From kinzler Sat Jan 26 11:09:44 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 26 Jan 91 11:00:30 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #256 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 256 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #256 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 26 Jan 91 11:00:30 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 251 14 votes 24710 23252 12551 42242 25430 23423 11723 13361 35312 04802 251 3.0 mean 2.5 3.1 3.2 2.9 2.6 3.1 3.4 3.2 2.6 3.0 --- 256-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Sacred Oracle of the most holy holey order, please answer me > this pressing question... > > WHY DO YOU ALLOW TWITS? ARGH! I spend a goot 10 minutes writing > and responding thought provoking, funny responses, and I get total > shit back like: > >From Jerk Off: > > I WISH I KNEW. DONT WE ALL? > > > JERK OFF > > Student > ^^^^^^^^ > > If you please, could you give me an explanation of this extended > amount of twitism we've been seeing? Is it just another case of > rectal cranial inter-polation that we simply MUST deal with? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Patience, my son. We are currently training another round of } Incarnations at the Oracle Academy. This batch isn't really working } out; I suspect that they'll all be shipped off to do some lesser kind of } prognostication (probably economic modelling) within the month. } } You owe the Oracle your continued patience until this works itself out. --- 256-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > None of my usual correspondents are answering my e-mail. Unfortunately > I am too insecure to send them messages asking "hey, didn't you get the > e-mail I sent, & if so, why didn't you reply to it?" So please, wise > Oracle, how come they don't answer my mail? Are they busy, have they > all suddenly decided that they hate me & don't want to correspond, is > some mailer-program eating the mail silently, have alien beings taken > possession of their bodies? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. The Notorious-Nexus-Cross-Infinitesmal-Product-Paradox, } discovered by Bob Dunwitless in the latter part of the 23rd Century, } which states thus... } } The amount of e-mail an individual receives is directly proportional } to the social life of the individual, times the product of } the individual attractiveness and personality constants. } } In other words, you're a nerd. } } You owe the Oracle a life and a pocket protector, plus the first-edition } AD&D game. --- 256-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, most obsequious, viscous and vituperous, wallowing in > the wisdom of the ages. Why do I get this feeling that the "Miracle > Blade" is the same thing as the "Ginsu Knife"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Probably for the same reason I have a nagging suspicion that your } opening was not particularly flattering to Me -- a ridiculous notion, of } course. If you ask any psychiatrist, they'll tell you that minor bouts } of paranoia like this are very common, and that you should shedule an } set of appointments with them right away to get yourself cured. And } bring along any friends with similar delusions. They'll say this } because they're the ones causing the paranoia, the bastards. Not many } people know it, but they regularly release Sulfur hexaparanoid trioxide } into the atmosphere; every Wednesday after golf, in fact. Can't have } people be well adjusted or they'd be out of job. Half they private } detectives in the world are hired by psychiatrists to spy on people at } random, for no other reason than to give them the willies. Why am I } telling you this? Why did you ask that question? You're trying to make } Me more paranoid aren't you? You're a psychiatrist lackey! I knew it. } No, no, he's just a questioner, calm down. If you start thinking that } way you'll go crazy. But isn't crazy just what a psychiatrist lackey } wants you to think you are?! Yeah! GANGWAY, GANGWAY, airraid alert, } psychiatrist lackeys in the building! Ethereal Beings first, women and } children second, facist spies last! Out of my way turkeys, I'm busting } through to my fallout shelter! Try and get me when I have my 12 guage, } YEAH, just try and get me! --- 256-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hadn't the guard at the gates > of the citadel been given a list of names? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To expound a bit on your question, you're obviously asking about } the citadel with two doors and two guards in logic problems, one door } leads to heaven, one to hell, one guard always tells the truth, one } always lies, and you can ask only one question. Your wondering, do you } really have a choice like that, because you thought that the guard just } had a list of who went where and that's where you went. } } It turns out that logicians are also much better theologians than } everyone thought, because recently many people who have had near-death } experiences have actually seen these two guards and the doors. Some } people claim that this is unfair because they will end up having asked } two questions when they finally go. Oh well, c'est la mort. } } You owe the oracle a flame shield against all those who are about } to complain about his incorrect French. --- 256-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > PLEASE can I have a flamethrower for Christmas? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } cc: sclaus@blitzen.north.pole.mil } } The Oracle has forwarded your request to the correct authorities. In the } future, please use the address listed above for all such requests. } } Just to warn you, before your request can be granted, you will have to } submit the following forms: } } AFR54-1 Requisition form for flamethrower requisition form } AFR26-12 Requisition for authorization to complete requisition } form for flamethrower } AFR51-50 Request for carbons to copy in triplicate the requisition } for requisition forms } AFRZ16/45 Requisition for regulation concerning requisition to } requisition a request for flamethrower } NPT - 5 Application to operate Mark 26 Anti-Infantry Thrower, } Flame (this is what Santa usually keeps in stock. If you } want a different, specific model, you'll need to make a } special order -- ask Santa about that) } VIV90.0 Identification documents cover form } } With this last document, you must include: } } Drivers License Social Security Card } MasterCard/Visa Library Card (local) } Passport East Berlin Entry Visa } Green Card Birth Certificate } Yellow Card } Red Cross Water Safety Instructor Certification Card } Red Cross Fire Safety Instructor Certification Card } Smokey the Bear Fan Club Card and (photo of) Secret Decoder Ring } } And a note from your mother. } } When Santa receives your original request, he will send you the standard } Santa Contract. You can fill that out via e-mail and send the other } documents to the fax number that he will provide. The Santa Contract } is fairly simple (just be prepared to defend yourself when you reach the } "naughty and nice" clause). Don't even think of forging the note. You } can get most of these forms at your county Civic Center; I suggest you } check at the appropriate office there or at your local sheriff's } office about local possession and handling laws. } } You owe the Oracle six hours of unedited Vietnam front-line coverage (in } Beta format) and a TYJ45/5.6-00 requisition for authorization } requisition for requisition forms RT36 and RT37.2 (request for cute } chicks). --- 256-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What do women want from men? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, that's a tricky one. For mortal men, that is, not for the Usenet } Oracle. } } However, the Oracle regrets to inform you that what you seek is } classified information -- for the minds of Women Everywhere and the } Usenet Oracle only. However, the Oracle feels within the Oracle's } rights to provide you with a few hints: } } 1) Money can't buy it. } 2) It needs no assembly. } 3) There are no legal patents or copyrights pertaining to it. } 4) It is non-perishable. } 5) UPS will not ship it red (next-day) or blue (1-2 days). } 6) It "goes better" with the more subdued fall colors (in the } Oracle's opinion). } 7) It is dishwasher-safe. } 8) It generally comes in packs of three or four, or individually } packaged in lots of 50 or 100. } 9) It's not what you think it is. } 10) You can find it between "aardvark" and "zygote" in most } dictionaries. } } If you need more hints, feel free to ask. If you catch the Oracle on a } good day, you may be rewarded with a few more. (note: Women Everywhere } is a term referencing the collective mind of women everywhere. Most } individuals have no direct access to this information. In other words, } the Oracle believes that most women, in fact, don't know what they want } from men.) } } You owe the Oracle a psychology text in which is actually printed the } phrase "having a tendency to repudiate." --- 256-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great an mysterious Oracle, whose prophesies give me guidance, > please answer this most humble question: > When I drink Jolt cola, I don't feel any more awake, but I start to > shake heavily. What can I do about this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course you don't feel any more AWAKE, my dear child. In fact, the } only way to GAIN the PURE and EVERLASTING AWAKENESS is to EMBRACE, yes, } EMBRACE the TRUE and UNDYING DIVINE GUIDANCE, yes, of the USENET ORACLE! } Hallelujah! You see, brother, to WRITE the DIVINE PROPHECIES is SURELY, } yes, the ONLY, I say ONLY REASON for your EXISTANCE on this speck of } dust of a planet! The ORACLE preaches that He who Writes the Askme's is } SURELY, child, in no need of sleep.. or his money, so send it all to } the ORACLE. Glory be! } } You owe the ORACLE six cases of Jolt. Amen. --- 256-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who punctuates me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do, of course. Well actually I do when I'm in a generous mood (not } often). But, if you remember the time last Thursday when you made } that threat, and then a huge clap of thunder sounded, that was me. By } the way, did you really rip him limb from limb? Same with the time } you stopped your conversation Tuesday a week ago for a dramatic pause, } and the wind whipped up just a bit so that it was clear that no-one in } the room was saying anything. } } You owe the Oracle 10,000 each of .'s ,'s and ''s since they're easier } to use than that subtle environmental stuff. --- 256-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, am I destined to lose my hair because of the radioactive > materials I handle each day, or will I just become infertile and lose > all of my teeth. > > Please, I must know !!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It seems important that you should know } The effects of radioactive glow } Your hair will slowly fall from your head } Gath'ring in clumps at the foot of your bed } Worse yet! Soon you will see to perish } The organ which you most deeply cherish } Infertility will be your curse } Your relationships will turn for the worse } Your teeth will rot and fall from your mouth } And bile and drips of ... er, excuse me a moment } } } } Now, where was I? Oh, never mind. You may wish to consider a less } life-threatening profession. --- 256-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the purpose of the little thing on the corner of my desk that > keeps bouncing up and down and going, ``Ping''? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If it's a little blue thing, and the sound is a rather tinny "Ping", } then it's a genetically engineered eavesdropping device placed there by } either CIA or FBI agents. They believe that a person will become } entertained by this little critter, befriend it, and then emote all } their lifes deep secrets, such as the fact that they once campaigned for } Lyndon Larouche or that they really admire Fidel Castro's beard. You'd } be best served by insulting the little thing, telling it that it's } mother was a weak strain of E-Coli or that you've known golf balls with } more personality. The little thing should leave, although it will walk } away sulking, trying to get you to feel sorry for it. } } Now, if it's a little flourescent green thing that makes more of a } gutteral "Ping", then you'd better leave your desk and immediately call } the EPA. I can't give you any more details for the sake of operational } security. Sorry. } } You owe the Oracle a case of SPAM.