From kinzler Fri Nov 30 22:12:04 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 30 Nov 90 22:08:18 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #237 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 237 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #237 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 30 Nov 90 22:08:18 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 232 15 votes 05442 14523 13443 12624 11841 34341 34323 13524 22542 15603 232 3.1 mean 3.2 3.1 3.3 3.4 3.2 2.7 2.9 3.3 3.1 2.9 --- 237-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that all of the hair on your body, (including eyebrows and > eyelashes), except the hair on your head, grows to a certain length and > then stops? Who determines how long your eyelashes grow before they > stop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, finally an intelligent question. I wonder why there has been } such a shortage. Perhaps the ablest of mortal wisdom seekers } have been repulsed by the number of foolish answers that have } come from certain incarnations of the Usenet Oracle; or perhaps } they have gone on to other tasks that do not require the wit } and wisdom the Oracle can provide. Whatever, it is certainly } gratifying to receive such a well-posed question, with no spelling } errors and only the most minor of grammatical flaws (that first } comma isn't really needed). And not only that, but it's a question } that I'm sure has occurred to many of the readers of the Oracularities, } and is thus of singular worthiness. I'm sure (I'm the Oracle, } after all) that I speak for the entire Usenet community in saying } "thank you; at last, a question worthy of the Oracle." } } Anyway, to answer your question, I don't know. } } You owe the Oracle a lock of your hair, from a site of your choice. --- 237-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I did some shrooms last night and ended up giving a speech to a huddled > mass, and now I have a group of guys following me around asking me for > more! It's almost as if they WORSHIP me or something? What am I to do? > > Signed, Jesus H. Christ. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, Jesus! Boy, are you lucky you met me!! } } What you need is a manager. An agent. Oracle at your service. } } Okay. First we got yer basic royalties. Over just the last few } centuries, we've had up to a billion people a year buying Jesus } paintings, Jesus crosses, using your name in publicity and writings, on } television. And of course your mother left you all of her royalties in } her will. It's a multi-trillion dollar industry! Religion is a risky } but high-profit investment. Is it true you started out without almost } NOTHING to accomplish this empire? I make almost no money myself, but } hey, I'm still trying. } } Then we got yer public appearances. You've got to do Jeopardy and Wheel } of Fortune, and the Johnny Carson show. We'll skip Oprah unless she } starts crying - I know how you have a weakness for crying women. } } Finally, I've been trying to get into the miracles business for } centuries. Predicting the future is about as far as I get. We don't } want multiplying loaves of bread, but how about cleaning all the junk } out of our rivers and streams? How about bringing all the extinct } species back to life and curing all diseases? We'll have a Red Light } Special sale on forgiving all sins - can you imagine how much someone } would pay for a Key to the City of Heaven? } } Of course, we're going to have a few Public Relations problems in the } form of billions of requests for reincarnation, and we really can't } feed all those people with the current world crops. And of course } there'll be that nuclear holocaust when various unnamed non-Christian } religions get real cranky. Plus there'll be an internal holy war when } you are forced to choose between Catholicism and Protestantism. And of } course since you providing everything is simpler than producing it } ourselves, we'll all become feeble sheep lying around watching TV all } day and praying for extra Cheese Whiz. Hmm. } } Tell you what. How about postponing that second coming another couple of } millenia? Whaddya say? That's a sport. } } You owe the Oracle a shirt with "Christ died for your sins and all I got } was this bloody T-shirt". --- 237-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle most Oracular, > It seems the quality of questions being posed to you has > gone down quite precipitously. Can you tell me why that > might be? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like the proverbial cooks, the quality of questions is an inverse } function of the number of persons involved. When only a few people ask } questions to the Oracle, the quality of questions is very high. } However, when many more people contribute, the quality, like the broth, } decreases. } } The Oracle therefore suggests that no one send questions to the Oracle } so that the quality of questions will be infinitely great. } } You owe the Oracle a slide rule and a bowl of minestrone soup. --- 237-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Rice a Roni is yummy. > Milli Vanilli is silly. > Is anything alive anymore? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now listen up cos' I'm saying Yo, } This is the rap of the Oracle bro! } I'm here to tell ya who's still alive } And that for one ain't the Jackson Five } } I guess you thought that Bobby was dead } At least he was in some dumb broad's head } With Dallas pushing season fortyfive } That sucker Bobby he is still alive } } Did Elvis die in '77 } And did he really go to rock'n'roll heaven? } No, there ain't nuttin' that doctors can't fix } He's still alive and playing hot licks } } And Keith, my man, in the Rollin' Stones } He's a living wreck, just skin and bones } But don't you worry, now don't you fear } He changes his blood on a clinic each year } } I guess by now my friend you see } Cohen, Beatle, Rolling Stone or BeeGee } They're here to stay, they're here to thrive } Aah Aah Aah Aah Staying alive! } } You owe the Oracle a Papa Dee CD. --- 237-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh shit, when I wrote the universe, I didn't find a bug in the microcode > of physics, and now, no one can break the speed of light. Should I fix > the bug and just recompile the universe? > Love, God. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Err, You're asking my advice, Sir? Surely You already know .. } } HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT I KNOW?! ANSWER MY QUESTION! } } Well, alright, I guess if You feel my opinion would be useful I .. } } DID I SAY THAT?? DON'T PUT WORDS INTO *MY* MOUTH OR I MIGHT PLANT AN } OAK TREE IN YOURS. NOW GIVE ME AN ANSWER, PRONTO. } } Well I think the Universe has developed pretty well so far, so if I were } You I'd just leave .. } } IF YOU WERE ME??!? WATCH YOUR SACRILIGIOUS MOUTH, YOU FOOL! SO YOU'RE } TELLING ME I SHOULD LEAVE CREATION FAULTY, IS THAT IT? } } Err, yes Your Magnificence, I guess I, well no, I mean it's not a very } big flaw .. } } YOU WANT ME TO TOLERATE A MAR ON THE PERFECTION OF MY HANDIWORK, IS THAT } RIGHT, OH FOOLISH ORACLE?? } } Well, when You put it that way Sir, I guess you should recompile the .. } } SO NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME TO JUST THROW AWAY 10 BILLION YEARS OF EFFORT. } JUST CHUCK IT ALL OUT, IS THAT RIGHT? HMMM? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE } TELLING ME YOU INCOMPARABLE IDIOT? } } Look Sir, I don't really know .. } } WELL *THAT'S* ABUNDUNTLY CLEAR! AND TELL ME, WHAT GOOD IS AN ORACLE } THAT DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING, HMM?? } } **** Z A R K ***** } } HEH, HEH. NOTHING LIKE PICKING ON AN UNDERLING TO CHEER UP A DAY. WHAT } ARE ALL YOU PEOPLE STARING AT? OFF WITH YOU BEFORE TRANSFORM YOUR } DAUGHTERS INTO PIA ZADORA CLONES! } } --- 237-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-knowing gang-bang-pathing router of universal knowledge, I > beseech of thee... > Did Milli Vanilli really give George Bush the "Read My Lips" idea? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you know, Milli is the President's dog and advises him on all matters } of National importance. In this case the "Read My Lips" idea was } designed to actually let Milli do the President's talking for him. } Unfortunately, new to the English language, many of Milli's utterances } were subtley misunderstood. Thus, "no new ticks and fleas" became "no } new taxes please" and "dead quail" became "Dan Quayle." While it is } scary that a house pet is influencing affairs of state, we can be glad } that Milli is not nearly as error-prone as Nixon's dog Checkers; who } started the whole Watergate mess with a comment about tapeworms. } } You owe the Oracle a Harts 2 in 1 collar and a dreadlock wig. --- 237-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Zeno's Paradox ? > If you don't know don't answer at all! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Zeno's paradox is best illustrated as follows: I'll give you half of } the answer to your question -- } } > Zeno was a famous Greek philosopher who attempted to prove that motion } > does not exist. The most famous of his paradoxes goes like this: } > suppose we want to move from point A to point B. We do so by moving } > to a point halfway between A and B, then to another p } } Then half of the remaining answer to your question -- } } > oint halfway between there and B, and to another point halfway between } > there and B, and so on and so on. As you can see, since t } } And half of the next part -- } } > here is always some distance left between the point we're at and } } And the next part -- } } > point B, we never get to point } } And the next -- } } > B. Hence, motio } } And the next -- } } > n is imp } } And so on -- } } > ossi } } And so on -- } } > bl } } And so on -- } } > e } } See, you *still* have no idea what I'm talking about, right? } } QED. --- 237-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear powerful and compassionate oracle, > > I am but a lowly temporary employee with no status in my workplace. > In the office nextdoor is a senior staff person who is singing "Gloria > in excelsis Deo" and "Deck the halls" just loud enough to drive me > batty through our thin walls. He's been doing it since I came in this > morning, and he was going almost all day yesterday. How can I get him > to shut up while not losing my job? > > I will do almost anything for your answer. Please, in your kindness, > help me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah yes, singing bright, cheerful holiday songs. Those wonderful, quaint } things that liven our days and remind us of all the glorious things that } the holidays mean. } } The last entity that tried that around the Oracular workstation was } reduced to a sub-atomic particle in Rosanne Barr's left cheek. } } Trust me, I can sympathize with your problem. } } The answer? Rather simple...fight back! If you can get away with } playing music of your own, bring in "Punk Rock Christmas" or "Have a } Smurfish Holiday" or "Chipmunks do Chaunakah." Something like that. Use } repeated applications. } } Plan 'B' : tape-record the offender and let *EVERYONE* hear *just* how } off-key he is. (This won't work for anyone who actually can *use* their } voice) } } Plan 'C' : join in. Loudly. In a different octave if you can manage } it. This becomes even more effective (and safer for you) if you can } find more malcontents in the office to help. } } Plan 'D' : forge a memo from someone MORE senior who doesn't bother } with such trivial things as looking at bulletin boards, and post it. } Complain of "unruly disturbances" in the workplace. Bah humbug. } } You owe the Oracle a pair of earmuffs. --- 237-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it just me or does Ed McMahon resemble a clydesdale horse? I > wouldn't want publishers clearinghouse sweepstakes check given to me by > a farm animal. > Why can't they substitute a celbrity that resembles a bengal tiger? > That would be much more exciting. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is pleased to reassure you that it isn't just you. It } isn't even a coincidence. Ed McMahon was in fact chosen *because } of* his resemblance to a clydesdale horse. Ed McMahon read for } the publishers' clearinghouse part against several other } celebrities, including one who resembled a Bengal tiger, one } resembling a black widow spider, one resembling a domestic cat, } and one resembling a pile of pig dung. Extensive market } research studies showed that consumers found the Bengal tiger } celebrity too exciting, the black widow spider too frightening, } the domestic cat too independent, and the pile of pig dung too } smelly. On the other hand, they were reassured and at ease } around the dull but comforting clydesdale horse, Ed McMahon. } } It's really too bad that you wouldn't be able to bring yourself } to accept a check from a farm animal, though. I'll let them know } to go immediately to the runner-up this time. } } Amazing coincidence, you writing just now! } } You owe the Oracle a lovely free gift with her paid } subscription. --- 237-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Christopher Pettus The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and truly c00l oracle. > > What shall I do? I THINKD I'm turning into a BiffClone. > All the TYMe II TIPE S0METHYNG it sounds like BIFF > > BIFFZ A REEL C00L D00D AND AWL, BUT IT"Z DRYYVIN MY FRENDS CRAZY. > PLEEZ HELP ME MR. 0RACUL. I THINKZ THAT IT W00D BE B0GUZ TO TAK LIKE > DIS FOEREVEHR. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Standard Earthquake and Transmogrification Safety Guideline, Rev. 3 } ------------------------------------------------------------------- } } 1) Don't Panic. } } 2) Ignore crackpot quake predictions and surfboards. } } 3) If you feel the onset of a tremor or a capital B, hide under the } nearest table. } } 4) If books start falling off the walls or you feel the urge to say } C00L, break one eyeglass lens, jump out from under the table and } start waving a sliderule at the earth. This will usually fend off the } evil spirits. } } 5) If the building starts to fall rattle or you hear yourself say BOGUZ, } enrole immediately in Accounting 304: "How to make money off natural } disasters in major metropolitan areas." This is your best bet. } } 6) Panic.