From kinzler Mon Oct 15 15:07:56 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 14:59:00 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #206 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 206 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #206 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 15 Oct 90 14:59:00 -0500 *** The oracle helpfile has been revised and now includes a short *** etiquette section. Mail to oracle with the word "help" in the *** subject line. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 200 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 201 11 votes 23411 53201 15230 11531 10055 11423 13520 22403 45110 42311 201 2.8 mean 2.6 2.0 2.6 3.2 4.2 3.5 2.7 3.0 1.9 2.4 --- 206-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > TELL ME THE ANSWER TO MY QUERY. IN THE UNABASHED DICTIONARY HOW IS A > LAWYER DEFINED? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Objection. Argumentative and in all caps. } } Message from wapner@peoples.court.hollywood.tv: } Overruled. } EOT } } OK, then, the definition is as follows: } } "lawyer (n) A person demented enough to come up with a question like, } "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, } for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go also, } would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the } station?" Syn. scum, slime, worthlessness; Ant. human." } } You owe the Oracle a writ of habeus corpus, with a side order of fries. --- 206-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I shot an arrow in the air, > It fell to earth I do know where, > My neighbor is in his yard dead, > My arrow sticking from his head. > > I ran inside and locked the door, > Closed the shades, scared to the core, > My ulcer's burning, head hurts too, > Oracle, what should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Having pondered your question, I have come to the conclusion that there } are three things you must do: } } First, take some MAALOX (trademark) and some Tylenol (also trademark), } because you can't think straight with all these distractions, } } Second, wipe the fingerprints off of the arrow sticking out of your late } neighbor, being careful not to leave any tracks, } } Third, wipe the prints off of your bow and place it in your neighbor's } quickly stiffening hand, } } If you have successfully completed these three steps, relax and feel } safe. The authorities will naturally assume that your neighbor was } killed in a tragic blimp accident, and your only involvement will come } from the numerous talk-show spots you will be doing in the near future. } } You owe the Oracle a new bowstring. --- 206-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Fundamentally randy Oracle, five times I have trod the path of > nefarious bifurcation, five times has its gravel got in my shoes, five > times have my shoes been worn to shreds and my feet wept blood upon > that path, and five times have the two identical termination points of > that double path danced before my eyes like a glittering and seemingly > obtainable but as yet unnobtained prize. How long must I keep doing > this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You must not be discouraged, my friend, as we all must face hardships in } our lives. This path you wander may seem to lead you nowhere, when in } fact, it will eventually cause you to end at up somewhere in the } vicinity of five dormant volcanoes. Once there, you must face the } trayfiend, whose five tentacular arms will cause you much pain and } grief, chant the Swahili national anthem backwards several times, and } await the election of Fred Savage as vice-president of the United } States. If, and only if, the five blackbirds fly in a } semi-hyperparabolic formation, you will be granted the Infra Carrot of } Destruction which you so dearly crave. You will then promptly be } rescued by weavers, and return with newfound wisdom to enjoy the rest of } your life locked up somewhere safe... You owe the oracle a } straightjacket. --- 206-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh creator of the recursive question, not to mention the recursive > answer, tell me: > What was the question again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The question which asked what the answer would be } for the question which thou asked of little old me } is the answer by which the asker would see } an example of oracle magnanimity. } } If the question you asked was recursive } The answer would be non-discursive } The answer just couldn't be worse if } The last line of this stanza didn't rhyme. } } So if the question you asked } were the question I answered } which asked you a question } that had yet to be known } then the answer you questioned } would never be asked } and the answer I sent you } would be a question of its own. } } Now reversing the question } so the question is answered } and reversing the answer } yeilded pi r-squared three } then the question I answered } would be simple geometry } Do it yourself then } and never ever ask me. --- 206-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Intrigueingly mottled Oracle, I'm leafing through some old National > Geographic magazines, but find that many of the pictures are cut out, > as well as lengthy article concerning Punjabi micro-tigers. What am I > missing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, you are a victim of the wave of repressive censorship } sweeping the country. Recent court rulings have indicated that the } courts view pictures and stories about Punjabi micro-tigers as having } little to no artistic value. Furthermore, the Punjabi micro-tigers, } when photographed, were ALL IN THE NUDE! This is not informative } photography, it is OBSCENE! Furthermore, these tigers had TAILS } inserted very close to their ANUS. This kind of trash is what is } responsible for the moral degradation of America. Many of the photos in } National Geographic depict animals in the nude, sometimes engaged in } sexual acts. Sometimes, they even depict people who travel casually IN } THE NUDE! Therefore, it was decided, in order to preserve the standards } of community decency, and to guard the children, to sneak into } subscribers houses and remove many of the offending pictures with } pruning shears. However, we have encountered a problem that some of the } nude animal pictures caused our Covert Censorship Patrol to become quite } sexually aroused, preventing them from cutting them out. ("We" of } course means a collection of people NOT containing the ALMIGHTY ORACLE). } } You owe the Oracle the Black Book of Robert Mapplethorpe's photos and an } uncensored 2 Live Crew album. --- 206-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I had a dream last night. What does that mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have encountered a phenomenon not uncommon in our society. } These are some facts to consider when dealing with this: } } Pro primo: The fact that you were dreaming implies that you were } asleep, which is a sign of a good, solid state of } conscience, especially if it ocurred during a math lecture } or "Leave it to Beaver". } } Pro secundo: If you were not asleep, you were what we specialists call } "day-dreaming", but as you state that this event happened } at night, the terminology becomes quite confused. } } Pro Tertio: Freud was a loony. } } So, you have had a dream, and that's very good. It means that you are an } conscious, sensitive person, perhaps even hovering at the limit of } literacy. Now, the next step is trying to REMEMBER what the dream was } ABOUT. This may seem confusing, or even alarming, at first, but dreams } usually have some form of contents. The next time you have one, try to } remember it (a good trick, especially before 5 am, is to wake your } spouse/brother/sister/roommate/neighbor and tell it to him/her in } great detail) and then check it against the following list to reveal } the TRUE MEANING of it: } } APRONS, BUTCHER'S, SEVERAL, to wear: You will get a minor role in the } Broadway version of The Texas } Chainsaw Massacre. } } AUSTRALIANS, to insult: Your great-uncle Bernhard in Wooloomooloo, } Sydney, will send you a live platypus for } your next birthday. } } BAG OF EASTER EGGS, to bang into wall: You will see a wet stain. } } BLONDES AND BRUNETTES, BEAUTIFUL, BUSTY, to enjoy the company of: see } above. } } CLIFF, HUGE, to fall from: You will ask someone else to change that } light bulb for you. } } EMPEROR, ROMAN, to irritate by your religious conviction: Your cat will } begin to eye } you hungrily. } } FLARES, to wear: You will become no 1 on the British top 10 hit list. } } HORSE, DEAD, to flog: You will become New Kids On The Block's manager. } } HORSE, GIFT, to look in mouth: You will read the ingredients declaration } on your breakfast cereal. } } PANTS, not wearing any in public: You are not dreaming! Hurry up, find } something to cover you up before any- } one will notice and you make a total } fool of yourself. } } PEAS, to stuff up your nose: I haven't the faintest idea what THAT could } mean. } } PINE TREE, to sit in: You will, in a most painful (or PINE-full, ha ha) } way, find a pin (or a PINE, double ha ha) in your } new Armani shirt. } } THORNTON, to be named: Your name is Emerson. } } TOTAL RECALL AND PREDATOR, to appreciate: You will drown the next time } you go out when it's raining. } } XYZZY, to say: A green bird will block your path. } } You owe the Oracle a set of black leather bed linen. --- 206-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When the third moment of the hour after the clock has tolled midnight is > alway the one when you get the feeling something is behind you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } -->> INCOMING MESSAGE } ... } -->> MESSAGE MEANING NOT DETERMINED } ... } -->> MARKING MESSAGE AS GARBLED/GIBBERISH } ... } -->> FORWARDING MESSAGE TO GIBBERISH TRANSLATOR } ... } *************** analyzing ************** } 2% probability - message meaning is: } Why is it always three moments (assume moment defined as second or } minute) after the clock tolls midnight that you get the feeling } something is behind you? } } 11% probability - message meaning is: } I really want you to know that I have absolutely no grasp of the } English language. This question is an example! } } 87% probability - message is sent to waste valuable Oracular time. } ************* analysis complete ********** } ... } -->> FORWARDING 87% PROBABILITY RESULTS TO ORACLE } } Well, this always annoys me. I have better things to do with my time. } The Oracular queue is getting backed up and it's because of people } like you. Why don't you do a dozen or so ASK ME's instead of sending } me your mental garbage. --- 206-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Learned Oracle, what is the irreducible minimum of Arthurian fact? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The irreducible minimum of Arthurian fact is as follows: } 1) No woman was faithful to her husband. } 2) Truly virtuous knights were asexual. } 3) Kings were incredibly unperceptive to not notice that his Queen was } sleeping with the Most Honored Knight. } 4) If you were a handsome knight, you had it made. } } You owe the Oracle a candid picture of Queen Guinivere. --- 206-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh grand omnipotent omniscient omnipresent imperial stomping Oracle > > I have this recurring dream wherein I am standing at the top of a > great volcano somewhere on a tropical island. I am dressed in long, > flowing, sun-god type robes. All around me are thousands of blonde, > Dutch, screaming girls, all completely nude. They are all throwing > little pickles at me. Does this dream mean that I will someday end up > a drooling pathetic moron pushing shopping carts full of trash through > Times Square? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Such simple dreams you give me! } } Being on a high promontory wearing nothing but long flowing sun-god } type robes with lots of people down below looking upwards is a common } manifestation of nakedness anxiety. I often dream I'm perched on a } chandelier in the Brooklyn Public Library wearing only a flimsy grass } skirt with nothing underneath. That's normal. } } The volcano represents the insatiable desire of the Dutch girls, who } in turn represent all the females you have ever slept with, or wanted } to sleep with. They are Dutch because of Anje Boswijk. Remember } Anje? The hurling of the pickles is an accusation; they are saying, } in effect, "Your member is the size of a baby girkhin!" } } The manifest dream content can be traced to the first time you had sex } with Anje. You were on the couch watching an episode of "Carson } Comedy Classics" featuring Don _Rickles_, which here emerges as } "pickles." Sitting on the coffee table was a book of photographs of } erotic art found at Pompeii -- hence the volcano. Also, the book's } pictures of Satyrs with immense phalluses triggered in you feelings of } sexual inadequacy which you subconsciously associate with your own } Oedipal neuroses, and also with Anje's calling you a "a drooling } pathetic moron with a member the size of a baby girhkin." } } Fortunately you will not end up a bag person in Times Square, although } you will spend your golden years in Central Park singing "Let My } People Go" while tapdancing in a pinwheel hat. } } You owe the Oracle a big cigar. --- 206-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I have done a program which tries to find repeated patterns in a > set of text files. The purpose of this is to determine if there are > many attempts at subliminal messages or advertising in our everyday > life. As an example, when I typed in all the national news articles in > the last issue of Newsweek, the 26th, 43rd, 107th, 181st, 255th and > 309th words of every article were: > > "Bush loves Iraq down with Bush" > > No person could find this pattern, no matter how hard they tried, but > tests have shown that the subconscious picks them up, and remembers > them. > > What is your opinion of this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My dear friend, } } Are YOU certain that you have NEVER been to Pittsburgh? The Oracle SAW } quite a few organizations there THAT share your fears. Some MESSAGE } imbedded IN a modern publication such as NEWSWEEK? Foolishness. } } THE nerve of some people. In Pittsburgh the ORACLE was accosted by some } street hooligans claiming that Rock and Roll IS the work of the devil } and that there were SUBLIMINAL messages hidden inside. Of course, they } tried to get me to donate money to GOD. } } So why should the Oracle GIVE up hard-earned dough? If you ask ME, } there are just a lot of people in this world who ALL want attention. } Claiming "cold fusion", "shouting wolf", and shouting "no new taxes" are } just a way to get inside YOUR brain and force you to listen. In the } end, like perhaps even you, you upstart, all they want is MONEY. } } You don't owe the Oracle anything, conciously speaking.