From kinzler Thu Jan 24 19:29:08 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 24 Jan 91 19:00:39 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #255 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 255 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #255 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 24 Jan 91 19:00:39 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 250 19 votes 27334 06463 45442 15760 16822 17623 06760 04618 88111 64252 250 2.9 mean 3.0 3.3 2.7 2.9 2.9 2.9 3.0 3.7 1.9 2.6 --- 255-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TELL ME HOW OLD I AM And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wow was that close! You may not realize it but you very nearly uttered } the most dangerous magic spell in the history of the universe, which the } oracle cannot reprint here for obvious reasons, but which is very } similar to the incantation, "Temee Howol Diam." This is derived from the } ancient Zzyian tongue of the Alpha Centaurians, and comes from the older } incantation "Lemmee Gesshow Ol Deur" which is frequently uttered in } intergalactic bars, The most dramatic effect of which is the dampening } of the incanter's face and space-uniform with certain alcohol based } substances. Dispite this uniform negative effect, it is used with } alarming regularity, under the mistaken impression that it is the } opening salvo of a formulaic mating ritual, also known as a "Pik Uplyn" } to the sexually frustrated uniformed alpha-centaurians, who often have } to spend months at a time in extremely phallic spacecraft. } } Anyway, back to your question. The *really* dangerous spell, the one } which instantly vaporizes you, is "Temme Howol C... --- 255-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O great wise and viscous oracle of such great and shallow wisdom. Can > you give me a program listing for my favorite TV show, "Amazing > Discoveries"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, but I can give you a program listing for "The NEW Leave It To } Beaver!" } 1. 1/26/91 Beaver Gets An Impacted Wisdom Tooth Removed } 2. 2/02/91 Wally Removes the Rest of Beaver's Teeth By Hand } 3. 2/09/90 The Beaver is Mugged } 4. 2/16/91 The Last Episode - The Beaver Kills his Entire Family } While On a Sugar High --- 255-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh might Oracle, who art so wise in the ways of science, please tell me > this" > > What exactly does the US have to gain out of being over in the mideast? > I mean, we HAVE oil, even if it's hard to get to. It can't be because > Saddam got mean and invaded another country... crap like that happens > all the time and we don't send half a million people over to fight. > What is it REALLY? I have a feeling it has something to do with an > inflatible camel doll and a picture of Roseanne Barr, but I can't prove > anything. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're right. The REAL story goes like this: } } Saddam and Georgie once were on Frog Hollow Summer Camp together. } Saddam was a boyscout leader, and because of that HE got to have all the } girlscouts sleep in HIS tent. This, of course, caused anger and } frustration on Georgie's behalf, so he smeared toothpaste all over the } inside of Saddam's sleeping bag. Saddam got real pissed (not to mention } some of the girlscouts) and put a hedgehog in Georgie's underpants. } That, in turn, made Georgie call Saddam's teddy bear Al-Hazred some VERY } rude things. Saddam swore, and shouted, and jumped up and down } demanding an apology. "Apologize!" he screamed, "Apologize or I'll... } I'll... I'll invade Kuwait!" But Georgie didn't, and the next day } Saddam wrote home to tell his friends what a silly boy Georgie was, and } ask them to invade Kuwait. And so they did. A horrible thought now } struck Georgie. On his last official visit to Kuwait, the Kuwaitian } government had shown him their collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja } Turtle(tm) bubblegum cards, which was the one of the largest in the } world. It even had a DOUBLE of #374 (The one with the turtle with the } red headband disarming four horrible, sword-yieldning assassins with his } bare hands), which Georgie had been looking for for WEEKS! Georgie had } made a deal with the government to trade bubble gum cards with them the } next time they met. But now that Saddam had invaded Kuwait, what would } happen to the cards? What if Saddam STOLE them! Georgie rushed to find } Saddam. He found him sitting near the frog hollow (from which the camp } got its name), watching the frogs. } "Saddam!", he said, "Get out of Kuwait!" } "No", said Saddam. } "Oh please please PLEASE!" said Georgie. } "Well, OK", Saddam said, smiling cunnily, "If you eat that frog!" } And he pointed at a particularly large and disgusting frog, sitting } among many others on a lilypad. Georgie had no choice. He picked up } the frog, closed his eyes tightly, and ate it. } "Now get out of Kuwait!", he demanded triumphantly. } "That wasn't the frog I was pointing at", Saddam said with a smile. } "So..." } "So I won't get out of Kuwait, obviously." } At this point, Georgie got REAL mad, and the rest you have seen on CNN. --- 255-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > No, no, no, mira, mira, mira. Hay mucha diferencia. Verguenza es como > cuando hiciste algo malo. Ser sonrojadora es cuando se te ponen rojitas > las cachetitas en una manera muy feminina, como cuando un galan te dice > que eres muy bonita y te pones rojita. No es nada malo. A lo > contrario, los hombres se vuelven locos por eso! :-) :-) > He hecho un error, y pues tuve verguenza y una cara roja! Yo se que los > hombres le gusta una chica sonrojada, pero no me pongo mucha importancia > en esto. Pero, nadie ha dicho que no estoy loca...:) (como el Gato > Cheshire) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Te digo yo que en realidad si eres loca. Siempre seras loca, es tu } destino. --- 255-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Geeba geeba geeba eeba eeba eeba? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. Quayle! Will you *please* stop that? You have a press conference } in ten minuttes! And take off that silly propellor beanie and brush } your hair, will you? --- 255-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was it as good for him as it was for me? > > Will he call me again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I think it's nice that you are so concerned that your partner received } as much enjoyment as you did, even if he was only your cat. Of course } he enjoyed it... after having to use his tongue to clean himself, it } was nice to let someone else do it for a change. Unfortunately, he } won't be able to call you again, as he couldn't call you the first } time... a lack of opposible thumbs and real useful digits on any of his } paws makes using a telephone somewhat awkward. I think you better } initiate all of the phone conversations. } } You owe the Oracle a compete set of Garfield books and a good place to } take a cat nap. --- 255-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Karyanta The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the highest price you've seen gas at, and the lowest price? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The highest price was $1,203,302,322 for a tablespoon of oil. This was } a very rare type of oil, believed used in greasing the turnscrew on } Gutenberg's first printing press. It was sold by Sotheby's in London } to the Emir of Kuwait shortly before the Iraqi invasion. Unconfirmed } rumors say that this tablespoon of the finest grease in the known } universe is the sole reason of the invasion. The Emir succeded in } fleeing the country, bringing the sacred Oil with him. Only he and } Allah knows its whereabouts now, and Allah won't tell me. } } The cheapest is the form of gas occasionaly finding its way out of the } bowels of the all-eating Oracle, which Lisa says is so ... er, umm, } well we won't discuss that now, will we. Hum. Anyway, that form of gas } is free. It's as cheap as you can get. Of course, the Oracle must pay } for whatever generates the gas. } } You owe the Oracle some fruit salt. --- 255-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > great state of Texas as your address? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has gotten from you the fragmentary question: } } "great state of Texas as your address?" } } and it assumes (being too lazy to conjure it up from Its perfect } knowledge of the world) that part of your question has been eaten by a } very bad piece of mail software, and that you are asking It why it does } not live in the great state of Texas. } } Well, actually Texas is a far better sort of place than Indiana, but you } see that Mr. Kinzler rescued the Oracle from a fallen state of despair } and despondency, of angst and self-doubt, and installed It as the great } Oracle of the entire Usenet network. And Mr. Kinzler just happens to } be in Indiana (not really his fault; times are rather tough), and the } Oracle owes him a debt of gratitude, and it can't just run off and set } up shop independently in a better place than Indiana (say, Texas). It's } sure you understand. --- 255-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do they really have any chance of success? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course they do. Haven't you read Wilkins? "The likelihood of a } successful endeavor depends directly, and quite strongly, on the actual } undertaking; aside from that, only perseverance, dedication, ability, } and luck will deter- mine the course of events." Even if you are not of } the Givenian school, you can't deny what Robbins said about "tables of } fortitude" and "large beliefs," can you? And given recent developments, } the Oracle would suggest that one would be obstinate to deny the } possibility of a chance. Think about it. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the classic "Them," a single of the } Monkees' "She," and either a hardbound copy of Stephen King's "It" or a } videotape of the recent made-for-TV movie (the Oracle missed the first } half, because the Oracle was in conference with Him...) --- 255-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HOW MANY TIMES WOULD A 60 FOOT WOOFER PLACED UNDER THE EMPIRE STATE > BUILDING HAVE TO PLAY "ICE ICE BABY" BEFORE THE BUILDING COLLAPSED? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For this answer, we must turn to the only one who would know } anything about the strength of the structure of the ESB, Mr. Kong, now } retired and living quite comfortably at the Washington D.C. National } Zoo. } } > Message From kkong@washdczoo.highcrime.crookdpolitics.usanyway } > } > "Oog. Goog quegun. It woug depeng ong the suberstruger of the base, } > ag wrell ag the poggibigiby of theft in the Manhaggen area. If guyg } > named Sprago and Meago foung out about sug speagers, they would be } > stolen before the sound would have agy igpact on the bage of va } > builging. } > } > "Unger igreal siguaguns, ig would take aprogimatly 3.4 hours to turn } > the supporg girders into marshmellow fluf, as well as the guarangee } > of 300 New Kigs On the Blog from the Brongx starting to do some } > "Stop" Hammer Time moves infrong of the builging" } } You owe the Oracle v5.0 so my rat tail can hang low, and a } BIIIIG bananna for the chimp.