From kinzler Fri Aug 31 19:37:23 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 31 Aug 90 19:36:10 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #193 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 193 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #193 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 31 Aug 90 19:36:10 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle or via mail by sending the word "help" in the body of a mail to mailserv on the same machine. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 188 12 votes 46101 12522 16410 12414 07140 11271 24321 23241 42411 23340 188 2.8 mean 2.0 3.2 2.4 3.4 2.8 3.5 2.7 2.9 2.4 2.8 --- 193-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Intrepid, randy Oracle, could you recite a juicy part from the > suppressed Finnish saga "Heroes of the Sauna"? Humble thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here we go, one "Heroes of the Sauna" coming up: } } Finn the man was dirty and smelly } Smelled like a B.O. demon from Helle. } Said,"I gotta get clean, and I am gonna, } Do it in that nice hot steamy sauna." } } He got in the sauna and did espy } A naked female sitting close by. } Said,"I came in to get clean, just me and my ducky, } but with a little luck } } SMUT ALERT SMUT ALERT SMUT ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! } } } THIS IS THE PMRC SMUT DETECTION SQUAD. YOU ARE RECEIVING AN } ILLEGAL SMUTTY TRANSMISSION FROM THE NET.ORACLE. IT HAS BEEN } INTERDICTED AND THE DATA CONTAINED THEREIN CONFISCATED. YOU WILL BE } CONTACTED BY THE NET.THOUGHT POLICE CONCERNING THIS TRANMISSION. WE } WILL HAVE MANY QUESTIONS. } } this is a notice from the net.oracle. my net.poetry. server } has been confiscated by the net.thought.police, pmrc division. all } poetry replies will be delayed indefinitely. the net.oracle thanks you } for your patience. } } --- 193-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's Liquid Paper and Liquid Nails and Liquid Rubber and other such > products. Why not Liquid Girl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The product "Liquid Girl", trademarked and rather secretly } distributed by Beatrice Foods ("Beatrice -- we own you"), has been a } very mysterious product for many years. It is bottled in a 30-liter } plastic unrecyclable bottle and is a red solution with a curved } applicator (for hard to reach places). It is a mass-production wonder; } once applied from the bottle, the girl hardens within minutes and forms } a definite epidermis and facial features. In about half an hour, the } girl is complete and ready to function. The finished product is } definitely a far cry from the ingredients, which the package lists as: } Sugar, Spice, Nice things. } } You are probably familiar with the monthly "menstrual cycle" of the } girl. It is, of course, not blood being ejected from the body at all, } but rather some unformed liquid from the original application; that is, } internal liquid which never hardened or was somehow loosened or } reliquified. The girl's frequent irrational behaviour while this } happens is because her own embarrassing synthetic origin is being } revealed. Real girls will not be afflicted with this. } } Naturally, "Liquid Boy" is another well-hidden product in this well- } hidden product line. This product has remained more secretive due to } frequent complaints from animal rights activists regarding ingredients } it uses, including snails and dehydrated puppy tails, and Beatrice has } attempted to promote the vegetarian version over the meat version to } appease the protesters. --- 193-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I lie awake but cannot move. As a fly walks across the face of my > retina, I suddenly remember, I was once a flying man-pig. My thoughts > blurr into a montage of thoughts: > > smiling nuns on horseback, > jumper cables with only three clips, > 40lb bag of purina pig chow, > pink paperclips, > human feet, > the doublemint twins mud wrestling, > saturday afternoon hose-downs, > a nice ass with a good and curled up tail. > > As the fly reaches the far side of my eye, my vision ends. > > What does this all mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, child, child, would that I could concoct an answer worthy of this. } Well I bloody can't. Actually, you were no flying man-pig but a female } impersonator working under the stage name "Bogus Betty," specializing in } heavy flirtation during your nightclub act. But man-pig memories are } more soothing, and the nuns and Doublemint twins and the like more } wholesome, so these imagined memories are probably more healthy for you } psychologically... --- 193-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Since you charge us an answer for every question we ask, what is the > street value of a question? Are you saving all these questions to buy > Iraqi oil when the market collapses? Am I paranoid? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Omnipolite Oracle will defer this question to his divine and } all-knowing stock broker, Hee B. Griedie. } } "The street value of a question to the Omniscient Oracle } depends largely on the open market conditions, of course, } combined with fluctuations in the time-space continuum, } the current size of Dolly Parton's knockers, and the } going rate for a Bill Cosby concert ticket, front row } center. Currently, the street value of a question is } about 3.5 cents, or 3E58 pesos. } } As to whether or not the Oracle would save all these } questions in order to purchase interests in the major } Iraqi oil commodities, I can only answer with the disclaimer } that the Omniscient Oracle, in his all-knowing way, does } not usually interfere in the business of mortals, for he } knows that in doing so, he could severely upset the market } and turn in a humongous profit for himself. I, on the } other hand..." } } <<<>>> } } You owe the Oracle another stock broker. --- 193-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, > Do you do circumcisions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. I do circumcisions. I also do circumscriptions, subscriptions, } circumspections, inspections, despections, tropical storms, flatulence, } anagrams, circumstances (including circumstantial evidence, manufactured } to spec by a crew of brave tiny gnomes.), circles, circumferences, } inferences, infiltrations, filtrations, fibrillations, gorillas, } marriages, and spaghetti. Mostly spaghetti. } } I do not do open heart surgery. } } I also do not do distractions, peregrinations, adulterations (not to be } confused with adultery, which is both compulsory and forbidden to } capitalists), stock exchanges, maraschino cherries, teeth of the } deoxyribonuclease slug, harbingers, palindromes ("SIT ON A POTATO PAN, } OTIS"), flagrances, fragrances, psychic Doritos (or other Mexican food), } professional baked potatoes, and other delicacies. } } Understand? --- 193-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Did Sam I am have yams and Spam after he had green eggs and ham? > -- Dr S. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am Sam! Sam I Am! } I never eat green eggs and ham! } I just purvey them. Sam I Am } Will just promote green eggs and ham, } Not eat them. I like yams and Spam! } } I really like them when at sea } I like them after sodomy } I like them when on tenterhooks } I like them writing leftist books } I like them garnished with wild flowers } I like them during golden showers } I like them after playing Horatio } I like them after faving fellatio } I like them playing castanets } I like them wearing tight corsets } I like them turgid, like them flaccid } Like them when I'm doing acid } I like them on a flight to Spain } I like them as I snort cocaine } I --- 193-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise Oracle, I am plagued with a most horrid plague these days. Monks, > many of them tonsured, call upon me at all hours, declaiming > unintelligible things concerning the recent conquest of France by > bandicoots. My spiritual life, once full of symphonic overtures and > high-bandwidth rubber carridge connectors, is now a sad and dreary > wasteland of chocolate chip cookies and sexual overtones. Where once I > had seven lovers, one for every day of the week, I am now compelled to > satisfy the crude and coarse passions of Dan Quayle and Madona. My > dreams are filled with the sobbing of stunned reindeer, and my > nightmares whisper to me of guacamole in the dark. I can no longer > endure the opening chords of _Das Rheingeld_, as the remind me terribly > of manufacturing and marketing. Why, oh wise and compassionate Oracle, > is my pleasure broken and my happiness become as naught? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Get a new thesis advisor. Thesis advisors are the root of all evil. --- 193-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I keep hearin' this talk about there bein' a Whore in the Middle East, > and George Bush sendin' over hundreds and thousands of armies. Ain't > this kind of stupid? I mean, we're spending hundreds and millions of > bucks to get 'em there, and even if she wuz downright *free* it'd still > be cheaper to use good old American hookers. Can't be much savin' in > that. > > Screw American! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, but this is the famous Whore of Babylon -- the best in the world, } reknowned in song and story and the Bible to boot. Yep, American p*ssy } is cheaper and of pretty damn good quality, but we're talking about the } very best here. --- 193-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the difference between software and hard water? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bugs drown in hard water, but live forever in software. --- 193-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are extra-crunchy mesquite-BBQ potato chips, even if fried in peanut > oil, a Satanic snare? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Consider the following selection from the record "Gosh Wow, It's Satan!" } by Blackened Sabbath. } } Oh boy! } Oh boy! } Let's sacrifice some mongooses to Satan! } Let's do it now! } Then he'll give us junk food! } Junk food of the Devil! } Gosh, Wow! } Salt-covered Cheeze Balls } Popcorn with Cyanide Chunks! } Extra-crunchy Mesquite Barbecue Potato Chips } Oooh Boooy! } } I think that the question is easy now.