From jonmon@cadence.com Fri Dec 21 11:05:02 1990 Received: from UUNET.UU.NET by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu with SMTP (5.61+/1.4jsm) id AA27659; Fri, 21 Dec 90 11:04:50 -0500 Received: from cadence.com by uunet.UU.NET (5.61/1.14) with UUCP id AA21162; Fri, 21 Dec 90 11:04:45 -0500 Received: from gda by cadence.noble (5.61/3.14) id AA14831; Fri, 21 Dec 90 08:00:43 -0800 Received: from thanatos.gda by gda (3.2/GDA-90/10/18) id AA10447; Fri, 21 Dec 90 10:59:02 EST Received: by thanatos.gda (4.0/SMI-4.0-gda) id AA05957; Fri, 21 Dec 90 11:02:00 EST Date: Fri, 21 Dec 90 11:02:00 EST From: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227) Message-Id: <9012211602.AA05957@thanatos.gda> To: oracle-list@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Subject: Usenet Oracularities #246 Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 246 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #246 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 21 Dec 90 11:02:00 EST To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 246-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is a STOP sign octagonal? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Supplicant: } } A STOP sign is octagonal for the same reason that a byte has eight } bits. Von Neumann and Henry Ford were second cousins, and both came } from very large families. The number eight (as in eight to the 1/4th } power square (four sides) meals a day) had great significance to both } men. Both flirted with Buddhism, the Mystic Kabbalah, and politics. } Von Neumann was wise enough to restrict himself to computer architecure } and campus politics, but Ford went on to automation, automobiles, and } automatic writing. } } It is an obscure, but important detail that Ford's first design for the } Model A was dictated by the very same discorporate entity, Aiwass, who } gave Aleister Crowley "The Book of the Law". A definite step down, but } this was during the Depression, when work was hard to find. } } Hope this answers your question. } } You owe the Oracle eight emeralds, seven sapphires, six semi-precious } stones, five fig-newtons, four fudge bars, three trapese artists, two } contortionist courtesans and a partridge in a pear tree. --- 246-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, as the minds of mortal men are as open books to you, perhaps > you might read me a chapter or two from mine: > > For the past several weeks I have had a recurring dream in which I am > perched atop a Xerox machine as big as a house. Before me runs a > crystal clear brook, and on the far side of the brook is a beautiful > girl, sitting in an overstuffed chair, wearing a straitjacket and a > pair of Mickey Mouse ears with MY NAME stitched on them! She calls to > me in a clear, sweet voice, but she thinks I am a bird and I will fly > to her. Twice I tried to climb down off the Xerox machine, but both > times the ground was covered with aluminum cans and I had nowhere to > step. I think I am in love with her. What does this dream mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } CHAPTER 1: TRIAL BY XEROX } } As you look around on your lofty perch, you spot a series of buttons: } one red, one blue, and one green. } } If you press the red, go to chapter 2: } If you press the blue, go to chapter 3: } If you press the green, go to chapter 4: } If you don't press anything, go blow yourself off in a corner. } } CHAPTER 2: TRIAL BY ALUMINIUM } } The Xerox behemoth spews a multitude of papers in your face, and you } tumble onto the aluminum cans. Several of them are cut in half, and } the shards stab into your back....but this is not the worst of it! } Into your wounds spill the remains of some New Diet Caffeine-Free } Cherry Cola-flavored Sprite, which fumes on your wounds and begins to } eat away at your skin. The beautiful girl laughs hysterically, having } seen the funniest thing in her life. } } CHAPTER 3: TRIAL BY FLIGHT } } The cover of the Xerox machine springs open, sending you into the air, } with the promise of smashing your face in when you land. } } Do you : Attempt to fulfill your wishes and fly to her; go to } chapter 5: Refuse to take part of a dream where the girl } isn't easy to get; go to chapter 6: } } CHAPTER 4: TRIAL BY WATER } } The green button teleports you 3 feet underneath the crystal clear } brook. Even though you realize this as soon as it happens, your meager } brain just doesn't know how to adjust to such a circumstance, so you } drown as the girl stares at you in anticipation. } } CHAPTER 5: TRIAL BY AIR } } As you spread out your "wings," you realize how idiotic you must look, } and plummet to your death. } } CHAPTER 6: TRIAL BY SEX } } Excited by your grasp on reality, the girl shreds the straightjacket } with her hands, dives to save you, and brings you back to her chair, } where she proceeds to rip your pants off with her fingernails and } begins to devour your engorged phallus in a way that would make a } nymphomaniac timid. As you writhe from the ecstasy of the dream, you } wake to the nudging of your disgusted parents, and you realize that its } time you got yourself a life. } } You owe the Oracle a cold shower. --- 246-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My friend likes to drink Kool-Aid hot because more Kool-Aid mix will > dissolve into the mixture per volume water; hence, he gets a higher > Kool-Aid content. Oracle, is this healthy? Is it socially incorrect? > Can he still call it Kool-Aid? Do you in your transinfinite wisdom > reccomend it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please remain calm. As quickly and quietly as you possibly can, get as } far away from your Kool-Aid experimenting friend as you can get. } Disavow any knowledge of his actions. Swear you don't know him. You } may be subject to social prejudice, peer ridicule, security } investigations, or other heinous things if your association with this } person is ever discovered. } } Willfully increasing the concentration of Kool-Aid in water by } intentionally heating the water mixture is a growing problem in this } country today. And no, it is not socially acceptable, as the process } results in Uncool-Aid. This has been correlated with a high degree of } significance to the recent outbreak of Uncool-AIDS, an incurable } disease affecting an increasing number of Ivy League Preppies. } Uncool-AIDS gradually turns the skin permanently the color of the } ingested fluid, clogging the pores, suffocating the follicles, until } the skin simply peels away leaving an unsightly blob of colored gel. } Be forewarned that Uncool-AIDS can be spread by drinking from dirty } glasses, so be very careful of your hygenic practices around your } doomed friend. You should also hint that he should be tested for RIV } (Raspberry Infiltration Virus). } } If you are indeed interested in increasing the amount of flavor in your } Kool-Aid, the Oracle recommends you try adding alcohol to increase the } concentration of Kool-Aid. Better still, use unsweetened Kool-Aid, } straight dark rum, and a splash of Southern Comfort, also known as } Radical-Aid. Or forget the Kool-Aid altogether and make Jell-O with } vodka instead of water. Or better still, stick to real drinks, food, } and fun. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of Robert Mondavi Cabernet Reserve. --- 246-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > "Relax." The dwarf is still sittin' next to me. He'd cleaned > himself up pretty well. How long've I been out? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "'Bout twenty minutes," answered the dwarf with a lopsided grin. "Dat } goon musta hit ya pretty good, huh?" } } "Yeah, I guess." He sure musta. My head felt like ConEd had been } usin' it for jackhammer practice. I looked around the apartment. } "It's gone?" } } "Yeah." The dwarf shook his head sadly. "After all dat woik, we } make one mistake, and poof! All gone." I lit a cigarette, and took a } long drag, trying to bring my brain back into some sort of workin' } order. I hadn't seen the guy who'd hit me. I hadn't heard anyone. I } gave the dwarf a long, calculating stare. He started to fidget. "Uh, } doncha think we should go after 'im?" he stammered. } } "Yeah, I guess." The dwarf would have been more convincing if he } hadn't left the cosh on the table. I stood, and got my coat off the } chair. I always kept an extra gun in the pocket. It comes in handy } sometimes. I didn't find anything when I searched the dwarf's body, or } anywhere else. Whatever he'd done with the password lists, they weren't } in the room. Then I noticed the smell. A little ozone. Cheap } cologne. } } The Oracle. Of course. That damn' interferin' little twerp. He'd } got in my way too many times before, and I'd had enough. This time it } would be different. I knew just how to } } ... system message at 11:15 ... } } System going down immediately! Log off now!! } } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "The Maltese Falcon." --- 246-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello, Dr. Ruth. I just wanted to say that I love your show and think > you're doing a great service to mankind. My girlfriend and I listen to > it every night before, well, you know. Anyway, Dr. Ruth, I had a > question. Where, precisely, _is_ that dratted G spot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle has forwarded your question to Dr. Ruth. } } The Oracle has received this reply from Dr. Ruth: } "Shit, man. I dunno. I dont' write the stuff, I just read it on } camera. They didn't think it was right for my 14-year-old daughter to } read it, so they gave it to me. Personally, I think it's all kinda } queer, all that talkin about sex 'n stuff. I just like to Do It, } talkin about it all the time makes me sick. } I suggest you talk to my daughter. She's Comming Out witha book next } week. It's called, "How to find that G spot in less than 6 seconds." } It's got big easy to read print. --- 246-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why finals And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Finals are the mechanism that we higher life forms employ to keep inept } mortal-types (like you) from graduating from our institutions of } higher learning without discovering the uses of punctuation marks. (We } had tried firing squads, but it was pure hell on our enrollment.....) } } You owe the Oracle 10,000 hand-written repetions of: } } I will learn to use punctuation marks properly. } } By tomorrow morning. --- 246-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: eire@bogart.stanford.edu (L Cranor) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Okay, wiseguy... if you think you are so f**king smart, answer this > one: > > where the hell did I put my damn checkbook?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You didn't misplace your checkbook. It left on its own. } } In a highly secret project in the late 1970's, DoD funded intensive } investigation into the possible applications of artificial intelligence } to household economics. The primary installation was established in a } first floor lab at MIT. In one of those peculiar conincidences that } make life the fun place that it is, upstairs, in another high-security } lab, DoE biotechnologists were experimenting on induced mutation in } mollusks. } } You see where this is going? } } One frosty February night, a group of MIT's vaunted Hackers broke into } the upstairs lab, and knocked over a vial of pale green liquid } containing several mis-shapen lumps. The liquid quickly corroded a } hole in the floor, dropping the mutating bivalves into an open computer } on the floor below. The resulting explosion scared the hell out of the } Hackers, and wiped out most of the contents of both labs. Most of } them. } } The energy of the explosion catalyzed the mutations, which took some } rather bizarre turns as they encounted the hardware scattered about the } AI lab. In the morning, the scientists arriving to their former labs } were rather startled to discover that the floor was teeming with tiny, } animate checkbooks, scuttling about, reproducing, and accumulating } interest. The horrified staff quickly gathered up these by-products, } which were shipped off to central Alaska for careful study. A few } escaped, and hid themselves in nearby banks. From this base, they have } proliferated throughout North America (ref Federal Reserve Bank Report } #134-227.8/1990 "Unexplained Factors in the Savings and Loan } Collapse"). Experts estimate that as many as one in ten thousand } checkbooks in the United States is alive. } } This new species is higly intelligent, with advanced mathematical } talents, but few little social skills. They are easily upset. When } distressed, checkbooks will issue large drafts, randomly change their } balances, and in the worst cases, run away from home. } } In short: You have abused your checkbook, and it has left you for a } better home: My home, where it has a nice box to sleep in by the stove } and its own silver Cross pen. It is very happy, and it doesn't want to } come back to you. Do not try to recover it. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of your signature. --- 246-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why don't I get no mail? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, you poor lonely boy. Here, st your tired head on the Oracle's } chest...a bit bumpy, but they're NICE bumps, aren't they now...the } Oracle will kiss you and make you feel all better... } } --- 246-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle most wise and omnipotent (the girls have had a *lot* to say > about this "omnipotent" business, lemme tell you) > why is it that love does such strange and horrible things to people? > > it is such a common scenario for A to love B, but B really yearns for C > who is married to D who is cheating on C with E who is really not > interested because E is utterly enrapt with a totally preoccupied A. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Romantic love is a snare. It coists largely of sexual lust. Now } sex is a great sport, but it should not be used as the basis of a } relationship or marriage -- it's not strong enough for that, being a } mere fragile reed (like Donna Reed only more so). Anyhow, D seems to } be at the core of this whole problem. Eliminate D, and B will marry C, } A will stomp off in disgust and eventually marry E. (Hey, waitaminnit } -- suppose A is male, B is female, C is male, D is female, and E is } male. So E and A cannot get married, but they can get a nice little } apartment on Castro in San Francisco and share a king-sized waterbed.) --- 246-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, oh, most bodaceous one, > > Why are most teeth white? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whoa Dude! Like I don't beleive it, eh? Like not in a million } years! What a totally grooovey question! } } You're like on the waves, man. And you see this REALLY hot } babe lying on the beach, and you're like getting bodaceous good } vibrations, ok? So you like ride the surf back to the beach and you } walk up to her. You want her to get good vibrations too, right? So } you can't have bad breath, dude, that would be bogus. So to stop } yourself from having bad breath, you like brush your teeth all the } time, eh? Well when you brush your teeth, dude, you don't just like } get rid of bad breath, man. You like clean of all this stuff that was } on your teeth, see? Isn't that like soooo exxxxcelent? And like when } you have taken all that stuff of your teeth, what's underneath is like } white, eh. So that's like why most teeth are white, dude. } } What? You say "That's BO-GUS" do you? Like what did you want } to know, dude? Oh I get it. You like want to know why the stuff } that's underneath, the stuff that like underneath is white, right? } Well the reason is that you teeth are made of the same thing as you } bones, dude. And your bones are like white. And the bodaceous stuff } that they are like both made out of is called Calcium Hydroxide. Long } word, eh? Like that stuff is white, eh, so that's why your teeth are } like white. And that's also like why your bones are white. And ya } know why milk is white? Cause it's got Calcium in it too, dude. And if } you can remember (uugh) school, chalk is like white, because of } Calcium, too. Neat eh? } } Don't like ask me why like Calcium Hydroxide is white, man. Cause } like I didn't create the stuff. That was like God who did that. Let } me like get him on the phone, dude. } } Oh, Bogus! Like His line's busy, eh? Like I dunno why Calcium } Hydroxide is white, dude. I would have made it like pink or something } cause that would be like a totally awesome color. } } You owe the Oracle a Surfboard and some Exxxxxelent waves, dude.