From jonmon@cadence.com Thu Jan 3 14:34:45 1991 Received: from UUNET.UU.NET by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu with SMTP (5.61+/1.4jsm) id AA17171; Thu, 3 Jan 91 14:34:30 -0500 Received: from cadence.com by uunet.uu.net (5.61/1.14) with UUCP id AA17694; Thu, 3 Jan 91 14:34:22 -0500 Received: from gda by cadence.noble (5.61/3.14) id AA17109; Thu, 3 Jan 91 11:31:25 -0800 Received: from thanatos.gda by gda (3.2/GDA-90/10/18) id AA22187; Thu, 3 Jan 91 14:29:16 EST Received: by thanatos.gda (4.0/SMI-4.0-gda) id AA09318; Thu, 3 Jan 91 14:32:29 EST Date: Thu, 3 Jan 91 14:32:29 EST From: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227) Message-Id: <9101031932.AA09318@thanatos.gda> To: oracle-list@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Subject: Usenet Oracularities #247 Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 247 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #247 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 3 Jan 91 14:32:29 EST To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 247-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, wise Oracle, > I want a woman who looks like a real-life version of those dark, > squiggly-haired women in the "Sylvia" comic strip. They are a bit too > feminist (i.e., to the point of bitchiness) for me, but they look so > cute. How do I get to know women who look like that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You want to meet a woman like that and get to know her, eh? Well this } is simple. Just start by attending a feminist rally. You can find out } where these are held at any local college campus, especially one like } UC Berkeley. Once you're there drop a lot of comments about how } wonderful you think the woman's movement is and how much you'd like to } discuss it over dinner (this last part is directed toward the } squiggle-head). A few words of caution before explaining what to do } about dinner, though. NEVER use the words "babe" "chick" or "tomato" } (not even talking about real tomatoes --- someone will overhear you and } cut your, uh, well let's just say it's a bad idea) } } Once you've found a squiggle-head who is willing to come to your home, } PUT ON AN APRON. You don't own an apron? GET ONE! It'll make you } look like the subservient docile man squiggle-heads all think they } want. Of course you'll need to learn how to cook and clean and tend } babies first, as you wouldn't want the siggle-head to think you were } just putting on an act. You need to really get into the mindset of a } housewi --- er, person. Once you've impressed her with your total lack } of pride and dignity and completely subservient manner, she'll make you } marry her (don't worry --- by this time you'll be too spineless to } object) and you an spend the rest of your days catching her sneaking } peeks at Tom Cruise: Undressed and the Chip and Dale's calendar. } } Consider well this answer from the Seveth Incarnation of the Usenet } Oracle as Firplex (version 0.9) --- 247-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise old Oracle, > I bought a box of Kix cereal the other day. On the back of the > box is a picture of two children and a sexy woman a bit too young to be > their mother. Does this mean that the children and their "mother" are > included inside the box? I suppose that I could empty the contents of > the box into the biggest mixing boxl I have and see if three little > packets of compressed, freeze-dried human being are in there, but it's > easier asking you; moreover, you, O Oracle, can also tell me how to get > them if they're not in the box. Actually, I'll settle for the woman -- > the kids aren't necessary. > But if they're not in the box, isn't that false advertising? If > there are pictures of people on a cereal box there should be the people > inside. I know the lonely girl down the street got herself her very > oen (uh, own) Michael Jordan in a box of Wheaties, so I should be able > to get this woman in a box of Kix. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, now, my son... you know unless there is a "Free Inside" banner on } the box, there is nothing inside but the cereal. To get the woman, } what you ned to do is buy a box of Kix with a free inside banner on the } front, carefully cut it out, and then paste it on the back over the } sexy woman. Then take this box back to the store, carefully and neatly } insert it on the shelves, and go home. The next day, come back and } purchase your box again. I know this means buying it twice.. do you } think sexy young women come cheaply? } } When you get it home, you must eat all the cereal in a single sitting } to prove that you have the proper... appetites to satisfy the s.y.w. } When you are done with this, there will be a small object remaining in } the bottom of the box. Now, you have two options here. You are going } to need to mix this object with both household foods, and it will } eventually become a proper young woman, so you want to either put it in } a large dish or put it inside a night gown or something. Actually, I } guess you coult put it inside the nightgown, and then put the nightgown } on the dish... Why haven't I thought of that all the other times I've } been asked this question? Hmm... } } Assuming you have the smail object inside some properly femininely } piece of clothing and on a large dish, cover the object in sugar, and } spice, and, oh, a little of everything nice you have in the house. You } might want to include some melted butter, some honey, and perhaps some } pins and needles, depending on how hot, sweet, and sharp you want her } to be.... } } Now, you know a watch pot never boils, and a watched woman never } materializes, so go out of the room. As a matter of fact, you better } get out of the house. Assuming you put in even one needle, she'll be } smart enough to take care of herself, so don't worry about that. Go to } the grocery store and restock all the crap that's now sitting in the } dish. 'Cept the object. heh heh. } } What's that? While you're shopping, you see a sexy, young lady? She } looks just like you envisioned the one on the box would look if she } wasn't drawn by some really cheesy comic book artist? Well, now you're } on the horns of a dilemma. That _might_ be your s.y.w., out shopping } for all the stuff you used to make her... or it might be a real woman. } You have to decide whether you can possibly handle two s.y.w., now.... } If you can't, just watch her walk by.. if she's the one you made, } you'll meet her at home (by the way, I hope you didn't put the littler } objects from the box of Kix in the mix... the kids won't work with the } woman-mix. Not enough mud.) and if she's not, your s.y.w. will be at } home waiting for you... } } If you can cope with two s.y.w., here's a simple way to make sure she } comes home with you: Walk up to her with a box of Draino crystals in } your hand, tap her on the shoulder, and say, "Excuse me. Do you know } any chocolate-chip cookie recip--" } } I'M SORRY. ET&T (ETHEREAL TELEPHONE AND TELEGRAPH) REQUIRES ANOTHER } $2.10 FOR THE NEXT THREE MINUTES OF ADVICE. PLEASE INSERT $2.10... } } Damn, I'm fresh out of change. Call me again when you have some more } money, will you? } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } The oracle incarnated as sfeldon@milton.u.washington.edu (steve } feldon). } } Thanks. I had fun with this one. :) --- 247-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, who is well-versed in every aspect of lots of stuff: > > How can I make big bucks becoming an award-winning cartoonist? Are > there any themes or characters that are left untapped? I've got > the art, the humor, the rhythm, and the soul, but something is > missing. > > Should I sell out with stuffed animals, T-shirts, anthologies, etc.? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By all means, *DO* sell out. That's how you make big bucks. As to } being award-winning, you can't get the Pulitzer if you don't sell out. } Pick one or the other. } } The Oracle points out that it has not been captured in any cartoons. } Consider The Oracle as an untapped theme, make Oracle dolls, lunch } boxes, posters, and Christmas specials and you'll earn a mint. } } You owe The Oracle an autographed portrait of itself. --- 247-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Most Superselective Oracle, > > You never seem to be pleased with what I ask, so I thought I'd just ask > you: is there any question you WOULD like to answer? > > A disgruntled member of the Usenet faithful And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those } really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation. } % load Oracle.sim } % execute question } >Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer? } } >Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those } >really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation. } >% load Oracle.sim } >% execute question } >>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer? } } >>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those } >>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation. } >>% load Oracle.sim } >>% execute question } >>>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer? } } >>>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those } >>>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation. } >>>% load Oracle.sim } *** MESSAGE FROM operator@oracle.heaven.gov **** } What the HELL is going on?? You're using 99% of the CPU. } } >>>% execute question } >>>>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer? } } >>>>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those } >>>>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation. } >>>>% load Oracle.sim } *** MESSAGE FROM st-peter@pearly-gates.heaven.gov **** } Hey! I'm trying to get work done here: I've got 'em backed up from } 1982. The whole damned system is tied up. } } >>>>% execute question } >>>>>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer? } } >>>>>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those } >>>>>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation. } >>>>>% load Oracle.sim } *** MESSAGE FROM goedel@theory.math.uheaven.edu **** } I warned you about this sort of thing. } } >>>>>% execute question } >>>>>>Enter question: Is there any question you WOULD like to answer? } } >>>>>>Now there's a creative question! What fun!! Questions like those } >>>>>>really liven things up around here. Let me run a simulation. } *** MESSAGE FROM st-michael@pearly-gates.heaven.edu **** } You know where I left my trumpet? } } >>>>>>% load Oracle.sim } PANIC AT 10:07 HST. EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN. } } You owe the Oracle a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem. --- 247-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, wise in the ways of advertising, > > Why do they call it a *family-size* box of condoms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How strange! It seems perfectly obvious to me. I mean suppose your } children have a party and you need to supply a water-balloon to each } child. Then a regular size pack of condoms just wouldn't be big enough. } Or when a kindergarten class is finger painting, and you don't want } their hands to get messy, you pass out ten small condoms, or two giant } one, to each kid, but in any case you use the family size packs. } } Still, I thought there might be people out there who use condoms for } purposes other than these ones, which they were obviously manufactured } for, so I asked around for you. A member of the tri-O(racle) } fraternity tells me you need a family size pack for when you're doing } it with a whole family at the same time. I don't know, it seems like } a wholesome sentiment: togetherness, quality time, the family that } plays together stays together and all that. But he was smirking so } very strangely. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of just what he meant by "it." --- 247-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, say, can you see, by the dawn's early light, what so gallantly > hailed--I mean, what so valiantly streamed, at the last twilight's > gleam... no, somehow, that doesn't seem right, either... what so > valiantly we hailed by the twilight's last streaming? Whose broad > stripes and perilous--no, bright, stars, through the perilous fight, > o'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? Wait, didn't > I already say that part? I know the bombs part comes next, that part > always made sense... > > Anyway, Oracle, do you see what I'm getting at? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As always, the Oracle sees what you're getting at. Omniscience is like } that. This instance is remarkable, however, in that the Oracle not } only knows what's bothering it you, it actually sympathizes! For many } years, the Oracle has felt that "The Star Spangled Banner" was a } less-than-inspired choice for the National Anthem of the most } powerful, wasteful, over-fed and testosterone-poisoned nation on Earth. } As a great sage once put it, Words no one can remember to a tune no } one can sing. And, through intimate association with the opening } seconds of major sporting events, it has been reduced in symbolic } stature to the level of "Have a nice day!" When you put TSSB up against } "O Canada" or "God Save the Queen" or "La Marseillaise", it's not } surprising that your average American has an inferiority complex the } size of Ohio. } } The Oracle has the solution: The New American National Anthem! Easy to } Remember! Easy to Sing! One short simple chorus, with no confusing } verses that might require a knowledge of US history to understand! } Comes in Many Popular Colors! Low in Calories!! Learn it now 'n' } teach it to your friends!! Stand up and sing it proudly whenever you } see the Flag, the President, the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, } the New York Yankees, the Pittsburgh Penguins, the Vice President } (well, maybe not the Vice President). } } The New American National Anthem } or } U S of A } (to the tune of Louie, Louie) } } U S of A! } Oh, baby } I love you so! } Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah! } (repeat several times) } } Play Ball! } } You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Rosanne Barr. --- 247-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, > > You know how when you're trying to find your keys, or an overdue > library book or something, you can never find it, but months later it > shows up in a place you KNOW you searched for it? Who does that, and > where do they go in the meantime? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, you have fallen victim to a common misconception. Many people will } attribute such random disappearances to an assortment of mischievous } influences: leprauchans, Borrowers, demons, children, or other } mythological creatures. Expensive psychologists will try to convince } you that your keys and your overdue library books really were there ALL } THE TIME, but that you subconsciously decided to overlook them because } you were abused by your father when you were a very small child, or } because your older sister dressed you in her clothes until you were } seven years old, or because you have a deep-seated need to write very } large checks to psychologists. } } In fact, as for so many of the mysteries of everyday life, Physics } provides a straighforward explanation of this seemingly } incomprehensible experience. What you have witnessed is simply a } commonplace manifestation of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, } which states, in its simplest form that... ummm... just a minute, I } gotta find the book... Damn! I had it here just a second ago - } Whatever. It states, to put it in layman's terms, that there is a } small, but finite probabilty that any particular thing will be found } pretty much anywhere. Here, let me sketch out a diagram to help you } understand. Let me just get a pen... Now where did I put that pen? Oh } well, never mind. This principle applies across the board to } electrons, pions, eyeglasses, even to the letters of the words in this } answ r!! } } e } } You owe the Oracle the exact mass and momentum of your favorite } particle. --- 247-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > supplies according to plan. Operation Crusader should > commence on schedule at 0400 15 January. > > 4.5 Disinformation. This is discussed more fully in attached memo > D614/4528-8203 (a,b,e). Summarizing here, the press has > completely bought the line we won't be ready till March or > later. I can't wait to grease those camel jockeys. > > Maj. F. J. Peacock > > P.S. Hey, Larry, could you do something about that dingbat secretary of > yours. I don't mind people playing around a little, but you're supposed > to have a secure node, and if she's not careful, the shit could hit the > fan. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Re: Operation Crusader } } Glad to hear things are going well on your end, please keep me advised. } I continue to believe that Desert Shield and the liberation effort will } be won or lost not at the FEBA, but in the skies over the Atlantic. } } While I have the highest respect and admiration for your boys on the } line, I also have the highest confidence in your ability to dislodge } the Iraqis if properly supplied. The key to winning, in this war, is } our 'aluminum bridge', and the logistical force that manages and } maintains it. Us guys in Supply are pulling as hard as we can for you. } } As for Lisa, I think of her as one of the "bennies" of being on this } side of the effort. I may never get a CIB (or any other medal) but a } lot of guys around here deserve Purple Hearts for running into walls } and tripping over chairs trying to keep an eye on her! } } Seriously, I'll have a talk with her, but I'd be real suprised if } anything important were to get loose. } } Good luck on the 15th, } } J. Lawrence Hooker, Major, USA --- 247-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise oracle, what is the secret of the New Kids' success? Surely > this defies all known intelligences, as it must be supernatural in > origin. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You mean that you think that supernatural intelligences are unknown? } Feh. Some of the Oracle's best friends are supernatural intelligences. } No, the Oracle doesn't actually have direct conversations with God } (that's just a shtick that some of Its incarnations do in attempts at a } cheap laugh), but the Oracle was having ale with St. Michael the } Archangel just last week, and It asked Mike about tNKotB (the New Kids } on the Block). Here are some bits of the conversation: } } Oracle (quaffing a fresh ale): So, Mike, what's with the New Kids on } the Block? How come they're so successful? } } St. Michael the Archangel: Hey, you're the most nearly omniscient of } created beings, apart from a few saints I could mention, certainly } the best outside Heaven. You should know that already. } } O.: But you know I don't actually know anything without willing to, and } I have trouble with that when I've had a few of these. You guys sure } brew your ale strong [we were at the Dante Pub in Purgatory, drinking } the local brew]. } } M.: Okay, old chum. Yo, waitress, another brewski! } } Waitress: Right away, archangel Sir! } } O.: Say, isn't that [a late prominent feminist]? } } M.: Yep. She's young and pretty again, and she's gonna work in this } pub until she gets all that arrogant-pride crap kicked out of her. } Anyway, the New Kids were dreamed up by the Infernal Propaganda } Service. Backing them all the way. You get a buncha kids who don't } believe in much of anything, and good taste flies right out the } window. } } O.: You mean that the New Kids promote Satanism? } } M.: Look, smart guys like you should know that all the obvious Satanist } crap is damn well near useless. Hell is trying a more subtle } approach. Of course they're not obviously Satanist. They're simply } promoting all kinds of wimpiness. Hell knows that there's a certain } amount of rebel in both saints and sinners, saints rebelling from the } chains of sin, sinners rebelling from God, the poor twits. They're } hoping that by promoting mindless conformity, they'll scoop up a } bunch of low-grade sinners who go to Hell by default. } } O.: So what are you guys doing about it? } } M.: Hey, how many people with mental ages over 12 _like_ the New Kids? } } O.: Hardly any? } } M.: That's _our_ contribution. They're so insipid, you see. Hey, } waitress, where's that beer? } } W.: [rushing over] Here you are, Sir. } } M.: Thanks. So you see, the situation is well in hand. --- 247-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Goodbye. Will I give in and ask you a question ever again, or am I > really going to have the strength to quit the Oracle forever? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, wait, please... you know the Oracle cares deeply, really He does. } But you know as well as I do that marriage is out of the question. I } mean, first off, you have your own religion, and I AM a religion. We } couldn't work it out unless you were to be deified, and you won't even } be eligible for another aleph-two lives. That's a BIG piece of } eternity, if you know what I mean. } } Then again, I don't think you're really being sensitive to MY needs, } either. Once in a while, I'd like to just sit back with a Bartles and } James and watch the Simpsons, while YOU did the omniscience. And you } always leave the soap in the sink, and GUESS WHO has to clean up } afterward. And everytime I iconify a window, YOU open it again! Why } don't we just throw the cycles away, really!!! } } And we've discussed children, too. How would we bring them up? You } know how kids like to tease anyone who's the least bit different. } Besides, the biological clock is ticking for you, and I'd like to wait } a couple of aeons, maybe take the transfer to Valhalla. It's a } teriffic career move. They'd give me my own thunderbolts - that's a } dang sight higher voltage than these stupid little Ethernet ports! } Besides, I span the cosmos and all of space-time - I'd HATE living in } your mom's house in Baltimore! } } We can talk around it until I'm blue in the diodes, but that doesn't } change the fact that we're not meant to be. I'll come by next Sunday } and pick up the CD player and the Y-MP. You can keep the asteroid, if } you want. I hope we can still be friends after all this. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the Pnakotic Manuscripts, and yes, you } did too borrow them, for the Easter chorus recital!