet Oracle. May I speak with Bozo Bitterbreath? } L: One moment please... } L: } O: I hate music-on-hold. } L: Mr. Bitterbreath's line, may I help you? } O: This is the Usenet Oracle. I'd like to speak to Mr. Bitterbreath } about the Heaven contract. } L: Hold on... } L: } B: Bitterbreath here. How can I help you? } O: This is the Usenet Oracle. I've been receiving complaints about the } quality of girls from your production line in recent generations. } Although your contract calls for uniformly sized ideas and aspirations } in all the girls from your factory, apparently there's been some } variations in the product. } B: We did have some assembly line problems for a while. Spice was a } little low in supply due to the Persian Gulf war, and we had to stretch } out our stocks for a while. The contract allows for a 3% variation in } aspirations and ideas, and we don't think that we exceeded that limit. } O: I'll have to check that with the account executive and the quality } control officer. We may have to exact contractual penalties if those } girls were more inconsistent than you say they were. } B: Oh, um, ah, yes, I do remember the penalty clause in the contract. } Say, Oracle, how's that leather and fur covered water bed that we sent } you last year holding up? I understand you're a heavy user of } water-filled furniture. } O: Fine, thank you, it's definitely up to the considerable strain of } being in the Oracle's service. But the leather is wearing out in places } and the fur smells a little funny. And it did spring a leak last month } when me and Lisa were trying a little threesome with an extremely horny } satyr. } B: My brother-in-law at the water-bed factory was complaining that he } needed some exceptional sexual atheletes to test his latest models. } I'll have him send over a couple of modules from his "SloshRite" line. } O: That would be wonderful. I've always wanted a "Sloshrite". } B: Good. And I'm sure you'll find no irregularites with our adherance } to the girl contract. } O: Yes indeed. Have a good diurnal. } } } You owe the Oracle the name of another Heavenly subcontracter to shake } down. And a condom that will fit over a rhinocerous horn... --- 257-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Despite the temptation to simly answer your null question with a null } answer (even the Oracle gets sarcastic sometimes. Really.), the Oracle } has divined your true question, and answers it herewith. } } You can, but only in the early morning. After about 10:30, it's really } too hot, and there are far too many people about. However, if you are } determined, the Oracle recommends that you wear appropriate protective } clothing, and that you leave the duck home. } } You owe the Oracle a videotape of it. --- 257-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Most Wise and Omnipotent One, In Whose General Direction I Would Never > Fart: > > I think imposters are answering your mail. > > The last time I wrote to you, I described a big ugly green dragon who > said that I owed him $38.27 for the water bill, or else he would turn me > into a broken overhead projector, and take my treasured autographed > Kevin Elster CD collection. When I asked for help, the reply was to put > in a CD that would make him sick to death, and then run for it. > However, I know that since you are the all-knowing Oracle, you knew that > the big green ugly dragon was standing in front of my stereo system, and > that it doesn't have a remote control. Only the real Oracle would have > known this, and therefore would not have told me to put in a CD, which > would have caused major bodily harm. > > However, being ever-faithful, I tried the best I could. I started to > hum a few bars of "Roar Lion Roar", the Columbia University fight song > (you know, the one they never get to play at any of their football > games). The big ugly green dragon metamorphosized into Arnold > Schwarzenegger's evil twin brother, Ludwig. Ludwig told me that in > addition to the water bill, I had to pay for singing lessons, or else he > would have sex with Fifi, my goldfish, drink all of my Labatt's Blue, > shoot me, and then turn me into a broken overhead projector and take my > autographed Kevin Elster CD collection, and then call the Rush Limba > program to denounce liberal pro-choice animal-rights weenies. > > I have two questions: 1) What are you going to do about those > imposters, and 2) What should I do about the water bill? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's Rush Limbaugh, ignoramus. For that, you die. Nothing you can do } can prevent your death. The imposters have done a good enough job & } they will be well rewarded. } } You'll be too dead to care about the water bill. --- 257-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Poo. Nord fweep drep gwaaaah. > > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What? Are you serious about that? Even with your mouth full of } pork rinds, I know what you're blathering out..."You. Not sweet Depp } God." } } I'll have you know that I am indeed the God that Edward } Chickenbonehands prays to every night. You'd better believe that the } star of 21 Jumpropeskiphop Street looks up to me for guidance in his } miserable life. You think it was by accident that he had the nerve to } ask Winona Rider out? Get real, I am The Sweet Depp God... } } You owe it to yourself, Mr. Burton, not to eat and talk at the } same time, and you owe the Oracle another Batman movie with hype } surpassing most organized religions...