From kinzler Thu Nov 1 13:21:03 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 1 Nov 90 13:09:53 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #215 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 215 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #215 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 1 Nov 90 13:09:53 -0500 %%% Usenet Oracularities now appear in the newsgroup alt.humor.oracle. %%% They will be cross-posted to rec.humor until this new group is well %%% established. Encourage your news administrator to carry %%% alt.humor.oracle! Those of you on the distribution list who can and %%% would rather read the Oracularities in alt.humor.oracle can send mail %%% to oracle-request at iuvax to be taken off the list. Feel free to use %%% alt.humor.oracle for public discussion and questions about the Oracle, %%% too. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 210 10 votes 12520 12520 12610 01621 24301 22312 02251 12160 25300 11530 210 2.9 mean 2.8 2.8 2.7 3.3 2.4 2.9 3.5 3.2 2.1 3.0 --- 215-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle, > One of my friends yesterday loudly proclaimed: > "The Usenet Oracle is a geek" > and was not struck by lightning or anything! Are you really > a geek, or what's the deal here??!? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What! } Obviously a daemon is down. Let's check: } } oraclevax %> rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com } Last login: Fri Feb 9 14:43:37 from oraclevax.oracle.com } SunOS 3.5.1 } =============================================================== } Welcome to PearlyGates!! } Alleleuia! Alleleuia! Alleleuia! } New news: IBM has been damned by Him. This is only on a trial basis, } to see if Hell will run better on the new machines. } New news: Jim Henson will be doing a new puppet show at 8:00, Nov 1st., } In the opal ballroom. Formal attire will not be required, and there } will be punch and cookies after the show. No spiking the punch this } time. } =============================================================== } You have mail. } Your terminal type is now xterms } It is now Tue Feb 13 22:17:43 EST 1990 } pearlygates %> fs checkdaemon } The following oracular daemons are down: } common.sence (down since Oct 31, 1983) } ronald.reagan (down since Nov 6, 1988) } fiery.retribution (down since Oct 25, 1990, has one stopped job) } "Well, can't have that, canwe?" } pearlygates %>restartdaemon fiery.retribution } restartdaemon: error } restartdaemon: On vacation } "WELL! On vacation, in one of the Oracle's busiest times of the year?" } pearlygates %>bootdaemon firey.retribution } firey.retribution: OWCH! } Oracle: Get back on the Job NOW! } firey.retribution: No-way! } pearlygates %>pitchfork firey.retribution } firey.retribution: Oh, all right... } pearlygates %> logout } You have now logged out. } Have a heavenly day! } . } . } . } That should take care of the little geek. Give us a week, and he should } be charcoal. } } You owe the Oracle some lighter fluid and a steak. --- 215-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: sci34hub!eng3!eng3!felton@uunet.uu.net The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear most wise and prudent oracle: > > What does this button do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Big Red Button in front of you (the one with no documentation) is } supposed to activate an emergency sprinkler system in the event that } your computer were to catch fire. However, much like the Hubble } Telescope, it has never been tested and was purchased from the lowest } bidder. If you were to push it, an action the Oracle does not } recommend, you would find a large metal arm coming from seemingly } nowhere to inspect your private parts. } } You see my son, the last engineer to be hired by the company that } installed the button you are so carelessly inspecting, came from the } Masters and Johnson Institute of Incredibly Strange Sexuality, in San } Francisco. There he designed and installed a streamlined automated } system to separate the subjects by sex. He held promise as an engineer } of sexually discriminating hardware, but alas, along with great genius } comes great perversity. He was caught with a pit bull and a small man } with a large mustache in what he would describe later as a "dry run" of } the system. The Institute directors felt something amiss and quietly } let him go. He was not rehired immediately but kept to himself and } drank too much, for quite some time. } } It was after a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic (tm) that our hero got a } better grip on who and what he was. He dried out and started to look } for work again. The sprinkler company was in need of personnel right } away and he hired on. Unfortunately, the specs for the sprinkler system } were a bit on the hazy side and his boss just told him to improvise. } He, of course, had the old blueprints of his last project, (he was very } emotional about the whole thing) and simply hooked it all up again. } } So, to finish an already long story, if you push it, you will be } pantsed and inspected, a prospect you would really want to avoid if you } ever want to date again. Once everyone gets a close look at your } plumbing, and they will, you'll have a really tough time explaining your } unique (hmmm how to put this in a delicate way) shall we say shape, not } to mention the frilly "Mary Jane's" and Jean Kirkpatrick tatoo you have } under those jeans. } } The Oracle wants a Hywat Plasma Drill that goes through rock like a hot } knife. --- 215-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: MZINTL@vmsd.oac.uci.edu The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mr. Oral Kull > > I got a cute message, in mail, from my friend in CS 101, her name is > Mandy. Anyways, I wanted to save her message becasue it was about this > cute boy in our class, his name is Brad and I think he's going to ask > Mandy out but she says he probably won't because she's too fat but I say > she's not too fat, just that she retains too much water on her period > and if she'd try using X-Tra strength Pamprin, she could lose that extra > water and wear those cute dresses she has, instead of those horrible > stone washed jeans with the big wide seat. > > Ooops, where was I, oh yes, so I saved the mail message in a file > called Mail-Buffer, but I didn't spell it right and saved something > called Male-Buffer. Well, it was just awfull, nobody could get anything > done for the longest time and some geeky consultant guy comes up and > starts yelling at me about some mail demon (whatever that is) is in a > fight with the computer I was using and everything's all my fault hmpf ! > > Well, the next thing you know there's this tall blonde man in a black > suit going around buffing things till they sparkle. The consultant says > I have to take him home, but my parents would have kittens and besides, > I don't think he likes girls too much. He has very good taste in > clothing and he's very very clean. The lab has never looked better, but > I still can't take him home with me, and Mandy's upset because Karl > (that's the guy that's buffing things) told Brad all about what we were > talking about and said that Brad could do better and would he like to go > shopping sometime, (the nerve). So, I asked the consultant what I > should do and he looked at me like I just told him I liked to eat farts > and he said "Why don't you ask the frigging Oral Kull" and I wouldn't do > it till he typed in the address for me because I get all those silly @'s > and thingy's mixed up. Could you please help ? > > Cindy Sue Simpson > College of Home Economics > Clark Community College > Buffit Indiana And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's like gross! I mean, like if he was really ugly or something } you could just like tell him "Barf out!" but now if he's just that } awesome hunk, isn't he, and if he really like likes to go shopping } why don't you just like go "Hey! Let's go down to the Galleria, it's } like so bitchin" and I was just down there, and bought like one of } those really nifty like mini-skirts and stuff, and just before that } I was down to get my braces off, and it was like so GRODY! Grody to } the max! Like somebody else's food, all that stuff that sticks to } the plates, like when your mother makes you do the dishes, but } anyway, there was this orthodontist, and he looked just like my } English teacher, he's just like mr. Bu-Fu! We're talking Lord God King } Bu-Fu, he's like so disgusting, he just sits there and play with } his rings and flirts with all the guys in the class, and this little } blob of drool in the corner of his mouth, it's like totally GROSS! } And all the stuff they stick in your mouth, at the orthodontist's, } I mean, and if your parents are having kittens just like go "no" } if they'd ask you to clean out the cat box, and the orthodontist } like says to me "Well, let's see now, Melissa" and my names not } Melissa, but anyway, couldn't they put this guy in some display window } down at the Galleria, daytimes at least, and then maybe you could like } keep him under the bed or something, if your mom and dad won't mind } feeding him, or you could just like get him a job, like an accountant } or something, I mean, he does like have a suit anyway. Wouldn't that } be like totally, I mean, if he ain't like really queer or into things } like "picture me in a leather teddy", and it's like so awesome, that } white snout-thing at the orthodontist's, it just like makes you choke. } I bet mr Bu-Fu, he's really named Shatner, you know that, I mean like } that really gross, just like Star Trek, and my ex-boyfriend used to } be a Trekkie, it was just like gag me with a spoon. Anyway, I bet mr. } Shatner's like that too, but now I can't write anymore because I } just simply gotta try on my new mini-skirt. } } Bye bye! } } Awra Chull } Fernado Valley } Near Edward's Airforce Base } Mojave Desert } CA. --- 215-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Sid Dabster The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Denise, > last night was terrific. You are the most exquiste woman I have > ever known. I can't tell you how much I love you...can we do it again > tomorrow night? I'll bring the baby oil. > > All my love, > Ken And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Denise? DENISE? MY NAME IF FRANK, YOU JERK! I can't BELIEVE that you } said that. ARGH! I can't STAND it when someone can't get the correct } personna. (NO! WAIT! I STILL GET THE BODY FOR A ANOTHER DAY! ACK! } NO! STOP!) } } ahem. Hello? This is "Denise." I had a wonderful time as well, despite } the fact that, well, you probably know unless you were too drunk at the } time, I am trapped in the body of a man. (Stop it! Just let me TALK to } him. He's the FIRST one who could ever get close to us, and your just } going to wreck everything!) } } Wahl, mis-TA, I don't know what ya think yew were doin' last nite, but } when ya violate Da-neese like that, ya violate all of us, Frank, Kathy, } Mongo, the Boss, Spine-crusher, and ME, Buford Montana. An' I don't } much lahk that kind o thang, nowhutImean? Yew take him, Mongo.... } } ARrrraghghgh. Mongo no LIKE baby oil. Mongo DESTROY! Mongo like } fudge. } } (back, Mongo, BACK BACK BACK I SAY! arrr.) } } YO, dis here's da Boss, if ya know whut I'm talkin' about, Capische? } (You just LOVE releasing Mongo, don't you Buford? Dios, what an } animal.) Ef you don't lay off the affections for Denise, ya know, me an' } the boys, well, let's just say that baby oil BURNS if you get my drift. } Ya know, me an the boys don't like them whats got unhonerable } distention, if ya get my meaning. Guido, ya know, he don't like that at } all. (No wait, Spine-crusher, I ain't done talkin' to OUR friend, here, } eh?) } } DUDE! Totally righteous what ya did ta Denise last night. Whoooah, } man, total doomage. Chill action, ya know? I was always hopin' someone } would bring that ho down a couple, ya know. But what YOU did was like, } totally, totally heinous, with a max factor of, like, forty out of five, } ya know. Gahd, I wish I coulda seen the look on our face, but ya know, } I was totally ripped and like I didn't have control, ya know. } } (Guyyysssss, you're scaring him off. It was MY night with the body, and } you just went and ruined, as always. I'll NEVER forgive you guys for } this. This was worse than when you gave Mongo control when I was with } the football team. OOOOOOOOOHHHHH! I hate you all! } } Quiet, you little whore! } } Gasp! Kathy! } } Yes, it's Kathy, and I'm taking control right now! Just because you } wanted a little action, I'm gonna have to pay) } } Alright, buster! You listen to me! You may have thought you could have } your way with that little piece of fluff, Denise, but you're dealing } with me, now! And don't think you can get me off the way you did } Denise. Why it'd take whips and leather... well you get the picture! } Anyway, stay away from us! } } Oh, gosh, I'm sorry... NO DON'T SAY THAT DENISE! I hope I can see you } again. (arrr, snarll, rend, maim) You stay away from Denise, or me an } the boys, we break your _equipment_, unnerstan? I have a gun. Oh, } please understand me, this isn't my fault. Cowanbunga, dude! --- 215-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jonmon@cadence.com The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty oracle, beloved and wise, answer this: > > Why has nobody killed the New Kids on the Block yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Kill the New Kids on the Block?!? } KilldeNukidSonTheBlock??? } And will you be asking for [waggle waggle] Elvis's death } next?(Gomple steeble phphththth ... *&$!) } } *Panic Mode* } Dumping core image and shutting down. } } [Meta-Oracle Maintenance and Repair: } What's this? Another damn Oracle shutdown? Oh great. The Universe } is headed for a recession, we're already over budget in Repairs, } and this Oracle has to pick now to break down. Well, let's see } what happened.... } Hmmm. Looks like it had a nervous breakdown and shut itself off. } Well that's not supposed to happen! It's only supposed to shut down } when someone gives it the code phrase I distilled from the sage } remarks of the Meta-Oracle Sysop when I asked him about the } CentauriNet Oracle: 'Killed. Nuked it son. The block transmission } costs were too high.' } Hey wait a minute! You!! Yeah you, the person who asked this } question about the New Kids on the Block! Oh, my aching ganglia. } Listen friend, you've gone and scared the shit out of the Oracle, } and it did a panic shutdown. A crew of wookies will be picking you } up shortly. If this was intentional, you'll have to serve } 6 million years of forced labour in the Alpha Omicron 5 mercury mines. } If it was an accident, you just owe us for the Meta-Cray down time, } but considering the fact that one Meta-Cray CPU second costs more } than the liquidated net worth of your whole planet, I'd consider } pleading guilty anyway.] --- 215-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle, without whose spiritual leadership I surely would never > have bought a Honda, > > What makes Mountain Dew yellow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } FD&C Yellow Dye No. 5. } } Okay, you were probably expecting a funny answer. A witty answer. A } clever answer. At least an answer implying that the yellow color has } something to do with urine. Yes, the Oracle can see you hunched } expectantly over the workstation (so to speak), awaiting the answer to } your query, e'en as It is typing this answer in with the fingers of its } current incarnation...you await an answer that mentions URINE. And, boy } are you gonna be pissed when you read that the Oracle has answered the } question in a way that does not attribute the yellow color to it. } } However, FD&C Yellow Dye No. 5 is made from urine, if that's any } consolation. --- 215-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: jhm@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry ) The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do female dilemmas have horns? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They're most certainly connected with BEING HORNY, anyway. For } reference, check "The Horn Book" by G. Legman (author of such works as } "Oral Technique In Sexual Stimulation" and "Rationale Of The Dirty } Joke", which won the "Really Intellectual and Turtle-Neck-Sweater-Clad } Persons Prize For The Most Frequent Use Of A Certain Word In A Serious } Book" in 1963), and also Trevor Horne (whoever that might be (probably a } loony)). } } And now for something completely the same: } } ----------------------- } THE FEMALE DILEMMA } ----------------------- } } The female dilemma is closely related to those two guys that tend to } appear on people's shoulder in comic strips, you know, the little angel } and the little devil. And the latter certainly has horns... The term } "di-lemma" refers to those two entities, thus the prefix "di". "lemma" } is Tibetanian word, meaning "little strange demon appearing on the } shoulder of comic strip characters". As we all know, the female dilemma } rises only when there's a conflict concerning } } -------------------- } THE OPPOSITE SEX } -------------------- } } and I don't mean questions like "What'll it be baby, hips or lips?" } (those questions I even trust you, mere mortals, to resolve by } yourselves). Oh by the way, aren't these } } --------------- } SUB-HEADINGS } --------------- } } irritating? What I really mean is, where's that umbrella? Oh, sorry. } Nevertheless, phrases like "Why can't you ever put your socks in the } laundry basket" are sure to give rise to a female dilemma when asked by } an sufficiently attractive person who you have a sexual relationship } with. So would several butcher's aprons. No, they wouldn't. Also, the } situation described so vividly by Lawrence Fisher: } } "Oh how I love Laurie but Linda loves me } oh can't you see the situation I'm in?" } } which is particularly impressive, as he sings the second line using only } } -------------- } SEVEN NOTES } -------------- } } Where were I? If you have a metal detector, life would be a lot more } simple. Anyone can sing "Warum bist du so ferne?" These questions can } give you severe female dilemmas, but why am I telling you this? You } just want to know if they have horns. They don't. No no no. } } You owe the Oracle a sack of ground reindeer horn. (female reindeers } have horns, did you know that? And so do cows) --- 215-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Oz The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Supreme Oracle (with anchovies), why does ATT continually > discriminate against the letters Q and Z by not including them on the > rotary dial/push button phone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There are very few occasions where even the Great and Powerful Oracle } will admit to being baffled. However, on those very few (almost } completely unheard-of) occasions, it usually involves some sort of } baffling silliness on the part of AT&T. } } This is one of those. Instead of omitting the letters I and O (which } could easily be confused with 1 and 0 in the bizarre font used by the } AT&T Dial and Button designers), Q and Z were chosen for omission. In } fact, this was reportedly due to one of the stranger clauses in the pact } Alexander Graham Bell is alleged to have signed with Satan himself. The } legendary conversation between Bell and Lucifer has been preserved } through generations of telephone repair specialists, usually in hushed } tones, and is here, in part, related: } } Bell: [after the 526th attempt that day] You know, Watson, I'd } do just about anything to get this damned thing to work. } Watson: [doesn't hear Bell, as he is in another part of the house] } Satan: [*bamf* The Deceiver appears with a loud sound and a cloud } of foul-smelling smoke] *Anything*? } Bell: [backing up rapidly] Well, almost anything. Oh, hell, } anything then. } Satan: [peering at the strange contraption] Hm. It'll cost you. } Bell: What? } Satan: Well, after all, if this works, you'll wind up commanding } a world-wide communications empire, which will give you } the excuse to be as rude and monopolistic as possible, for } as long as you can get away with it. You'll be rich, and } you'll have a lot more time for all that kite-flying } business. } Bell: Hm. Okay. What will it cost? } Satan: Like most of my contracts, this will have a hard part and } an easy part. I'm feeling rather on the pleasant side } today, actually, so I'll let you off easy. The easy part } will be--- let's see. Hell, I can't think of anything } good. Hm. Well, here you go: All future documents } produced by either you or your company may not contain the } letters E or I. } Bell: But that's impossible! } Satan: Oh, stop whining. Fine, make it Q and Z. } Bell: Deal. } Satan: However, since I made the easy part even easier, let's be } a little harder on the hard part. Let's see, what would } be a good one . . . oh! Of course! This bottle of acid } you're using? } Bell: [suspiciously] Yes? } Satan: You'll have to pour it on your pants. } Bell: What?! } Satan: Just think! Power, money, and no competition for at least } 100 years! Think of all the opportunities! } Bell: Oh, all right. Hand me the damned bottle. } } This is only, of course, legend. } } ---The Oracle [mcglk] --- 215-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Russell S Porter The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is there IBM? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is not for mere mortals like yourself to question the reasons } behind the existance of such entities as IBM. Like God, Satan, and the } Oracle, IBM exists because it has being. There is no *reason* per se; } at least, no reason that your finite mind will understand. IBM is } Eternal; without End, it is also without Beginning, and beyond } Rationale. } } Why else do you suppose so many mortals find themselves at IBM's } beck and call? This is a form of worship called 'Employment'. Many } beings seek this, but only a select few are bestowed this honor. To } better their chances, many would-be followers seek to increase their } chances for Employment by attending and paying for training at places } called 'Universities', where they learn how to better serve the Great } IBM. Universities are also among the Eternals. Some worshipers seek } Employment among the Lesser Eternals, hoping one day to be called forth } by IBM into *true* Employment. } } Of course, such an Entity as IBM would be meaningless without an } Adversary. As God has his Satan and Prince Charles his Lady Di, so IBM } has its Great Nemesis: DEC. } } You owe the Oracle a fix for OS/2. --- 215-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest of all immortals, could you please help me quit smoking? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Gentle Mortal, } } Of *course* I'd be glad to give you suggestions to quit your nasty, } but sublime habit. Here are several suggestions which are guaranteed } to work: } } 1) Quit tomorrow. This method has worked many times for the last } mortal who asked me this question. } } 2) Redefine smoking. This may only work for mathematicians. } } 3) Cut off your head. This is guaranteed to work for all mortals } and for most immortals who have heads. } } 4) Remove all oxygen from your environment. This is guaranteed to } work for mortals and immortals alike. } } You owe the oracle a box of fine Cuban cigars.