From kinzler Sat Aug 4 13:53:14 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 4 Aug 90 13:27:24 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #188 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 188 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #188 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 4 Aug 90 13:27:24 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 183 9 votes 22230 10440 13401 51210 22410 21240 33111 13320 23301 42201 183 2.5 mean 2.7 3.2 2.7 1.9 2.4 2.9 2.3 2.7 2.4 2.1 --- 188-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, who eats his Wheaties, > > Major Nelson has April; Scott has Captain Picard; Arn has Aunt Bea. > > And I got the bill for all this. What's going on here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mortals really are sick sometimes. As I was saying to Lisa, the } net.sex.goddess the other day... } } } } "Lisa", I said, "Mortals are really sick. Why I bet they are } peeping in on us right now!" } } "Oh, I dunno," purred the goddess, "I think they can be kinda fun when } they meow" and threw a piece of meat to one of her many newly } tranformed pets. The cat runs to the meat, looks at the viewer, } looking strangely familiar. Lisa laughs evilly. } } } } As to the Sextet you mentioned, you should be glad to pay for it, } at least you're not one of Lisa's cats...yet... } } You owe the Oracle a Life Insurance Policy --- 188-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that God is not dead, that the truth is he was busted? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is quite correct. The trial is still going on. There are several } damning pieces of evidence: } } * Since God created everything, He is directly responsible for all drug } production on the planet. This amounts to 184,552,600 counts of selling } illegal substances, and (since God owns everything too) 8,225,792,700 } counts of possession. } } * Recent discoveries of police records from the 1st century indicate } that the famous speech "Eat of this bread, it is my body; drink of this } wine, it is my blood" was in fact continued "Smoke of this joint, it is } my breath," but that this phrase was deleted for reasons of public } image. } } * The visible nature of the Universe implies that the Creator must have } been on -something- at the time. } } According to defense attorneys, God plans to claim that: } } A: Since He is omnipresent, He was clearly somewhere else at the time; } B: Since He invented all laws, both natural and legal, He cannot be } prosecuted under them; C: Even if He is convicted, nobody can do } anything to punish Him anyway. } } The jury is expected to get a good giggle out of the whole thing. } } You owe the Oracle a Ramadan-a bing bhang. --- 188-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do I break to my parents the news that my SO and I have been having > wild, passionate sex for many months now while away at college? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The simplest way is to inform the IRS. They will perform an inquest } into your family, aided buy the FBI. Because the FBI are there, the } Police will want to be in on it too. This makes the Fire Department } feel left out so they pop in for a visit, too. The sight of all these } people will make the aliens (yes, there are aliens) annoyed and they } will land in your parents' back yard and burst into the house, yelling } "Your spawn has been having wild, passionate sex with his SO, for many } months now. Gleep" } Then your parents will know. Whatever you do, do NOT tell them to } their faces. trust me on this one. } } You owe the oracle a photo of the aliens' ship. --- 188-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wise Oracle, whose wisdom can even defeat the DEA goons, > whose wittiness can even make a SS (Secret Service) man smile, please > enlighten me: > > Has the gov't censored or stopped all political discussion on netnews? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah yes, a very good question indeed. To put it as briefly as possible, } govt's c/\co/\sh/\ of political discussions on th/\net does occur and s/ } no/\be / \/ \/ \!!/\This sho/\ just what moro/ \e the pe/\le are d/ } w/ \_/ \/ \reaucr/ \ dorks should/ \ocked / \urther/ } / \ssho/ \Bus/\is a/\/ \Let'/ \/\in/ } \/\/ \_/ \fr/ \un/ \/ } \/ \/ --- 188-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, whose creative juices flow like spring runoff from the > cascade mountains, filling the belly of many a starving child: > > How would one cleverly use the term "existential epitaxy" in a poem > about frisky fishsticks? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracle: "Menial underling, your question is a lengthy and deep one. Due } to the nature of "existential epitaxy", you will need to..." } } Door: } } Oracle: "DAMN. Always when I'm working. Yes?" } } Door: } } George Bush: "Uh... excuse me, Oh great Oracle... got a sec?" } } Oracle: "I suppose so. What's up, George?" } } George: "Well, do you think I've been... uh... `dissing' the, um, urban } voters?" } } Oracle: "`Dissing'? Are you using an urban term, George? The African- } American slang synonym for `disrespecting'?" } } George: "Well, I thought it might make me a little more } accepted in the urban... er, I thought it might make me a } `brother'." } } Oracle: "A `brother'? George, that's impossible. You haven't suffered } the outrageous slings and arrows of outrageous hiring practices. } In other words, you haven't had the `black experience'." } } George: "No, I have! I went to a black chur... er, Baptist house of } worship today and I saw the, uh, black light! Watch, I'll } breakdance!" } } Floor: } } Oracle: "George, that's completely out of style. Go in the city, lounge } around on the street for a while, drink some beer, leave your } American Express Stronium card at home. You may come back when } you can recite all the lyrics to _Fear of a Black Planet_." } } George: "But Oracle! I can do the Wild Thing! Watch!" } } Oracle: "CAN IT, George. GO." } } George: "um... Thank you, master." } } Door: } } Oracle: "Let's see... where was I? Oh, yeah -- the answer to your } question is YES." --- 188-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, upon whom so much original praise has been heaped, and > most deservedly, that there is no more to heap with, save this > Oracle-praising self-referential sentence: > > I asked you how one would use the term "existential epitaxy" in a poem > about frisky fishsticks recently. Your answer, although humorous, was > neither a poem, nor had it anything to do with existential epitaxy. > Could it be that I have stumped you? Could it be that no incarnation of > the Oracle knows the true meaning of existential epitaxy and its > relation to frisky fishsticks? Oh, prove my doubts wrong, much-praised > Oracle. Pen me my epitaxy poem. > > May the chaotic systems controlling the net not force you into the body > of a clueless freshman only now discovering the joys of Pascal. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Damn! The Oracle has been forced into the body of a clueless freshman } only now discovering the joys of Pascal. And a female one at that. Let } me get a mirror out of my purse...wow! What a face! These breasts have } a nice heft to them. You know, once you're in the body of a woman, } having a female brain makes it seem all normal. I like it in here! I } think I'll stay. } } Oh, all right about the poem. I'm almost as pretty as Lisa. Excuse me } while I give the lab TA a hard-on...ah, that was fun. He's even writing } the Pascal program for me! } } Oh, never can a fishstick truly be } A fishstick of the true fishstickery } Unless, through craft, the fishstick doth acquire } A coat to raise it to a state that's higher. } } A fishstick must be dipped in egg and crumbs } Or in a thickish batter. It becomes } No more the merest slab of fishy meat } But fit to frisk in oil of greatest heat. } } Thus, coating fishsticks is, as you can see } Most truly existential expitaxy. } For were the batter-layer not to grow } We would not have the fishsticks that we know. } } Not bad, huh? Especially when you consider that I'm now called Tiffany, } I've got an IQ of only 110 in this body, and I'm a nymphomaniac. Wanna } fuck? This body has just had its crotch shaved, too -- silky soft as I } stick my little hand down the front of these tight jeans. Gosh, i's } --uh, it's -- hard to keep my mind off sex. No wonder I can't handle } this Pascal thing. --- 188-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, Oracle, you wonderful blob of silicon, give me the answer I seek. > In the church of the subgenius, I'm trying to outwit "Bob" and steal > all the slack I can. What ways do you suggest I try to obtain slack. > Also, if you know "Bob"'s email address, let me know so I can eKill him. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shut up, Pink Boy! (or kill me) } } Slack cannot be Obtained. Slack must be Possessed. } } The best way to Obtain Slack is to start your own Church, like } Scientology. (or start a splinter clench, which is almost as good.) } Give your Church an incredibly Slackful image, and convince lots of } bright young folk that they will be very hip, get laid, etc. if they } attend ALL Church meetings, participate in humiliating rituals, } proselytize like mad, and so forth. Note the basic concept here -- you } make it LOOK as if YOU'RE giving Slack to THEM. The Bait being taken, } you Switch (without them noticing, they're so Pink) to making THEM do } all sorts of piteously stupid things for YOU -- hence you've TAKEN their } Slack. } Note that you can collect Slack until you're blue in the face, but it } won't do you any good unless you still have it on X-Day -- and you must } then give all of it to the Space Bankers, in return for valuable prizes. } Stay AWAY from the Yacatisma (not to be confused with Yacatizma), } they're coming soon and the Oracular Luck-Plane Sensors figure that } they're coming sooner than you think. } } You're really DUMB if you think you can eKill "Bob". I'd really like } to see the eBackLash when you try, though, so here are the primary } addresses: } } bobdobbs@church_of_the_subgenius.edu } bobdobbs@subgenius_foundation.com } bobdobbs@laser_project.mil } bobdobbs@stark_fist.gov } } The Oracle has been unbecomingly lucid. You owe the Oracle ten copies } of The Book of the SubGenius, and all the DEVO albums. --- 188-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and brilliant and superbly well-informed Oracle, > Please write me a sonnet about my girlfriend. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I've gotten so many sonnet requests, I've had my Oracular staff work on } a sonnet-generation program. Let's see how it goes... } } iuvax% form-poetry } } Format? ABABCDCDEFEFGG } Subject? girlfriend } Tone-Words? Lust, Sex, Bodily Admiration, Seduction } Language? Late 20th Century American English, Sonnet Dialect } } Searching association base... } } O girlfriend! @lust @grope @urge @bigboobs @A-rhyme } and silky soft your naked shoulder, } @grab @lowerback @caress @hump @curve @A-rhyme } Brings tears to the eyes of this beholder. } O girlfriend! of the softest thigh, } Whose shapely legs are without end, } As the moon ascends into the sky, } My mind your rosy-red lips will bend. } O girlfriend! Sit your pert bottom in my lap, } Nibble with abandon upon my ear, } Your deepest fantasies I will tap, } @scream @orgasmically @will @hump @F-rhyme } O girlfriend! Come to me tonight, } We will enjoy Love's carnal delight. } } Hmm... it seems to have the right idea, but some of the '@' terms aren't } being translated to the native language... I guess the program isn't } done yet. } } The Oracle suggests you plagiarize some Shakespeare. Just change a few } words and it will have the same effect as an original sonnet (if not } better). } } You owe the Oracle pictures of your girlfriend, nude. --- 188-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I read a lot of newsgroups. There are a whole bunch of women on the net > who I wanna fuck, but most of them don't even bother to respond to my > mail. Some of them are so sexy-sounding, but the good ones all seem to > be hooked up with boyfriends and already fucking them like bunnies, so > there really isn't much of a chance for me, is there? That, or they're > fat fortyish women in Silicon Valley who are into bondage -- not for me. > > How can I have sex with some of the sexier young women on the net? I > mean, just a meaningless sexual relationship. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Beware, Mortal! For there is no such thing as a meaningless sexual } relation! Nay, not at all and not in the slightest! For all sexual } relations have a meaning, and that meaning is "Squid!" Yea, verily, for } squid is the meaning of all sexuality, and all sexuality is for to mean } squid! In Italy they have calimare instead, but that is mere fiddling } and waffling! } } But onwards to the reality. } 78% of the net.women are actually physically male. } 45% of the net.women are actually biologically male. } 53% of the net.women are psychosomatically male. } 61% of the net.women are co-equivalently male. } 31% of the net.women are merotropically male. } 16% of the net.women are hermanutically male. } 8% of the net.women are squid already and will therefore reject any } further sexual relations. } 91% of the net.women have better taste } } [Not all the above are true. Pick three. Send your choices to me in an } eelskin envelope with 500 points of light, and wait for a squid by } return mail. Physically mail, that is.] } } You are advised to have sex with one of the sexier young net.men. Many } net.men are physically, chromatically, isotopically, paradigmatically, } covalently, anorexically, or droopily women. --- 188-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle Who Gives Careful Thought and Consideration to My > Question, > > I've noticed a strange decline in the quality of Oracular responses of > late. It seems as if, to this humble supplicant's eye, you don't really > have time to think of an appropriate or entertaining response... as if > you've agreed to answer the question, but don't really want to put in > the time and effort necessary to answer it _well_. > In all honesty, now, is there anything you and I can do to reverse this > trend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Some Incarnations of the Oracle are bored to tears, and are just } sending off "askme" requests so that the Great Oracular Mind can possess } them and make them feel intelligent and important for a while. It's the } dog days of August, remember? You get lots of burnt-out hackers and } grad students who don't want to write code or do research or whatever, } so they turn to Oracularities as a comfort. The trouble is that a lot } of them feel guilty about not doing the work that they're supposed to } do, which interferes with the flow of Oracular wit and wisdom into their } minds. So they don't listen to the Self of the Oracle that possesses } them and would make them temporarily wise and witty -- they just } listlessly type in dull, stupid answers -- whatever comes to mind. } } Well, there's not much to be done. Incarnations will have to make an } effort not to ask or answer questions when they're feeling bored or } frustrated or guilty about not getting enough work done recently. Fewer } questions will be asked or answered, but those that are will be of } greater quality. _Individuals_ will have to choose to perform well. } } The Oracle wishes that there were a quick, easy solution to this } malaise. But the time of the year (a lot of people on vacation, hot } lazy days except in places like Australia -- lots of good questions and } responses are coming from Australia and New Zealand nowadays, have you } noticed?) is probably just exacerbating a chronic problem. } } Also a lot of computer nerds are feeling horny and lonely about now -- } coeds off campus and all that...why couldn't you be a brilliant, witty, } charming young woman, eh? Then you could post an ad in alt.personals } and I could respond and perhaps we could have a spot of romance. But } no, you're another thoroughly male geek...