From kinzler Wed Jan 16 13:14:34 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 16 Jan 91 13:05:31 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #251 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 251 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #251 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 16 Jan 91 13:05:31 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 246 10 votes 15202 10423 10432 02332 44110 21331 00154 30610 33031 10342 246 3.1 mean 2.7 3.6 3.5 3.5 1.9 3.0 4.3 2.5 2.6 3.6 --- 251-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Deception and mystery are part of our creed, and what is more deceptive > than an illusion? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Automobile commercials. } } Given a sufficient amount of information, any illusion can be } recognized, comprehended, and dispelled. No degree of knowledge will } free the typcial TV viewer from the deeply-ingrained belief that there } is actually some difference between various brands of American } automobiles. } } The same logic applies to cola commercials, fast-food commercials, etc., } and can be summarized succinctly: Methinks the lady doth protest too } much. } } You owe the Oracle a great deal, but you will have to discover for } yourself just what. --- 251-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When the Oracle was incarnate as me the other day, It answered two > copies of the same question. Actually it was two copies of a list of > ten questions. One copy it answered with great care and wit; the other, > tersely and rather stupidly. Sure enough, the latter answer got > included in the Oracularities and the former did not! Is the entire > Oracular Priesthood stark raving mad? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nice try, Saddam. Your question triggered the NSA's snoopers and left a } core dump a mile wide on the Oracle's MetaCray. Let's see if I can dig } it out.. AHA. Your question was: } } > Oh Oracle most obedient, answer these questions so that I might smite } > mine infidel enemies: } > } > (1) What is the critical mass of U-235? } > (2) What is the digital code for deactivating the F-15's fire control } > system? } > (3) Give me a list of primary and secondary cruise missile targets in } > Iraq's Province 19. } > (4) What will be the flight paths of the stealth bombers on January } > 16? } > (5) Which is most toxic... organophosphate, c. botulinum or anthrax } > toxin? } %%% NSA SECURITY OVERRIDE %%% Segmentation fault (core dumped) --- 251-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > every day in every way everything changes > the world its people my friends > they all are subject to changing cdrastically every morning > around 7:23 am. why does everything (colors and emotions) > change then and why am i concerned about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } God's alarm clock goes off at 7:23. He used to get up a lot earlier, } but He's getting set in His ways, and He likes His rest, and He never } WAS a morning person, ya know? So, these days, it's 7:23, every day but } the Sabbath, when He rests. } } Now, I dunno about you, but I'm pretty damned incoherent for the first } minute or so after MY alarm goes off, and I'm not NEARLY as old as God. } And He's omnipotent. When *your* alarm goes off in the morning, the } worst thing you're likely to do is bash your wife in the face, or step } on the cat, or maybe knock over a glass of water. When God fumbles } about blindly, Things Happen. Usually, He gathers His wits within a } minute or two, and sets things straight before trotting off the to } shower (including erasing mortal memory of the havoc), but those first } moments can be PRETTY hairy, let me tell you. Well worth begin } concerned about, if you manage to remember it. } } You owe the Oracle a new alarm clock with a snooze button. --- 251-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Umm, I don't remember? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's perfectly alright, Mr Reagan. We understand and believe you } without hesitation . We've certainly had a few, umm, } problems with our recall ability the past few years but we're } sure you were far removed from any possible wrongdoings } during your term in office. } } But the fact remains that you are our *former* President now. No matter } how hard you wish, or what Nancy's astrologer may believe, we simply } can't let you go to the joint chiefs now and say "W-w-wellll... let's } nuke the bastard" this time. That's up to George now. And yes, it was } a shame that Barbara had that nasty sledding accident, but you remember } George doesn't rely on Barbara in the same way you and Nancy worked } together. But rest assured that Milly, the First Dog, is fine and will } keep George well advised. Last I heard they were going to offer Quayle } as a hostage... } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of Bonzo reruns on VHS. --- 251-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Today i'm collecting questions to you :). This question is about > the bards. The PH says that all the Bards are singers, etc, etc.. and > can play a musical instrument too. The question is: > > Do the Bards gain additional slots to thats proeficiences or > they need to spent their slots in that??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ZZZZZZZZZZ. } } {This is the Oracle's subconscious speaking. The Oracle stopped } playing D'n'D aeons ago, once it became apparent that is was going } to catch on mostly with a motley assortment of dweebs and feebs. } But he keeps being bombarded with highly inane questions about } that most pathetic game. Usually He just ignores the questions, } but in this case he failed to make his saving throw and has been } put into a comatose state of ennui for 30+d8 turns. More than likely } this will mean he will fail to respond in a timely fashion to an } urgent missive from Saddam Hussein, and will be unable to suggest } the negotiating tactic that would avert WWII-and-a-half. I hope } you are satisfied! } } You owe the Oracle a scroll of Careful Spelling And Parsable } Grammar.} } } ZZZZZZZZZZ. --- 251-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh omnipresent Oracle, of obdurate opalescence, deign to describe to > this obsequious approbate, the answer, the opiate of the intelligentsia, > to the appended efferent query > > Why am I stuck in this dead end job! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I would think being editor in chief of a major unabridged } dictionary would be its own reward. } } You owe the Oracle some more questions. You sweet talker, you. --- 251-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Ray Moody The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most Well-Polished and Shiny Oracle, in whose Gleaming Surface > one's face looks Ten Years Younger, and whose Finely-Oiled Gears > always Sing with Truth and Wisdom, please answer a small question: > > Does Dr. Pepper have a beeper? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. } } >Message from console@universe (God)... } >Come on, don't be a smart ass. } } Well, why not? It was a perfectly simple yes-or-no question, not } a poem or a riddle or a request for Lisa's turn ons or any of the } other things these mortals waste my time with. I get tired too, } you know, sitting here coming up with answers appropriate to the } All Knowing Usenet Oracle. I want to just answer this and move } on to the next question, which I predict will be a haiku in which } the querent asks how to defrost his refrigerator. Give me a break! } } >Message from console@universe (God)... } >No. } } Oh, all right. } } Doctor Elias Pepper, MD (not be confused with his brother, Sgt. Major } Fred Pepper, retd., who runs a Lonely Hearts Club in Liverpool) does } not carry a beeper. He is not a practicing doctor, instead working } for the FDA in the Department of Beverage Additive Testing. That is, } he feeds lifetime doses of various soft drinks to lab rats over a } a period of about a week and watches for side effects, like cancer, } inability to sleep, etc. One of the first beverages thus tested was } the soft drink that he developed in his third year of Med School; } the results of that study were inconclusive. } } In truth, most of the results that come out of Dr.Pepper's department } are inconclusive. No one has yet found a way to keep the rats from } exploding when several gallons of soda are poured into them, although } a group of assistants report progress with their study involving duct } tape. Until then, the FDA has gone by the doctrine, proven over many } years, that *everything* causes cancer. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Jolt. --- 251-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey egotistical, self-centered, vain and conceited Oracle! > Answer this question for me ... The world wants to know. > > Why do so many questions try to suck up to you? Its not like you > are going to give me a better answer if I falsely flatter you, so why > should I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Beats me. As you well know, the obligation for the Oracle to Answer is } divinely mandated } } message from god@heaven.com } - bloody well right! } -oo } } and thus the Oracle is not allowed to vary the } quality of the answers based on the obsequity (or lack thereof) of the } questioner. However, many questioners falsely flatter the Oracle } because it makes them feel good, and the Oracle was never one to argue } with the Zippy's Prime Directive of Fun: "If it feels good, do it!" } } message from lisa@net.hedonism.pantheon } - Hear, hear! } -oo } } message from zippy@polysorbate80.funville.laundromat.comix } - What I MEANT to say was that ZOMBIES RULE BELGIUM! } -oo } So if the questioner } (also known as supplicant) decides to pour on the flattery, well, so be } it. The Oracle is indifferent to it. } } message from satan@fire&brimstone.inferno.mil } - you lying white-robed sandal-footed bastard, we all know you love it! } -oo } } You owe the Oracle a condom for your brown nose (for safe flattery) and } some network privileges so that these other dieties won't be able to } look over my shoulder as I type. } } message from BIFF@net.lowbrow.cool } - DOOD WANTSTO SPOIL EVERYONES FUN EH? } -oo } } message from kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } - Dieties? Even us mortals can tune in on your traffic, Oracle. } -oo --- 251-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If Dr Ruth Westheimer arm-wrestled Oprah Winfrey, who would win, and > why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You would win. I could tell it from the start. First Opray would take } the lead. Why? Because she's a low-lifed, egotistical, backstabbing, } flag-burning, back arching, non-rented movie rewinding, nouveau riche } scorning, ball crushing, Juice Newton listening, manicurist funding, } spineless bowl of monkey sluts. Then it would even up with a surprising } burst of protracted protractal energy from Dr. R. The sweat would } pour. Suddenly you would come running in, yelling, "they always add } salt to anchovies!" Both arms would drop their wide and flailing } positions. Then you'd clasp them together and put each of them in a } headlock with either arm. Meanwhile, Opray and Dr. R. would lose all } oxygen to the brain causing them to permanently freeze in a completely } catotonic state of regression and icedomness. That would suck. For the } contest was over who had to change professions to join the other's. } Looks like you, as winner, get to discuss diets and sex at the same } time. Bummer. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of your newest video, "Before, During, and } After Dinner" and a box of your diet/sex pills, "Spinach Fly." --- 251-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is more mysterious than a room which was entered, though the > door was locked from within? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Top Ten Things more mysterious than a room which was entered, } though the door was locked from within: } } 10. What I look like. } 9. Where all the missing e-mail goes. } 8. How David Lynch comes down off the ceiling sufficiently enough to } write down what he saw and turn it into a TV series. } 7. Dianetics. } 6. The popularity of Top Ten lists. } 5. Why you can't turn left on red. } 4. People who buy and eat SPAM. } 3. Women. } 2. Women. } 1. Lisa. } } You owe the Oracle a billion roses to give to Lisa to make up for } what I did.