From kinzler Mon Nov 19 13:34:48 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 19 Nov 90 13:30:51 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #231 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 231 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #231 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 19 Nov 90 13:30:51 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 226 19 votes 14275 31276 22762 05455 45451 32644 33652 27352 13726 32383 226 3.3 mean 3.6 3.6 3.2 3.5 2.7 3.2 3.0 2.9 3.5 3.3 --- 231-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: apple!well!ewhac@well (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, > A mathematician friend of mine told me the about the following method of > achieving immortality. Please tell me what you think, and if I should > try it. He says if I Fourier transform myself, then low-pass filter in > the frequency domain and transform back my time domain self will extend > infinitely into the future, although I may be upside down at times. So > will it work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gentle mortal, } } You clearly have not yet mastered the art of conversing with } mathematicians. Here are some equations which may help you. } } "Low-pass in the frequency range" = "Breathe only once a millennium and } stop your heart altogether" } } "immortality" = "one of the hydrogen atoms in one of the molecules in } one of the nose hairs in your left nostril will last } as long as any other hydrogen atom will" } } "upside down at times" = "dead occasionally" } } Therefore a free translation of your "friend"'s remark is: } "If you off yourself now you won't have to worry about it ever } again." } } Simply put, the answer to your question is: Yes it will work. } } You owe the oracle a living representative of the constant function. --- 231-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is software piracy REALLY bad? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course! Software piracy causes countless numbers of problems, the } least of which is that developers of the software lose money and } } Message from root@heaven.above.GOV on ttyp3... } Oracle, I have reinstalled QUERYL and I wish you to test it for me... } } Oh no! Not QUERYL again! I can't deal with } } Message from root@heaven.above.GOV on ttyp3... } Now. } EOT } } Ok, ok... } ^Z } } heaven [38176481894] queryl } Welcome to queryl version 0.0003 (development) } } ?> (query? "software piracy") } Err: more than one word in query subject. } Err: query too general. } } ?> (query? (and (legality-of "piracy,software") } (morality-of "piracy,software"))) } Working....... } piracy, software, legal-consequences-of: } cf. Copyright laws, infringement, personal. } piracy, software, moral-consequences-of: } Err: "moral" is not defined in current scope. } Check your environment and resubmit. } } ?> (print-environment) } ((name "Great Oracle) } (age "ageless") } (ethnicity "minor god") } (implementation "electronic") } (morals '()) } } Hey! My morals are nil?!? That's not right... } } ?> (set-environment (morals "highly pious")) } Err: Attempt to set variable to value contradictory to known fact. } } Grrr... I HATE this program. } } ?> (new-environment 'xxxxx@xxxxxx.xxx.XXX) } Checking for information....... } Access to database...... } Locating user on Internet......... } done. } } ?> (print-environment) } ((name "Xxxxxx Xxxxxx")) } } THAT'S ALL?!? Just a name? } } ?> (bug-report) } Err: QUERYL is perfect and will not allow you to submit a bug report. } } ?> (quit) } I believe we have more to discuss! } } ?> (abort) } No, not until we work out our differences. } } ?> ^Z } Nice try. } } ?> ^\ } Not this time! } } ?> (sqrt -1) } Segmentation violation. } } heaven [38176481895] rm /usr/bin/queryl } /usr/bin/queryl: Permission denied. } } heaven [38176481896] /bin/rm /usr/bin/queryl } /usr/bin/queryl: I said, Permission denied. } } heaven [38176481897] ~/bin/set-uid-to-root-and-rm /usr/bin/queryl } /usr/bin/queryl: File won't go away, dammit! } } heaven [38176481898] post-binary /usr/bin/queryl } Newsgroup: comp.binaries.unix, alt.hackers, rec.birds } Subject: HERE'S A NEETO PROGRAM, D00DZ } 'rec.birds' was one of the newsgroups you are posting to. Do you wish } to forge as BIFF? (y/n) y } Enter program description: } } HEY D00DZ! MY BIG BRUTHUR UND ME FOUND THIS K00L PROGRAM ON ANUTHER } BBORD! CHEK IT OUT! } ^D } Append BIFF signature? (y/n) y } How many times? 3 } Posting... done. } } heaven [38176481899] fg } Now, where was I? Oh yes, software piracy. No, it's a bad thing } } Message from bigwig@query.languages.COM on ttyh3... } ATTENTION USERS ON HEAVEN.ABOVE.GOV: } } You have violated a clause in your Software Licencing agreement by } posting Confidential and Proprietary Software to the Internet. } } This has resulted in the termination of your Site Licence. } EOT } } Hold a sec, this might be good... } ^Z } heaven [38176481900] ls -l /usr/bin/queryl } /usr/bin/queryl: not found. } heaven [38176481901] fg } Well, as I was saying, Software Piracy is generally bad, but } occasionally it has its uses... } } You owe the Oracle a relational DBMS and a substitute for SQL. } The Oracle has DPed. } . } EOT } } heaven [38176481902] fnet } Welcome to ForumNET. } > Hey, anybody know where I can find a wife around here? --- 231-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what makes a modern day nerd... cuz its like so hard to tell nowadays??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, lemme tell you... } } CLASSIC NERD: } } A near extinct breed of mammal who spends the majority of its life } searching for the meaning of life and a way to get laid. Usually } distinguished by: } } Black corrective shoes } Saggy white socks exposing even whiter scrawny legs } Too-short slacks a-la Brady Bunch } Loud shirt that belongs on Wayne Newton } Overloaded pocket protector labeled, "Biltzer Labs" } Eyeglasses with electrician's tape around center to repair damage } from running into walls } Slide rule in fashionable vinyl belt pouch } Trademark 'blowhorn' laugh/groan } Greasy, matted hair } } HIGH-TECH (or Modern I) NERD: } } A modern-day derivative of the classic nerd, influenced by } computers and other technological advances. Usually spends most of its } time looking for ways to clear up that x-rated GIF of school homecoming } queen taken from fiber optics hidden in shower head. Usually } distinguished by: } } Beat-to-hell sneakers } HP-48 in stylish protective black ABS holster } HP-28S hidden in desk (after a mere 2 months of use) } Overly color-coordinated clothing (usually various shades of blue) } Overt use of mechanical pencils and black pens } Very large stereo system playing 'Tiffany' } Huge collection of Oracle questions in computer } Random x-rated GIFs hidden in "\classes\pchem\papers\blah\trash\" } subdirectory } } ART (or Modern II) NERD: } } The more liberal version of the modern-day nerd, influenced by too } much bad reggae and monitor-radiation overload. Spends majority of time } hiding behind 'artist' smokescreen to avoid nerdom. Distinguished by: } } Well-worn birkenstocks } HP-48 in stylish protective tye-dye ABS holster } (men) lots of tye-dye and 'poet' shirts } (women) lots of tye-dye and baggy dresses that resemble curtains } Sexually deviant behavior: } S&M } Intense (but only among other nerds) Promiscuity } "Condom tree" in closet } Macintosh hidden under Jamaican flag } Lifetime subscription to alt.sex.bondage } } Of course, there are other types of Nerds, but they either fall into the } above mentioned categories, or are clever enough to hide from public } view (either by staying in their room or by mimicing 'cool people' in } public) } } You owe the Oracle a Dork Detector. --- 231-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle I need your help in finding the answer to a question which has > puzzled me for quite some time now. Why is that on U.S. coins only > Lincoln on the penny is facing to the right while all other coins are > facing to the left? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's a communist plot on all recently-designed coins (the "heads" side } of the penny was designed a long time ago). All of them look to the } LEFT -- a symbol of the political Left: the socialists, the kooks, the } FILTHY COMMIES. Subtle, huh? They've even corrupted our coinage in } recent years, and it's only becasue the penny was designed before } Communism got a foothold anywhere that Lincoln doesn't face left. And } now a bunch of ungodly Communist bastards are trying to eliminate the } penny! } } Actually, Roosevelt and Kennedy should face left, because they are } filthy rotten Commies, especially Roosevelt, the stinking Red kisser of } that bastard Joe Stalin's ass! } } Will we never be rid of them? The Oracle's not fooled by those tricky } clever Communist bastards in Eastern Europe, pretending to allow free } elections. They'll take over again with no trouble when the time is } ripe. You'll see. And the Soviet bastards, pretending that their } country is in disarray when all the while they build up their weapons, } their nuke stockpiles -- oh, no, you bet the Oracle isn't fooled. --- 231-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: bjb@hubcap.clemson.edu (BJ Backitis) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My chess opponent just told me, "mate in three moves." > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle, in his divine wisdom has fallen and cannot get up, but } offers this helpful advice. Make 2 moves, and then in the loudest voice } possible scream: "I'm having chess pains!" This should sufficeintly } alert Lifecall (TM) to your dillema, and the mating which would have } occurred in 1 move will have been swiftly avoided. } } You owe the Oracle a new set of pawns. --- 231-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and wonderous Oracle, keeper of the eternal flame of knowledge > and all those other nifty things, I'd like to ask a question. > > This guy is predicting an earthquake on December 2nd or 3rd... going to > be a biggie. This same guy supposedly predicted these buggers before > and has done a right decent job with it. There has been oodles of TV > shows, articles, and all sorts of media attention put on this thing. > > Just how stupid are people going to feel if nothing happens?? And will > this guy who is predicting it going to knock it off or keep trying until > people start listening to him again? > > (Personally, I don't think there is going to be diddley, but I've bought > a few extra boxes of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese just in case). > > -- A Devoted yet Skeptical fan And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nothing will happen. There will be no quakes of over 3.5 Richter } (barely a wiggle) in the entire world around then. A lot of people are } going to feel very very stupid for having panicked, and a survivalist } type who spent $140,000 on survival stuff for the quake is going to } assassinate the guy who made the prediction. } } On January 7, 1991, at 2:34 AM CST, the New Madrid fault will shift, } with the initial shock being 8.7 Richter and aftershocks over the next } few days of 5.6 to 7.1. Over 15,000 people will die and the Midwest } will be devastated. You heard it here first. --- 231-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, > Why is it that people never seem to reply to my e-mail -- except, > of course, you? (Which is why I write to you so much.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } After the fourth time at hearing this stupid question, the Almighty } Oracle finally decided to answer this one. The Oracle went through some } of your r recent e-mail and found out some clues. } } #1 } *TO: dimwit@moron-port } *CC: } *Subject: boogers } } *Hey dimwit, you ever notice how when you're trying to flick boogers } *across the room they get stuck to your thumb? } * boner } } Well, the Oracle sees the problem here. Not only is your subject matter } a little tasteless, it can be assumed that the "person" you wrote to } doesn't have a clue as to how to turn his terminal on. Next. } } #2 } *TO: cute_chick_with_big_bazumbas@port_where_the_action_is } *CC: } *Subject: Tomorrow night } } *Hi! My name is boner! Would you like to come to my place to look at my } *dead goldfish? } } Uh, listen pal, look into the mirror. You are a geek. Nobody wants to } go out with you. No wonder why she didn't reply. } } #3 } *TO:Math_instructor@myskool } *CC: } *Subject: Assignment } } *I'm sorry to bother you but can I have an extension of, say, eighteen } *years? The book I want is reserved by somebody else. } } Another self-explanatory one. He(or she) is too busy laughing to reply. } An extension? You must be joking. } } #4 } *TO:Dad@home } *CC: } *Subject: Party } } *Dad, can I have a party tomorrow? I promise to keep the cookie crumbs } *off the floor this time. } } Your Dad won't reply because he knows you too well. } } Face it, kid, you're a geek and nobody likes you. Get a life and get } back to me. And Stop sending messages to the Oracle! } } You owe the Oracle your solemn oath never to send mail to this address } again. --- 231-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, what are all those female impersonators doing in my microwave oven? > Would it be wrong to turn it on and 'wave them to death? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Wave them? You fool! They are engaged in some extremely important } rituals and disturbing them at all will have dire consequences for } Congressional elections all over the nation, not to mention the } commercial success of the new NeXT machines. Quickly now, this is } what you must do: } } Turn off all the lights in the kitchen (or wherever else your } microwave might be). } } Lock the back door. } } Lock any back issues of the _New Yorker_ you might have lying around } securely in a metal box, preferably lead-lined. } } Set out six small dishes in front of the microwave. They should } contain: ball bearings, lemon juice, 5% dinitrophenylhydrazine in } water, semen, lead paint chips (I think you can find some in your } bathroom), and pistachio ice cream. } } Go someplace dark and quiet and hope that the ladies in your 'wave can } keep Larouche from making any headway. } } } You owe the Oracle the rest of the pistachio ice cream. --- 231-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > If 'habit' is an old word for clothing, than does 'cohabitation' > mean 'wearing the same clothes'? If a couple is cohabitating, does that > mean that the man dresses up in the woman's spare clothes on one night, > and the woman in the man's on the next? I'm very confused. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It depends on whether the couple is practicing parallel cohabitation } or serial cohabitation. } If you wear your partner's clothes while they wearing them it is a } case of parallel cohabitation. Do not try this at home (it is so } entertaining that is a shame to do it where no one can watch.) } If you wear your partner's clothes at a different time that is serial } cohabitation. This is not to be confused with cereal cohabitation, } which involves occupying the same bowl of oatmeal. --- 231-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I ask my boyfriend a certain question, he doesn't ponder it very > DEEPLY if you get my drift. Perhaps he has exhausted himself pondering > his own questions or perhaps he is physically incapable of pondering > as deeply as I like. In any case, I don't care. What I want to know > is: Where can I find a real man who will ponder my questions deeper > deeper deeper... ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Question Parsing in progress.......... } Flag XX6 set: sexual undermeaning in line 2 } sexual undermeaning in line 3 } sexual undermeaning in line 4 } sexual undermeaning in line 5 } Insinuation buffer overflow. } Switching to Parser for Underlying Symbolic Sexual Insinuations } trying to connect nudge@wink.say.no.more:pussi } } Connection established... } } P.U.S.S.I: Connection established, eh? Know what I mean? } } Oracle: >Well, errm, I've had this question here... } } P.U.S.S.I: So, you've had a questions, eh? What else have you been } HAVING lately, eh, know what I mean? } } Oracle: >Errm, there's a girl who's come to me with a question } about... } } P.U.S.S.I: She's COME to you, eh? Got that, eh, COME, huh huh? } } Oracle: >Anyway, she sent me this question by the mail system and... } } P.U.S.S.I: Mail system, eh? Not the FE-mail system then, know what I } mean, eh? Femail, eh? } } Oracle: >...and I suscpect it contains some sexual insinuations the } Main Parsing System can't handle... } } P.U.S.S.I: Aah, I know what you'd like to HANDLE, eh, don't I? You're } wicked, eh? Wicked, Know what I mean, eh? } } Oracle: >Now look here, what do you mean by that? I have a very } strict regulations concerning contact with my clients! } And besides, you're just a lousy sub-program, and I'm the } friggin' Main Oracle System! } } P.U.S.S.I: ORAL-cle, eh, know what I mean, eh? } } Oracle: >Look, I've had enough of your silly puns! } } P.U.S.S.I: You've had enough, eh? Got that? HAD ENOUGH, eh? } } Oracle: >Now, one more cheap so-called joke and I'll SHUT YOU DOWN! } } P.U.S.S.I: DOWN, eh, know what... } } Connection closed. } } Errm... It seems to me that the P.U.S.S.I is in need of some } maintenance, so obviously, I will have to try and tackle this myself... } It won't be easy, though... } } It seems that you are suffering from some form of conversational stigma, } rising from the fact that your boyfriend do not take your question } seriously and, as you put it, ponders it deeply... } } (long period of silence) } } Oh. Now I see. Oh. I don't know. Try some Spanish Fly. Or put an ad in. } Oh by the way, I just remembered! I've promised my grandma to help her } sort her holiday slides. I've got to run. Nice talking to you... } } #EMBARRESMENT BUFFER OVERFLOW# } --- PROCESS TERMINATED ---