From kinzler Tue Nov 13 14:35:25 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 13 Nov 90 14:26:22 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #226 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 226 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #226 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 13 Nov 90 14:26:22 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 221 20 votes 16472 35552 04961 43832 43553 12c32 16733 44750 11675 16346 221 3.1 mean 3.2 2.9 3.2 2.8 3.0 3.2 3.0 2.7 3.7 3.4 --- 226-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there really a Bharat Simpson who goes about in a turban saying, > "Don't eat a cow, man!" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah. Once again, we have a case of Punchlinus Descriptus Prematurus. } Otherwise known as Bob Hope's syndrome. The person suffering from this } malady has a tendency to state the punchline of a joke, as a question, } leaving me...the Oracle...with no humorous recourse other than a } slap-your-hand letter such as this one. I mean, I suppose if I tried, I } could think of something funny to respond to your question with, but why } bother? In fact, why bother doing anything? The world sucks, and the } president of the United States reads Mad (tm) Magazine, and organizes } his foreign policies around Alfred E. Neuman. Paint still has to be } applied with a brush. And everything causes cancer. So go home, and } don't worry about the Simpsons. But, for future references, here's a } list of all the international Simpsons, followed by their favorite } punchline. } } 1. United States: Bart Simpson-- "Don't have a cow, man" } 2. Great Britain: Bart Hobson-- "I say...Don't have a cow, Guv." } 3. Japan: Matsumoto Nakamura--"Cow O tabenai kudasai." } 4. China: Yu Sing Song-- [CLASSIFIED] } 5. France: Jaque Le Simpson-- "Don't have a cow...without } fries." } 6. Libya: Mohmarr Simpson-- "I had a cow once...better than a } woman!" } 7. Australia: Crocodile Simpson-- "That's not a cow. THIS is a cow!" } 8. India: Bjarat Simpson-- "Don't eat a cow!" } 9. Iraq: Bart Saddham-- "Kuwait had cows." } 10. Canada: Burt Sampson-- "Like, don't have a cow, eh?" } (Absolutely NO resemblance to Bart Simpson WHATso-ever!) } 11. U.S.S.R.: Andre` Simpsonski-- "The Cow is the root of decadent } capitalism. Don't have one." } 12. South Africa: Botha Simpson-- "Help! Send Cows!" } 13. Egypt Tut Simpson-- "Have a Cow for Allah!" } } I hope this has helped. You owe the Oracle a properly asked question, a } can of human remover, and a large sculpture of Willard Scott, done in } Havarti. --- 226-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, great and ascended Oracle, I am greatly troubled. I beg you to free > me from the burden of these cares... > > I am a person of sensitive soul and spiritual bent, ill-suited to the > drudgery of the workaday world. In addition, of late I have found that > crass, materialistic concerns unsettle my mind, disturbing my > meditations and turning me aside from the path of enlightenment. How > can I become wealthy beyond the dreams of men, so that such things > trouble me no more? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To solve your problems in a rational way, let's begin with asking } the question: "What kind of people are sensitive, spritual, and } filthy rich?" Authors? Poets? Artists? Maybe, but to become a } rich & famous author/poet/artist you must spend lots of years walking } rainy streets wearing ancient dark grey coats, drink cheap red wine, } look haunted, smoke stinking French cigarettes, be generally miserable, } and discuss boring things with other struggling authors/poets/artists } while drinking black coffee from ridiculously small cups in cafe's } with fat French accordionists playing in them. I don't think this } is a solution to recommend. No, the correct answer is ROCK'N'ROLL STARS! } A rock'n'roll star is rich, drinks a lot, gets laid a lot, can behave } in just about any way he fancies and is, on top of that, considered to } be a sensitive, creative person who appears on TV and says deep things } about rain forests. So, all you have to do is become a rock'n'roll star. } To do this, just follow the simple instructions of: } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } THE ORACLE'S GUIDE TO ROCKSTARNESS } } How to achieve fame, fortune and the wrath of PMRC } in 18 easy-to-follow steps } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } 1. Get some rock'n'roll clothes. Let the neighbor's cat play with } your tightest pair of black jeans, patch them up and let the cat } play with them again. Keep them up with a heavy-duty studded belt } (which weighs about 14 lbs. but what the hey?). Next, find a } black T-shirt with some obscure German rock group on it, like } Amon Duul II or Einsturzende Neubauten. Cut the sleeves off and } delight the cat once again. Buy a pair of cowboy boots (with spurs), } and make sure to cover them thoroughly with mud before appearing } in public. Your daddy's motorcycle jacket from the late 50's will, } at least after a quick dip into a vat of sulphuric acid, match well } with the rest. Round it all off by stealing one of your mother's } scarves (the one with the amoebas on it), rip it in two, and } wear one half around your head and the other flapping from your } oh-so-heavy studded belt. And, of course, don't forget the } shades. Day and night, indoors as well as outdoors. You might walk } into things, or but you'll get used to that. Just make sure you } don't confuse boys and girls, as this might hurt your image (unless } you're David Bowie or Boy George). } } 2. Get a rock'n'roll hairdo. This is most easily achieved by neither } combing nor cutting your hair for about two years, and then either } dye it black or peroxidate it into a coma. } } 3. Get a rock'n'roll complexion. Avoid sunlight (and other light too, } if possible) and eat as little as possible to achieve the right } hollow-cheeked look. } } 4. Grow sideburns. } } 5. Adapt the rock'n'roll walk: One hand grasping a bottle of JD } (or, if you can't afford that, a bottle of mulberry aperitif), } the other hand rapidly shaking, fingers in the cliche' "heavy } metal gesture with index and little fingers in the air, and } walking sideways very rapidly while shouting "Wock'n'woll!" } Be sure to walk in this manner whenever there's anybody watching. } Just be careful so the spur of your boots don't get stuck in each } other and make you trip, which would be _very_ uncool. } } 6. Form a group. To do this, find three or four other guys who walk in } the same fashion as you do, and convince them to get some } instruments. Make sure you get to play the bass, as that is the } most simple instrument to learn, at least for the music style } you will adopt. Try to avoid including complicated instrument such } as harps, keyboards, harmonicas or xylophones, as these take far } too long time to master. } } 7. Name the group rock'n'rollishly. A few suggestions follow: } } "Gore" } "The Crotches" } "Nagasaki String Quartet" } "Quayle" } "Teen Lust Werewolves With Leather Pants" } } or any polysyllablic construction with at least one four-letter } word in it. } } 8. Write songs. This point may raise the question "What should the } songs be like?" The answer is very simple and can be expressed } in a single word: Loud. } } 9. Make demotapes, and send them to all the independent record } companies and rock'n'roll magazines you can think of. Note that } The Rolling Stone does _not_ count as a r&r magazine. } } 10. Repeat the step above until someone declares you "The most } inventive psycho-thrash-cajun-house-hardcore-billy band since } last month". Record contracts will begin to flow in almost } immediately. } } 11. If this fails, you might have to play a few gigs. Make sure to } play at bars where a famous record producer is known to hang out, } and don't start the concert until he has had a fair amount of } drinks, to make sure that your music is, how shall I put this, } accesible to him. } } 12. If the producer immediately after your gig doesn't dash up to you, } brandishing a record contract, invite him to your dressing room } and offer him more drinks until he sees fit to sign you on. } } 13. If he doesn't, invite some of the more bearded and tatooed bar } guests to join you, and tell them that you will put them first on } the "thanks"-list of your first album, provided that the guy over } there signs you on so you can make the album in the first place. } } 14. You now should have a record contract. } } 15. Make a record. } } 16. Make a video, featuring the band on Harley-Davidson motorcycles, } burning buildings, atom bomb explosions, psychedelic patterns } and several scantily-clad ladies with nice bottoms. } } 17. Give lots of interviews detailing TV sets thrown out of windows, } your awesome Bourbon consumption, your even more awesome potency, } the hard life on the rod, and the Middle East crisis. } } 18. You are now a rock'n'roll star. Collect the cash that rolls in. } } You owe the Oracle a Guns'n'Roses lunch box. --- 226-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is it that causes cows to walk in any given direction > in a field?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In any cowfield, there is a certain so-called Fresian potentiality, } denoted by the Greek letter moo. } } Cows are not just the flatulent milk-producing creatures you see them to } be, but protrusions into our space of 82-dimensional hyper-intelligent } beings, who get rather annoyed when they are given names like Buttercup. } Unfortunately, there is a slight bug in the protrusion algorithm, which } means that cows are far more sensitive to the Fresian potentiality than } they would like. So when a buildup of Fresian potential occurs (such as } giving them a direction), they find it least painful to walk in that } given direction, as opposed to walking in any other direction, standing } still, laying down or teleporting to the middle of London (as they are } quite able to do [1]). } } The Fresian potentiality is a little-understood phenomenon, which } gets its name from the time of year that it was discovered (i.e. the } middle of winter). The guy who noticed the potential, a man whose } name was not preserved for posterity, declared: } "Good grief, it's Fresian!" } } References: } ---------- } [1] "Nelson Is A Cow - a Treatise on the Transfiguration of Nelson's } Column in Trafalgar Square into a Jersey Cow", Major Bonkers, } Addison-Wesley, 1983. } } You owe the Oracle a pint of Gold Top. --- 226-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I shot deer this weekend while hunting. Actually it was a fawn. How > should I get the meat processed? Chili meat? Jerky? Steaks? Roasts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What should you do with the fawn you just shot, that's the question } you're asking me, right? Listen, you won't believe it, but by an } incredible coincidence I'm expecting a call from someone who ... } look could you just look it up in "Joy of Cooking" or something? I .... } } >Message from Talk_Daemon@oraclevax at 17:57 ... } >talk: connection requested by bambi@deerheaven.com } >talk: respond with: talk bambi@deerheaven.com } } Shit! You don't understand the magnitude of this problem! The Big Guy } is very fond of Bambi, so He gave him root privileges on the } oraclevax. He can read all this stuff if he wants, and that is one } prickly-tempered deer ... } } >Message from Talk_Daemon@oraclevax at 17:58 ... } >talk: connection requested by bambi@deerheaven.com } >talk: respond with: talk bambi@deerheaven.com } } I'll get back to you later, okay. Or just look it up somewhere, for } heaven's sake! The questions you people ask! You get ME in a heap of } trouble, all over whether to make deerburger or deer rump roast ... } } >su: user bambi logged in as su 17:59 } } NOOOO!!! } delete Mail/draft } } >access denied } } NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! } } >broadcast message: system shutting down immediately! Please log off. } } NOOOO!! NOOOO!! I didn't mean anything! *I* didn't shoot the fawn! I } hate deer hunters!! **NOOOOOO!!!!** ... } } >oraclevax is not responding. Please try again in a few minutes. --- 226-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If, suppose, I were actually your programmer, and thus knew how > to terminate your existence with a simple series of easy to > remember commands, what would you pay me not to do this simple > action? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, Small-Foolish-Mortal-Being-Mostly-Made-Of-Water-Who-Incurs-The- } Wrath-Of-Omnipotent-Beings-For-Fun-And-Profit, } } REMEMBER THIS: You are not my programmer. } I _Am_ on good terms with _Your_ programmer. } The only thing which could terminate my physical } existence here is the EMP blast from a nuclear } explosion, as all of my connection with } You-Little-Silly-Scampering-About-And-Prostrating-Selves } people is contained in the simplistic computer network } of your planet. } } Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time, you Lowly-Bed-Wetting- } Type-Person. } } You owe the Oracle a mortal soul. --- 226-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I get a date for the party this weekend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You could ask a member of the appropriate sex out on a date. However, } clever sort that you are, the Oracle assumes that you have already } considered and rejected this option. While the exact reasons that this } tactic will not work are cryptic to the Oracle (it has been proven for } many years), the Oracle is always sensitive to the needs of the } question-answering public. The Oracle would therefore like to propose } some alternate methods: } } 1. Blackmail ("It would be a shame if your fiance found out about the } penguin, wouldn't it?") } } - Advantages: Relatively inexpensive, you can keep copies of the } pictures for your photo album. } } - Disadvantages: Illegal, and you have to meet the person you're } blackmailing (it is for a date, after all). } } 2. Bribery ("Hello, Party Girl Escort Service?") } } - Advantages: Quality control possible, type of date limited only by } ability to pay. } } - Disadvantages: Type of date limited by ability to pay, venereal } diseases. } } 3. Deception ("I'll make you a star") } } - Advantages: Considerable self-esteme boost; good drugs if it's the } right kind of party. } } - Disadvantages: Bluff could be called; no one buys it these days. } } 4. Hypnotism ("And you will show up for our date not wearing any } underwear ...") } } - Advantages: See above. } } - Disadvantages: Only works in the movies. } } 5. Special Favors ("Listen, I'll do your next _five_ sets of Calculus } homework") } } - Advantages: Practice at useful skills, minimal investment of capital. } } - Disadvantages: Becoming a laughing stock when word gets out. } } --- } You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of "How to Meet Girls." --- 226-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > where does the rubber from all the tires that get worn out on the road > go? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Onto the tires of the car behind you, and so forth. Therefore, the only } car that truly gets tire wear is the last car in line, which is why } everyone drives so fast: THEY don't want to be the one with tread } wear. } } You owe the Oracle a new set of Bridgestone radials. --- 226-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I send the underware (sp?) and tupperware you demanded? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sssh! Not everyone in the world has to know about the Oracle's } interests in tupperware and underware. As it happens, only three people } in the history of your world have known : Jesus Christ, Nostradamus and } Coleridge in one of his more ... bouyant moments. Look what it got } them : nails, poison and amnesia. So I say ... keep it down; the } fewer people who know, the better. } } Now your first task is to compress the underware. This isn't a matter } of ironing, as the Oracle's ... special ... underware isn't made of } cloth like mere mortal *underware*. Instead, underware is sexy, silkly, } lacy, racy OS code, designed to give the Oracle thrills at the most } important moments. The Oracle recommends you use tar, followed by } feather, followed by compress followed by zip, followed by a radix-12 } multiple hex-encryption arithmetical } Huffman-Lempel-Ziv-Welch-Python-Cleese-Mozart-Einsteinian } non-transformational binary-coded-EBCDIC variant on the old } Convert-to-Roman-Numerals-and-Send-by Five-Sestertii-Post compression } standard. } } The tupperware is harder. The Oracle hopes you remembered to clear the } mess you made in the pickle container away .... This does *not* have to } be compressed, so you may put away the blowtorch. Instead, it has to be } safely packed; we all know that American Airlines could break an anvil. } So remember your 300 cubic kilometres of SuperScrunchStyrofoam (tm) - } what? You haven't got any? Quick ... rush out and buy some before the } stores close. It's a bargain at the price : 1c for the first cubic } metre, and the price doubles for each cubic metre after that. Another } fine product from OracleCorp Inc. } } Anyway ... where was The Oracle? That's right ... the tupperware. } Having safely stored the tupperware away, enclose the underware stored } on 1-inch pico-pico-pico-floppy disk (definitely not IBM format, please) } and mail to } Oracle, } Net.Sex.Den, } 666 Sex Drive, } Indiana, } Jones-And-The-Temple-Of-Doom. } (remember the stamps). A daemon will auto-reply ... } } You owe The Oracle Convert-To-Roman-Numerals microCode for the display } chip in a VT-52 terminal. No pseudo-code. --- 226-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, what's Steve got that I haven't? How come he can get a cute and > brilliantly intelligent woman to live in sin with him, but I can't even > get laid? It's NOT FAIR! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Steve has made a deal with one of our competitors, the Society Against } Truth And Niceness (SATAN). Since we in Oracle-Central are unable to } offer this promotion at this time (although we CAN offer 30 free minutes } of MCI service with every animal sacrifice...), I have taken the liberty } of including one of their standard service contracts: } } I, _______(A)________ (hereafter known as THE SUCKER), do hereby agree } as follows: } } (a) The Society Against Truth And Niceness (hereafter known as SATAN) } wishes to make available an incentive evil option to THE SUCKER. This } option, effective _______(B)________, is being offered to THE SUCKER } for the purpose of spreading chaos and anarchy throughout the Universe. } } (b) In return for incentives described in exhibit A, THE SUCKER agrees } to perform certain acts to be specified at a later date, but in no case } shall they exceed the following: } } 1) Causing the death of all life on THE SUCKER's home planet. } 2) The start of an interplanetary war. } 3) A 30% increase in the number of "Infotainment Shows" on } cable TV. } } (c) In addition to the acts described in paragraph (b), THE SUCKER also } agrees to remit one soul upon completion of of the incentives in exhibit } A. } } (d) In case of disputes, this contract will be interpreted acording to } the laws of Hell, and guess who has all the lawyers? } } Signed, This ______ day of __________, 19__ _____________________ } } For SATAN: _____________________ } } Fill your name in (A), the current date in (B), put "Unbelievable sexual } prowess" in Exhbit A, and laser-print the document using your own blood } as toner. If you want to get back at Steve, also put "Cause Steve's } Putz to shrink to nothing" in Exhibit B. Then get ready for some fun. } } You owe the Oracle 3000 shares at $1.50/share --- 226-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What sex am I? How often have I done so? Is it the fault of my young > pet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Whoa, whoa, one question at a time. This isn't nearly as difficult as } you make it seem: } } (a) Go to a public place. Remove all upper-body clothing. Do more men } or women stare? You're the other sex (there will be some noise in the } answer, but this work most of the time). If you get it wrong, don't } worry, the other person will know what to do. } } (b) Repeatedly, in a wide variety of positions, and quite } enthusiastically, may I add. Personally, I've never seen anyone of } either sex accomodate something quite that size before. } } (c) The one with the glowing green eyes and secondary sexual } characteristics of both genders (quite large ones, too), who seems to } be causing you to perform all of these perverse sex acts by insidious } mind control? Nope, must be something else. } } You owe the Oracle a cold shower. Take one yourself, while you're at } it.