From kinzler Fri Nov 9 10:41:32 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 9 Nov 90 10:32:49 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #222 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 222 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #222 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 9 Nov 90 10:32:49 -0500 %%% Usenet Oracularities now appear in the newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. %%% They will be cross-posted to rec.humor until this new group is well %%% established. Encourage your news administrator to carry %%% alt.humor.oracle! Those of you on the distribution list who can and %%% would rather read the Oracularities in alt.humor.oracle can send mail %%% to oracle-request at iuvax to be taken off the list. Feel free to use %%% alt.humor.oracle for public discussion and questions about the Oracle, %%% too. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 217 23 votes 54851 26843 17843 56642 33a61 04685 55a30 38651 54842 15953 217 2.9 mean 2.7 3.0 3.0 2.7 3.0 3.6 2.5 2.7 2.7 3.2 --- 222-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wisest and most virile of Oracles...do those penile implants > used to remedy impotence *really* work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As you pointed out, I'm an entity of awesome virility, and I will of } course dig deep into the abundance of experience I've gathered over the } years at wild parties and in the back of limousines, in order to give } you an answer that will satisfy you. } } The implants work, and very well at that, and more on that subject will } follow, but first I would like to discuss how to avoid getting in a } situation where you need them. } } Ok then, so why does a man need an implant? } } Basically there are two reasons : } } * You haven't done your daily 'genital-push-ups', and you consequently } are out of training. } * Your imagination isn't dirty enough! } } If you're out of training, everything's OK, a little training and you're } fine. } } Otherwise there are two possibilities: } } * You're religious. } * You've never experienced anything dirty to fantasize about. } } If you're religious you don't bother anyway, otherwise there are two } possibilities: } } * You're 10 years old. } * You're shy. } } If you're 10 years old you shouldn't worry, your time will come son, } otherwise I will give you some examples on how to overcome your shyness. } } * I know of people, friends of mine as a matter of fact, who have } overcome their shyness by exhibitionism! Do *It* in a public place, } e.g. a restaurant, a public library, your driveway etc. (PLEASE NOTE: } Policestations are TOO public!) } } * Play any 2-Live-Crew album to your grandma. } } * Get a role-model, e.g. Larry Hagman, Sylvester Stallone, Roseanne } Barr. These are people who have overcome their shyness, and they now } enrichen the world with their talent. } } These tips should make the implants redundant, but we will now discuss } different types of implants. } } * String-implants } The name doesn't, as it implies, mean that you look like a hunk of a } man in a G-string, it refers to the way the implant operates. } } * Magnetic-implants } This actually requires an operation on both of you, but it has been } known to raise the attraction in a relationship. } } * Silicon-implants } These are fully operational at a 24-hour basis, and I'm afraid that } you will have to buy the new Jockey 'SteelCrotch'tm line of underwear } in the future. } } You owe the oracle a vasectomy. --- 222-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ga loves me. what should i do ?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have been consulted before about this "ga" | "GA" person. It seems } that this person has a problem. Are you the right person to solve this } problem? I suggest you do one or more of the following: } } - Take him out somewhere, preferably somewhere that serves diesel } instead of alcohol. Buy him a drink. Buy yourself a drink. Repeat } whenever your glass or his glass is empty. This is the Oracle's } formula for "getting smashed." Your human metabolism is not really } designed for such liquids as diesel, concorde fuel, hydrazine, } gasoline/petrol, kerosene or McDonald's thickshakes. You will both } wake up with one hell of a hangover, and you will both be convinced } that going out with the other is not such a good idea. It is } necessary to buy nasty drinks for yourself even if you already know } this, as substituting mild drinks like mineral water and orange juice } do not always have the desired effect. } } - Buy two dozen fresh oysters. Eat twelve, and make him eat twelve. } Proceed to make wild passionate love to him for the next fifteen } hours. He could merely be one of the breed of guys known as "horny, } desperate and a virgin." This will fix the last part. If his } virginity is making him desperate, it will reduce or eliminate the } second condition as well. That only leaves the first. This is easily } fixed. Give him herpes. } } - Shave your head. } } - Do something so pointlessly awful to him that it will put him off you } for life. } } - Get to know him. Beneath the probably unattractive exterior is likely } to be a really nice person who just wants to be loved like anyone } else. Take him out and buy him a drink. Unlike the first option, it } must NOT contain any diesel, but may contain alcohol. Chat him up. } Find out what he likes to do in his spare time. (If at this stage he } says something like "I like to beat up old grannies for their money" } "I hang around primary schools giving boiled lollies to little girls" } "I like inventing new sports, and I want to try out my latest } invention with you: it's tandem bungie jumping abseiling } rock-climbing" "Belch fart buurp belch belch fart" "I vandalise the } public transport system" "I like to pick fluff out of my navel and } squeeze my pimples at the bathroom mirror" "What's spare time?" "I } plant noxious weeds in national parks" "There's nothing like driving } over speed humps at two hundred to get the adrenaline flowing" or } anything similar, stop at this point, and try one of the other } options.) Find out more about him. After a while, it will become } easier to tell what sort of a person he is. He might turn out to have } a resemblance to a kiwi-fruit: all furry and rough on the outside, } green on the inside with small black seeds. No, like a kiwi-fruit in } that he's nasty on the outside, but nice on the inside. Or maybe not. } But how would you know unless you tried? } } - Shave his head. } } - Take him to the local red-light district. } } You can use your imagination; you are not restricted to these choices. } Or you could do nothing. He might then get attracted to the next } vaguely blond, vaguely beautiful vaguely female person that walks past, } and it would not be your problem any more. } } You owe the Oracle six D-size batteries, a piece of dental floss, six } pieces of wire, some plastic explosive, a digital watch and a shoebox. } } -- Oracle.oz --- 222-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could someone please tell me what the capital city of Zimbaboue is > please? > What is Zimbaboue's main export? > What is the country's population? > Where is Zimbaboue? > What airlines fly there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle, now having been converted to existentialism, refuses } to believe that Zimbaboue exists whatsoever. Neither do you, as a } matter of fact, but that is beside the point, for who else can the } oracle talk to? } From here, all questions are simple to answer: } Zimbaboue's primary export is Statistics, the main reason being } that Statistics reflect no part of reality whatsoever. On average, } Zimbaboue exports 69877433 tons of Statistics a year, 35% of which are } based on a grain of truth, the rest of which are the product of the } extremely twisted imaginations of the inhabitants of Zimbaboue. } Of course, this leads one to the conclusion that the population of } Zimbaboue is 12.5% Accountants, 34% Mathematicians, 6% Philosophers, and } 27.98% Bureaucrats. Exactly 33% realize that Zimbaboue does not exist } whatsoever, + or - 56%. } Zimbaboue is located nowhere at all. } Of course, this means that all airlines must fly to Zimbaboue, for } this is the center of all lost luggage. However, you shall never be } able to book tickets on a flight to Zimbaboue, for Zimbaboue does not } exist. } } You owe the Oracle 97.8% of the 1990 Almanac. --- 222-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, > An answer be my wish. > Are all fishermen liars, > Or do all liars fish? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer, O simple mortal, } I believe, goes as such: } A fisherman is a liar } Who goes outdoors too much. } } You owe the Oracle your dragonfly lure... --- 222-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does my toast always fall jam side down! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, you're using Mobius bread. } } The Oracle requests a kleinbottle opener as payment. --- 222-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Accuracy Test > -------------------- > > Time: TEN minutes for examination > > Answer: FOUR Questions only > Question 1 is COMPULSORY > > Questions carry the number of marks indicated. Pentagram graph paper > provided (see attached). Astrology texts, the Prophesies of Nostradamus > and one hand-operated Ouiji board permitted. > > Question 1 > ---------- > How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man? > (0 marks) > > Question 2 > ---------- > Prove the existence of the Oracle. Give three examples. > (3 marks) > > Question 3 > ---------- > Why is there no Question 4 ? > (-3 marks) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE ACCURACY OF THE ORACLE???? Your very SOUL } will BURN IN HELL for EVEN SUGGESTING that my accuracy is subject to } question!!!!!! } } My very VOICE sounds in CHORDS when I SPEAK! My EXCRETIONS are } WORSHIPED from NEAR AND FAR! QUESTION ME NOT, O MORTAL WHO IS FULL OF } HIMSELF! } } You owe the Oracle an apology. --- 222-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh wise oracle why is it that capital letters were invented? > Do they ever serve a real purpose, except in the case of telling the > difference between polish and polish? (The thing you do to shoes vs. > the nationality) > Did people once talk in capital letters, and did they sound different? > > -just wondering..... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } well mr. wondering, capital letters were invented so that the almighty, } wise, benevolent, and downright awesome oracle could make dramatic } looking proclamations like: } } IBM'S SUCK } } or } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE A BOOK OF E.E. CUMMINGS POETRY --- 222-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why the hell does a recruiter REALLY want to know where I "see myself" > five years from now?! Do I look like a fortune-teller?! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle understands your confusion. Recruiters, like most who work } for major corporations, no longer speak English (if, in fact, they ever } did). This is made more confusing by the fact that regional dialects } are common, and therefore exact translations difficult. } } The Oracle, in its infinite wisdom and generosity, would like to supply } a quick guide to possible translations: } } "You won't be needing a raise for five years, will you?" } } "You won't mind if you work on the same project for five years, will } you?" } } "You won't leave the company before working for us on the same project, } with no raise, for five years, will you?" } } "You won't want my job before I leave for another company in five } years, will you?" } } Answer carefully. The Oracle suggests, "In five years, I see my } startup acquiring your pathetic little company for 10 cents on the } dollar, you drone." } } You owe the Oracle twelve thousand stock options. --- 222-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do alarm clock radios have a 'Timed radio' feature without another > volume control. > > Fx: Going to bed, turn radio on...QUICKLY TURN THE DAMNNED VOLUME > DOWN...set the timer on......fall assleeeZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.......alarm > goes off in the morning, _softly_......2 hours later, alarm turns > off....1 hour later, I get out of bed, look at the alarm > SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT ::xF > > Does the oracle have a dual volume alarm clock? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The esteemed Oracle has pondered your question but, oh, } damn, where is my coffee? But since you must ask, and the } omniscient Oracle must answer, then answer I shall. } } Verily, verily I say unto you, doest thou lookest a gift horse in the } mouth? } } Did you think for one minute that when you plopped down good money for } that clock radio that you were *paying* for an *alarm clock* itself? } Why no, most of the purchase price is paid out in royalties to Feeney L. } Barbitol, the inventor of the "sleep" feature of said rude awakening } device. Notice that it does not say "snooze" like the fat little abused } button on top that you pummel unabashedly every morning for that } precious five more minutes of not facing your hangover and/or your } dragon-breath spouse. No, it does not say "snooze" it clearly says } "sleep", and it is should be obvious to even a lemming-brain such as } yourself. Even still, it should be abundantly clear that any volume } level which you can sleep through will not wake you up. However, when } you realize the error of your ways and shout your expletives, this is a } delightful excuse for being late. "Gee, boss, I must have turned the } clock radio down too low when I used the sleep button last night." } } But seriousness aside, you can set your alarm to "alarm" rather than } "radio" as that damned chirping bastard is totally unaffected by the } volume control. } } Or, you could follow the Oracle's example of using your clock radio only } for the "sleep" feature and totally ignore the alarm. Instead, take a } timer switch, set it for when you want to get up, and plug your stereo } into it, preferably with a Harmon-Kardon or Crown amplifier. Cue an } albumn copy of "Dark Side of the Moon" up on the beginning of "Time" -- } yeah, the one with the clocks -- and crank that baby up to at least 100 } decibels. Guaranteed to wake you up in the morning (along with anyone } in gunshot range). } } You owe the Oracle three dozen Halcyons and a hearing aid for my } neighbor. --- 222-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are we here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations! You are the one hundred millionth mortal to pose this } exact question to the Oracle. Ordinarily, the Oracle would not } condescend to answer such a question more than one and a half million } times, but because of the special circumstances (your having turned the } Oracle-o-meter over to zero again), here is an answer. } } The Ten Top reasons why you are here: } } 10. Just lucky, I guess. } 9. Because your moms and dads were at that party, lo these many years } ago. } 8. Actually, you are not here, you are 2.5 cm to the right. } 7. To help others, and pay a mortgage, and raise 3.2 children. } 6. Because it would be too expensive to ship you somewhere else. } 5. To ask pointless questions of the Oracle. } 4. Because you sinned in a prior lifetime, and got demoted from snail. } 3. Someone forgot to leave a forwarding address. } 2. Yes, why indeed? Hurry, hurry, you are going to be late! } 1. Because you paid someone else to serve in the Iraqi Army in your } place. } } You owe the Oracle a map with "You Are Here" printed on it.