From kinzler Tue Nov 6 12:27:05 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 6 Nov 90 12:18:12 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #219 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 219 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #219 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 6 Nov 90 12:18:12 -0500 %%% Usenet Oracularities now appear in the newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. %%% They will be cross-posted to rec.humor until this new group is well %%% established. Encourage your news administrator to carry %%% alt.humor.oracle! Those of you on the distribution list who can and %%% would rather read the Oracularities in alt.humor.oracle can send mail %%% to oracle-request at iuvax to be taken off the list. Feel free to use %%% alt.humor.oracle for public discussion and questions about the Oracle, %%% too. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 214 14 votes 35330 03632 16331 13343 23441 23162 11453 33332 21812 02822 214 3.1 mean 2.4 3.3 2.8 3.4 2.9 3.2 3.6 2.9 3.0 3.3 --- 219-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle: > > } you owe the Oracle an operating system that makes coffee in the > } morning. > > This sounds like RSX-11/M, which has code in the sysgen to determine > whether to make Tea or Coffee. Will that do? I have an RL02K-DC right > here. I've never been able to enable that option myself, but perhaps > you'll have better luck. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LUCK? You're talkin' to the Oracle, bud. } Luck is for people who can't handle FATE. } } But that's besides the point. } } Of course I am familiar with the RSX-11/M. That system was, in fact, } developed right here at OracSoft by our proto-oracular programmers. } However, the bugs were just too numerous to put it out on the market. } For example, the front-end natural language analysis package never was } up to specs so rather than being able to ask for "hot Earl Grey tea" } like any normal hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional being would, one had } to use reverse-polish english and ask for "tea, Earl Grey, hot". } Similary, try to remember to ask for "coffee, strong, columbian, } Foldger's, hot, black" early in the morning. } } Then, of course, the connotative translation expert system didn't have } the depth needed. More often than not the system would produce a poor } fellow named T. Earl Grey in a condition that was less than appetizing. } } That's why the option cannot be enabled by mere mortals. Just think } what might happen if they asked for some "hot Sleeptytime" or "jugs o' } Java". } } So for those reasons, the RL02K-DC was never publicly distributed. In } fact, no one confined to 4-dimensional space-time should even know if } its existence... I don't know how you got your hands on one. } } Well, well, well. Looks like you finally blew your cover. } } If you had been reading alt.conspiracy (rather than posting to } alt.tasteless and downloading those, shall we say, unusual files from } alt.sex.pictures) you might have seen this coming. But then, being the } Oracle, I knew you wouldn't. All we needed was one careless slip. } That's why I made that seemingly innocent request to your previous } question. Well, I'm sure it's all painfully obvious to you now. You } might as well come along and make it all easier on all of us. You won't } be enabling anything for a long time, kiddo. Now, logout, grab your } Pepsi and Cheetos, go over to the door and let us in so we don't have to } make a scene... } } } The Oracle owes you the right to remain silent. But it won't matter } anyway. I *am* the Oracle after all. --- 219-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are men and women topologically equivalent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Satyrs and geometers have pondered this question for centuries, dear } quester. } } Topology ("Geometry on Rubber Sheets") defines the topological } equivalence of two bodies such that sufficient stetching and twisting } and contorting of one can change it into the other. } } The amazing fact is that men and women in fact ARE topologically } equivalent! } } Martini Gardenier, famed french transsexual, and noted topology and } bottomology expert, proposes the following bold proof by experiment is } his _Priapistic_American_ column, *Pathological Dames*: } } A model on rubber is very difficult to transform because the } rubber has to be stretched so radically. But it is easily } done with a model on cloth. Fold a square piece of cloth } in half around a female model and sew opposite ends together } to make a tube. Now fold the cloth the other way and sew } the opposite ends together to make a whorus. For ease in } transforming, make sure the "hole" is vertical at the } outer layer of cloth. } } Changing the sex of the model via the slotted hole is easy. } After the reversal, the whorus has the same shape as before, } except now the "slot" has become a "protrusion" and has } turned from "vertical" to "horizontal". } } It is not easy to visualize exactly how the whorus is } distorted during the transformation process. A series } of drawings, showing all stages of the reversal, can be } found in "Topology, Geometry, Rubber Sheets, and You", } by Alberta Tuckin and Hisbert Baley in _Priapistic_American_, } January, 1950. } } There are many other whorus paradoxes. For example, if a } whorus without a hole is linked to a whorus with a hole, } can the one with the hole "swallow" the other whorus so } that it is completely inside? The answer is yes, and you } will see how it is done if you consult my _P._A._ columns } of December 1972 (on knotted whoruses and tied tubes). } } THE ORACLE HAS SPOKEN.........NEXT! --- 219-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please, oh saucy and juicy one, tell me how to stop the Persian > Gulf crisis in less than three hours, with a hammer, a dead cat, and a > bowl of week old butter. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tough. But it is possible. } } 1) First, you have to scare the Iraqis. Take the hammer, the dead cat, } and bowl with you into Kuwait City. Smear some of the butter on the } cat, save the rest. At each spot, put a little butter on the ground } and hide, with the cat out in the open. When a soldier comes by, } pound the cat a little with the hammer to make it look semi-alive, } but _don't be seen_. } } (I told you it was tough.) } } 2) The Iraqi soldier wil start at the sight of the moving dead cat, and } a 'mystical force' (the butter on the ground) will cause him to slip } and fall. At this point, push the cat a little as if advancing on } him. He should gather himself together and run off. } } 3) After several hundred applications of this technique, the Iraqis } will believe that Kuwait City is haunted by the living dead cats. } They will grow frightened and pull out, disobeying the commands of } their leaders. } } 4) Without Kuwait City being a problem anymore, the Persain Gulf crisis } will ease off, the Kuwaitis can return, the Lama can return to } Tibet, and the DoD can cry because they didn't get to kill anyone. } } 5) Note: If you fail in Step 3 to frighten the Iraqis sufficiently, } forget the cat. Forget the rancid butter. Take the hammer and } devise guerilla tactics. Unfortunately, this method will take } longer than three hours, and cannot be favorably considered. } } You owe the Oracle 5 minutes of world peace. --- 219-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the origin of the expression "It's on the tip of my tongue"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Um ... um .... hang on a minute, I'll get it ... Shit, I can almost } remember. What does it sound like? No wait, it'll only take a minute, } just let me get my head together.... just hang on a second.... this is } so frustrating .... --- 219-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Great Squid The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where's my gerbil? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Which gerbil? The small, brownish one with the nick in the left } ear and three slightly damp pumpkin seeds in its right cheek } pouch and strap marks beneath its forelegs from the parachute you } strapped it into? After the unexpected updraft caught it and } carried it away, saving it from certain death on the crowded } expressway you thought it was headed for, it flew through an open } window and into a world beyond its most feverish imaginings, } where it is now a partner in an exclusive brokerage firm, } outperforming several of its more senior colleagues and making } rafts of money for all of its clients, although you shouldn't } expect it to be too courteous towards your portfolio when it } discovers it's carrying it. --- 219-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does existence really precede essence, or is it the other way around? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The imitation scents smell just the same as the name brands to me. --- 219-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: elr%trintex@uunet.UU.NET (Unix Guru-in-Training) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dee^H^Har Great && Nughty Ori^H^U^[Bacle.. [dammm^H^[Dit] ^[Hell! > Wha > t t^Hermiii^H^H^[C^[Dnal type should I o^Huse..?? > > Frustrated^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^HBored. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear frustated, } The Oracle has pondered your question for many seconds, } and has written a quick program that even now as you read this } message is wormholing its way into your terminal and rebinding } every key to backspace. Your problem is solved. } } You owe the Oracle a sincere thank you. } :) --- 219-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do the citizens of the US > 1. Drive on the wrong side of the road. > 2. spell colour wrong. > 3. put the date in silly formats. > 4. Normally wear silly hats. > 5. like silly people, ie Bush ..... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O, but woe is for humanity if they keep this culturocentric attitude! } It will be their doom. } } Nevertheless, I will deign to answer your petty questions while } overlooking how very much relatively based they are. Mind you, you're } getting five at a time here so the cost will be high. Expect it. } } 1) Americans tend to (not always, mind you --- they have their own } share of incompetent drivers or those who can see when it is safe not } to obey the law) drive toward the right hand side of the road because } of a little known accident involving Henry Ford. When most of the } original automobiles in the states still had steering wheels in the } center, he had an unfortunate run in with a large rock which ended up } rupturing the front right tyre of Henry's vehicle. Undaunted, but } most importantly needing to get home because if he was late for dinner } again his wife would have killed him, he hung off far to the left side } of his car. As he had to pass various ice lorries and other } obstructions he discovered how much easier it was to see around other } objects now that he was to one side. When he made new cars they } followed the same pattern he experienced that fateful day and } naturally America's two lane highways evolved into the keep right / } pass left system. Explaining why the British chose the other side of } the road, it was because of their natural knee jerk reaction to } anything the Americans do. They of course had to switch it the other } way around. Sort of like UK domain addresses. } } 2) The same knee jerk reaction. Apparently the British saw the } addition of the letter 'u' to many English words as a positive form of } linguistic evolution. The Americans were just sticking with the } status quo in which many of these words never had a 'u' before Middle } English or even before Modern English in the newly mutated British } version. } } 3) Because they like to make easy sorting of things more difficult. } Fools. There really aren't any other points in favour of either form } except as relates to collation though. } } 4) The Oracle wishes to engage the Socratic method with you. Why } makes a hat silly? Do you have a problem with caps or with cowboy } hats? Or is some other "American" form of headwear? Why do the } French wear berets? Why did some military people wear triangular } hats? And how about that thing Napolean wore? Why do Arabs wear } silly hats, even when not in the Middle East? Who ever came up with } the cone that St Nick dons? The Oracle is inclined to believe that } unless you have a functional reason for wearing a hat, other than } accessorising your wardrobe, then wearing a hat is stupid anyway. } Fedoras and Bowlers included. The Oracle is similarly inclined to } believe that in general whimsy "style" and "fashion" changes are } baloney too, used in the Western world primarily as a way to make lots } of new revenue every season and to further dissect the population into } groups, namely "those who are slaves to fashion stupidity and can } afford to be" and "the rest of the slime of the earth". Silly, } really. } } 5) Silly people are liked for many reasons. Most significant probably } is simple entertainment. It also helps boost egos to sit and think } that you are better than the silly person you are watching. Of } course, you must realise that the British are no exception to this; it } is not a quality exclusive to Americans. The British pump gobs and } gobs of pounds every year in to the Royal machinery, existing for no } purpose but to a) entertain, b) act stupid and c) beget more royal } people for the country to spend money on to do a and b. Of course, a } and b are so simple for them to do and one mustn't mistake the fact } that although they entertain they are _not_ entertainers. Silly, yes? } } You owe the Oracle two Sterlings and a new Triumph, a typeset board } full of extra 'u's, a month full of dates with page three girls, a } trip to the habbedashery and a sitting of tea and crumpets with the } Queen. --- 219-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I would like to know of an ingenious way to > make a quick buck. Any suggestions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle regrets that your question cannot be answered as } definitively as is the Oracle's custom, because the Oracle's } domain is largely a spiritual one, far removed from worldly } concerns and the money attendant upon them. } } However, the Oracle does have a large stock of cheap detective } fiction on hand, for reading between questions, and it is } possible to glean from these a few ideas, although it has been } quite some time since the Oracle has been required to engage in } any serious graft or second-story work, and thus no advice gan be } given concerning the modern applicability of any of these } methods. } } The Oracle has always thought that a nifty way to appropriate } large sums of money would be to locate a bank under construction, } and fill the forms 9/10 full of styrofoam the night before the } concrete is poured for the vault. This would make tunneling in } later a relatively simple proposition. Oh dear, you said you } wanted a "quick buck." } } Have you tried running a small classified ad reading "All } taxpayers are reminded to send their $5.00 filing fee to the } Office of Official Expediting, P.O. Box 297, Manhasset, NJ, } 01243"? Or taping an "out of order" sign over a night depository } slot one evening, and leaving a milk crate underneath? Or } learning how to play three-card Monte? } } You could always set yourself in a position of apparent but } meaningless authority and charge exorbitant fees for dispensing } worthless answers and advice. } } The Oracle awaits your wire transfer of $57.28 for its services. --- 219-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh, most knowelegeable oracle, I beseach you: how can I solve a > non-linear differential equation?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Algorithm A: } } [1] Take a bottle of tequila or a baggie of your favorite blend. } } [2] Pour a shot / roll a number. } } [3] Make the proper introductions: } } "Shot/number this is mouth, mouth, this is shot/number." } } [4] Apply shot/number. } } [5] (Iterate) Repeat [4] as necessary. } } } Very soon you will realize that solving virtually any kind of equation } is trivial, and in fact, rather boring. Later in the process, you } will realize that the solution of practically any problem will reveal } itself nearly instantaneously. This latter mode is most effective in } groups (i.e. your friends or house-mates). } } Contraindicted: in the presence of a member of the appropriate sex. } } } Algorithm B: } } [1] Find a mathmo of the appropriate sex. } } [2] Arrange a date (for some, this is the hardest part). } } [3] At an opportune moment, say: } } You: "You have wonderful eyes." } } Mathmo: } } You: "How do I solve this non-linear differential } equation?" } } Mathmo (much relieved): } "Oh, you just..." } } [4] Write down the solution. } } } Failing a mathmo, or the courage to ask for a date, alternative } techniques include: } } o Talk-radio. "We're on the air, with a question from one of } our listeners, 'How do you solve a non-linear differential } equation?' Yes, caller number one, go ahead." } } "Oh, you just..." } } o Blackmail. For this, you still need a mathmo, but you need not } limit yourself to the problem of solving non-linear differential } equations (e.g. you can ask for money or sex, which in the } Oracle's humble opinion are worth virtually any number of } diffy-Qs). } } o Legislation.