From kinzler Fri Jan 11 11:47:15 1991
Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Date: Fri, 11 Jan 91 11:36:27 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
To: oracle-list
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #249
Reply-To: oracle-vote

=== 249 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #249
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 11 Jan 91 11:36:27 -0500

*** If you're reading this in alt.humor.oracle, you'll notice that the
*** Usenet Oracularities are now in digest format.  This may mean that
*** you see each posted volume as eleven seperate articles.  Or you
*** may still see one long article in a different format.  It depends
*** on your newsreading software and whether your site runs an
*** undigestifying program.  In any case, I hope this is to your
*** convenience.  You should still be able to send in your votes by
*** mail reply to one of the postings.  Though you may see each
*** volume's ten Oracularities as seperate news articles, please still
*** send in your votes as before -- ten ratings for each single volume
*** per mailed-in vote.  Thanks.
***
*** If anyone is seeing the ten Oracularities in this volume as
*** seperate articles and not presented in numerical order (ie, #01
*** through #10), please mail me a note saying so.
***
***                                            Steve Kinzler

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
    200
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

244   9 votes  00225 02331 03312 13032 21321 02232 02322 03510 04230 03321
244  3.3 mean   4.3   3.3   3.2   3.2   2.9   3.6   3.4   2.8   2.9   3.1

--- 249-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How can there be any sin in sincere?
> Where is the good in goodbye?
> Your apprehensions confuse me dear,
> puzzle and mystify, tell me
> what can be fair in farewell, dear?
> While one single star shines above,
> how can there be any sin in sincere?
> Aren't we sincerely in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why does everybody think that the Oracle likes poetry?  Let me get
} something straight, here..
}
} I HATE POETRY!  It sucks!  I wouldn't write it for a million bucks.
} But it seems as though you pester me, so I have no choice but to
} agree.  I listen to you sing and rhyme.  It's nothing but a horrid
} crime.  Please, please my ears are full. Do you want to kill the
} Oracle?
}
} Message from iuvax!god on tty01 at 12:01
} What is this needless noise i hear?
} This is your job, so be sincere!
} I'm giving one more chance to you,
} Before I yank your CPU.
} EOF
}
} Groan groan, moan moan.
}
} Now then..
}
}   What were you saying?
}
} You owe the oracle a hose to shove right up his master's nose.
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} The Oracle:                | (* *)   Even Great Wise Wonders have .sigs!
} The second best thing you  |   ^
} can do by yourself         |  ___    "Computers do it with more RAM!"

--- 249-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is there love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Without love, the reproductive process would begin something like "Now
} wait, let me get this straight, you want me to do WHAT with my WHAT?" Or
} more formally, somewhere along the line, evolution brought out "love" in
} order to entice ordinarily intelligent, civilized human beings to become
} utterly fascinated with parts of each other directly associated with or
} in the vicinity of urination, defecation, and/or menstruation.
}
} Besides, its a rather clever euphemism for hard, hot, passionate *LUST*.
} But don't tell Lisa.
}
} You owe the Oracle the charred remains of 500,000 copies of "Endless
} Love" and a Donnie and Marie dartboard.

--- 249-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> tell me oh my sweet sweet    oracle
> i m in a terrible state of
> stress....what can i do?
> As u r 1 of the most suprior beings in our space-time-continuity,please
> help me out,as im only a poor little human
>                                                klaus(3 dimensions only)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...  what you call stress is usually floating around in
} multidimensional waves.  Higher dimensional beings (as myself) are able
} to evade these waves by shifting a bit in a direction the stress wave
} can't follow.
}
} Lower dimensional creatures, like you (imagine:  only three dimensions
} [giggle.....phrroost]) can't take this sort of evasive action.
}
} Back in the golden days of a time which you call the "far future", a
} couple of guys discussed this very matter at a marvellous orgy on the
} planet Playtex and finally managed to mix a drink that would give a
} finite-dimensional brain the extra kick for jumping into
} infinite-dimensionality for a short time.  They called the drink SUDDEN
} DEATH in reference to the fact, that many brains failed to return from
} their dimensional voyage.
}
} So hear my advice and take stress as it is, and never, NEVER try the
} aforementioned drink.
}
} You owe the Oracle some means of getting to that party.  And please
} don't call me sweet.

--- 249-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin  <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> how come Bursh is persident?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Becrause Dukrakis lsot the erlection.
}
} You owe the Oracle the roast buttocks of Ted Kennedy, in a red
} wine sauce.  And don't spare the tenderizer, and mind you trim off
} all the excess fat first.

--- 249-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I presume you were brought here the same way we
> were, drawn by some sort of sorcery?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The dark figure stood unmoving for a moment, and then began to quiver
} and to emit a low, choaking sound.  The three travellers were confused,
} until they realized that the new arrival was laughing!
}
} "Oh, oh, oh my," it panted, in a disturbingly deep and echoing voice.
} "Brought here?  Me?  Oh, no, my friends, you mistake me.  *I* brought
} *you*, and not by any feeble sorcery." Chuckling, the being fell back
} into an overstuffed chair, throwing a dense cloud of dust into the room.
} A stale smell, as of unwashed clothes and old, greasy food wrappers,
} pervaded the poorly-lit room.
}
} "Then, thou wouldst appear to be our host," spoke the tall Viking, "but
} not much of a host, methinks."
}
} The figure in the chair went silent, and very, very still.  "Do not try
} my patience, Bjarnason.  Sit." The figure reached out toward a strange
} wall panel, and his fingers flashed across its surface.
}
} > mv /usr/local/furniture/chairs .
} > sed "s/standing/sitting" /tmp/travellers /tmp/travellers.~1~
}
} Instantly, the three found themselves seated in badly upholstered chairs
} that had not previously been present.  "Why have you brought us here?"
} shouted the thin Scotsman, sweat appearing on his brow.
}
} "I needed... data.  You will do."
}
} The three looked at each other with apprehension.  Suddenly, the fat
} Frenchman sprang to his feet, drawing both swords and lunging toward the
} still unidentified figure looming across the room.
}
} > cat \!1 > /dev/null
}
} The Frenchman vanished, his swords clanging against the flagstones where
} he had stood.
}
} "I advise you both to avoid such foolish antics," spat the dark figure.
}
} Horror settled deep into Bjarnason's soul, like ice between his toes.
} He knew.  He should have known earlier, but he couldn't have saved
} Pierre.  "You're a UNIX wizard, aren't you?"
}
} "Exactly, my friend.  I assume that I will now have you cooperation?"
}
} Bjarnason stared at the shadowed face, realizing that his long travels
} had come to an end.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed copy of "Sysops of Gor."

--- 249-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Pounds of Lard, Oracle!  Dr. Imposter has just imposted me to alt.sex!
> What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, a weak mortal such as yourself should be more careful
} about using phrases such as "Pounds of Lard" so near a reference to the
} name of the Oracle lest the Oracle misinterpret your implication and
} quickly transform you into a manic-depressive COBOL programmer who can't
} spell "DIVISION",...  and quit looking at my gut.
}
} As for your question, this situation reminds me of something one of the
} Oracle mentors back in Oracle School use to say after patiently
} listening to a junior Oracle incarnation-in-training expound on his own
} ignorance.  He'd always say something to the effect of "Now what you
} meant to say was this..." and then he'd proceed to deflate the
} overwinded JOIIT in usually less than a minute flat.  Ah yes, those were
} the days...  but the Oracle digresses.  The point is that though you
} have asked what CAN you do, the Oracle (being the all-knowing wise dude
} that the Oracle is) understands that what you realio, trulio meant to
} ask was what SHOULD you do.  You CAN do most anything you want to do,
} including shoving sausage pepperoni beef ham pizzas down your throat
} until you discover one day that the very slightest most innocent
} reference to the concept of "fat" sends you into a brooding guilt-ridden
} deranged type of extremely bad mood...  but once again, the Oracle
} digresses.  Sorry about that.  Now back to the your problem:  What
} should you do.  It has been said by certain, no doubt unimpersonable,
} members of your species that being imposted, as it were, is the
} sincerest form of flattery, but the Oracle, of course, can tell that
} being flattered was not the resultant effect upon your person.
} Therefore the Oracle knows, even if you yourself do not realize it yet,
} that the information you are seeking hinges on that oh so very human of
} concepts:  REVENGE.  Take heed to the Oracle and understand that
} following the jagged path of REVENGE can lead one into the very darkest
} depths of the soul where one may come face to face with evil
} monstrosities which one perhaps previously thought were unimaginable by
} a mere mortal.  Now, with the required disclaimer out of the way, let's
} get to the good stuff.  Specifically, the part where you nail Dr.
} Imposter's output port to the side of the barn.
}
} First, ftp a copy of "sex.c" from somewhere and edit the vocabulary as
} you see fit (haha).  Be sure that the vocabulary for "male" contains
} only "Dr. Imposter".  Then compile the program and run it a few times
} for some instant gratification.  The oracle did just this and got
} several good laughs at the expense of the mortal Dr. Imposter.  Here`s
} an example of one of the slightly less offensive but still satisfyingly
} humourous outputs:
}
}       "Is it in yet?" croaked the nine-year old match girl as
}       the nose-grooming Dr. Imposter defiled her oozing armpits
}       and crammed his limp arm into her tightly tensed eye
}       socket.
}
} Next, if you do not already have superuser priviledges on one of the
} humans' computers, befriend a system administrator (bribe or seduce one
} if you have to).  Set up an account with the name "Dr. Imposter" and
} set the mailer's hostname to something misleading, preferably that of
} Dr. Imposter's host.
}
} Now create a crontab entry for your new account that crossposts the
} random output of your new sex.c program to alt.sex, alt.flame, and
} talk.environment at least once or twice an hour.  ONLY ALLOW THIS TO GO
} ON FOR LESS THAN ONE DAY!  Remember that revenge sours quickly.  Even
} too much petty, childish, spiteful, hardly worth the effort revenge such
} as this can be bad for you.
}
} Even if you should decide not to execute to conclusion this insidious
} plot of revenge (no doubt a wise choice), you should still consider
} trying out the edited version of "sex.c".  It's great fun!
}
}       "Talk dirty, you pig!" salivated the wanton DARPA contract
}       monitor as the practically non-existent Dr. Imposter
}       ravished her globular disk drives and squeezed his knobby
}       candlestick into her scabiferous orifice.
}
}
} You owe the Oracle a new copy of "Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Kahn" on
} VHS.

--- 249-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> They don't remember me.  They didn't like me even when I thought I was
> at the peak of my popularity.  So what now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shut up, Mr. Quayle, and get back in the reactor.

--- 249-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Ever since the Milli Vanilli scandal came to light, I have found solace
> in listening to old Wham records whilst curled into a fetal position.
>
> My questions are:
>
>  1.  Will Rob and Fab be given a sitcom on Fox?
>
>  2.  Does George Michael really have his butt waxed and buffed, as
> Saturday Night Live would have us believe?
>
>  3.  In a jet on a stormy night should I get up and risk going to the
> bathroom to get sick, or just use the provided bag?
>
>  4.  Why can't I get any dates?  Is it because of the Iraq embargo?
>
>  5.  Do curious green dreams really sleep furiously?
>
>  6.  Are they going to really going to make a sequel to Sorority House
> Massacre?
>
>  7.  Why is it that it's impossible for me to see my testicles?  Is it
> because my penis is too big, my stomach is too round, or my mirror is
> broken?
>
>  8.  Is Jamaican ganga really better than Mexican?  Is it because of the
> Alt key?
>
>  9.  What ever happened to Light Bright?
>
>  10.  Does Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear really have a top ten list
> of fears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. No, that would be cruelty to animals.
} 2. Only the butt of his revolver, not the butt of his body.
} 3. Get up.  This gives you an excuse to puke on the bratty squalling kid
} who was being so noisy a while back.
} 4. Try sex with some other fruit.  Melons, for instance.  My you must be
} quite small, what?
} 5. Yep.
} 6. No.  But there will be a movie coming out with exactly the same plot
} only set in a girls' prep school.
} 7. They're inside your scrotum, silly.
} 8. No and no.
} 9. Nothing.  It flourisheth, even as the green bay tree.
} 10. Yes, mostly they involve vicious washing machines and maniacs armed
} with knives.
}
} No way this is getting into the Oracularities, kiddo.  Ten bloody
} questions!  Sheesh!

--- 249-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Alan Marc Gallatin  <alan@amglaw.durham.nc.us>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O most Benevolent and Wise Oracle, who possesses complete and utter
> understanding of the entire multiverse and whose awesome power is such
> that even mighty gods abase themselves pitifully in your radiant glory,
> please tell me:
>
> Why is the strange looking man in the corner of the room grinning
> wickedly and playing with a very sharp knife?  Why is everyone else so
> apparently unconcerned?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} He is an acolyte of the Oracle, sent to execute you in a hideous ritual
} sacrifice.  The Oracle HATES brown-nosing scum like you, and will go to
} any extreme to rid the world of such knee-bending, head-bowing,
} kow-towing, butt-sucking, dirt-chewing, toe-licking, shoe-shining,
} hem-kissing, two-question-asking, punctuation-misusing filth.  You have
} two minutes to live.
}
} The answer to your second question is obvious:  Everyone else is in on
} the plot.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dignified apology in some future life.

--- 249-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why, Oh al powerful oracle,
> do my girlfriends panties stick to the wall when thrown at it after a
> night on the town?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem lies not with your girlfriend's lingerie, which is clean,
} dry, and sweet-smelling, but rather with the wall, for walls have little
} sense of decorum and no self-restraint.  When it goes out for a frenetic
} night of wild carousing, a wall paints the town red.  The town paints
} the wall off-white.  In the morning, the paint is still sticky.  Don't
} lean on it.
}
} You owe the Oracle six gallons of red hi-gloss exterior latex and a
} clean brush.