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Date: Tue, 18 Dec 90 09:02:40 EST
From: jonmon@cadence.com (Jon Monsarrat x6227)
Message-Id: <9012181402.AA21126@thanatos.gda>
To: oracle-list@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #243
Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu

=== 244 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #243
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 18 Dec 90 09:02:40 EST

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
    200
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

--- 244-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> if i passed algebra but failed calculus, what does that say about me ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You do it discretely but not continuously.

--- 244-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> were pencils ever made from copper or tin instead of lead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ho hum.  Here, let me see.  I think I can manage a lookup for you,
} curious mortal.
}
} % lookup -topic pencil -origin -short -lang eng
}
} [ From "THE PENCIL CHRONICLES: The Private Log of a scientist"...
}   published XXXX.338S Kior, (c) 32j0000X0 Reference: YU32229VB-3SW ]
}
} ==Mon March 24==
} Took piece of charcoal from the lab furnace and drew picture of Mabel on
} piece of paper during lunch.  Found the lump to be somewhat crude.
} Found it difficult to draw her delicate nose.  If the instrument could
} be refined, I could truly draw a fine picture.
}
} ==Tue March 25==
} Trimmed charcoal down to thin cylinder.  Crumbled to dust as I grasped
} it in my hand.  Mabel's nose still looks like W.C.  Field's honker.
} Need to explore alternative, more reliable materials.  Will be taking
} Mabel out to the company picnic soon and would like to present her with
} my finished portrait.
}
} ==Wed March 26==
} Found some Uranium in the shielded safe.  Lathed it down to a thin
} cylinder.  This thing works great!  Spent the afternoon drawing Mabel
} and fixed her nose.  Drew in the rest of her body and long hair.  Need
} to look into mass marketing this thing.
}
} ==Thu March 27==
} My right hand has begun to mutate and it now strongly resembles a large
} toad.  All other work has grinded to a stop.  I am obsessed with
} perfecting this writing instrument.  Will try casing the cylinder with a
} protective shield that will protect my hand from the nasty discoloration
} caused by the element that is so hard to wash off even when using soap.
}
} ==Fri March 28==
} The wooden casing looks stunning in its bold yellow color and its
} natural wooden texture feels quite comfortable within my grip.  However
} my hand has continued to mutate along with a good portion of my lower
} arm.  Need conductive element to ward off the magnetization of the wood.
} Will try replacing the Uranium with copper.
}
} ==Sat March 29==
} Ripped out some thick copper wiring from the computer and replaced the
} Uranium.  To my horror, the copper instrument tore my portrait to
} shreds.  Spent rest of morning gluing it back together.  The copper has
} got to go.
}
} ==Mon March 31==
} The picnic was not good.  Mabel hated the portrait, and would not
} receive my advances.  She also passed on the three legged race.  What a
} bore she is.
}
} Tried to jump her on the coach ride home.  But she would have none of
} that.  I might be just too self conscious, but I think she noticed the
} change in my right arm.  Tried to get under her dress but she was quite
} adamant.
}
} Spent the rest of afternoon getting bullet removed from my thigh.
} Brought it back to the lab for analysis.  I have an idea.
}
} You owe the oracle a ball point pen.

--- 244-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: "LINDA CRANOR" <eire@bogart.stanford.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why does my belly button collect lint?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All the good hobbies were taken up by other body parts.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hobby for the tonsils.

--- 244-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has ponderedour question deeply.
Your question was:

> Morgen habech ein Deutsch pruefung.  Why am I not studying for it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Either you need to study, or you don't.
} If you don't, then there's nothing to worry about.
} If you do, then...
}    Either you can pass the test, or you can't.
}    If you can't, then there's no need to study.
}    If you can, then...
}       Either you want to pass, or you don't.
}       If you don't want to pass, then there's no problem.
}       If you do, then...
}          ...you would be studying.
}
}          You are not studying. Therefore:
}             There's no problem; or
}             There's no need to study; or
}             There's nothing to worry about. Or all three.
}
} So kein Problem, es macht nichts, hab kein Angst...

--- 244-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh wise orae, this week has been such hell.  And next week will only be
> worse.  Can you please tell me how to skip about a week or so ahead in
> time and just avoid this altogether?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alcohol abuse.  And to skip aboua week or so ahead will require
} some *serious* abuse.   This incarnation *hates* Scotch, so I suggest
} bourbon.  Purchase 7 gallons of bourbon.  Yes, that's *gallons*.
} Trust the Oracle to know what's good for you.  The Oracle likes
} Wild Turkey.   Buy a liter of Wild Turkey.  The rest should be
} whatever is on special.  Start making ice.  Get a glass, put in two
} ice cubes, and two fingers of Wild Turkey.  Sip it slowly.  Ahh,
} last week wasn't so bad, was it?  It'll seem better soom.  Two more
} ice bubes, and two fingers of Wild Tukey.  Drink it.  Ahh, last week
} is becoming more ditant all the tine.  Two more icubes, and two fingerws
} of Wils Turkey.   Slam it back.  Next week is going to be *just fine*.
} BNetter make somemore ice.  Never mind, jst take the bottle and slam
} back some more WildTurkeee.  oops, The Oracle can see that it should
} have told you to use plastic cubs instead of a glass.  Better not
} slip on that mess!  Never, mind, just take anther sip of that chaep
} rot gut.  Wehnever you wek up, check ot see if a weeek has gone by.
} if not, contineu to drink.  If so, take asprin.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lost weekend.

--- 244-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How long has the oracle been around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has been around just as long as The Oracle's been acube,
} atetrahedron, anoctahedron, adodecahedron, and anicosahedron.  The
} Oracle has not been ahypercube for nearly that long, though it does
} provide a unique point of view.  Ahypericosahedron is next.
}
} You owe The Oracle Acan Oftuna.

--- 244-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> A quote from the Exquirer, "Top Scientists Baffled!"
>
> Who are these "top scientists" and why are they talking to the tabloids?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I see that you have misread that article.  Many top universities have
} recently enacted a policy directing sound baffles to be placed around
} their top scientists solely to prevent them from talking to expert
} news sources like the Exquirer.  These baffled top scientists, freed
} from the pressure of interviews, increase their work output by up to
} nineteen percent.  The top scientists, when asked to comment on the
} situation, replied "Mmf grmph umble blum."

--- 244-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Just what *is* a Grape Nut, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The "official" answer is:  sorry, I can't tell you.  The Oracle
} signed a legal agreement with Ewell Gibbons never to reveal the true
} nature of the Grape Nut.
}
}       On the other hand, I'm the fucking ORACLE and I can tell anyone
} that I damn please.  Grape Nuts were invented by chance in 1926 when
} someone accidentally dropped rubber into an oven.  No wait, that's how
} vulcanized rubber was invented.  It's hard to keep the two straight.
}
}       Grape Nuts were discovered by Dr. Barbara "Tweezer" Vilefinger,
} the famous Egyptian archaeologist.  Upon opening a previously
} undiscovered tomb in the Sahara desert, Vilefinger and her team were
} surprised to discover some perfectly preserved Egyptian cereal ("The
} Breakfast of Pharaohs").  They brought it back to the United States with
} the intention of donating it to the Smithsonian Museum's new "Snacks of
} the Ancients" exhibit.
}       Unfortunately, due to a series of mishaps, the cereal slipped out
} of their possession and into the hands of Ewell Gibbons, a prominent
} Naturalist and general root-eating kind of guy.  Not knowing that the
} cereal was thousands of years old, he tried a spoonful and pronounced it
} "extremely vile, but probably good for you." Post soon became
} interested, and the rest is history.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a bowlfull of Quisp.

--- 244-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, what's going on here?  I just don't understand it.  Nothing
> makes any sense at all.  Everything is mixed-up.  I'm sooo confused.
> Please tell me why.
>
> My problem is that I can't just say things once.  I have to repeat
> myself all the time, but in different ways.  I don't say things just one
> time, but redundantly say it again.  I can't seem to come right out and
> say what I want to say then shut up.
>
> What can I do?  How can I stop doing this?  Tell me how to cease this.
> I need help.  Please assist me.  HHHHEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To your dilema, I only offer this:
}
} 1     Avoid Thesauruses.  Roget doesn't need any help, and you certainly
}       don't need any of his either.
}
} 2     Stay away from massively parallel computer systems.  Multi
}       processors will only aggreavate you and compound the problem.
}
} 3     Chop off an arm, a leg, an ear and anything else that you have two
}       of. Again, redundancy is bad for you.  Remove a lung while you're
}       at it.
}
} 4     Never go to the same place more than once.  This includes
}       restrooms, restaurants, beds, your workplace, etc.  Any repetition
}       may cause a recurrance.
}
} 5     Avoid books of synonyms, multiprocessor computers, redundant limbs
}       and bodily organs, and deja vu.
}
} Now I hope that this is the kind of information you needed.  It is the
} type of answer that you had asked for.  Advice to you such as this
} really is that which you had requested.  It's the Oracle's job to answer
} your inquiries with the proper solutions.
}
} Hope this helps.
}
} You owe the Oracle the installation of several redundant backup systems.

--- 244-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is it that libraries never carry Abbie Hoffman's "Steal This
> Book"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Indeed, mortal, libraries used to carry this book.  Of course it would
} be stolen regularly, but there was usually a special budget line for
} replacing it.
}
} Until the University of California at Berkeley had a bad experience.
} "Steal This Book" was cataloged under call number HX 844 .H56.  Well,
} it seems that a dyslexic kleptomaniac with short-term memory
} dysfunction had discovered the book on the shelves, and immediately
} proceeded to rip it off.  Because of his dyslexia, however, he seized
} upon the book just to the left of it on the shelf.  And because of his
} short-term memory dysfunction, he returned every ten minutes or to
} steal the book again.
}
} This went on for several days before the library staff noticed anything;
} by then, all of the books down to "GV" had been stolen.
}
} The left-handed dyslexic short-term-memory-dysfunctional kleptomaniac
} was apprehended.  Unfortunately, shortly thereafter a right-handed
} dyslexic short-term-memory-dysfunctional kleptomaniac came upon the
} book.  This time Berkeley lost everything through "JN."
}
} Embarrassed, the Library Administration tried to cover up the losses,
} but once word got around, libraries all over the country began putting
} "Steal This Book" in their locked cabinets.
}
} You owe the oracle one Eugene McCarthy for President flower power
} sticker.