From kinzler Wed Oct 24 15:56:33 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 15:47:49 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #209 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 209 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #209 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 24 Oct 90 15:47:49 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 204 13 votes 13441 01543 14710 21433 35212 11542 02632 01543 44014 08410 204 3.1 mean 3.1 3.7 2.6 3.3 2.5 3.4 3.4 3.7 2.8 2.5 --- 209-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the job immediately ahead of mine in the line printer queue > always (a) at least 4 megabytes long and (b) constructed of Ascii > sequences that break the line printer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The problem lies with the relationships between magnitude of computer } illiteracy (M), number of computer illiterates (CI), and print job size } (PJS). First, it is estimated that the average PJS of a CI is 4Mbytes, } and the average PJS of a Non CI (NCI) is 40 Kbytes. The ratio is shown } below. } } PJSnci 40x10^3 } ------ = ------- = 0.01 (1) } PJSci 4 x10^6 } } PJSci is ususally attributed to printing an executable file. This also } explains to destructive ASCII sequence. Similarly, using equation one } as a base, the ratio of CI to NCI is estimated to be } } CI 40x10^3 } -- = ------- = 0.000001 = DS (2) } NCI 4 x10^9 } } DS is known as Dumbshit's constant. About 1 in every 1 million people } is computer literate. As a side note PJS is also inversely proportional } to M^2 time DS. } } 100 } PJS = ------- (3) } (M^2)DS } } M is on a scale of 0 to 100 and can only be estimated since some people } can fake it. A rating over 50 defines a NCI. The average of M is } thought to be about 10.Note that as M approaches 0, PJS rapidly } approaches infinity. By combining Equations 1 and 2, we see that the } probability of being placed in front of a PJSnci is about 0.000000001. } Not very likely! --- 209-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and everlovin' Oracle answer me but one question. > Who did put the bump in the bumpdebumpdebump? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ha! So, you think you can stump the limitless mind of the benevolent } Oracle with a trick questions, eh? But you forget that with my great } knowledge and abilities I can not only read your mind, see your dreams, } fathom your most hidden fears - yea - even follow the firings of } individual neurons in your simple bio-limited brain, but I can tell when } you think you are being tricky. } } NO! It was not the same person who put the "bop" in the "bop-shoo-bop". } NAY! `Twas not even the one who put the "ram" in the "ram-a lam-a } ding-dong". } NYET! It was not the one who put the dishcloth in Mrs. Murphy's chowder. } NEIN! Nor was it the one who put this town on the map. } UH, UH! It ain't the one who put "Three's Company" on T.V. } NEGATIVE! Not the one who put chocolate in my peanut butter. } FORGET IT! It was not the Oracle who must put up with such silly } questions. } } Actually, it was Betty Crocker. The recipe she wrote was as follows: } } Glazed Bumpdebumpdebump le Orange } --------------------------------- } Ingredients: } 3 bumps, no larger than a standard Bell(tm) Telephone, and must be } firm } Juice of 5 oranges, medium sized } 1 cup Karo syrup } 1 wilted orchid, chopped } Pinch of salt } 1 tsp. sand } 3 albums by Boston, grated } } Directions: } Combine and thouroughly mix dry ingredients. Stir into Karo syrup } and orange juice. } Pour over bumps until thouroughly disgusted. } Cook for 3 hours at 15 feet with Ki-138 flamethrower until } unrecognizeable. } Pack into Level 4 Bio-hazard rated box. } Mail to a loved one in another state. } Order out for pizza. } } Well, obviously that third bump is the mistake. It really should have } been Dan Quayle, but Ms. Crocker thought that a bump was an appropriate } substitution. } } This has since been immortalized by Dr. Suess in one of his lesser } known books, "The Star-Bellied Sneetch in Central Park After Dark": } } Sitting like a lump eating Bumdebumpdepump. } Waiting for a clump of hair from the head of Ivana Trump. } With me is Sam I Am, who is eating green eggs and ham, } And licking a jagged can of gangly glug-bug infested Spam. } } It's boring, I'm snoring, and I'd rather be scoring, } But I'm waiting for the door-ring, staring at the flooring. } So I sit and ha-rump, like a frumpy old chump } For a hairy Trump clump while eating Bumpdebumpdebump. } } You owe the Oracle your recipe for everlovin' forever. --- 209-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why has the oracle no questions to ask? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because not enough people are sending in questions to be asked. Also, } because in West Lafayette, Indiana, a M. S. student is requesting } questions every five minutes, all day and all night, and answering them } all. His name is , he's a grad. student in } the Dept. of , and he is convinced that } he is the only True Incarnation of the Oracle. So seek him out and put } him out of action. You should be able to locate him by smell alone -- } he hasn't washed more than his hands in the past three months -- so that } the above bits of omitted information should hardly be necessary. } } You owe the Oracle a Punjabi micro-tiger, medium well. --- 209-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a problem with my brain. It tends to leave my body and > wonder about. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Anyhow, the Oracle has the same problem. Its brain (at least the brain } of this incarnation) tends to wander about as well. And it's got this } nasty habit of body-snatching. It keeps sneaking up behind innocent } people, leaping at their heads, evicting their proper brains, and taking } up residence in their skulls for a while. Very nasty of it; it results } in a lot of innocent people not being themselves. Just yesterday it got } into the head of a professor of political science, one known for his } Marxist views, and proceeded to make a fool of him in the lecture hall. } Last week it got into the head of the Homecoming Queen, and...well, her } performance during the parade will be remembered fondly by many of the } alumni, although it did short out a few pacemakers...but the Oracle } digresses. } } However, your brain doesn't seem to be in the habit of body-snatching. } Maybe you would enjoy life more if it were. If you want to cultivate } this talent, start out with persons of feeble mind, like university } administrators and deans of colleges. From there you can move up to } tired-out graduate students, whose brains have grown too feeble to put } up much of a fight, and dumb-broad coeds (although many of their brains } are quite vigorous and will put up a big struggle). } } If body-snatching isn't quite your bag, you might want to keep your } brain trapped in your skull. Try a bicycle helmet with a good, stout } set of straps. This should keep the pesky bugger inside your body, } although some brains, treated such, learn to change shape and ooze out } through the nostrils or mouth, resuming their proper form once they } escape. A steady low level of blood/cerebrospinal-fluid alcohol should } prevent this. In other words, you should go around slightly drunk all } the time, with a bicycle helmet strapped firmly to your head. } } Hope this helps. --- 209-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I want one of the new NeXTStation computers, but the school's computer > store is being slow about getting them and won't give any information. > Is it their fault, or NeXT's, or Motorola's for delaying the 68040? > > Also, is there software that lets the NeXT synthesize the voice of a > really sexy woman? If I can't have the real thing, I might as well have > my computer talk dirty to me... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well... err... } } To be honest with you (and I always am, yes yes!), it's } not Motorola's fault. Nor NeXT, nor your computer store. } I've been buying every single one the moment they get } put in their boxes. } } See, I was playing with piping the sound files through } various filters before sending them to the speaker, and } I found a couple text filters written in lex which when } human speech *sound* data is run though them, out comes } some famous sexy female's voice. The C pretty-printing } filter makes it sound like Christie Brinkley, the auto- } spell-corrector filter sounds like Kathleen Turner, and } valspeak sounds like Susan Lucci. (Oddly enough, sound } run through our banner filter sounds like Divine.) } } Well, you've probably heard about lex--it's very slow. } And these sound files are humongous. So I just don't } get enough processing power out of these older NeXTs } that I have. Believe you me, it's definitely worth } the outlay just to hear these lovely voices saying } the exact words of my choice. And you'd probably } get a bang out of the sounds I use for Xbiff! So } the answer to the first question is "Mine", and } the answer to the second is "Yes." Hang on... } Well, I can tell by Raquel Welch's "Oh faster } Oracle!" that another question is in need of } attention. I think I shall not be needing } any more NeXTs though, so the supply will } return to normal as soon as I tell them. } } You owe the Oracle a committment to get a real life, instead of } pestering him (and the computer store) with your silly "problems." } } Now, what was that sed script that sounded like Ricardo Montalban? } "Corinthian Leather" gives me such goosebumps... } } Hey! Piss off! Go away. --- 209-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How come most women have such ugly voices? They screech rather than > talk -- even the really pretty ones. And lots have these fake, put-on > breathless voices that sound both stupid and strained -- no resonance, > flawed vocal production, extreme ugliness. When will women learn to > talk properly? A few actresses and singers I know can produce decent, > attractive tones, but they're rarities; also, most singers don't seem to > have much upstairs but resonating-cavities. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle does not agree with your judgment that most women have } screechy voices. In fact, the Oracle has generally found women's voices } to be quite soothing, or even a turn-on. There are exceptions to this } rule, but in general the Oracle has been pleased by the sound of most } female voices. If you had been to the Oracle's party last weekend, } well, I think you would know what the Oracle means. } } Back to the subject...below is a graph, comparing the various levels of } screechiness of various sounds. Compare these levels to the level of } the average human female. There is, frankly, no comparison: } } 100 __ 1: Average human female voice. } . __ @@ } S . @@ @@ 2: Call of the screech owl. } cL . @@ __ @@ } re . @@ @@ @@ 3: Fingernails on a chalkboard. } ev50 __ @@ @@ @@ } ee . @@ @@ @@ @@ 4: Brakes of a car just before an } cl . @@ @@ @@ @@ accident. } h . __ @@ @@ @@ @@ 5: 2-year-old child having a } . @@ @@ @@ @@ @@ temper tantrum. } 0------------------------------- } 1 2 3 4 5 } } These figures come from Freed and Kroeger's landmark 1954 study, } "Screechiness of the human female," Journal of Ululation, v.4, pp. } 154-173. } } Perhaps you are hypersensitive to the somewhat higher pitch typical of } most female voices. This is often the result of a build-up of excess } male hormones in the blood. To be blunt, perhaps you just aren't } "getting it" enough. I would suggest attending one of the annual orgies } held by the Galactic Association of Omniscient Beings. Why last year, } Aphrodite started to...well, enough of that. } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of Madonna albums and a videotape of } Rosanne Barr singing the "Star-Spangled Banner." --- 209-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My girlfriend's been replaced with another woman who's impersonating > her. I have no idea why. I like the impersonator better -- she's > livelier, wittier, and better company -- but I'm worried that something > terrible has happened to the original one. What do I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm. This reminds the oracle of an episode of "Twilight Zone (TM)" that } it saw, in which lots of bodies were stored in the basement of this huge } house, and there was this huge spider and all these pulsing blobs like } in Aliens. (It's funny the things you remember, isn't it?) Anyway the } oracle suggests that you lay traps for the new girlfriend by testing } her. (I.e. Saying: "Remember that day we made love in the elevator of } Maceys when we first met. Oh - that's right, that wasn't you, that was } my bit on the side" If she was your real girlfriend, she will douse you } liberally in a spirit based aftershave lotion and apply the basic } principles of combustion to appease her vengeance streak. If, however, } it is a replacement she might say, "Oh was it, wish I'd been there...") } } As for the implied question of what you should do about your } original girlfriend, she's probably wrapped in one of those pulsing } blobs in the base- ment on Twilight Zone, far beyond your reach. You } now owe the Oracle-S a peice of coal and a Spelunker Weekly --- 209-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > . > ^D^D^C^]^C^C > O great one, how do I get out of mail in VMS? > . > ^C^C^C^C And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Easy! Simplicity itself! One moment, please... } } oraclevax %> su root } Password: } BABY!!! TALK TO ME!!! } oraclevax #> lightningstrike some.dweebs.machine.com } LIGHTNINGSTRIKE some.dweebs.machine.com (XXX.XXX.XX.X) } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=0 } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=1 } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=2 } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=3 } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=4 } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=5 } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=6 } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=7 } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=8 } ZOT some.dweebs.machine.com: icmp_seq=9 } } ----some.dweebs.machine.com LIGHTNINGSTRIKE Statistics---- } 10 ZOTS transmitted, 10 ZOTS received, 0% ZOT loss } oraclevax #> exit } oraclevax %> } } There we go. Easy as pie. Anything else you need? } } Hello? } } Hello? } } Hellll-llllooo-ooo? } } You owe the Oracle a surge protector. --- 209-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why, oh why, do women's privates make such godawful noises after > doggie-style sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer is quite simple on the evolutionary scale. The doggies } perfected positions and styles of sex in the ancient times. They } experimented and developed, until achieving the ultimate. Since they } fulfulled their carnal needs the the pinnacle of satisfaction, they } guarded their secret jealously. Man (and Woman) spent many a day } observing the activities of the doggies, seeking their complete inner } satisfaction. However, true to their intents, the doggies performed } their deeds hidden. Finally, with the invention of the still camera and } flashpaper, modern man followed the doggies into the deep recesses of } the darkest places in search of the secret to doggies' inner state. The } doggies were defeated, yet did not give up. They could not bear to } remain at such levels of inner completeness while other beings knew } their secret. Thus forced to divulge their secrets and face the } embarrasment of being photographed in the act, the doggies cursed man to } fail in his attempt in seeking this deep and serene inner pacifity } brought about by the completion of sex in the perfect position. Doggies } sacrificed their inner peace and knowledge for the imperfection of man } and woman's lovemaking, and placed their mark audibly, causing women's } privates to make godawful noises after doggie- style sex. } } You owe the Oracle embarassing photos of dogs demonstrating this long } lost art. --- 209-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the exact contents of the 5 layer caserole that the student > union serves on monday nights? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The 5-Layer casserole in question conforms to the International } Standards Organization recommendation for student casseroles (C.843 } bis). Uniform casserole preparation throughout the world is just } another step towards international culinary cooperation, and it's good } to see that you young radishes are public-spirited enough to heed the } international standards when it's chow time on Monday night. } } In case you don't have access to the Proceedings of the Subcommittee on } Pies, Pastas, Non-fattening Beverages, Casseroles and Cheese } By-Products, issue 473 (Upper Sandusky, Ohio, 1989), pages 32-344, the } Oracle is happy to excerpt the portions of the Subcommittee's } recommended recipes that will answer your question: } } 5-LAYER STUDENT CASSEROLE } } Layer 1 -- The Physical Layer } } Tomato sauce, mud, romano cheese, grated goat extract, iguana } eyeballs, moose turd, carraway seeds. } } Layer 2 -- The Digestion Link Layer } } Hydrochloric acid, nasal mucous, phlegm, bile, ground kidney, diced } liver, E. coli bacteria. } } Layer 3 -- The Enzymatic Layer } } Huge chunks of rotten horsemeat, carrots, onions, garlic, beets. } } Layer 4 -- The Mastication Layer } } Brussels sprouts, more rotten horsemeat, Hamburger Helper, orange } juice. } } Layer 5 -- The Mezzanine Layer } } Peanut butter, barley malt, oat bran, cow's brains, nutmeg, basil. } } The Committee's recipes, of course, cover the entire seven-layer ISO } model, with the five layer casserole as a suboption for interim } implementation. } } } You owe the Oracle an antacid tablet and a copy of the Proceedings of } the Subcommittee on After-Dinner Mints and Tablecloths.