From kinzler Tue Jan 15 09:50:08 1991 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 15 Jan 91 09:18:48 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #250 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 250 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #250 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 15 Jan 91 09:18:48 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 245 12 votes 05331 36210 23340 11361 25500 01443 11523 11a00 40431 22701 245 2.9 mean 3.0 2.1 2.8 3.4 2.3 3.8 3.4 2.8 2.8 2.7 --- 250-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.UU.NET The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I had a hammer, I'd be a priest | Tallyn, Rogue Warrior > If I had a gun, I'd be a cowboy. | Sometimes DM, Sometimes not And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (I'm so excited, because Mr. Oracle is letting me use his computer for } a while. He even gave me 20 bucks, but he told me not to tell anyone } that, but you won't spill the beans, will you? Anyway, I'm not really } omniscient or anything, but I know how Mr. Oracle answers most of his } questions anyway because he lets me hang out here sometimes. What's } really funny is when he gives me 10 bucks to go to a movie, and then I } pretend to go but then sneak around the back and through the kitchen } and wait until Lisa shows up, usually in a tight skirt, and then they } go into the bedroom and I watch through the keyhole. Mr. Oracle sure } laughs wierd. I have to be careful, though, because sometimes they } come into the kitchen, and I have to hide in the pantry. But anyway, } Mr. Oracle is always complaining about the stupid questions he has to } answer, and then he just makes up something he thinks is funny. He } hardly ever looks in that big encyclopedia. So I figure I can do as } good a job as he does.) } } Hey, wait a minute, that's not a question! Maybe Mr. Oracle is right; } this is stupid. "If I had a hammer, I'd be a priest"? What the heck? } I mean, if it were "If I had a hammer, I'd be a judge" or "If I had a } hammer, I'd build a house" or "If I had an alter boy, I'd be a priest" } it'd make sense. Ha ha, get it? If I HAD an alter boy? Now the next } one makes sense, but it's still not a question. Besides, it could be } "If I had a gun, I'd be a soldier" or "If I had a gun, I'd make a drug } deal" or something. "Rogue Warrior", do you mean Road Warrior? What } a great movie, huh? I know what a DM is, it's Dowel Movement, right? } Hah, that's great! I love this! Maybe Mr. Oracle will let me do this } more often. Oh shit, he's back! What if he doesn't like the way I've } answered this? I'd better send it before he --- 250-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why has this very expensive toy suddenly become so boring? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boring, eh ? So you think you've explored all the hidden subtleties of } that little white box on your desk ? Wrong ! For the first time ever, } the oracle presents... } } "The Top 10 Hidden Key Sequences You Never Knew About" } } 1) L1-U - Halt user. Note that you have to sit quite close to your } terminal for this one to work, as the explosives are not very } powerful on some earlier models. } } 2) L1-S - Halt site. A more powerful version of L1-U, only available on } top-of-the-range models. } } 3) L1-C - Halt California. Works only if your site has an internet link } registered with the San Andreas fault. } } 4) L1-K - Halt Kuwait. I tried this one a few months ago, but nothing } much seemed to happen. } } 5) L1-L - Halt Lithuania. Supposedly similar to L1-K, but I shouldn't } think this works either. } } 6) L1-B - Halt wing/engine bolt - You'll need to set up a link with a } Boeing to get this one to go. Alternatively, link up to a DC10 } for a different effect every time ! } } 7) L1-R - Halt rubber duck. Ever wanted to wipe out the entire world's } stock of little yellow rubber ducks ? } } 8) L1-T - Halt all local public transport. Apparently, quite a lot of } people already know about this sequence. } } 9) L1-X - Halt Santa. The oracle's favourite. Causes all Santa Clauses } within a 10 mile radius to spontaneously combust. Lots of fun } at Xmas time. } } 10) L1-O - Whatever you do, don't press th --- 250-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I feel drafts, hear bats, and smell wumpuses? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are in the throes of a mental disorder that has jumbled your sensory } impressions. You should be quaffing drafts, hitting things with bats } (such as baseballs, cricket balls, people's heads), and waising wumpuses } in your wumpus woom (and you also seem to have a transitory speech } impediment that is showing up at times in your writing). } } See your psychiatrist. Or your psy-chia-pet that when properly wetted, } grows a lovely green coat of psy-chia for your psychotic psychic. } } And stop playing "Hunt the Wumpus." Nobody plays primitive computer } games like that any more -- elsewhereville for you! Unix Moria and } Nethack -- that's the ticket. --- 250-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > This is really just a test of our mailer, so that you don't have to > answer this question if you don't like... > > There's this girl I've known for a while. We've never been much more > than two people who simply are aware of each other and have some common > friends. Now she's started flirting with me and touching me, and I'm > reciprocating. She looks simply adorable: tiny, elfin, delectably > feminine. She's witty and intelligent and I've become infatuated with > her. Is there a possibility of romance between her and me, or is this > just another false alarm brought on by years of forced celibacy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, that's certainly a very pretty, affectionate little cat that your } neighbors have, and no doubt she'll continue to spend time at your place } if you continue to feed her those tins of salmon. } } The possibility of romance is very good (though I should warn you that } sex with a cat is not good unless you are a cat too, and the Oracle } perceives that you aren't). A sweet little kitty can give you a } lifetime of love an devotion. However, you should remember that she is } already pledged to another: the family next door. Just by feeding her, } you have already committed Pet Adultery, which is illegal in Wisconsin } and South Carolina. } } My advice, therefore, is to stop before this goes too far. There are } many other fine, loving cats waiting for adoption at your local humane } society shelter. Get one today. You won't regret it. --- 250-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Hi! How are you? I am fine. What do you do for fun? I work for a big > corporation and they pay me to play with really expensive compters, and > make a lot of data go all over on magic wires. Do you have a hobby? I > like to hack (in a nice way). Do you have magic wires too? What kind > of music do you like? I like Kate Bush (she is pretty). Do you like > TV? I like the Simpsons, Bart is soooo cool man! Do you have a pet? I > have a cat which my daughters have named Oreo. They live with their mom > now. I live with a co-worker who is going thru divorce too. We are > real poor saps. We both like to hack. We both like to stay over at our > girlfriends places too! (ha ha) We stay at our place when our kids come > to visit. Well, pen pal, I have to go back to work now. Write soon! > Your friend - Joey. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is always F-I-N-E fine. } } For fun, the Oracle answers lots of really stupid questions. } } The Oracle thinks Kate Bush is overrated and prefers to hear some } classic Billie Holiday. } } The Oracle likes to hack also. Just last week for instance, the Oracle } created a planet where all the life forms were silicon based and used } digital logic for all their thought processes. One group of these life } forms discovered that they could encode information and store it in } carbon-based molecules. Pretty soon lots of the life forms had gathered } around a place they called "Carbon Valley" to produce novel carbon-based } information-manipulation devices that used analog logic. Then suddenly } the life forms started wasting large amounts of effort in trying to } make their new devices think digitally and emulate their creators. The } Oracle promptly destroyed the planet because the inhabitants were } obviously total idiots. Sigh... Oh well, not all hacks work the very } first time, eh? } } Your friend and commander of your fate, } } The Oracle } } } P.S. You owe the Oracle another letter and a copy of Billie Holiday's } Greatest Hits on CD. --- 250-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ever since the Milli Vanilli scandal came to light, I have found solace > in listening to old Wham records whilst curled into a fetal position. > > My questions are: > > 1. Will Rob and Fab be given a sitcom on Fox? > > 2. Does George Michael really have his butt waxed and buffed, as > Saturday Night Live would have us believe? > > 3. In a jet on a stormy night should I get up and risk going to the > bathroom to get sick, or just use the provided bag? > > 4. Why can't I get any dates? Is it because of the Iraq embargo? > > 5. Do curious green dreams really sleep furiously? > > 6. Are they going to really going to make a sequel to Sorority House > Massacre? > > 7. Why is it that it's impossible for me to see my testicles? Is it > because my penis is too big, my stomach is too round, or my mirror is > broken? > > 8. Is Jamaican ganga really better than Mexican? Is it because of the > Alt key? > > 9. What ever happened to Light Bright? > > 10. Does Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear really have a top ten list > of fears? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yow! Ten questions?! What do you think I am, a discount clearinghouse on } answers? Grumble grumble. Well I guess I'll have to subcontract your } questions out. } } > 1. Will Rob and Fab be given a sitcom on Fox? } } The Amazing Frank Muldoon, TV reporter from the Golden Age replies: } Rob Petrie (aka Dick Van Dyke) already has a wonderful sitcom, although } what television has to do with The Twentieth Century Fox Studios, I } don't know. Fab is a fabric softener, or bleach, or something, and } couldn't possibly act. What's wrong with you friend? Get with the } program! } } > 2. Does George Michael really have his butt waxed and buffed, as } > Saturday Night Live would have us believe? } } Our spy in the Wall Street Journal, Mr. NFN NMI NLN, says: } Yes, it's true. After the decline in his once monumental popularity, the } rock singer fell on hard financial times and had to sign an endorsement } contract with Turtle Wax, Inc. His fans will be pleased to learn that he } doesn't enjoy it much, though. At least not until recently. } } > 3. In a jet on a stormy night should I get up and risk going to the } > bathroom to get sick, or just use the provided bag? } } Our jetset travel etiquette reporter, Ms. Concord Grape Manners thinks: } It is permissible to get sick in the bag if you are the only person in } your row, and the bag is really one of those provided, not your } neighbour's carry-on. On the other hand, if your row is clear, you have } easy access to the aisle, unless you bump into stewardesses serving } seafood a la king; and even if you do bump into one and have an accident } it probably wouldn't be noticed with the quality of airline food. But } really, must I continue trying to answer such a ghastly question? If } you had any manners at all you'd just hold it in until you landed. The } quality of social training these days is utterly deplorable! } } > 4. Why can't I get any dates? Is it because of the Iraq embargo? } } The spokeman for the Joint Cheifs of Staff bellows: } What's with you lilly-livered whiners anyway? Our boys are out there } trying to kick some subversive foreign butt, and all you can think of is } the Iraqi monopoly on calenders? Count on your fingers and toes if you } have to, dammit. Don't have a date? Eat a fig. FIG I say, not fag. } The army won't have anything to do with that, you HEAR me boy? Now get } out and let me requisition the napalm. } } > 5. Do curious green dreams really sleep furiously? } } Our resident Zen Master intones: } The answer must be torn from the belly of the goose, but only the goose } may explain it. } (Sorry, he hasn't been the same since he didn't get a piece of the } Thanksgiving Turkey -- obsessed with stuffing.) } } > 6. Are they going to really going to make a sequel to Sorority House } > Massacre? } } Our hollywood reporter oozes: } Babe, if it's worth a movie, it's worth a sequel. Not even a movie -- a } video's worth a sequel. Heck, a preview is worth a sequel. Just make } sequels and forget about the originals is what I say. Why take chances } with an unknown? } } And oozes again: } Hey baby, if you put out a movie, put out a sequel. Even a video or } preview's worth a repeat. (Put in some special effects here, guys.) } Stay tuned for exciting Part III of this answer, coming next summer. } } > 7. Why is it that it's impossible for me to see my testicles? Is it } > because my penis is too big, my stomach is too round, or my mirror is } > broken? } } Our staff psychologist soothes: } Now, now. There's no use denying it -- it was your own choice, after } all. We went through all this before the operation, and the sooner you } accept the facts, the sooner you can get on with your new life as a } woman. } } > 8. Is Jamaican ganga really better than Mexican? Is it because of } > the Alt key? } } We got this question to our Central American correspondent, but not } before he'd dropped a couple of Mescaline tabs. He replies: } Who's ganga? Why Alt? Am I talking to a purple cow, or are you the } bean pole I ate with my bowl of Rice Crispies? Wow, man. I think I've } really f***ed up my mind good this time. } } > 9. What ever happened to Light Bright? } } Our Toy Industry Analyst confidently states: } The idea of poking things into a dark sheet to get bursts of color has } been implemented more effectively on the computer, spelling the end of } Light Bright. Not only will the computer allow you to reuse a screen, } thus eliminating blank-sheet-hording psychosis, but you can do all your } poking in the dark without fear of contracting some nasty disease. } } > 10. Does Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear really have a top ten } > list of fears? } } Oh bugger it, I'm tired of answering you. You owe me a monster cup of } coffee, pal. And two jelly donuts. --- 250-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I know about ten young, pretty women, any of whom I would love to have > insanely in love with me. Then there's this other girl, almost pretty > but really ditzy and annoying, who is infatuated with me even though I > don't really like her. Is there any way to remove her infatuation for > me and transfer it to one of the women I really like? If it were > possible and I did it, would the fact of the recipient of the > transplanted infatuation being infatuated render her unattractive to me > as well? In other words, are these ten or so women attractive to me > only because not one of them wants me, but if one did I would find her > repulsive? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is not interested in analyzing your psychological problems, } fascinating though they are in their byzantine complexity. If you truly } want to resolve your love/hate complices, the Oracle recommends that you } either consult a very expensive therapist whose name I will give you, } from whom the Oracle receives no kickbacks whatsoever, really, or that } you join the French Foreign Legion, which is much less expensive and } equally unlikely to untangle your twisted psyche. } } However, the problem of infatuation transplant is, in fact, much simpler } than you imagine. Today, the Oracle revolutionizes medical science by } revealing that infatuation is actually the result of parasitic } infection. At the base of your eyelashes, live microscopic mites. } Bugs. Little bugs. Normally, these mites are totally benign. They } live in their microscopic world, wooing microscopic mite-maidens, } raising microscopic families, and going on microscopic holidays to the } lower eyelid. However, in response to a complex and subtle imbalance in } the hormonal chemistry of their host, these mites travel to the optical } nerve, where they respond to specific light patterns on the retina by } secreting a hallucinogenic chemical. The initial symptoms of this } hormone are minor interference with vision (hence, "starry-eyed with } love"), followed quickly by waves of unrealistic sexual fantasy, i.e., } infatuation. } } So, if you want to transfer the infatuation from the ditzy one to any of } the nubile nymphs of your dreams, you only need to follow this } straightforward procedure: } } 1) Tackle and sedate the ditzy one. With TEEEEEENY little tweezers and } a microscope, remove all mites from her eyelashes. Make sure to get } every one. } } 2) Capture a nymph. Exterminate her native mites. For this purpose, } the Oracle has found strong doses of DDT injected into the eyes to be } effective. } } 3) Seed the nymph's eyes with the captive mites. The onset of } infatuation should take 6 to 10 hours. } } } You owe the Oracle one dozen microscopic Roach Hotels. --- 250-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Considering the things happening in the world today, "A" is obviously > for "Atom bomb", but what do the rest of the letters of the alphabet > stand for? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A -- is for Atom Bomb, which we hope we never drop } B -- is for Bush, who is turning out a flop } C -- is for Congress, which is really confused } D -- is for Dan Rather, who is somewhat bemused } E -- is for Europe, which will never be the same } F -- is for Freedom, which for some is just a game } G -- is for Gorbachev, who is grabbing up more power } H -- is for Hussain, whose plans are going sour } I -- is for Inflation, which hits everybodys pocket } J -- is for Japan, going off like a rocket } K -- is for Kissing, something I like to do } L -- is for Lisa, the one to do it to } M -- is for Masochists, who really like pain } N -- is for Narcissists, who really are vain } O -- is for Oracle, if I may be so bold } P -- is for Paulina, a treasure to behold } Q -- is for Quayle, who really is a dummy } R -- is for Rushdie, who may be killed for money } S -- is for Sexy, something for which I yearn } T -- is for Turbo C++, which I really have to learn } U -- is for Ugly, like Roseanne Barr } V -- is for Volkswagon, like my old car } W -- is for Whiskey, something neat to drink } X -- is for Xmas, too commercial I think } Y -- is for Yo-Yo, with which I like to play } Z -- is for Zero, the amount I have left to say } } You owe the Oracle a few new letters to play around with, and the time } to mess around with this foolishness. --- 250-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I tried that, but the penguin complained about the heat. What next? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, just rot13 it and go back to bed. --- 250-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why why why why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because because because because, of the wonderful things he does. } } You owe the Oracle a yellow brick.